john egbert

:33< I find comfort in things I shouldn't and confide in people I shouldn't confide in. I watch people cut themselves and it makes me happy, I take that back, "happy" is not quite the right word. Perhaps "giddy"? Whenever I see videos of people cutting to the fatty layer my stomach feels weird and it makes me feel good. It's odd how some adults cannot handle the mere sight of a needle, let alone someone cutting into the fatty layer of flesh or whatever it's called, but I can. Maybe it's just because I'm better than those people. That's untrue and I know that, but its fun to pretend. I feel so cringe writing this stuff because nobody cares,, " shut the fuck up you fat whore, you deserve all of the things that happened to you" that's what I imagine the people who read my paragraphs think. And honestly, I agree. I'm a horrible person who deserves nothing but the worst. I wish I had a reason to cut myself. I'd say something emo like "i...I cut myself because it makes me **feel** something...*brushes fringe out of eyes*" but to be quite frank,, I can't recall the reason. All I remember is one day going into the bathroom while crying, after my, at the time "girlfriend" had made me feel bad about myself, seeing my mother's razor and cutting my wrist. I don't even remember if that was the first time. My memory is bad. That's why I depend on people to tell me things, I can't remember everything and I'm scared of being wrong. Whenever I say something wrong I feel like I want to vomit and stab myself at the same time. On a different note, I'm also scared of confrontation and talking to people about how I feel. I feel like shit everyday, I think about cutting myself and wanting to die and all that shit,, but I'd never actually tell anyone about that. I'd just smile and tell them that everything is okay. My friends always depend on me to prevent them from doing stupid things and they depend on me to comfort them. Abigail depends on me to be strong for her so I can tell her that she isn't worthless, that her parents divorce wasn't her fault, she depends on me to tell her that she isn't okay and that she does deserve to get help. Aleana depends on me to tell her that her rapist is a horrible man and that he deserves to rot in jail for the rest of his life, not just because he killed someone, bit because he raped her, she depends on me to tell her she deserves to live and that she can always talk to me if she ever felt like that again, that she shouldn't hurt herself because I care about her and her well-being. Emerie depends on me to tell her not to hurt herself, to tell her not to do the things she wants to do so bad, even if its just for attention. Nobody's ever told me, "hey Dakota, I know your feeling bad and I want you to know that you matter, I love you so much, and I would miss you if you were gone." Nobody's ever told me, "hey Dakota, i know you think your fat and ugly but your not, in my eyes, your beautiful." Nobody's ever told me, "hey Dakota, I saw your scars and I want to tell you that I care about you and for that reason I won't let you hurt yourself like that again." And maybe that's my fault for not being so obvious. For not needing anyone's shoulder to lean on for support. For being independent even when it costs me everything. For not asking for help because I'm too scared of what will happen. Of how they will think of me after I tell them. I'm extremely envious of my friends. I have the highest grades in my grade, I've been on an A honor roll since I was in kindergarten, I have a loving family, I have food in the fridge, I have clothes on my back, I finally have friends who care. Who don't leave me the second they meet someone knew. But I'm still jealous. Jealous of a tan "preppy" girl who has dyslexia and gets bad grades because she can talk to people and I can't. It's honestly just pathetic.