Flames Just Create Us

bright colored, strong blue running up and down my arms,

i think about the pain, the illness, the inability to escape.

looking back on spending a full year in grad school:

i realize i tend to think of events in terms of “before” or “after.” prince died after aaron died. donald trump was elected after aaron died. ethan turned 21 after aaron died. i could go on about the political and social sadness in the country that he isnt here to see, but thats best saved for another time. 

my mom tells me its not healthy to think in these terms, but i dont see how i couldnt. does she not see life in terms of before and after my dad left?

my life changed. im trying to avoid the cliches, but i will never be the same. i can come close, i can heal, but there will always be a piece of my heart that is missing. maybe the light in my eyes dulled a little. maybe i dont “glow” as much as i used to. i carry this sadness with me everywhere i go, regardless of whether i feel it at the moment or not.

the year after his passing was hard. it was fucking hard. for about two weeks surrounding may 24, i felt like an empty shell. how do i talk to these people who barely know me about the most painful loss ive experienced? especially a taboo one. he wasnt sick- he didnt have leukemia. he didnt even die in a car accident. he was 22, and he died from a drug overdose. a heroin overdose of all things- you know, the ones we learn about in school, the national epidemic. but he was sick. youd expect that in a health field, people would understand, but i know not all of them do. 

This feels weird and vulnerable and it’s making me slightly uncomfortable, but I’m having a hard time coping with my cousin’s (essentially brother’s) death from heroin overdose. There’s an awful stigma that comes with addiction and it’s not something that people line up to talk with you about, even people who love you a lot. Addiction and death are dark and sometimes difficult topics to discuss. 

Although it has only been a month since he died, I find myself not wanting to bring it up to my loved ones, even when I am hurting. I have been in and out of therapy since I started college, but I am currently in the middle of a life transition and don’t want to start with a new therapist when I am going to move again in a month. 

This has been the most painful loss of my life. I’m trying to find new ways to help with the grieving process. If anyone knows of any good blogs where I can get any advice in this department, or just a friend to talk to, please let me know. ***I know this doesn’t replace a therapist*** and I fully intend on returning to therapy once I move, but in the meantime, I’d like to feel less alone.