Life Made Other Plans

I find myself in an interesting position. I know what brings me joy- what kind of life I aspire to create. My own definition of success, of a life well lived.

A simple life- well, as simple as life can be. Spending more time away from my laptop and phone. Actively focusing on living in the moment. Being part of a creative, loving, compassionate community. Traveling. Practicing kindness. Finding meaningful work allowing me to live in a cozy little home with a long term partner. 

And I want to fill this home with the people we love- hosting potlucks, game nights, evenings spent around a fire pit, and Sunday lunches with family and friends. A home that is always open and ready to receive guests. A place where people are coming together and connecting like we used to.

Can you tell I come from a large family?!

This is the legacy I want to leave behind. This is what fulfills me. Not money. Not a fancy house or closet full of designer clothes. But spending time and making memories with those I love. 

However, this idea is in conflict with the idea of success I grew up with. I’m still struggling to shed the old to fully embrace the new. Everywhere I look, I see it’s about the hustle. Sacrificing time for money. Working your ass off to create an extraordinary life.

There’s nothing wrong with being wealthy or wanting an extraordinary life. We all have different wants and needs-  it’s the beauty of the human condition. 

But what’s so wrong with wanting the quiet life where you enjoy laying in a hammock on a beautiful spring day? And why do we accept the belief you have to be rich to be extraordinary?! Frankly, some of the most interesting people I have met are just like you and me. 

Despite knowing this, even as I type, I feel I should be doing more. That I need to use this spare time and focus super intensely on learning more new skills/new apps that will help me find a job faster. That I should feel guilty because I’m not out there working like everyone else and I’m still not living in my own apartment. That there are so many things I could be doing for productivity’s sake...but I’m not.

After I finish letting my old ideas of success guilt trip me, along with all of the shoulds and coulds swirling around in my head, I remind myself how I’m not sitting around idly every day, all day. I want to work- I’m still applying for jobs. In fact, I think my cover letter game has been upped tremendously. My bills are being paid. I’m working on projects I enjoy. I’m taking daytrips to feed my soul while also exploring my home state.

I had a plan: do virtual assistance work after my layoff. 

Two weeks later after a coaching session on a Monday afternoon, I was back at square one. And more frustrated than I had been in months.

I was left asking myself, once again, what do I actually want? Deeeeeeeeeep down. Why am I doing all this to build a business? Is it going to fulfill me or leave me feeling the same sense of dread that my 9-5s did? What am I passionate about that I could do that doesn’t feel like work?

After an hour in the car, going over some of the things Peggy said in our session, and talking to one of my best friends, I had answers.

I have spent my life taking the easy route for one reason or another. It’s landed me here. But my limited beliefs about myself and ideas of what work is have played a role as well.

There’s a part of me that wants a simple life: Put in my hours. Come home. Spend weekends with friends and family. Maybe have a garden. Lounge in the hammock on warm spring days.

But if I am to be honest with myself, completely honest, I’d be content with the simple life for maybe a few days. I need more than that. I have avoided stepping into larger roles because I’ve doubted my abilities. I’ve never wanted to tackle major responsibilities for fear of failure. 

I’ve allowed myself to stay safe. 

However, there comes a point where you realize it’s time to become more than who you are, uncomfortable as it may be, or you can keep doing what you’ve been doing. While virtual assistant work may not be a passion, it’s something I feel I need to do. Because I want to see who I become in the process.

I want to grow into someone else. A better version of who I am now.

All I need to do is get out of my way.

The past month has been full of questions.

What do I want?

Where am I going?

How will I pull all of this off?

...can I pull this off?

-

I’ve thought about these quite a bit the past month and a half after my unexpected exit from my job was announced. While I certainly wasn’t happy there, as my friend, Jessica, said, “No one likes to get dumped”.

Let’s call it what it is- my life has pretty much imploded more so than I’ve let on. And at moments, I’ve been left grasping straws.

I allowed myself to fall into a routines. Ruts. Whatever you want to call them. I was comfortable. Although fully aware for about a year that I needed to make a drastic change, I was content to look down, not making the leap. Change was nice to think about, but frightening to implement.

I finally made the jump.

it doesn’t mean I haven’t gone back and forth on my decision. Or that I haven’t worried about my bills. Or what is going to happen.

But after weeks of worry and my anxiety creating 1,000 terrible scenarios- I’m relinquishing the idea I have some sort of control over things. I don’t.

At all.

I sat here this grey Sunday afternoon, having doubt yet again. Because that’s what I do (I’m working on it). However, I decided to ease my mind by going to Upwork to check out virtual assistance job postings.

As I kept scrolling down, this feeling of, “It’s going to be okay” washed over me. I was reminded that not only am I going to be able to have a much more flexible schedule, but be able to work on my own projects.

Like finishing my second chapbook ;)

The next year will be full of all kinds of changes. Whatever it brings, and however comes, it will work out in the end. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

I made myself a promise this would be my year. Okay, fine, I think that every year- I’ll get in the best shape of my life, find true love, move out of my father’s house, and be super successful, blahblahblahblahblah.

I mean it this time. 

If I don’t get the wheels moving now, I’ll stay in my comfort zone. I won’t travel and work all over the world from the safety of my laptop. I will be stuck in the 9-5:30 loop. Worst of all, I’ll have to keep shopping in the business casual section of department stores (translation: I won’t have the option of leggings, yoga pants, or no pants at all during my work week). 

It sounds pretty awful to me. While I appreciate where I’m at most of the time, I need more. I want to spend my one life exploring the world, not going through the motions/variations of the same day week after week, month after month, etc. There is too much spirit in this blood to resign myself to a basic life.

All of this being said, I’m happy to say I’ve signed up with a life coach. I realize I probably sound like I’ve gone fucking crazy. I assure you I haven’t felt more sane in my entire life, even in the midst of my current depressive episode. 

We had a consultation Wednesday. When it was over, I felt super pumped and ready to go for it- to make this copywriting thing happen (come on, I couldn’t have gotten a more blatant sign from the universe the day I talked to Lindsey). I firmly believe this one of my best, and more expensive (sorry, savings account), decisions.

I am prepared to do what I need to do to reach my goal. It’s already getting ugly- my subconscious has been kicking and screaming quite a bit these past few days, like Jen Sincero said it would in her books. But I remember what Peggy said to me: The Universe hasn’t let me down yet. I haven’t starved. I haven’t been homeless. 

I have become that person.

I’m looking into getting a life coach.

Can I afford it? Not really. Are the self help books I bought working? Yes and no.  Do they hold me accountable? Definitely not. 

So why am I getting a life coach? Because I’m tired of being 35, living with my father, and scraping from paycheck to paycheck. 

The good news is I am working through a program for copywriting with the help of a friend of mine. She currently makes $5000 a month, which is the exact amount I set as my first financial goal. You can’t tell me that wasn’t a loud and clear sign from the Universe. The sky might as well have been flickering like a neon sign in Las Vegas.

Okay, so great. I have a plan, right? If following the program and winging it from there is a plan, then yes, I DO have a plan. Only problem besides having super strong faith that everything will work out is my incredibly abundant, never ending supply of self doubt. 

This is where the life coach comes in. 

I have to stop letting doubt and fear get in the way of my dream of spending my days in yoga pants or leggings as I sip tea from my two bedroom apartment in the city. Or from someone else’s apartment I rented off of Air BNB. 

I am not living the life I want; therefore, I have to make it happen- no matter how crazy or ridiculous the methods. It’s uncomfortable and anxiety inducing, but the end result isn’t going to come easy.

I sit in the bathtub, warmed by hot water while the world is freezing outside. I had hoped to make a more thorough post full of pictures spanning this past year, but I moved everything to my new external hard drive and am not going to cut my bath short. The most important part of this post are the words, anyway.

This was the year where, for lack of a better term, I broke. Chris left and I’m grateful he did. I have lived more these past seven months than I did when he was still here. His loss led me to open my eyes, to begin my journey toward being the person I want to be.

I’ve lost 17lbs and kept it off. I started taking a silversmithing class (second round starting soon). I realized how strong I am and I can probably weather just about anything (not an open invitation, Universe). I went to see an opera, Rocky Horror live, and the Nutcracker. All three things on my bucket list. Ebra and I went back to the carousel in Independence. We watched Grace in her one act. Beth hopped on the Popilates train with me. Mom and I not only went to the Pioneer Woman’s shop/lodge, but up to Lindsborg where I met National Geographic photographer Jim Richardson. Before Katie moved, we spent an early morning in sunflower fields days after visiting Hays House in Council Grove. Bobert and I made a quick dash to Lawrence. Kristin took me to Hamburger Mary’s for a birthday drag show. Logan danced with me in an antique shop before we boarded a double decker bus on a fairly warm December day. Lou took me to Abilene for my birthday, where we explored Seely mansion and President Eisenhower’s childhood home. What a year!

In short, I leave 2017 full of gratitude for the love and people in my life. I used to think my life was lackluster, missing so many necessary components. Looking at it now, I’m able to see how extraordinary it truly is thanks to the people around me. Especially my family. They say it takes a village to raise a child but I believe it extends beyond childhood. We all need and rely on each other to get through this one way ride we call life. I could not be more thankful.

So what’s in store for 2018? Lots of self improvement. More gratitude. All the sprinkles and glitter. Bringing in more money so I can have the life I’ve always wanted (and move into that loft apartment I’ve dreamt about since I was 17). Making the sun shine out of my ass because I’m all about attracting abundance and universal love. Also, I’m hoping this next year involves me in a bikini somewhere warm. I’ll be sending a manuscript off by January 5th, so whether I win Button Poetry’s contest or not, I’ll have my second book out. I plan on trying brioche knitting. Becoming better known on IG (so I can sell alllllllll the books). I’m also aiming to be part of a Final Friday in Wichita andddd maybe I’ll consider doing a blackout poetry workshop. The world needs more poetry. It also needs more kindness. I want to spread some of that around, too.

Here’s the part where I say thank you to the lessons, the memories, and love from 2017. I hope I will be lucky enough to see another year around the sun ❤️ I’m open and ready for all the abundance and laughter 2018 has to offer.