My whole life I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve attempted to take my own life. I’m 23 years old now and I’ve been suicidal since I was 9. There’s days where my depression gets to me, and there’s days when it doesn’t get to me. Hell, I even have days I use it for my photographic themes. 10 months ago, I hit rock bottom. I attempted to kill myself about 60 times during my fall semester of my 5th year at college. 6 months ago, I relapsed on meth and coke. 4 months ago, I thought I fell in love. Each moment within this past year has stripped me down and what felt like destroyed me. But here I am, still alive and chugging along. I’ve come to accept that my entire life will be filled with these mental struggles and demons, but they don’t define me. If anything, they help build who I am. They make me stronger. I’ve finally come to accept that. You know, every now and again I get the intrusive thoughts and provocations to attempt to take my own life. And then I have those days where I flip it and utilize the thoughts. 6 months ago, I didn’t plan on using meth and coke again. Quite honestly I went against my better judgment and went to a party, which I practically never do. Ended up being drugged. Thankfully I had friends to help me out after the fact. It’s almost July and I’m happy to say that I’m almost 7 months clean since relapsing. When I fell in love 4 months ago, I thought I found the “one”. But she ended up breaking my heart almost 2 months into the relationship. It crushed me quite honestly. I was so dumbfounded when she broke up with me because I was so happy being with this girl. I just couldn’t say the things I wanted to say to stay together with her. I beat myself up mentally. Hardcore. But I finally came around to realizing that there are other women out there. Yes I loved this woman with all my heart, but it just wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t in the cards if you will. I still wish her the best of luck in life and all her pursuits and hope that someday we can come to being friends again, but for now, we both need what’s best for ourselves. I understood where she was coming from when she broke up with me, but I don’t think I fully understood myself when she broke up with me. I’ve finally come to the realization that despite all these things that have happened to me, they’re learning experiences. They help me grow stronger. I’ve finally come to find my peace of mind knowing that all things get better over time.
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