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its been loud for as long as i can remember

i know she did her best

and i did too

i was so brave, so strong, so mature

i was also a kid

i was 8

i was 13, 14, and 15

i was 18

i was 22, i am 22

i will never forget that night

smells, textures, sounds all bring me back

how do you explain it to those who haven’t felt it?

words can only explain so much

i wonder if you felt guilty

i wonder if it was my fault; i wasnt sober either

but i knew what was happening

i didnt cause the violence

yet still i wonder

i remember looking down in the shower and seeing blood

i remember scrubbing my skin so hard that it left wounds

and i remember sitting in the cold water for what felt like forever

i remember how far away i felt, i remember you being angry at me

and i felt confused

confusion is a weird feeling

i remember working when my body was bruised

wincing when i lifted my arms

telling no one what was underneath my clothes

i remember smiling

i remember lifting my shirt in the bathroom and thinking of you