Gay. Goblin. God.

lets have phone sex over walkie talkies

“bend over” “bend what? over”

I hate this place

sorry to everyone out there who thinks they have the funniest tshirt but i think i can confidently say i just saw the actual funniest tshirt just now. i passed by a beautiful black woman with long multicolor braids blowing majestically in the beach breeze & she was wearing an oversized tshirt that said in gigantic letters "WHITE BOY OF THE YEAR"

in law school, my mom took me to this stress retreat because my family was vaguely aware i was a suicide risk. and they didnt allow phones, so i brought this huge bag of books. and one of the options for "destressing" was this fake cave grotto thing, where they'd decorated a room to make it look exactly like an underground cave and the air was like -10 degrees, but there was a like 4ft deep pool in the middle that was kept super super hot, so you would just switch between the hot and cold. and they would bring you an endless supply of this weird syrupy drink thing that was like super caffeinated and tasted like sugar and mint. and so i spent multiple days sitting half submerged in this fake grotto drinking mystery liquid and reading. and i have to be honest i really did feel less stressed

cop pulls me over little does he know my drivers license is written in elf hieroglyphics & blinds anyone who reads it

i can't be the only person who hates being called neurospicy. it's such a weird term. i'm neurodivergent. i'm disabled. call me that.

stay vigilant. there are still people out there who will try to convince you that eating fruit is somehow bad for your body

*points at your girlfriend* you know that thing would summon you as a skeleton warrior if you died right?