I don't ever want to come off as I'm being insensitive or selfish or anything like that because I know that you can't control what happened, no one can and all you can do is really take it day by day and you were married to him so it's not like you're going to be better over night, and I'm not expecting you to be that's not at all what I'm saying, even though I feel this whole thing is coming off a lot more dickish than I want t to, but you were also married to me too before that and I just.. This is going to start a fight, I can feel it already. You moved on from me when we divorced so quickly, I was just some after thought, and before you say anything I'm aware that they are to very different ends of the spectrum, I'm aware that one is traumatic and the other was just cutting the lose string, I get that so please don't think that I'm grasping the seriousness of the situation because I do. But I also recall that you can't really stay happy for that long anymore, it all comes in waves and I will still selflessly be by your side and keep my mouth shut about it all, but I get affected by that too. When you get sad, I feel like I'm just not enough and maybe I never will be, maybe you had your soulmate, the person you were supposed to have forever, I've accepted that, but I don't like in a sense feeling like I'm always in some sort of competition, or that I have to tiptoe because I'm afraid that I'm going to do something that reminds you of him, or I'm going to say something and it's going to put you back to grieving and then I have to pull you out of it all over again. I know none of this makes sense, that's what happens when you let me ramble. But I realized that I spent so much time letting you get your feelings out and listening to you when you just needed to vent, and I never once spoke about how I felt when it came to all this. and yes, I do know that it's not my place to be telling you how this makes me feel, you're the one that lost him, not me. But yeah.. And I think that's why I've kinda just been going along with whatever you wanted us to go.
It's not going to cause a fight baby. I told you when we got back together, I'm not that same person I once was. I found ways to be healthier in a relationship. I know this can't be easy for you. I fully know that it's not fair to you that I am constantly so down. You deserve the me that is happy, the me that can take on the world and do it with a smile. I'm trying to get that back baby. I really don't want to be sad like this anymore. And I do want you to tell me how you're feeling. I want to know where you're at, because you put aside your own needs to make sure I'm okay. I don't want that. I want to make you feel loved and wanted and god I love you Lex. I love you so fucking much.
-Letting her gaze fall from his eyes she sighed softly before letting her feelings out- I wasn't okay by the way. When you left me. I was the furthest thing from okay. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to chase after you when you left me for Danny. But I saw how happy he was making you. I saw a light in your eyes that I hadn't seen in such a long time and I kept asking myself, how do I take that away from you?
-Taking his cheeks into her hands she looked directly into his eyes as she spoke. Her thumbs softly stroking his skin-
I can't tell you how badly..how hard I wished for you to look at me, pull me into your arms and tell me that you made the worst mistake of your life. That you never wanted to lose me..lose us.
-Kissing his lips tenderly she held him tightly-
Losing you wasn't easy. It was the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to go through. So don't for a second think that it was just a string being cut. A part of me died the day you left baby.
