(Engineer!Mark x Captain)
The wormhole is gone. We stopped the paradox.
To the planet we left for. All the colonists alive and unaware of what happened.
I keep repeating in my mind like a mantra. A lifeline I’m clutching, like it’s the only thing that’s real.
The crew runs about, prepping everything for departure. Celci shows me some charts of Cryo’s stats, and I numbly nod. Burt and Gunther are discussing plans for the security system on the planet, and I barely acknowledge them as they walk by.
My hands shake, so I grab onto the console and take a deep breath. Looking around, I sigh at everyone chatting excitedly.
The chanting gets louder, and my head screams. My body aches, despite starting anew, it’s like each death and injury are carved in my bones. The fear, the doubt, the struggle. It’s embedded in every muscle, my shoulders sinking as I stare at the screen below me.
Everyone leaves to work on their assignments. The moment the door slides shut I drop my head into my hand. Aggressively rubbing in a foolish attempt to clear it.
Tears prick at my eyes, thousands of deaths. Over and over. The screams, the begging, the betrayal. All those lives lost.
I push off the console and turn away. Fingernails scratching against my face, before my arm falls to my side. I stare out the window. The beautiful sight of safety greeting me in all its green glory.
My feet are heavy, my skin burning. I rip off my jacket, throwing it to the ground as I step closer to the window. That shattering sound echoing through my skull. Time after time. Fire, pain, loss, failure.
My breath goes shallow, and the ground pulls on me. Giving in, I fall into a crouch, arms resting on my knees, and I hide my face in them. Struggling to breathe, to think, to sit in the moment.
The door slides open, but I don’t move. I know those footsteps. I know everything there is to know about the man they belong to. I’ve seen every version of him that’s ever existed. I know who’s behind me.
Silence. Not even a breath. I already know that his mouth has fallen open, a small ‘o’ accompanied by a look of recognition. Likely coupled with shame at the memory. Not my intention, but he knows that. He knows me too.
I don’t allow myself to look up. Though whether my arms serve as a shield or prison bars, I’m not sure.
“I’m just so… tired.” I want to say more, but nothing comes to mind, not with that mantra beating.
I’m mumbling it now. As if vocalizing will allow it to feel real. Convince me this isn’t just another go around.
Footsteps. Then a quiet grunt as he sits next to me. More silence. If I wasn’t so tired… This is new territory, and we both know it.
“You know Captain? This might be the one time you actually need to let go.”
The words die on my lips. And I peek out of my arms to see him staring up at the window. He doesn’t look at me, doesn’t turn his head, but I know he knows I’m watching. I know it from the sad smile on his face.
“We both know I’m not good at that.”
A small laugh. “So let me help.”
He lifts a hand, not taking, offering. I hesitate. All of the times my grip wasn’t enough race through my mind.
I reach out and entwine our fingers. His smile softens. My head falls on his shoulder.
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