This is Iggy's blog spot

Yes. You read that right.

For a depressed person, additional cause of stress and problems will most likely pull the person down. This is much applicable to depressed people with big responsibilities in the family or in the business. May it be debt or negative cashflow problems, undoubtly, financial problem can drive a person mad. The idea of you already having so much emotional chaos then adding financial responsibilities. It's going to be a huge wreck. It's like being pressured on both sides and you can't say anything. It is harder for people who have a hard time expressing themselves regarding the problems they are going through.

Had an ultimate emotional break down yesterday. I felt like a time bomb waiting to explode. I pitied myself so much. I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. I could feel my heart literally aching. It came to a point that having such pain, I just wanted to die.

Anxiety is still there. Once in a while, it comes up. I guess, I really need a new environment. Probably, a new job with a new location. Do something new. I don't exactly know. But it's still the usual once in a while ultimate worry. I try to think of just letting go and letting God. But sometimes, I can't help it. At times, I'd also think that worrying won't help. But then again, I can't help it.

Anxiety or depression is still here. Still won't go away. Forgot to how to pray but am now trying to pray. Reliving how my faith has been. I am not sure whether something is happening. But at least, I'm trying.

I'm trying to do something. To keep my head off all worries I am having. But once in a while, I still get it. I try to have some conversation or even chat with friends, still hoping I'd get better. The worry is still there. At least, I'm trying.

Not much going on in the office. Nothing exciting. Nothing to look forward to. No highlight or lowlight. Still keeping up with work. But at least, I haven't got any emotional break down for the past 3 days unlike before.

Financial isn't going so well either. I try to earn money on the side to add some for my expenses. But I'm not sure if it's helping. I try to look for other jobs. Apply. But I don't know if anything is happening. I tried.

I am trying to keep myself busy. Do what I can on my current problems. I do not know if there is any improvement. I just feel like nothing is happening despite my efforts. It's as if I'm not attaining anything. So many emotions happening. Desperation trying to settle in. I am trying to relive hope but I don't feel any positivity happening.

The depression mode is apparently on again recently. Though the feeling before was more intense, right now, I really don't want to go back to that feeling again. But I guess, it can't be helped.

I usually do the daily routine. Wake up, help in the doggie chores, prepare for work, go to work, work, go home, do some extra income activities and go to bed. If I had the choice, I would like to stay put and do nothing. But adulting strikes and that bills needed to be paid. I haven't gotten back to empty feeling despite doing somethings I know that should make me happy. But I think, I'm getting there again. My head says, sh*t we don't want to go back there but it's as if I'm heading there again. I'm starting to feel sad again for everything. There was an event for the day that I know I should be happy. But I didn't feel happy at all. Though I smile and make some jokes, after a few moment, I go back to that sad moment again.

I actually don't know if it's anxiety or whatever but it's as if I'm riding something looks like I know where I'm going even if I don't like to go there. I don't want to go back to that feeling anymore but from the looks of it, I'm headed that way. I usually feel sad recently. I feel sad for no reason at all. And eventually, at times, I pity myself for being sad. I feel sorry for being unable to do anything about it.

Just now, I watched an episode from Undercover Asia - Honor killing. Basically, it involves the life and death of Qandeel, a Pakistani social media star. She is quite liberal and does not adhere to the traditional muslim. Though her actions are acceptable in Western culture, it is a disgrace for them. This disgrace made her brother strangle her to death. In this documentary, it made me shocked to know that honor killing such as this is accepted in their country. Also, there is also a part in the documentary wherein a rape is administered by the village council in the family's honor.

This documentary made me realize many items. First, I envisioned Pakistan as a very poor country since what I usually see in the media is that they have wars and disorganized country. But here, I see another side of their country. It looks like India too. It's developed but still maintains rural locations. The rural is still liveable.

Second, honor killing is accepted and that if the offended party pardons the killer, the killer goes free. I see it somehow similar to the middle eastern countries wherein the family accepts blood money and in return, will pardon the killer. I think it promotes open killing and can possibly be a scapegoat in killing another person. You can say that you killed due to honor but what if it doesn't weigh enough to merit death? Or just say out of honor even if it's not? Yes, it is their culture and tradition, but it's a vague position to state honor. I think, Japan's harakiri is much acceptable because it is the person who think that he/she has done dishonorable act. But in this case, a family member is the one who judges if the act is a dishonorable one. Identifying if the act is dishonorable is subjective.

Third, I admire her parents for loving her as a person. They stood for justice even if it would mean that they can also lose their son. Her parents saw her a child. That despite her 'dishonorable' acts, they still accepted her. In most families that has a tight culture, it is a no-no. They'd rather uphold the tradition than their children. With this, I salute her parents.

There’s so much I wanted to share but for now, I will just be sharing today’s insight. My dog is not feeling well. He’s not eating as expected. I had to drop him off to the vet this morning to have him confined. This afternoon, I am not sure whether I am having some anxiety attack or what. Still at the office, that sudden feel of sadness (if it’s only sadness) came upon me. Every negative thought I could think of came out of no where. I then found myself back to the same feeling wherein I could say I was depressed. I didn’t want to go to the doctor and have myself diagnosed for some reasons. First, I really didn’t want extra expenses. Second, I am trying to fix myself. With all these negative thoughts going around my head, from what could happen to my dog to all the pain I’m feeling. I then found myself, unable to stop my tears from falling. I had to go to the comfort room and pretend to take a leak. At a cubicle, I took a leak and had a discreet cry. It took me sometime in the cubicle. I am afraid someone might see me. I am afraid that they might know what I’m going through. With such pain inside, I then could understand people who killed themselves. It was a better alternative that a single pain rather than feeling that intense pain inside everyday of your life. Some say, it’s easier to die than living. It’s true. Especially for someone going depression. At times, I’m afraid to die, but when I felt that pain a while ago, I could say, it’s okay. There’s a lot of emotions going through. It’s not only the pain. It’s also the acceptance.  

Die Beautiful is a movie that presents LGBT struggles today in the Philippines. For a typical Filipino, any movie that has gay characters would instantly tag it as a funny movie. But this is not your typical movie.

A short summary of the movie for those who haven’t watched. The story revolves around Trisha and her different roles, as a son, as a friend and as a mother. The story revolves on her different roles on her death when she requested her friend, Barbs to do her a favor on her wake: to dress and make up daily with a different character. Barbs does this favor with conflict since Trisha’s family wants him to return to his original form. On each day of the wake, Barbs changes Trisha and the movie presents Trisha on different roles of her life.

Not much of a detail on Trisha’s daily change. Yes. It is for the reader or the interested to appreciate it through actual watching of the movie. Also, if further story detail is needed, you can check Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Beautiful

In the movie, the common struggles of the LGBT is the acceptance of their family. Usually, the family is the first group of people we tend to lean on in times of trouble and concerns, but there are times that the family is the one rejecting due to a member’s sexual preference. Another struggle identified is looking for someone to love and be accepted as who she is. At times, they are fooled by their lovers for their money making them hard to look for love. Society has a hard time accepting the LGBT because they are different. They are not part of the norm but regardless, they are still human that feel and act the way like any other gender does. Basically, this is the struggle: acceptance.

Seklusyon is a Filipino horror movie directed by Erik Matti. The said movie bagged the following awards:

Best Director: Erik Matti, Seklusyon

Best Screenplay: Seklusyon

Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Phoebe Walker, Seklusyon

Best Cinematography: Seklusyon

Best Sound Design: Seklusyon

Best Production Design: Seklusyon

Honestly, I am not fond of horror movies since I do not want to be scared or even startled but since it was a movie recommended by a colleague, I decided to watch it.

Since I do not want to spoil those who haven’t watched the movie, I will just provide a short summary. The setting is on 1947 where deacons, before ordainment should undergo “seklusyon” or in English, seclusion. It is a process wherein the deacons reflects and demons tempt the deacon to give up priesthood. It is said to be the most vulnerable moment of priesthood. A miraculous girl named Anghela was sent to the convent to be protected. Unexplained events then occur upon her arrival.

The movie itself has deeper meaning. Each deacon represents a common weakness as a human. Anghela represents the easy way out that we as humans opt to choose, not considering if it is right or wrong. As humans, we are easily deceived by what is convenient to us. 

It is scary. The setting is creepy as well. But in general, it has a message and is indeed a good film. I highly recommend to watch it.