My dearest Brodie Bushert;

You were not supposed to leave the 4 of us, why did you get taken from us and this earth so easily? We were supposed to have a 10 year anniversary and re-take this picture at this park. Words cannot even describe how heart broken I am about you not being here anymore. You are missed so fucking much.

Bullshit people, bullshit excuses and bullshit situations. They all have the same thing in common (other than being bullshit) and that is it takes over the correct thoughts that go through our minds. It literally takes over our brains to think that lies are true and that (most) people are faithful. 

I’ve had it and I’m done with it. I have done everything in my power to stay away and it follows my every move every damn day. People are pathetic, whether you’re being the bullshitter, or believing it.

While I know these aren’t the most attractive pictures of myself, I am posting them because this is me in my entirety of pure joy and happiness. I had never had a better time in my life with such amazing human beings. Not only did I find new friends and faces, I found clarity in myself as well. I found that sometimes all you need is to let loose and be yourself. I am a better person when I am being my careless and goofy self, and you can clearly see this is true by the expression on my face.

I am sharing this pic as this is the start of something new and exciting in my life. I am in the process of building and growing my sleeve of artwork along with the growth of myself. As the year 2018 goes by, I am hoping to see a difference in the way I have been living, experiencing and learning. This tattoo is a resemblance of myself and it’s only the start, and I am soooo excited to look back and see how much this tattoo and myself have grown together.

After a tough relationship and break-up in the fall, I thought it would be a great time to start changing some things and do something new and exciting. My thoughts were running wild around the middle of October and I broke down and said to myself “enough is enough, I am doing this for myself” and booked a consultation with a very talented tattoo artist in my city. I went to his studio and gave him my ideas as well as booked my appointment for the 6th of January in the new year. I was so nervous but yet so excited. I was only nervous because I was having trouble getting a clear idea of my design, this was something that is going to be on my body for the rest of my life and when I look back at it in the future I want it to remind myself about how much I have grown as a person. It’s kind of silly I know to have such an idea but in a way it helps me see things in a different perspective. I felt rushed to decide what would be best for this piece, I went back and forth many times with different flowers, poses and even debating on colors. I wanted it to be perfect, dainty and very beautiful. This was my first big piece of work that I was designing myself and I wanted to be proud of what I had come up with. The months went by and it was now close to Christmas and I had my idea set in stone. I sent my pics of ideas to my artist and he confirmed they were perfect to go by, now all I had to do was get through the rest of 2017 and wait for the day.

January 6th, 2018: I woke up a lot earlier than I intended. The excitement I had within myself was crazy! Not even a drop of fear was presented to my expression, I was just beyond excited. I knew I had something good coming my way. All I wanted to do was get in my car and drive to the studio to see what my artist came up with. I was basically going in blind and didn’t know what exactly he drew up but I had all faith in him. All I could think of was how dope his previous artwork was and couldn’t wait. I got to his studio right at my appointment time, he showed me the drawing and automatically fell in love with what he drew. I knew it would be good. He put the stencil on and I sat and waited for him to be done prepping for my sitting, he then waved to me and said “you can lay down now and we’ll get started!” A big goofy smile formed on my face and I lied down as per his instruction. Getting a tattoo is the weirdest feeling ever. Some spots are very tender, other spots were actually quite satisfying. I’ve never been the one to enjoy the feeling of pain but this was a different type of pain, one that both my skin and my heart can handle. All that went through my  head for the 2 and half hours of laying there was “you’ve been through so much in the last few months let alone the last few years, this is nothing beyond compared”. Switching positions and closing my eyes, I couldn’t wait to see the end results. My sister showed up to pick me up around the last 10 mins of work, she asked him “how much longer does she have?” he replied back with she’s actually almost done. The excitement stirred inside of my body. He told me to slowly get up and take a look in the mirror. I got up and walked to the mirror on my right, as I walked I didn’t look at it right away. I started by looking at my feet all the way up to my arm and there it was. My beautiful creation I had made. I looked at him and said “SHE IS BEAUTIFUL” with a large smile on my face, then started cracking jokes saying how I feel badass with this new piece and how dope it was. I was literally in shock as to how much I loved it. I thanked him and told him I would be back for more from him. He was easily one of my favorite artists I had been following on social media so without a doubt I will continue to go to him for more art.

Though I know it is a very simple piece, I am so proud and happy to say that I made this happen. I did something for myself that made me happy and more confident. I am also so proud to say that when I look back at this tattoo I will remember that even the broken can grow and life will go on as long as you continue to let it grow itself (note the flowers in her hair resemble self growth). As I continue this fucked up journey we all call life, I will always remember that LIFE GOES ON and we live and we learn.

<3 

I don’t know why people even try and date in this generation.. all there is in this world is a bunch of pansies that don’t know how to stay faithful or keep their shit straight.

Lately, I have been so ashamed to be a 90′s baby. All we know is to love and then leave them like it won’t effect the person on the other side of things. I recently had my heart broken by someone who told me they would never screw me over like I had been in the past, but it was all fucking games. I poured my heart and soul into this person and got absolutely nothing back. Yes - it was my mistake for staying and for hoping that things would change, but it was his fault for stringing me along like a fucking puppet making me look like a fool and worst of all leaving me with such ache in my body. I literally cried for weeks when he said it was over. The fact that I wasn’t good enough for one person to stay and to try and work things out breaks my fucking heart over and over again. Just thinking about it puts me in agony. 

We’re all fucking stupid when it comes to relationships. I use to be a big believer in “Love makes you do stupid things.” now I only go by “Love makes you stupid. Period”.

You left because you were thinking about the future,

I held on because I was thinking about the past.

Love needs present feelings to last,

and darling our past and future plans crashed and burned.