✿★~Gummie Gang~✿★

lots happened this month! i WENT TO VEGAS! hehehe vegas is my favorite place on earth. okay that’s a lie japan was pretty amazing and i love singapore. but vegas is super fun and i always have a ton of fun there.. and i think it’s mostly because it’s a city of sporadic events and i love spontaneous things LOL

here’s a picture of john, jodi, fed and i ice skating before we went to the strip club on a whim LMAO 

here’s a picture of fed & i on the rink :D funny story, we basically all took photos with eachother and they told me to make sure to get the “tree” in the photo... i accidentally thought the fake eiffel tower was the tree and completely left the christmas tree outside jodi’s photo with fed LMAO

we also went clubbing two nights in a row ;__; guys i’m seriously so partied out. i think 2019 was the year of partying for me. i went out like every week during the summer and i am officially dead. i think the new years party at offline will be my last and final stretch and 2020 will be STAYING HOME GRINDING AND DOING WORK hahaha

i took this picture for the first night we went clubbing... i usually wear pigtails because i dance like crazy and if i don’t have my hair up it just gets everywhere LOL but alas, the next day i went with all my hair down and it JUST GOT EVERYWHERE

cute pics with celine and kimi :) 

2019 was definitely a year where i bonded with my friends in ways i didn’t know i could. it just felt like the year of acceptance and forgiveness. i really learned how to appreciate my loved ones for everything they are :) 

thanksgiving was really fun too! whoever was in my thanksgiving cooking stream y’all saw how much i made LOL. i was so stressed omg. i actually didn’t think the turkey came out good at all when last year my turkey was so bomb :( oh wells. maybe next year i will focus on actually making the dinner good because it’s so hard to do on stream when my mind is so out of focus haha. but i had such a fun stream that there are no regrets <3 everyone still ate till our stomachs exploded

the third girl you see in the photo is mindy! she’s my hairdresser :) i love her she’s absolutely amazing. probably the reason why my hair isn’t dead yet hahahahaha.

my brother also came over for thanksgiving! it was such a heartwarming feeling for me to see my brother play with my cat because ebi’s been a part of my life since i became an “adult” and my brother is such a big part of my childhood. I DON’T KNOW GUYS I’M GROWING UP AND IT’S WEIRD BUT BITTERSWEET AND STUFF 

anyway all in all i learned so much this year. it was definitely a year of growth, learning, loving, adapting. i really feel like i worked my ass off this year, even if i wasn’t the best version of myself i really learned how to become a better version of myself! I’M SO EXCITED FOR 2020 AND I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE TOO! love you guys <3 i’m really going to try hard to stream lots in 2020...

byebye~ here’s a funny pic of ebi in the iphone 11 wide angle HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

and a cute one  :) 

omg T____T i literally went so MIA like i went off the face of the earth... can’t wait to finally update you guys on everything. 

first off, MERCH UPDATES: 

✘ shirts are arriving december 6th, 2019

✘ i will start shipping them out on that day!! if i don’t finish friday, i’ll be streaming the process on saturday with olly 

✘ please email [email protected] if you need any address changes!

i’m so sorry it’s taking so long... i’ve had a lot of people who actually bought the merch without knowing me (they just liked the merch) and they were so angry and demanded refunds so i just refunded it T___T. i warned in advance that they were preorder but i think a lot of people just didn’t understand the concept of preorder. basically, since it was my first ever merch drop, i didn’t know how many units i would be able to sell so the safest bet for me to not lose money was to do preorders. preorders mean that the units are ordered AFTER the orders are all in, they were never existing stock! all the existing stock i had sold out at twitch con. 

but seriously, for everyone else, thank you so so much for your patience! i’ll be sure to just have stock available for my next drop and i won’t be doing preorder again for such a popular unit. i would much rather sell out than have people wait 3+ weeks. 

here’s a picture of olly hard at work with my merchandise and eating a salad i made lmao

✘ ✘ ✘ ✘ ✘ ✘ ✘ ✘ ✘ ✘

anywho i’m sure you guys heard of all the drama that’s been going on... to be honest i’m so sensitive that i just felt super sad about everything for like 4 days LMFAOOOO i hung out with leslie and everyone at her house a lot during this time. here’s a janky photo of her that she’d kill me if she knew i took. we were just on our laptops “working” together in the corner of the living room but in reality we weren’t doing much LOLOL 

here’s stephan and leslie trying to fix the light while i’m shopping online LOL.. i’ve been trying to learn how to splurge a bit more because idk i feel like i really need new clothes hahaha but being an online figure i feel like i constantly need new clothes and people get sick of my clothes real fast 

here are some cute pictures of ebi in a box. yet to be uploaded but i’ll upload them soon...

OH YEAH! i haven’t posted a recipe in a long time. here are my spare ribs recipe!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5wIE4zyW5k although hmm i’m going to try another recipe out, because i feel like it could be slow cooked for even longer and lower temperature to make it even moreeee tender and fall off  the bone. this was still pretty good tho :) 

here’s a picture dumb lol my halloween outfit that i never posted because idk i thought it looked weird hahaha

me at a glasses store. DO U GUYS LIKE MY MONKEY BAG ITS FROM BAPE ITS SO CUTE

my baseball halloween outfit that i also lost all the photos to :( i got my phone stolen at escape so a lot of my halloween photos were gone. sad! but next year’s halloween :) 

anywho i love u guys so much. sorry again for going mia :( it’s not that i forget about you guys or don’t want to stream... i just get into really weird toxic mentalities with myself and my self image. like i feel like i’m not good enough to stream or i don’t deserve anything i have so i just run away. but i realized it’s just from past trauma or my roots that i’m like this and i have no reason to be like that today ;___; i have so much love and support around me that it really is a waste of my mental fortitude to be so hard on myself all the time. i love you guys so much for always understanding me and treating everybody with such forgiveness <3 you guys are my rock 

also sometimes i just really don’t know what to stream haha. i want to stream games (i play so many games off stream you don’t even know) but i always feel like i’m not entertaining enough T_T i’ll see! i wanna get more comfortable with just streaming whatever and being myself and doing my own thing on stream. :) 

to end this off here’s a picture of bubbles that is literally me LMAO

HELLO FRIENDS! you know when you go MIA for so long you just kind of forget everything you need to update people on... yeah that’s me and this sub blog

ok first off, here’s a picture of lily making me ramen. i think everybody needs to see it.... my heart.... 

i wish i never finished it. i wish i saved it and let it rot in my room forever. you know when a tsundere anime girl does something really sweet for you in animes? that’s what it felt like... 

OK ANYWHO, i’ve been feeling really great! streams have been super fun and honestly i’ve just been really busy and hustling and bustling and yeah :D ever since ebi came i’ve been so happy HAHAHA. here are some ebi pictures <3 

ebi sleeping

ebi sleeping again 

ebi sunbathing 

ebi and fed 

ebi watching me cook omg 

i love her... she’s my... **ebi-erything** HAHA GET IT? 

omg and this picture is too cute sigh she just lays by my hand when i use the computer

OKAY ENOUGH EBI PICTURES HEHEH!!!!! i did my zero two cosplay as you all know, there’s some pictures i didn’t upload onto social media and here is one of them <3 they just never made the cut so i guess i’ll put it here... 

i know my cosplay was kinda scuffed but i can’t wait to do more *___* 

here’s a 02 thigh picture ROFL 

WHICHHHH ALSO REMINDS ME! anime expo was so fun!! i got to meet so many of you guys and it really warmed my heart. honestly you guys always give me so much love (both IRL and online) i swear it’s made me permanently happier and more loving the past few years. AX was really fun and i didn’t get too many pictures but here’s a pic of me and peter HAHA we went to the bar with all of our friends... it’s so weird that i’m 21 now 

single life is weird...but i love it :D i’ve adjusted pretty well and have been trying to go out more + work on myself + focus on friends, streaming and everything else other than relationships HAHAHAHA. also i swear i’m not dating anybody o_e it’s waaay too soon!!! 

here’s one of my favorite passages that i’ve read this month =] 

little passage that i wanted to share with you guys~ i think practicing mindfulness is really important and making the best of our situation can really make a difference. everytime i catch myself at a low point, there’s so many things i want to cave in and do such as laze around, be angry, blame circumstances or people, shit on myself, etc. don’t get me wrong, it’s good to let yourself loose and do those things every once in a while, but when i take a deep breath and follow healthier steps such as being kind/understanding, being productive, or just focusing on spreading good vibes to others, i find myself feeling better a lot faster than if i were to just cave into negative vibes! 

that being said... still let yourself cave in and watch umaru while ordering pizza with a bunch of snacks and coke ;) 

-------- 

OH!!! here’s a podcast that i really really have been enjoying

it’s soooo good for anybody who is a lost college student, lost 9-5 job employee, lost freelance worker, lost unemployed... LOST ANYBODY which is literally everyone, everyone is lost LMFAO this is a great podcast. i’d choose according to titles but some people enjoy podcasts chronologically. please give it a try while you’re showering, or in a long car ride, or just eating. 

hmm what else...i don’t know if you guys have noticed but i’ve recently have been feeling very comfortable and confident in my own skin. from somebody who was extremely self conscious and insecure to the point where i had to hide every mirror in the house to prevent myself from crying just 2-3 years ago, i wake up everyday feeling really accepting of myself and some days even happy with how i look. it’s kind of surreal to think of LOL but maybe it’s because i finished my invisalign, my hair is getting healthier, my eczema is finally fading and i’ve found a skin routine that works for me. or honestly, i think it’s just me being kinder to myself as well :) 

anyways, i’m going to go now~ i just want to remind you guys that it’s super easy to shit on ourselves and if i tried, i could list 10+ things i hate about myself and want to change. but remember to credit yourself, be proud of yourself, be unapologetically yourself and love yourself!!! 

ok hey guys!!! uPDATES FROM ME!! hehehe ^____^ i think this is the first time i’m writing a blog post while the sun is still out haha

anyways if you guys read my last entry, omg that was so long ago O___O it’s been more than a month since we broke up and here we are!! I MISSED YOU GUYS!! where do i even start...my birthday and EDC were absolutely amazing. probably the best experience in my life and i was so happy to have had such an amazing birthday stream too! thank you to anybody who was there =] really made it an unforgettable week for me. here’s my favorite picture from EDC hahahahahaha 

some pics i never posted onto social media: 

this past month has been a rollercoaster for me, but in a really exciting way! i feel like i’m discovering so much about myself that i didn’t even know was possible. it’s a lingering feeling that i have regarding my breakup, but i honestly haven’t been this happy in such a long time. i’m so happy these days EEEEEE and it doesn’t feel like the temporary bursts of happiness i usually have, it’s just i feel so much more complete as a person since i’m spending more time on myself :] 

btw here’s my official stream schedule! i think there will be definitely be days i’ll stream on wednesday, but it’s definitely a wildcard day: 

also, by popular request, i’ll be bringing back anime night :] i was thinking about doing it on mondays from 4-7pm PDT! i’ll set that up soon and we’ll decide which anime we should binge for the month ^___^ 

ALSO FUN GREAT AMAZING NEWS!! my kitty is coming! she was actually supposed to come today but there were delays and she won’t be coming until sunday T_T but it’s okay, i just want her to get here safe and i’ll be forever grateful and happy

here’s my lil setup for her so far HAHAHA

i’m so extra... i see every opportunity as an opportunity to make it aesthetic / overly cute lol 

wtf i think tumblr got rid of the line breaks... WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW WITHOUT BREAKS OMG 

here’s a random screenshot i found of myself

enjoy...

......

my mom sent me this card for my birthday. i cried and bawled like a motherfucker

also look at this funny ass meme ifound HAHHAHAAHAHA

dude now that i have adhd it makes so much sense. my blog posts are all over the place LOL anyways i actually don’t have much to say.... i just wanted to update you guys since i felt like i haven’t done that in a while :] i’m so ready to bring back amazing content for you guys and to build my community stronger than ever before <3

PS - i know i haven’t been responding to discord messages. tbh they stacked up so hard i’m kinda scared to check them LMAO but i’ll try to get to them soon T_T if you haven’t gotten a reply and it’s urgent don’t be afraid to bump it! 

hmm i don’t know what else to say... i’m just so happy LOL so maybe that’s why there’s nothin to say hahahaha guys i love you so much. legit the best community i could possibly have. u guys rock. here’s some more pictures that didn’t make it: 

and here’s a funny pic of my kitten that’s coming

ngl she looks high as balls 

LMAO

okay bye . I LOVE U GUYS! 

hi guys! for this specific entry i’ve made the blog private once again. i kind of like it this way so maybe i’ll keep it like this... anyways i have a lot to tell you guys! 

first off i just really want to get this off my chest. i would prefer you guys to not talk about it on stream (i feel like i’ll get really emotional and it’s something i’m not ready to talk about yet) but i do think it’s super obvious when i’m feeling sad so i should probably share it with my community. andy and i broke up a bit ago and it’s been something i’ve been struggling with for the past year >_< probably why i’ve been so inconsistent and all over the place with myself. 

we had a really civil, mature break up, we spent 3 hours talking about how much we helped eachother grow in the past 3-4 years. the reason we broke up was kind of out our control. i think the timing just wasn’t right (i’m 20 and he just turned 22, we’re really young and can’t really think about marriage right now) and i just think we’ve never experienced life without eachother and we have so much more room to grow independently and on our own. we really tried our hardest to make things work but inevitably we realized that the only proactive action we could take was to separate for the best for both of us. we honestly never fought very often and when we did we were super mature about it and this is super cheesy but it’s as if the past 3-4 years of our relationship, we helped eachother build wings on our back and now it’s ready for both of us to fly... without eachother T_T our last promise together was that 2019 would be our year to grow on our own and we broke up on a really good note. (i’m still sad AF tho) 

i know i never shared much about our relationship, so this might be a lil bit offstandish for you guys. all i ask is for you guys not to make assumptions about our relationship and to not speak about it on stream for now! i really hope you guys can understand if i’m a little off because this is the hardest thing emotionally that i’ve ever gone through. i am trying not to get too emotional HAHAHA anyways my english was probably so bad i’m sorry 

anyways, LET’S TALK ABOUT HAPPY STUFF! 

i’ve been filming a lot of different content behind the scenes! here’s a sneak peek of one of the videos i have coming soon hehe

ALSO LOOOOK HOW MUCH BENJI HAS GROWN 

he’s so handsome now.. i hope i grow as much as he did as a human being this year :) 

coachelLA PICTURES! 

coachella wa really fun and i was so lucky to be able to experience with my friends .... i plan on relaly focusing on my friendships, community, and myself from now on <3 

also my kitty should be here next month... i’m so excited... 

these are pictures of her hahah :) lemme know if you guys have any name recommendations

also my birthday is coming up yay!!! olly got me some alcohol LMAO i can finally say that i’m not underaged anymore and i won’t hold my friends back when i go to bars or clubs 

i also made tres leches cake on stream and it turned out great in taste but looks a bit janky haha

ok honestly guys i’m like not in a good emotional state right nowa nd don’t think i can type anymore :( i just need a day or two to really be sad. i’m totally okay guys like really don’t worry, i’ve been through this before and i know that this is the best for me and i’m going to come out of this so much stronger!!!! i know it. so dont worry about me too much :) i’m going to be happy and excited on my birthday stream and i have so much to look forward to including you guys. i love you guys so much 

here’s some funny memes

okay i loev ou guys

bye bye 

okay okay, I know what you guys are thinking -- Jaime, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! HOW CAN YOU MAKE THE SUB-BLOG GO PUBLIC?!?! WHAT HAPPENED TO *THAT* LIST... THE *YOU KNOW WHAT* LIST... 

and my response is... I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never had such a list. 

okay, real talk though, I decided to let my sub-blog go public for multiple reasons: 

♡ no one wants to enter a password that I change constantly

♡ most of what I say I would love to share with my regular viewers who can’t afford to sub, and this is my main source of updating you guys on a more personal basis for those who follow me more on social media and not my stream

♡ I’m incorporating a lot more sub-only things into the community, so I figured I could let one go! 

we’ll see how it goes and if it does start to feel uncomfortable, we can always bring it back :) but there’s little to nothing that I can think of that would make this weird because I don’t overshare that much... I think... HAHA we’ll see

ANYWAYS, REALLY GOOD NEWS! for the past few months I’ve had a little team of subs working on our community Minecraft server! (SO MUCH THANKS TO GOLDEYE, WATTEHMS, MATTY, MAXWELL, BRADLEY, JOSTER <3) I’ll try to log on everyday and just have a habit of keeping it online. I think it’d be cute to be able to log onto something and see everyone in the same world! 

if you’re a sub, please fill out the form that I linked in the discord! it’s also the same form you use to join the gummie gang stream team, and also for me to know what your discord usernames are (a lot of times when you guys message me, your discord username is different from your twitch and I have no idea LOL) there’s also a little response section where you can give me any suggestions you want! (stream ideas, sub emotes, etc) ~ HAVE FUN! 

AND EVEENNNN MORE GOOD NEWS!!!  

WE’LL BE ON FRONT PAGE OF TWITCH THIS THURSDAY!! WEEE!! 

I’ll probably be doing a sit-down cooking stream into a mukbang :) TIME IS TO BE ANNOUNCED BUT IT SHOULD BE AROUND THE TIME FRAME OF 12PM - 2PM OR 2PM - 4PM! I’ll let you guys know as soon as possible on discord. I’ll also be streaming tomorrow/Tuesday and Wednesday so I’ll let you guys know on stream too! 

OK THAT’S IT FOR ANNOUNCEMENTS!~ here are my own personal lil updates

BENJI HAS GROWN SOOO MUCH! okay not gonna lie, he was kinda dying for a bit during the winter, I don’t think he really did well in the cold... his leaves would fall off sometimes and yellow at the ends. I was getting really scared and to be honest I’m so attached to this god damn plant that it was taking a sad mental toll on me. LMFAO. WHY AM I LIKE THIS. anyway, I gave him some fertilizer and stayed consistent with him, watered him whenever I needed to and tried to keep him in warm yet sunny areas of my house. and YAY, SPRING ROLLS AROUND AND HE’S GROWN BIGGER THAN I HAVE EVER SEEN HIM GROW!!! 

before (when I first got him) and now! I’m so proud... only I can write a paragraph raving about my pet plant... jeez it’ll be crazy once I get an actual cat or something... 

there was a really busy week in march where I spent all my leftover time planning Aria’s birthday. it was honestly the cutest thing ever seeing all her friends get together and work on stuff for her. I remember being insanely tired during it but once I saw her reaction for her surprise party, my heart melted and I just told myself wow that was soooo worth it LOL. here’s some pictures from my end <3

we got these GIANT balloons that spelled out ARIA and it took forever to get into the car and out LMAO... excuse my janky no makeup face but it was so funny seeing us struggle so hard with the balloons T_T LOL

we spent hours late at night working on her scrapbook and baking stuff for her. I was working on strawberry cheesecake shoots and I remember cutting 10+ strawberries and thinking, “wow, it would suck if I dropped these,” and then guess what happened... 

I dropped them lmao 

anyways it turned out so wholesome and cute <3 

I found the airbnb on this website called peerspace and when I saw it, it SCREAMED ARIA...

you’re welcome for me blessing your eyes

we seriously worked our *aesthetic* muscle for this because we knew aria would appreciate the heck out of it 

OKAY ANYWAYS MOVING ON!! yesterday I went to h-mart and got a shit ton of groceries. and I realized it’s STRAWBERRY SEASON!!! there’s still a lot of stuff that I want to buy that isn’t available here though, so my mom tries to send me all that she can :D 

I love her so much I miss her so much wahhh I can’t even talk about my parents because I’ll just start crying because I miss them so much ... ok also I was supposed to stream yesterday but I took a nap... and... didn’t... haha... jaimewhatswrongwithyou.exe.... here’s a post-nap selfie though... 

I looked heckin janky but snow saved my ass 

ANYWAY I spent the rest of the night just reading and I finished my monthly book read! here are my two recommendations for you guys :) 

I absolutely love love love this book! it will really help if you’re an overthinker like me. tl;dr, it talks about the inside voice in your head that constantly battles with itself and refers to it as an “annoying roommate.” with consistent reading (a chapter or two before sleeping at night) it really helped me clear my mind and become super aware of how the voice in my head could be more harmful than helfpul. if you’re new to reading it is quite a bit to read though so if you want something easier then I suggest this: 

gosh, my life became so simple when I read this book consistently. it basically shares four simple agreements that you should always be conscious of in life. this book just really helped me not take things as personally, to not make assumptions, and it just gave me a much more simple and clear perspective on things and issues. SUPER SUPER EASY TO READ!!! downfall is, it kinda talks about religion a lot at the end, which might make it uncomfortable for some of you guys. I couldn’t really enjoy the last bits of it that much because of that sole reason but it’s still a great read and taught me lots of fundamentals I never knew I needed for my own mindset :) 

I went to LCS the day before yesterday and it was really fun because I brought a portable cut-out of scarra LMAOOOOOO the thread is really funny so you guys should go read it: https://twitter.com/iGumdrop/status/1114687260434124801

I also did my taxes yesterday (well I finished up what was left of it) during the games LOL and then I went to annie’s place afterwards because her mom is an accountant and she helped me file them. I’m soooo happy I got them over with because I feel so free now! 

hm ok ending these are always hard because it always seem so abrupt, mainly because even my 200 WPM fingers get tired of typing. I guess all I have to say is, hello new readers of my sub-blog, I hope you enjoy your time here! and thank you so much to everybody who supports me. it really means the world to me and I never go one day without insanely appreciating you guys. this month I’ma hit you guys with that dudududuududud GOOD CONTENT! <3

and alas, a few of my favorite cute lil drawings this month from chibird~ 

(+ my community) 

WELL, FAREWELL FRIENDS! TILL NEXT TIME <3 

oh my god guys i literally just finished writing this sub blog and then i refreshed the page by accident and it all disappeared i can’t SO HERE WE GO AGAIN....

happy march guys! i had a long month of february and a lot to tell and share with you guys. i’m pretty sure you guys noticed that i spent a lot of time with my friends during that month, specifically with aria/joyce/celine especially. it’s probably because i started playing games more that we started hanging out more, and it’s honestly really funny when we get together because it seems like four degenerate girls in a slice of life anime just exploring life together and messing around together and yeah LOL. here’s a picture of when we walked in the rain to get fried chicken and finally got it after a long and hard road battle...

also aria’s pets are so therapeutic i love mickey and cleo

other than celine/aria/joyce, i’ve been hanging out a lot with albert too! we’ve just been streaming together a lot and if you guys saw, we did a cooking stream together where we assigned eachother a recipe that we had to impromptu follow. i gave him pork roast from shokugeki no soma which he tried to recreate and here is the expectation VS reality:

LOOOL. it was pretty funny and annie’s reaction to tasting it was the most wholesome thing ever. you guys probably don’t see much of annie because she’s so busy with school but she’s like my older sister who always cheers me up when i need it the most and i love her so much...she also literally takes care of my wounds (on thanksgiving i peeled some of my finger off and she wrapped it up for me and made me a homemade ice pack)

janet’s surprise birthday party was also in february! i’m sure you guys have seen this picture already but just in case any of you haven’t~

it’s crazy because only a year ago, i remember shitting my pants going to the offline tv house to play mafia because i was so nervous if we would all get along or not. and only a year later i feel like all of us have been through so much together that we really trust and love eachother like a big family.

anyways, now to the *real* part... i spent a lot of february not alone and in the company of my friends. and i was debating on not sharing this with you guys, but anybody who isn’t lazy enough to type in the password and read this subblog probably does care a lot about me so i want to share you guys to why february was a harder month for me. i fell into a deep dark hole of internet hate last month and even though it started with just a few mean youtube comments, i dug deeper and started reading mean reddit threads and hateful anonymous comments and even anonymous DMs. before last month i kinda always knew that this hate existed, i just never bothered to read them or put my attention onto them. idk how it happened but it did, and before i knew it i was in really dark place.

people would be calling me spoiled, ugly, not deserving to live, a fake bitch, telling me i should kill myself, and above all those trolls there were serious people too who were messaging me in their disappointment in me, along with just a lot of false assumptions about me...i always thought i had thick skin and that those things wouldn’t bother me which is why i never read them, but some days you’re more sensitive than others, and i guess it just hit me during the wrong time. this made extremely insecure, and at one point i even started to believe the things that people were saying about me and it made me hate myself even more. it was hard for me and it really made me feel like i was letting everybody down in my life when that wasn’t the case at all.

after that i was super self-conscious about all my actions and whatever came out of my mouth. it was hard for me to stream because there are literally people who are watching my stream at ALL times just waiting to clip a moment that shows me being “violent”, “spoiled”, a “fake bitch”...i was kinda scared and it was super hard to sleep too

that’s why i spent a lot of time with my friends last month because they did really make me feel safe. since all my closest friends are in the public image as much as i am if not more, i really felt understood and secure being with them. and guys, honestly, that month was really hard for me but it made me so so so much stronger. i have really changed my perspective to know and believe that i really can’t please everyone, and i need to work to make ME happy and nobody else especially not a hater on the internet. it made me appreciate all the people who were always there for me (you guys, my friends, family) and i realized all the attention i give to negative haters should be given to all my loved ones instead.

i also wanted to thank you guys, who always sent me such supportive messages and any of you who watched my stream whenever you could in your free time. guys, don’t get me wrong, the supportive messages always meant a lot to me, but after reading so many hate messages, seeing a sub just sending me a message of support in my chat just made my HEART SO FUCKING WARM!!! i fucking love you guys. AND I AM OVER ALL OF IT NOW!!!! AND I AM BACK STRONGER!!! HELL YEAAAA JAIME THICKER SKIN +10 POINTS IN LIFE BITCHES!!! what doesn’t kill u makes u stronger

ANYWHO!!! look what anna (nakoini) sent me!! SO CUTE!!

okay honestly not gonna lie after i wrote all of that (twice) i’m pretty tired and have no idea what else to write in this entry... OH! here are my goals for this month:

♡ workout consistently

♡ get better at league

♡ incorporate more games onto my channel

♡ spend more time with my community

with that being said, i’ll be bringing back anime/movie night! i was thinking of doing them on fridays at 5pm PDT. i’ll talk more about the time on stream, but yeah everyone always requests for them so let’s do that more.

also wanted to tell you guys that because i’m going to be streaming league more, you’ll probably see a bit of a change in my community/chat... i don’t think it will be a bad change, but i checked my analytics and already just from streaming league of legends the past week, more of my viewers watch league more than they do just chatting.. isn’t that crazy? it’s only by 3% but still HAHA.

and i’m aware that i’ll have a drop in viewership while i invest more times in games, but to be honest with you guys i couldn’t sustain a healthy balance for myself constantly doing IRL. and also league makes me have so much fun right now and it’s a game i seriously want to keep on playing! and don’t worry, i was never really one to care too much about viewership, as long as my chat is happy and i’m happy fun i still absolutely love streaming. if you told me a year ago i could have even more than 300 viewers playing league i’d be so happy HAHAHAHAH. but whose to say i won’t change my mind next month hehe, life is always kind of a search for balance. this month i’ll be spending a lot more time on my stream and community at the sacrifice of spending time with friends/family but that’s completely okay since i spent so much time last month rekindling those. <3

and to get into the healthy habit of being proud of our achievements even if they are small, here’s my list for the month of feb! and feel free to share them with me while i’m streaming, i absolutely love hearing your guys’ little achievements even if they’re small.

♡ i’m pretty sure if friendships had a grade, i got 100% A+ last month for all my friends <3

♡ got through a rough month with an advantage after (a stronger mental and appreciation for my loved ones)

♡ my uber rating went up to a 4.8 LMAO

♡ learned four new cooking recipes

ok.. as you can see my month was not very successful BUT.. i have my own personal list of things i am going to work on too! and from what i’ve learned from being in the public eye and having a magnifying glass on me:

your life is YOUR life, and nobody is in the position to tell you what to do with it. you decide what you wanna do for yourself, and those who support and love you will support and love you, and those who don’t shouldn’t stop you from doing what you love or doing what makes you happy.

hi all! it’s going to be a text-lengthy one today. most of my recent journal entries have been pretty picture-filled, but i have a lot to say today to you guys! HEHE

january is finally over... i actually do think that month went by at a good pace, what about you guys? i feel like i did everything i wanted to this month and it feels so good! my sleep schedule was super wonky in the beginning of the month, but i do think i’ve started to built a stronger discipline of getting up in bed in the mornings and have been making the best out of them.

i think all of last year i complained so much on my sub blog HAHA, and i’m so happy to say that i’m feeling really healthy with myself these days and finally finding a balance in my life. i really see myself growing inside and out and it is making me so excited!

i’m going to write some of the goals i have accomplished this month, and i really want you guys to get into the habit of this too! it’s so easy to progress through life shitting on ourselves, wondering what we could have done better, dwelling over the past...but we really have to remember that we are human beings, we all have flaws, mistakes, sometimes timing fucks us over, but that doesn’t mean we can’t love ourselves. so make sure to write down your little accomplishments whenever you’re feeling down about yourself because i ASSURE you that we are doing so so so much more than we think we are most times.

here’s my list:

♡ learned at least 6+ new recipes that i got to share with you guys (can you believe i’ve only been doing cooking streams for a month?)

♡ found my new profound love for cats and hoping to have a lil one in my home soon! i am searching

♡ i started to meditate weekly (i have a habit of doing it only when i’m super stressed, but all the self-improvement role models i look up to meditate on a daily basis so i really want to incorporate this into my lifestyle! i know it sounds cheesy, but it really does help calm me down when my mind is filled with stress and anxiety)

♡ i had some shaky friendship issues that i opened up about, communicated, and wholeheartedly resolved

♡ i think i finally put together my apartment the way i like it, and uploaded pictures onto the internet!

♡ was there for a few of my friends when they needed me the most, and vice versa :)

♡ developing healthier mental habits (not putting myself down as much, encouraging myself, forgiving myself, and BEING PROACTIVE)

honestly, i didn’t know how much i did with my month until i wrote all of those down! and now i can finally move on from january with happy feelings and am ready for february.. i hope you guys really do this! and if you don’t, take it from me -- you are doing GREAT, i promise :)

i’m sure you guys saw my post on instagram/twitter but if you don’t follow me on those platforms, here’s a pic of my room and living area that i chill in :) i absolutely love it so much. i’m so much more emotional during this sub blog LOL, but only a year ago this was my room: 

it’s really crazy how much can change, huh? it made me realize how hard i actually worked. throughout the whole entire year i was doubting myself, telling myself i should be working harder, wishing that i did things differently, worrying about my potential and really putting myself down. but now that i look back, i really did the best i could have done, and am so proud of myself!!! everything i learned last year and all the mistakes i made, were all sooooo worth it :) 2019 jaime is so grateful for 2018 jaime!!! and most importantly, thank you guys so fucking much for never doubting me even one single ounce last year. whenever i felt down you guys picked me back up, and really really believed in me. so thank you i love you guys, that’s such a powerful thing to have <3 

ok enough of the mushiness, but I HAVE BEEN CAT SEARCHING! if you guys follow my instagram story, i’ve been going to adoption centers and cat cafes left and right LOL. i’ve found a few kittens that i’ve fallen in love with, but were reserved before i even had a chance. there’s lots of cats that i like too, but i’m pretty strict on wanting a kitten for my first pet just so i can have it grow with me and adjust to my lifestyle. here’s a cute cat pic T_T it’s nagi from jun and rachel’s channel~ 

i also fell in love with the one on the left, but he was taken by the time i asked if he was available for adoption :( sigh.. i will find the one! some day! one day! soon!

january was filled with a ton of family problems for me. what makes the month so special to me is that i actually did really go through a lot for the first few weeks, but i handled it so well... okay sorry guys i’m totally jerking myself off this entry but I REALLY AM ABOUT THAT SELF-LOVE JOURNEY, AND I FEEL LIKE IF I DO IT YOU GUYS WILL TOO!!! it’s just soooo fulfilling guys... 

anyway, my brother moved to california and you guys all know that i’m not really from a rich family or anything. i feel a lot of responsibility for the financial struggles that my family has, and especially now that my brother is 18 he’s finally having his own dreams and his own willpower to create a life of his own. i’m pretty proud of him... my brother dealt with a lot of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts growing up. dealing with the same thing in high school, i knew exactly what he was going through. lots of issues came up during his move in january, but they’re all finally resolved, he’s settled in, and school is starting for him soon! 

i’ve been teaching him how to cook and he made his first meal prep dish, i’m so proud lol

guys i’m just really going to work my fucking hardest to be able to help create a life for my brother and my mom and dad..i love them so much and i missed them so much on chinese new year.. OMG I’M SO EMOTIONAL THIS ENTRY I’M SO SORRYYYYY .. ok jaime don’t be sorry. nO MORE SAYING SORRY FOR NO REASON! THERE’S NOTHING TO BE SORRRY ABOUT! 

I MADE KOREAN FRIED CHICKEN! recipe here: https://www.maangchi.com/recipe/easy-dakgangjeong

and my kawaii pig pork buns that didn’t have enough meat in them... i’m sure some of you guys saw on my stream lol

i feel bad recycling pictures i’ve already posted but just wanted to say happy new year again <3 i’m so excited for this year and i hope you guys are too :)

there’s this anime avatar creator https://picrew.me/image_maker/3595 it’s super fun! here’s the character i made 

IT’S ME!!! HEHEHEHEHEHE 

the anime this season is actually pretty good, i’ve been watching kaguya love is war, promised neverland, and shield hero! let me know if there’s anything else i should be watching~ 

ALSO i’ve been thinking about creating a minecraft server for our subs! what do you guys think? i just don’t have the time for it so if there’s anybody who wants to take point on it and help me build a server, i’ll appreciate it so much HEHEHE just discord dm me please :) and if i have a few of you, then i can just have a few of you guys working on it! of course i’ll try my best to help whenever i can! i think it’d just be nice to come online and see some of you guys playing whenever hahahaha.. 

okay that’s all for now guys~ see you back here in a few weeks <3 also this is something lily drew for me sigh she’s been spoiling me with art the past year

wooo!!! new sub update!! haven’t been here in a while eh..? hahahaha i’m getting more used to saying ‘’eh’’ watch out canadians i’m stealing your slang >:D 

christmas was fun, we did white elephant in justfriends (it wasn’t streamed) and it was super wholesome and funny. i bought a bsdm beginner kit lmao and kimi got it...

it was hilarious lmao but it ended up being passed around and jana went home with it LOOOOOOL. it was definitely a wholesome time :’) gift wrapping was definitely extremely therapeutic for me. as janky and crazy and ratchet as i get, there’s some random ass things that i just take my time with and truly enjoy...

i can’t believe the holidays are over now and it’s finally 2019! so crazy... here are some of my new years resolutions: 

♡ develop healthier habits (i want to sleep early, wake up earlier, stay hydrated) 

♡ work on my youtube channel 

♡ find a balance for streaming (i feel like i’m slowly getting this with my mini schedule!!!) 

♡ meet new people and keep my current relationships strong 

♡ try a new hair color 

♡ become more financially savvy and smart ;) 

let me know on stream what some of your guys resolutions are! whatever it is, i’d say to keep yourself accountable. write steps to how you can achieve every single one and focus on your goals from a day-to-day basis. of course i’m learning how to do this too so we can do it together! 

i’ve been hanging out with both kimi & leslie a lot lately! even though we lived together in justfriends, we were bombarded with work and streams and just a lot of stress (not necessarily caused by eachother, but caused by our hectic environment). we’ve been bonding in ways that we haven’t bonded in forever and it makes me so warm and fuzzy. these two are definitely friends that i can say i will have for the rest of my life...we’ve been together since day one and always will :) 

i’m also experiencing cat-withdrawal... if you guys read my post before this, you know that i was taking care of a cat for two weeks! her name was aurora. she was so scared of me the first few days or so but when she warmed up she would cuddle me while we slept, greet me at the door, and just keep me company whenever i was alone. she’s so friggen cute. i hated cats before this but she made me grow so fond of them and nOW I WANT ONE I CAN’T BELIEVE IT LOL

what’s stopping me from getting one is that i do think the winter and sun going down earlier is making me feel more lonely, so i don’t want to make an impulse decision and get a pet HAHAHA. also i think it’d be more financial responsibility on my plate that i’m not sure if i can handle right now, or if it would be smart for me to take! i’m really thinking about it though...they’re so cute and i’m definitely a cat lover now. it’s so true that you just need one good experience with a cat and you might just fall in love with them. they’re also INSANELY EASY TO TAKE CARE OF! 

yes, yes, yes, i have finished bunny girl senpai! i knew my community would friggen love this anime hahahaha. i give it a solid 7/10, i love the characters, i loved the beginning of the anime, but alas, i think the ending was rushed :( i was pretty sad about how the ending was, but it wasn’t TERRIBLE... i wish they put more information or light on shouko because she just seemed a bit random for me. gave me golden time vibes, yanno? either way,  I LOVED THE ANIMATION and i also was a fan of the ending/opening song ♡!!! would definitely watch since it’s only 13 episodes :) 

mai was my favorite character T_T she was just sooo my type! haha

also while i was watching i baked these lil butter cookies~ 

i’m jankily watching my tv without a tv stand here but i recently got one from ikea! i love ikea furniture so much for some reason... it’s just super minimalistic and cheap lol peter and my brother built it for me 

peter has been helping me out a TON so i really wanna thank him back with a present or something. i think i’m a god with presents but everything i think of getting him, his community has already gotten him... if you guys have any recommendations please let me know ROFL...

also i know a lot of you guys haven’t seen my new setup, it’s in my bedroom now! i didn’t want to post this one cus my room is such a mess bUT i forgot to take another one so here is my room in its glory of a mess :D 

♡♡♡♡ RECIPE TIME ♡♡♡♡

❤❤ TWISTED SUGAR DOUGHTNUTS ❤❤

i honestly wouldn’t recommend making these, they require way too much work LMAO when you can probably just get it at your nearest asian bakery, buuuut if you’re looking for a challenge and are free on sunday morning then give these a try! here’s the recipe i used: 

https://www.maangchi.com/recipe/kkwabaegi

❤❤ MOZZARELLA GARLIC BREAD ❤❤

made this on stream today, it was definitely orgasmic...i’m not sure if it’s worth your time, the dough takes a while to sit and grow (probably around an hour) but i think it’s worth it to make for a family or a group of friends :)

recipe: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8MOTK9ztEc

❤❤ OMURICE!!!!!!!! ❤❤

i’ve shared this recipe before, but it’s SO SO SO SO EASY THAT YOU NEED TO TRY IT! AND DELICIOUS! here’s the recipe~~~ 

make it for a girl ;)

there was a 100T party for valkyrae’s birthday, definitely a foreign environment since there were so many people i didn’t know, lots of fortnite clout...still fun though! here’s my outfit :] 

i tried to socialize and i think i did a decent job (talked to every girl at the party but guys are scary) but at the end of the night all of justfriends went to pho together and it was so wholesome! realized that no matter what happens we’ve been through so much shit together that we’ll be together through thick and thin ❤

also here’s a meme that i thought was really funny

ok guys i think that’s it! i know a lot of you guys were worried because i took the day off sunday to heal mentally. to be honest there is a lot going on right now but i don’t want to talk about it yet. but i’m super happy today, have handled the situation, and am still handling right now but with a healthy mindset and attitude! we can’t control situations and some things are out of our hands, but what we can control is our response and reaction to things, which changes the result! i really think staying grateful makes you stay optimistic which leads to a healthier mindset

love u all, thanks so much for reading again gummie gang <3

hi allllllll! i usually am super feelsy with my posts, but i’ve been so distracted with productivity (i guess that’s a good thing) that i haven’t really been feeling emotional at all lately..HAHA WHAT A SURPRISE BUT A VERY PLEASANT ONE! if you tryna catch feels then read the entries before this one ^o^ 

so let’s start off with the recipe i made today :) 

i can’t believe i successfully made this LOL i feel like i unlocked a skill and leveled up because i usually don’t deep-fry things

ingredients: potato starch, chicken thighs (skin off), soy sauce, sake(optional), honey (optional), sugar, sesame oil,  Japanese 7 Spice Blend (Shichimi Togarashi) 

1. cut the chicken thighs into 4-6 cm pieces (they will shrink in size when cooked)

2. put in the japanese 7 spice blend, at least 2 tablespoons of soy sauce (soy sauce is strong so don’t go overboard with it), some honey, two tablespoons of sugar, some sesame oil (tbh i just eye it... so i can’t really help with measurements LMAO just make sure it smells good) 

3. marinate it for like, 3-5 minutes

4. put potato starch into a bowl, start dipping the chicken into the starch one by one but make sure not to drown it in starch, and tap off the excess. it’s ok if there’s spots that aren’t covered with starch 

5. let it sit for like 5 minutes, it should kinda sink in with the marinade

6. heat up oil in a pot or wok, it should be high enough so that the chicken will get covered completely but not drowning 

7. wait for it to bubble and then put in the chicken one by one (try not to put too much, you can look at my stream for reference but i put like 5-6 in at a time) 

8. take it out after one minute, then put it back in 

9. take it out after 30 seconds, then put it back in 

10. put it in for another 30 seconds and then take it back out (this is called triple frying LOL it helps it become crispier and i let it rest like a few seconds at least before putting it back in) 

OK HAVE FUN! it’s pretty good, i would just season it with japanese mayo or the okonomi sauce i used. i also sprinkled the shichimi togarashi on top for extra *aesthetic* 

ok this is really really really easy [PREHEAT UR OVEN FIRST TO 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT] 

1. cook salt and spaghetti in water for around 9-10 minutes (taste to make sure it’s cooked)

2. i put oil in it... and let it sit in the oil for like a few minutes and then drain it...some ppl will disagree but i love it idk 

3. fry sliced garlic, onions, pork belly in oil

4. add tomato sauce 

5. add cooked spaghetti, mix it in a baking bowl/pan, then add mozzarella cheese anD POP IT IN THE OVEN 

this is actually so easy and cheap like really there’s no reason not to make it AND FILLING

anyway thanks for watching today’s stream it was super fun, will be doing this every tuesday so yeah <3 

so new york was pretty interesting... it’s always pretty emotional for me to go back because my life is so so so different there. the financial status is different, the people are different, the weather is different, my room is different, pretty much everything is so different and i kind of forget who i am and suffer identity crisis LMFAO. but here’s some pics of my dog, i love him so much, i miss him so much, he’s probably the saddest part about leaving home...

he legit starts to sit on the ground looking really sad the moment i bring my suitcase out because he knows i’m going to be leaving.. i said i wouldn’t get emotional but LMFAO MY DOG MAKES ME SO EMOTIONAL OMG I CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT FOR TOO LONG ANYWAY

my parents also got my a durian!!!! this is really their way of telling me that they love me...

and you know my parents like REALLY LOVE ME WHEN THEY MAKE ME MY FAVORITE CRAB WHEN I COME HOME SIIIIGH

AND HAIANESE CHICKEN UGH

ok actually, like, something that was really sad was that i had to leave a day early...a mistake happened and i was accidentally not informed of a video shoot i had with NZXT (i’m sponsored by NZXT btw now yay) and it was the day before i flew back to LA. it ended up being a pretty big opportunity that i felt really bad for missing, and it was eating me alive so i ended up taking a flight a day earlier to make it. my mom was sooooo sad, i think my parents didn’t take it well at first and yeah they were sad... my mom literally just curled up in a ball on the floor under a blanket. this is. WHERE. I GET. IT FROM. 

she got over it though, i pulled an allnighter and spent the whole night with her before my flight T____T i am trying to call my mom a lot more frequently because i feel so bad, i know they miss me sooo MUCH WAHHH THE EMOTIONS OMG 

ALSO THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE WHO CAME TO MY MEET UP <3

anyways i took the next flight at 6am and ended up in LA and went to my video shoot with not much sleep AND OMG IT WAS SO WORTH IT THEY MADE A CAKE FOR US!! AND WE GOT A COMPUTER!! 

it was really fun and the first time i’ve ever felt so loved by a company!!! so happy to be an influencer for them ^_^ 

btw remember benji when i first got him? this is how much he’s grown!!!

i’m so proud of myself!!!! he’s so big and thicc and healthy now! his leaves look greener ^________^ i actually really taking care of him, if i do well the next few months for myself and reach my own personal goals i’m thinking of splurging on a few larger plants for my balcony to take care of <3 

also jodi is staying over and look at this lil cute setup we have for her!! 

**SKINCARE**!!!!!!! 

ok, listen up boyz, if u trying to upgrade ur skin routine or even start having one, here’s my ultimate guide

**WASHING UR FACE WITH JUST WATER AND THEN NOT PUTTING ON MOISTURIZER IS REALLY DRYING FOR UR FACE!! and even if you have oily-prone skin, a lot of faces start to generate more oil than needed because of it being dry, so moisturizer is always good!** 

---- DRY SKIN ---- flakiness, patchy-skin, overall a ‘’rough’’ feeling, chapped lips 

1. clean your face with an oil-based cleanser! i would recommend this one 

https://www.amazon.com/Facial-Cleanser-Natural-Cleansing-Moisturizer/dp/B00809ERAM/ref=sr_1_4_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1545216697&sr=8-4&keywords=korean+oil+cleanser

2. moisturize!!! this is so important!!!

CHEAP OPTION: 

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007VL84H2/ref=psdc_16479981011_t1_B008191D30

MY FAVORITE BUT PRICIER OPTION

https://www.amazon.com/Mamonde-Moisture-Ceramide-Intense-Cream/dp/B017NCGSB2/ref=sr_1_4_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1545216925&sr=8-4&keywords=mamonde%2Bmoisturizer&th=1

---- OILY SKIN ---- acne-prone, clogged pores, blackheads/whiteheads, greasy/oily t-zone

1. clean your face with a foam-based cleanser! 

https://www.amazon.com/Vitamin-Facial-Cleanser-Ingredients-InstaNatural/dp/B00VMYKCL0/ref=sr_1_5_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1545217125&sr=8-5&keywords=oily+skin+korean+cleanser

https://www.amazon.com/Face-Shop-Water-Bright-Cleansing/dp/B00FJ2LU2Q/ref=sr_1_7_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1545217125&sr=8-7&keywords=oily+skin+korean+cleanser

2. moisturize with something lighter 

https://www.amazon.com/Facial-Moisturizer-Combination-Prone-Sensitive/dp/B0114E2FQC/ref=sr_1_4_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1545217239&sr=8-4&keywords=oily+acne+prone+skin+moisturizer

PLEASE READ THE PRODUCTS AND REVIEWS AND MATCH IT TO YOUR SKIN! i can’t guarantee these are the best products for you but just a place for you guys to start! <3

ok that’s pretty much it, jodi just got back so i don’t really have anymore to write, it definitely was more of a picture-update entry HAHA and i will write in this soon since this entry is so short!! 

LOVE U GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MERRY CHRIBMAS!!! jk ok well thanksgiving passed and now it is TIME TO GET INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT! seriously though, i’m sure so many of you have been trapped inside your house because of the cold and haven’t gone out, but really put in an effort to go to the mall and see all the christmas decorations along with the christmas music and maybe it’ll get you in the holiday spirit a bit more! :D i’m not christian or anything but my mom liked celebrating christmas growing up (jankily) because of all the gift-giving and happy vibes HAHA...

anyway, a lot has happened huh? we did two escape rooms justfriends x offlineTV, that was super fun! i was insanely scared for the first one but i’m happy i experienced it and stuck it through. nonetheless i will never ever do it again. i had nightmares for the next few weeks and couldn’t wash my face without opening my eyes because i was so scared LMFAO 

a lot of people were asking for my omurice recipe so here it is! it is actually super super easy to make :) 

ingredients: day old rice [it can be fresh too], eggs, carrots, onions, garlic, spam [or any meat you want], ketchup

• 1. toss the garlic & onions into a pan with a lil bit of oil (i’d wait for it to heat up just a bit)

• 2. toss in the carrots and then put a lid on the pan [i like doing this cus the carrots get steamed a bit and it makes them soft] 

• 3. take the lid off and add the spam! after a minute, turn up the heat, push everything to the side of the pan, add a lil more oil, wait for the oil to heat up, and add the rice! [this makes it a lil crispy]

• 4. let the rice sit and then mix mix mix mix! 

• 5. in a bowl, break a few eggs [i used 5 eggs for mine lol] and mix it with salt & pepper. then put a lil oil in another pan, pour the egg mixture in! 

• 6. how i do my egg is a lil weird... i spread the egg mixture all over the pan like a pancake, then use chopsticks to push the sides of the egg into the middle, then swirl the pan to get the mixture out to fill the sides again, okay that’s confusing i’ll show you guys on instagram story one day! my egg literally will cook in less than a minute, and i like it that way so that it stays just a tiny bit runny and has more texture and doesn’t dry out.t 

• 7. put the egg on top of the rice and serve it with ketchup! 

i also made beef & broccoli with my favorite homemade healthy soup! let me know if you guys want the recipe :) it’s super good for when you’re feeling a little under the weather and just want something easy to eat! 

also look at all the food we had for thanksgiving! not to brag but everybody said my turkey was super super good, peter said it was the best turkey he’s ever had in his life!! honestly i was so surprised, it was my first time making turkey and it was soooo insanely moist, the juices were coming out!! i nevr knew turkey could be so moist LOL. i will give you guys my recipe next year hahaha

i’m actually not great at cooking, but when i do cook i’ll always try my best to remember the small details and i think it makes a huge difference! i don’t cook a lot on stream because i actually suck at knife skills, and i’m messy, and yeah it just calls for a lot of backseat cooking u___u but it’s something i really enjoy in my off-time! it’s a skill i plan on just increasing for the rest of my life! 

the spaghetti we made was actually sooo good too, i made the meat sauce but celine cooked the noodles and i’ve never tasted better noodles ever in my life! i don’t know what she did but the noodles were the perfect buttery texture *~*

ok enough of food! november was definitely the month of food...it’s so cold now! legit i’m always in my blankets and now that i’m going back to new york (literally tonight) i’m really embracing myself for the cold LOL. i actually really miss my hometown. it’s incredibly different from LA: the people are different, the environment is different, the food, the culture, everything! i feel like i transport worlds when i go from new york to LA and vice versa. i used to always want to leave home and just venture out to the world, and don’t get me wrong i love it and was so happy i made that choice, but there really is nothing like home! 

my lemon blanket >o< 

anyways i’m so excited to see my doggo too! my parents have been sending me pictures of him... 

apparently when he hears my voice from my mom playing my stream, he quickly runs up to her and will wait in front of my room for me to get home...sigh, i miss him so much!!! i really can’t wait to see and cuddle him. dogs are so healing and everyday i kind of think about getting one, but i’m just not in the position financially and career-oriented-wise to get one. i travel often and since i want to put more time into myself and focus on my life right now, i would feel bad dividing that attention with a doggo. so maybe in the future! <3

the past week i have been feeling intense anxiety... i actually hadn’t felt that deep of anxiety in so long, it was crazy to me that it seemed like a foreign feeling when i had it for years back in high school. the last time i had such intense anxiety was probably last year when i had a ton of finals to take in uni. i couldn’t figure out why, there was no specific reason to my anxiety, but i think it was because i was on my period and since my cramps were so painful, i took 5 midol and that probably made my mind go a little crazy...never again :( 

anyway what i realized from those times of anxiety, here are some tips for you guys just in case you guys are feeling what i was feeling:

1. your mind is playing tricks with you! remember that your thoughts are spiraling, and that you’re 100% overthinking and scaring yourself [i kept being extremely negative and thinking of scary things but i realized it was just my own head] 

2. it’s easy to cave into anxiety and just let it get out of control, but really try to force yourself to control it by: 

• opening a livestream [helps me keep track of time realistically since anxiety can make u kinda feel like time is running out] 

• talk to a friend on voice call 

• go outside to a crowded area

• turn on lights and try to get sunlight 

• drink water, fruits helped me a lot 

• cute af anime like lucky star or blend S LOL or DOG VIDEOS

• listening to calm music [animal crossing soundtrack, legend of zelda soundtrack, there’s a cute track ‘‘songs that help you with anxiety’‘ on youtube] 

THINGS THAT WILL MAKE IT WORSE 

• watching shows that can be a little monkaS 

• staying in the dark and in bed 

• letting your thoughts run and telling yourself that there’s no way out 

i know this was a really monkaS topic to talk about, but the only thing i could think of when i was anxious was that i really want to help others who feel that way a lot more than i do...just know that everybody feels anxiety at one point and you’re not crazy or alone! please take action to help yourself and others are there to help you too :) u guys will be ok 

NOW HAPPY THOUGHTS~ after the few days of anxiety i had, the next morning i woke up feeling amazing!!! i listened to all my favorite songs and was dancing in my apartment like an idiot and baked cookies and had an awesome stream that day! really guys, just remember everything is temporary! 

a lot of people have been asking me why i’m not in a lot of the offlinetv/justfriends video highlights on youtube! and i wanted to say that i still hangout with my friends off stream, i just haven’t really been involved with them off-stream. a part of why i wanted to move out is to find my own individual brand. hypothetically even if justfriends blew up i never wanted my success to be from a group entity and so i really wanted some time to focus on myself. it was a little scary because streaming is such a networking-based career that exposure is important, but i did what i think will push me to the right path! so don’t worry if you don’t see me in those clips too often~ and with that being said, i really appreciate everybody who watches me and supports me regardless of if i’m in those highlights or not ❤ it means the world and i will always keep you guys in my heart! 

also here’s sean and peter trolling during our black friday shopping LOL

anyways...........

MY FLIGHT IS VERY SOOON!!! I HAVE TO GO!!! i started animating again but i’m working on a video that’s very different! i hope to show you guys soon, i will try to work on it on the plane and in my downtime in new york. i’m bringing the backpack and will try to do some streams in my hometown as well :) let me know what you guys wanna see or any ideas! 

ALSO IF you guys are in new york, i have a meet & greet on friday at 4PM at washington square park! i’m quite nervous since it’s my very first solo meet & greet that’s not at a convention, but also excited. why is it that if we feel excited, we also have to feel nervousness? why can’t we enjoy anything in this world without a downside? SIGH, that’s just life! and it’s okay! HAHAHA

I LOVE YOU GUYS! thanks for all the support and if you’re a new sub, feel free to read all the entries before this :) it’s like speedgrinding getting to know me!!! 

SAYONARA!! i’ll be back soon guys! <

whatever you want in life, whether it be fun, love, money, a career, fulfillment, ANYTHING! i want you guys to really remind yourselves that you’re capable of anything you want to do or have. 

i heard this somewhere on the internet while i was searching for 9gag memes: 

your beliefs shape your thoughts, your thoughts shape your words, your words shape your actions, and your actions determine everything! 

and just because you believe in yourself doesn’t mean you’re immune to everything: i realized i always believed in myself deep down inside, despite being scared of failure or anxious for the future. i always knew that if i kept trying and trying i would eventually be able to take bigger steps to where i wanted to be! 

i just really think a lot of you guys are amazing, yet so little of you know that. i know this is fucking cheesy but i’d love for you guys (and me) to focus on some self-love <3 

awoah i feel like i haven’t written here in a while... i think it’s been at least three weeks! well hello everyone! i’m back from twitchcon and have sooo much to talk and update you guys about.

twitchcon was really fun! i’m sure you guys have seen a lot of it already. it was really heartwarming seeing everybody have so much fun and so at ease. i’m really sorry if i couldn’t talk to you guys more...that was actually one of the feelings i kept feeling bad about after twitchcon. i wish i got to talk to you guys more individually :( it was hard because i think you guys were assuming that i was busy so you guys didn’t approach me, so only invasive-af people approached me again and again and that was overwhelming af cus it didn’t get me a chance to talk to more of u guys T____T!!! i’m sad about it but nonetheless i’m so happy everybody has so much fun! 

i also gave out shark stickers but i totally underestimated the amount i was going to give out so I RAN OUT SO FUCKING EARLY T___________T;!!

either way i felt like i got closer to a lot of people during this trip :) especially peter and jodi! they’re so fun to be around. also the hotdogs at the venue were SOOOOOOOO GOOOD

after twitchcon, leslie edison andy and i went to SF to stream! i’m sure a lot of you guys were there for that. i found this cute ass sea lion who was just chilling HE WAS MY FAVORITE OMG 

SO CUUUTe!!

anyways, i haven’t been streaming a lot recently :( if you guys realize, there’s always a time of month where i don’t stream as often but i start to post on my sub-blog a lot HAHAHA it’s because i don’t feel as updated with you guys as i usually will when i’m streaming frequently. i’ve been thinking a lot about what i want to do and i feel like this month is really the month of self-reflection and what my vision is for myself in the next few months. 

i’ve decided one thing that i really really miss is low-expectation streaming...i’ve been doing a lot of IRL content that a lot of people like, like my pumpkin-carving stream or my furniture building stream. but i think i have felt a little bit of a burn-out this past year grinding IRL content and i kind of really miss just playing games and chilling on stream. if you guys found me this year, you probably don’t know but i was a league of legends streamer for two and a half years straight! HAHA it was so abnormal to even spend 20+ minutes talking. at one point on twitch, if you spoke for more than an hour without gameplay you would get a warning for a ban! LOL 

i’ve always loved quality > quantity! i’ve always loved putting my effort and creativity into a project and perfecting the little details for everybody to see. but i realized, that’s probably not the healthiest balance for my stream. i burn out easily, and my hours turn out to be a lot less. and so i’ve decided to wipe my youtube channel! i want to start making videos that aren’t just from my stream vods. i don’t know what they’ll be yet (trust me, i spend every single day brainstorming) but i really do want to use youtube as my creative outlet, and streaming as more of a routinely job i enjoy. i noticed i will always rush into ideas way too fast, execute them, and then i don’t know what to do after... (my ratchet ass mad city cover when i was 16, my random animations, randomly stuffing burgers in my mouth for mukbang, putting myself in a shark costume, a music video for scarra??????? like what am i??????????) 

I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO ORGANIZE AND BALANCE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! LIFE GAVE ME 100 SKILL POINTS AND FOR SOME REASON I DISTRIBUTED THEM EVENLY INTO 100 THINGS IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT ONE THING I KNOW IS THAT I WILL MAKE USE OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*ahem*

so, yes, i want to stream more frequently and start getting back into games. of course i am scared because my community is so IRL-oriented...do you guys even play games...honestly i could really use your guys’ feedback right now! so if you have any comments, feel free to leave it here and i’ll read it :) https://ask.fm/igumdropsubs 

DO YOU GUYS EVEN PLAY GAMES??? .. 

i’d prefer if you guys left your tag instead of going 100% anonymous unless you really want to. i actually have some pretty bad PTSD with anonymous messages so yeah LOLOLOL 

hmm what else... i think one important lesson i’ve learned recently that might help calm the storm in your guys’ head too! stress is either regret over the past, or anxiety for the future...i’ve really been just trying to focus in the moment these days and although idk what the fuck i’m doing i’m feeling a lot more at ease not thinking too much into the future/past to the point where i ignore my present. 

GUYS, UR DOING FINE!! TRSUT ME1!!! THINGS SEEM RLY BAD IN UR HEAD BUT LIKE IM TELLING U IS GONN ABE OKAYYYYYYYYYYYYY :) 

LOVE U GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

feel free to discord msg me btw ive been replying to them more consitently now! 

consistently! 

OH JEEZUS there is SO much i have to update you guys on...AND I’M SURE IF YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING MY SOCIAL MEDIA, SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED! 

FIRST THING’S FIRST! I MOVED!!!!!!

JAIME WHAAAT?!?!?! 

if you guys have been reading my past sub blog posts, you’ll know that i’ve been incredibly stressed and lost. this wasn’t because justfriends knew we were going to move apart from eachother, but it was because we were in the process of figuring out what was going to happen. now that everything is out to the public, i can finally tell you guys everything! 

i know a lot of you guys are curious to why justfriends decided to move apart. i haven’t explained my perspective on things on stream not because i want to hide it, but because i don’t want my POV to be blown out of proportion. but basically here were my primary reasons to justfriends falling apart: 

1. our individual brands and career! everybody in the house is different, but for leslie and i specifically i think we always felt a lingering desire to work on our individual brand. it was pretty draining not being able to focus on my community the past six months like i used to before, or to drive my creativity into my own youtube ideas rather than justfriends. anybody who followed me before knew that i always loved making creative yt videos such as animations and i stopped because i drove all that effort into JF instead. ofc i don’t regret it, but i don’t think i’m in a position in my career to be able to invest into a group entity over myself (and you guys especially) right now 

2. too many people in the house. if you guys didn’t know i am a prettty empathetic person, almost to a fault really. everybody i keep close to me, i want to be able to give my 100% effort to and really be the there for them. i was so used to having just a few friends to love and appreciate, but when i started living with 7+ people it just got a little too out of hand. everybody was stressed for different reasons, and everytime someone was stressed, i became stressed. instead of tending to my basic needs, i felt responsible for resolving people’s stress or at least wanted to always offer comfort. but i could never do this without neglecting other parts of my life, or even neglecting other people in my life. it felt like i was balancing 7 people, streaming, family, my community on a tightrope. 

3. the house being a complete mess... T___T celine had to go through a lot as house manager, with literal shit spewing out on our lawn, our broken AC costing thousands and thousands of dollars, our fridge breaking down every few days, and so much more. for other members this might not have been as big as a problem but for me it was because i LOVE using the kitchen. it’s honestly a big part of my life and constantly eating/ordering out and not being able to cook my own food would make me not eat food --> feel fatigue/nausea --> stay in bed thinking i’m sick or something when i just ended up never eating or drinking water. 

4. here’s a reason you haven’t heard yet from anybody else, i think! we all had such different...visions? for some people in the house like celine, the house’s goal was to co-exist with friends, to be as close as possible, to have fun, to live in the comfort of eachother’s company, and just in general to be happy and grow together at different paces. whereas for others, the vision for JF was to succeed together as a group entity, more like a functioning business. there’s nothing wrong with neither of these, they’re just completely different and this is where our meetings would go on and on for. if you guys watched aidan’s stream a few days ago regarding his perspective on why the house didn’t work out, it’s true that our house lacked a lot of structure. but to some people the structure wasn’t something they thought was mandatory going into the house, whereas to others it was a no-duh for sure given. as for me, i just wanted everyone to be happy TBH and i adapted to anything that the group wanted to do. 

5. losing my independency -- living in a house with so many people, all i ever heard in my mind were the thoughts of everybody around me. i felt like i lost my own opinions, my own goals, my original reason for moving to california. being the youngest in justfriends, i’d be lying if i said there weren’t times where i felt like people treated me like a child, or spoke to me in a condescending way. and i don’t say that with resentment to anybody in the house! everyone wanted thet best for me and never meant to hurt me. understandably, i had a lot to learn, and holy crap did i learn a lot! but i really miss that old independent new york jaime and i really think living alone will bring that back. 

PHEW! OH MY GOD! THERE’S SO MUCH! and i wrote all of it!

and actually after writing all of that i think it leads me a bit more comfortable to talk about it on stream. i’m always just so conscious about how i word things LOL

as for the aidan thing: 

a lot of what aidan said was true. our house was a mess, we lacked a lot of structure, and we lacked a lot of communication. but every single person had different reasons for wanting to separate, as you guys can see my reasons are completely different and are more from a personal standpoint. 

i’m going to be honest, throughout the six months i always felt like aidan and celine were underappreciated, which is why i put a lot of my heart looking out for them because they always did the same for me. i remember crying when aidan moved to the backhouse and i felt even more distraught when he moved and only a month later we decided not to renew the lease. i do wish aidan came to me or edison first about how he felt instead of to the public. edison and i did really try our best to reach out to him whenever he could, but it’s because aidan always 100% did the same and was ALWAYS there for me whenever i needed it. 

it just put the other members in a really rough spot, because well, that stream made everybody else look like the bad guy when realistically, EVERYONE was the bad guy. everyone hurt eachother at one point and nobody was perfect. nobody was a saving grace or hero, NOBODY. in areas that i thought i was a saving grace emotionally for people, i was affecting someone else negatively with my lack of structure or some shit idk. LOL tl;ldr everybody sacrificed so much, everybody (some more than others) felt a lack of appreciation, and it was just this unhealthy circle of negative feedback. 

BUT we are all still such good friends. the fact that we went through all of this together, we feel so so so much stronger. sean, celine, kimi, leslie, edison, albert, aidan, at least for me, nobody feels further away from me. we went through so much shit together that i feel so much closer to everyone. 

OKAY BUT ONE THING I WANT TO DEFEND MYSELF FOR: i was definitely one of the cleanest in JF... i feel like i was unfairly marked as messy! i spent so much time cleaning compared to everybody else that i felt went underappreciated which is fine but that’s why i was so distraught when ppl said i was messy on stream. i wasn’t perfect but always fixed my mistakes once i realized it. ALSO WHOEVER SAID I LEAVE WATER BOTTLES EVERYWHERE.... I HAVE A HYDROFLASK??? STREAM, HAVE U EVER SEEN ME DRINK WATER FROM ANYTHING BUT MY HYDROFLASK??? HOW CAN I LEAVE WATER BOTTLES EVERYWHERE WHEN I DRINK FROM MY HYDROFLASK??? i really think i was pinned unfairly for cleanliness D:< hmph!!!! it actually shocked me ... this is just me being salty though HEHE i still love all my rooommates

WELL... FAST FORWARD... now you guys understand why i wasn’t streaming a lot T___T i toured over 25+ places to find the perfect apartment. i finally found one that i absolutely love but it was definitely out of my price range. i decided to go for it though because no regrets ^___^ i will definitely be doing a lil house tour video once i finish furnishing and decorating it <3 

here are some lil pictures so far! 

my new bedsheets that johnathan got me off my wishlist :’D thanks johnathan u da best 

all my round 1 plushies ^_^

also i’ve been sick (as i’m typing this) but i made some congee and feel a little better ^_^ gonna take the rest of the day to relax! 

OH! here’s my recipe for it: 

1. rinse rice (3/4 cup) 

2. put chicken broth + some water in rice cooker (...7-10 cups?) 

3. let that cook for a little bit 

4. take minced pork, mix it with soy sauce, sugar, salt, sesame oil, furikake, lots of green onions, white pepper (i just eye it) 

5. make lil balls out of it and then place it in the rice cooker with the rice/chicken broth that’s already kinda cooking

6. let it cook! i put my rice cooker in porridge mode

oh man i’m tired guys... from typing... HAHAHA... i might make these more frequent but shorter. i really appreciate you guys! despite all the drama lately it always feels like my community is drama-free. i love you guys and really am going to work hard to make more fun content! YAYYY! AND I HAVE MY OWN KITCHEN NOW SO MORE MUKBANG AND COOKING STREAMS! YAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

i love you guuuuuys <3333333333 also i cleared all my discord messages - am going to start reading them consistently now! 

HELLO ALL MY NEW SUBS, ALL MY OLD LOYAL SUBS, HELLO HELLO! i am currently sitting on my bed typing this, and i hope you guys are sitting somewhere comfortable too! i have a lot to say in today’s journal entry ^__^!! hope you guys are ready!! 

i’ve been pretty lost and confused in life lately...i just feel like i’m not going the right direction with what i want to do, and there’s a lot of behind the scenes happening in the justfriends house that i’m not allowed to talk about just yet but i think within the next few months a lot of changes are going to be made. one thing i never lost vision of was my own vision for myself back in NY when i was a part-time streamer and more isolated. i think always being alone just gave me so much time to think about myself, and because of that i always kind of new which direction i was taking my individual self in. 

5 months ago i moved into this house with 7+ people, and holy cow i feel like i not only changed so much as a person on the inside but i discovered so much about myself that i had no idea existed. i realized that i am extremely empathetic to the point where it damages me sometimes and it got so stressful when i couldn’t focus on everybody in the house. my surroundings mean a lot to me and everyday it seemed like i had something or somebody on my mind. don’t get me wrong, i love every single person in this house SO much, but that’s why i didn’t realize myself becoming emotionally drained trying to take care of everyone. also i’m sorry i’m being so vague, it’s so hard because i can’t really speak for everybody in the house! 

the past few weeks i’ve realized a lot though and have done a ton of self-reflection. at the end of the day, i moved out here to follow my dreams and to find success, friendships, and happiness! any of my long-term subs know that success to me isn’t measured in monetary value. success to me is being able to express myself creatively, to create content that makes people happy, and being able to sustain myself while doing that. i was a huge advocate of individualism before i moved here and i caught myself going down the cookie cutter route: taking sponsorships that my other peers took, focusing on streaming more hours rather than letting my mind get lost in ideas for youtube, things like that that really made me feel like i lost myself. BUT I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY INDIVIDUALISM! ^___^ AND I WILL! 

despite all the jailbait memes, i think a lot of people do forget that i’m 20 years old...being in this house (everybody is significantly older than me) made me realize how much of myself i haven’t discovered yet. i’m just starting to find hobbies that i am growing passionate about, and i find myself being more curious than EVER. moving to california opened my mind and options, and a lot of times i want to turn off the internet and walk outside somewhere random and talk to strangers and learn about their life. other days i stay at home and i want to grind work and streaming. and other days i just want to CREATE...whether it’s my old animations or my new hobby that i’ve been working on, i just want to make things! i really think i’m the most spontaneous person ever...usually people are passionate about one of these things but i am seriously passionate about everything...ANYWAY, i think the key is....

HAHAHAHAHA this picture made me laugh so hard actually. anyway yeah, balance is THE KEY! i want to create, i want to have fun, i want to build friendships, i want to love people, i want to meet people, i want to go out and explore, i want success, i WANTT EVERYTYTHTING!!!! AND I’M GONNA GET ITT!!! with time, patience, and balance :) 

sorry if this was overwhelming for you guys: i just wanted to let you guys know that the days i’m not streaming, i am still working on myself. growing myself, discovering myself, and having fun. the last thing i want to do is live my life with regrets, and i am so fucking lucky to have you guys by my side while i figure this all out <3 seriously, you guys keep me from going insane and really are my saving grace in life! 

OK! NOW FOR SOME LIGHTHEARTED SHIT! 

I STARTED MEAL PREPPING! lowkey it was kind of expensive at first, probably because i had to buy tupperware and shit. BUT i’m definitely saving a lot of money and a lot of time. since streaming is such a fast-paced job, i’m OK with being bored with my food for lunch, but maybe for you guys it’s different. i remember after a long day of a 9-5 job or a long day of class, i would want to reward myself with some bomb ass food. but i think meal prep is amazing for lunch :D! 

RECIPES I DID (i kept it super simple also forgot to take pics) 

- salmon lettuce wraps with radish + gochujang sauce 

- grilled shrimp with cauliflower, broccoli, and roasted potatoes 

that’s pretty much it but for lunch it was nice, easy and awesome! i highly suggest trying it out :) for breakfast i just eat oatmeal + strawberries + bananas or toast + peanut butter + strawberries~ 

benji has been super super healthy! i love him so much D: i’m convinced that anything i declare is under my care, i will love forever and put all my effort into loving whatever it is ;~; 

if you guys didn’t watch my stream with leslie where we went out in public in our shark costumes, PLEASE GO WATCH IT! it was definitely one of my most favorite streams ever...

also i’ve been working on a merch design and this is what i have so far! i was gonna put ‘‘nom’‘ handwritten on the bottotm~ THIS IS A SKETCH AND NOT FULLY COLORED YET! 

idk if it’s something people would actually wear so let me know... i can work on something more cool and streetwear-like for casual wear if you guys prefer that ^_^ 

MY AMAZING DISCOVERY OF TWO FRUIT BY THE FOOT IN ONE PACKAGE

side note my eczema has been painfully awful... it burns, bleeds and is super gross. this is a small patch on my arm but i have this like x5 all over my neck and it makes it so hard to sleep T_T i booked an appointment this wednesday at the dermatologist but i’m bracing myself because i don’t have health insurance and i’m sure it’s going to be pricey in central LA LOL BUT it is my skin and i am working on treating my body better! i really hope i can get a cream to heal it...

ALSO! I AM LOOKING FOR EDITORS! someone who watches my stream consistently and knows my sense of humor etc >_< someone who is good at clipping good moments of the stream... i like fast paced editing with lots of cutst. LOTS OF CUTS. i like short, 5 minute videos for short-attention span audiences!!!! email me your portfolio [email protected] if you’re interested :) like an example video or something 

ANYWAYS i am really tired also my T key is broken on my macbook. i’ve been backspacing and correcting it but OK i’m going to type without fixing it right....now...this is an example of how my t key is! it gets super delayed and sometimtes itll repeat itself and it tjust tlook s reall troll OAIWEJRIO;AJWNER;VAIWNER;IANVWEIS;OJRNAOVW;LESNAOWSZELFK I NEED TO FIX IT T

I LOVE YOU GUYS 

YOU GUYS 

ARE HTE WORLD TOT ME 

I LOVE YOU 

<3 

BYEBYE

wazzzap <3 it’s a me! i just got my hair done...GUESS WHAT I WENT BLONDE!

LOL jk i didn’t go blonde..this was my hair before they dyed it pink... i actually would have been down to do a blonde with strawberry highlights but that’s way too hard to maintain :| you guys will see my hair next stream (tomorrow)! it’s not a huge deal...it’s a super bright pink but it’ll fade out to what it usually is. i really want to go light pastel blue for winter though :) HEHEHE!!

anyways, GUYS, THIS MONTH I’M GOING TO STREAM 80 HOURS! i don’t think i’ve ever reached 80 hours before... i know it sounds like such a small number but i’ve actually never reached 80 hours before so any of my OG subs knows how much that is LOL. i’ve gone so far from streaming 5 hours a week when i had full-time school to trying to stream 20!! i’m excited... HOHOHOHO!! i feel like it should be easy though.. last month i reached like 70 effortlessly. if i reach 80 i’ll do 105 next month <3

LESLIE CAME BACK FROM HAWAII!! the house was super quiet (at least on my end without her) and she came back with lots of snacks! 

well there was a pile until edison grabbed a lot of them and hid them away.. but it’s fine. that’s why i respect edison. because i would do the same

before she came back we tried to prank her and put balloons under her blanket to make it look like somebody was sleeping there. it was kimi’s idea. not mine. i swear i’m not that lame. LMFAO BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY IN THE MOMENT. jason/wildturtle came over and helped us prank her...it wasn’t much of a prank to be honest...

i found this really neat thing on the internet, and it’s a chart called “ikigai”! it’s really interesting, it basically represents our core values and goals and what it might lead to...growing up in a strict family with lots of shoes to fill, i was expected to focus on getting my education and making stable money as soon as possible. i never had room ever growing up in new york to ‘’follow my dreams’’ or ‘’take risks’’ as if it was not even a choice. but when i reached the years of high school i realized how different i wanted to be, how my interest were different from anybody else’s, or how my passion was just not where the stable, conventional path was. don’t get me wrong, i don’t think there’s anything wrong with the conventional path - i was even excited to go to university and just get a 9-5 job as a computer engineer or something and live life peacefully! and maybe i’ll do that in the future! but for me, it felt SO liberating making my own choices without any validation from anybody else except for my own passion and desire. AND THAT’S WHAT IS IMPORTANT! 

and for anybody who is looking at this chart, and feeling a bit of anxiety or worry or emptiness, don’t worry - most people feel that way! i’d say the majority of people feel that way! i would say most of us are not happy with where we are in life right now, and it’s because humans are always trying to improve, or reach for something more. it’s a bit bittersweet, but i think knowing that can help us stay encouraged and prepared to face the future! WITH EXCITEMENT!

a year ago i told myself, wow, if i ever reached 400 viewers or 500+ subs...i’ve made it. and now i catch myself not being proud of what i have, not appreciating my growth as a person, not letting myself feel negative emotions because they’re not “productive”.. but the truth of the matter is, we need to take a break and say thank you to ourselves, be proud of ourselves, and even we haven’t reached the objective goals we set for ourselves in our life, we should be happy that we made progress! LIFE IS HARD! i’m proud of you guys :) believe in the me that believes in you.

CELINE DREW THIS FOR ME! i love it so much T____T you guys don’t see this version of me very often, but 90% of the time around the house i’m in an oversized strawberry pajama shirt with my hair tied up...LMFAO...i’m actually so bummy off stream. it’s true that i’m a bit ratchet off stream too. LOOOOOOOOOL sigh idk that’s just me :) 

anyways i know this entry was really short, but hey i just wanted to say i love you guys, as always..i say that way too much..but really if you’re reading this, it means the absolute world to me. not to be depressing but 3 years ago before i started streaming, i felt like nobody ever listened to my words. i felt super alone, i felt like nobody understood me, and i felt like i was just so different to the point where i didn’t deserve to be heard. i felt isolated, trapped, and just very, very, very alone. I’M NOT SAYING THIS FOR PITY THOUGH, I’M SAYING THIS BECAUSE if anybody here is feeling that way, i promise you there is so much in the world waiting for you, you just have to get out there and give yourself encouragement and discover it! if i just gave up, i wouldn’t have started streaming, i wouldn’t have tried to put on makeup, i wouldn’t have tried to get myself out there and become friends with leslie & kimi. so the fact that you guys listen to me and on top of that listen to me so well, sigh it means so much and i hope i can give you guys that feeling too. most times i just want people to be heard! 

 HI EVERYBODY! i am back again! guys, i’ve been through some shit this week. i can’t really talk about it right now but hopefully i can explain why a few weeks from now. it’s just one of those situations where you feel sick to your stomach, your chest tightens because of all the anxiety, and you can’t sleep because your mind is spiraling at night trying to desperately find a solution to something that just takes time to figure out...

OKAY SORRY, went a little monkaS there, but i’m perfectly fine now and i’ve figured out what i need to do! things happen in life sometimes and we just have to try our best to adapt with it. i honestly feel very mentally stable until i don’t know the answer to something, but after some thought and alone time i realized what i need to do and have a lot more closure with myself! 

anywho, streams have been insanely crazy -- with all this mass gifting subs feature, streams have been so crazy, wait, did i say that already? yes i did...it’s actually pretty insane how many subs there are now in my community and i can’t believe it! i really hope that my old subs don’t feel diluted, though! sub anime nights are still a thing (i missed the last one because i was sick) and i will try to keep putting in an active effort to be in the discord and help facilitate things. that being said, anybody who puts in an effort to talk in the discord and help create a safe and fun environment: I LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU! 

it’s a little bit scary having so many more subs come in, but it’s also exciting, right guys?! i don’t know.. don’t be shy, talk to eachother, get out of your comfort zone but PLEASE be respectful and considerate of others, and i bet so many awesome friendships can be made!! IT MAKES ME SO EXCITED!! please message any of my mods (i know bradley, smilesofdarkness, is very on top of my discord shit) with any suggestions of categories you want, or concerns you have. i would be really sad if anybody left or didn’t feel welcome because of the discord environment, so i really want to put in effort to make sure this doesn’t happen! 

OKAY, ANYWAY, NOW THAT I FINISHED TALKING ABOUT ALL THE BORING TECHNICAL STUFF, HERE’S SOME FUN STUFF! 

we went to play board games at offlinetv, and edison & leslie got into a small fight... i was in the middle and really confused and lost and fed took a picture of me in the middle of it LOOOOOOOOOL I LOOK SO MONKAS

hahahahhahahahhahahahhahahaah

also fed & i was facetiming. i caught him hanging up an attack on titans poster which solidified the fed weeb meme.. 

LMFAOOOOO ‘’WTF DON’T SCREENSHOT IT’’ 

here’s an old picture but look at my pancake making skills

also here’s a note that yvonne left on my computer when i came back home.... it made me very happy :’) <3 

just little things like this can really make a person feel appreciated! no matter who it is in your life, initiate some appreciation! it just makes me feel so good when i give out appreciation and i receive it!!!! 

I WATCHED CRAZY RICH ASIANS AND IT IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT ASIAN OR CRAZY OR RICH, WATCH IT!! it’s super enjoyable as a movie, funny, family-oriented, romantic, ahhh it’s everything i love in a movie. growing up i never felt represented properly by the media for being asian-american, but for the first time in my life i felt like i could relate to a movie so strongly when it came to culture! it’s also based in singapore, (if you guys didn’t know singapore used to be a part of malaysia, where i’m from, so they’re quite similar) and it just reminded me SO much of home. even the bad english in the movie is just something that was so nostalgic and felt like home to me. i love love love the movie so much! it’s a very fun movie to watch nonetheless so i really recommend it :) 

here was my lunch yesterday.. i took some time to go out alone and brainstorm some ideas in my notebook. it’s super refreshing going out alone and just listening to your favorite playlist and people-watching! i think it’s so fun and interesting...i guess being in my room or in a community filled with content creators make me forget about the rest of the world. i saw a lot of couples, families, college students, and i was just like wooooaaaah.....okay sorry i’m tangenting again LOL. anyway it was really nice and before i moved to california, i used to always go out alone and even ate at restaurants alone. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with it so if you’re ever craving some food but don’t have any friends to go with, just go alone! bring a book, or watch anime on your phone... it’s really enjoyable and i think extroverted or introverted, walking in nature or the natural environment of life can be very refreshing! :D 

JOHNATHAN GOT ME THIS OFF MY WISHLIST! AND HOLY FUCK I HAD THE BEST SLEEP BECAUSE THE LIGHT DIDN’T WAKE ME UP!!!!!!! it’s amazing...

okay this was a really boring update... hm... i’m writing this right now in our lazy lounge in the house. celine is playing project dva on ps4 and kimi and yvonne are taking selfies. 

okay guys, i’m off now! i love you guys! SO MUCHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!! I JUIST WANT EVERYONE TO BE LOVED!!!!!!! I ;LVOE YOU GUYS !!! 

picture of me and baemax ^_^ <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

also my new favorite face is 88v88 , it loosk like a spider 

from me to u guys <3