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You probably felt me getting attached to you and backed away. In the nicest way possible I guess. All for the best :3

This way I can actually start to focus on stuff other than you, because you know. I don’t get attached easily, and you somehow, with your persistent and patient chatting warmed me up to you. It’s quite a crazy concept of how it happened. To me as well. To me mostly... 

I’m not one for easy heartbreaks, which is why I keep away from people mostly? I’m nice and a good friend, but my heart I store away. Maybe it’s the veil of anonymity of the internet that’s helped me talk to someone without a face, as if I’m talking directly to you without the burdens of other judgments (mostly :p). Or something like that. I’m not sure still.

Self-sabotage is something I really like to do, mostly because of the disillusions of perfection and the slow reaction to defeat. Add to that a good mixture of denial, empty pride and bottling things up. What’s more fun when you’re losing than to lose more spectacularly? 

You really inspired me to be better again, with the amazing self-regulation you apply to yourself, the confidence you have, and the energy with which you apply yourself to my cause. The belief you have in me makes me not want to let you down. 

Unfortunately, I have this problem of redirecting my focus when something pains me. And you’re such a good, constant source of distraction at this point that focusing on you is so easy. I’m going figure out and tame this self-sabotaging addiction of mine (in general), by recognizing it when it happens, and making one small step immediately each time to break free from stagnation and endless pits. 

I want to be able to keep this unexpected friendship to be positive and gain momentum on it to improve myself and improve your day and maybe you as well. For that, the first step is to realize I shouldn’t use my current feelings as a crutch stick, or scapegoat, for (de)pressing issues. I will put you away during my daily tasks, which are so important to me right now. I will limit the time that I’ll be speaking to you in the evenings because I need to keep this positive cycle rolling.

Dec. 6. 2016

Here I am, sitting at my desk at 3am in the morning, trying to study for my controls exam, and you are sitting (falling asleep?) quietly on the other end of my continuous transmission TSpeak. Honestly, I can’t even focus when you’re quiet. :)

All I’m thinking about is at what point do I ask you why you think I’m sitting here at the other end of TSpeak at 3am in the morning on continuous transmission. At the very least I don’t want you to be naive and believe that I’m being responsible and normal. Because normal 4th year students, 6 years older than you, wouldn’t be doing this, so a good explanation better be available upon request, and I’m trying to come up with one. I wonder if you’ve thought about it (you must have right) and what you’ve wrote it off as.

Let’s just write it off as me being kind of dumb and lonely and that I just enjoy your almost? non-judgemental company. I actually feel quite nice and peaceful knowing you’re still on (or maybe it’s just that I’m so goddarn tired :P). And that I know you need at least a dependable adult/friend. I’ll let you figure out where you want me in your life... if my heart can afford it.

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Dec. 4th (5th) 2016

You’re only 18 but you continually impress me with your responsibility, maturity, and intelligence on a day to day basis. (What, like 4 or 5 days by now? :P)

Our chats are starting to become something I look forwards to every evening and cheer me up so much. At this point, I’m only afraid you’ll stop finding me interesting. :D

Also, I’m feeling quite bad for starting to like you. You know, I’m not going to give you anything remotely close to a hint and will continue to push you away when you try to flirt :D. Because I feel horrible enough that I’m chatting with you in the evenings, when I shouldn’t even be allowing you the chance to like me, if I was the responsible adult I claim to be.

I’ll continue to express my thoughts about you when they occur, on this blog, because I can’t really express this to anyone else Y_Y. I’d be labeled the irresponsible dum bum that I am.

If this crazy thing somehow falls through, in other words:

1) We meet as friends, get to know each other irl, and you still like me

2) There has been thought about the future, how this would fit irl, and not just the now

3) I cryo-freeze myself until you’re at least 21 :/

But of course, you’re not gonna stay interested in me through all that right :D.