Remorse

29/May/26

I was enjoying the night with my friends—drinking, dancing, just lost in the music. It was almost 4 a.m. when something unexpected happened. I saw you walking in.

My heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t help but tell my friend, “He actually came.” I never thought you would show up from my friend’s invite.

Then you walked toward me, smiled—that same smile that made me fall for you—and said you came because you wanted to see me, that you missed me too. Honestly… you made me fall for you all over again. And it scared me, because I’ve been trying so hard to move on since the day you told me you’re straight.

Later, when things started to settle, I asked if you wanted to come over to my friend’s place to drink. You hesitated. I could feel why—you still have feelings for her. It hurt, but at the same time, I understood. Maybe we’re both holding on to something we can’t have.

Then you told me about your grandparent passing away while you were here. I listened to you, trying so hard to stay strong and not cry. When I looked at you, I saw how vulnerable you were—like a child opening up, carrying guilt and pain. In that moment, all I wanted was to stay, to listen to you for hours if I could, just to be there for you.

But time wasn’t on our side.

Before we parted, you told me you’ve been looking for me at the bus stop too, every time you leave the office. I don’t know if it’s true… and I’m trying not to hold on to that hope.

Because the truth is, I still want you. But deep down, I know this might be something that will never happen the way I wish it would.

03/May/2026

I thought you might have seen me looking at you that time. I wanted to call your name so you’d notice me, but in the end, I didn’t have the courage.

This will be the last time I wait for you at the bus stop—like I’ve been doing since the day I met you, from 5:00 to 5:07, just hoping to see you walk by.

I hope one day you’ll see me the way I see you. Take care, and I wish you all the best in your career.

Today, I saw him again. It was actually our friend’s idea to call out to him when we saw him leaving the office. We stayed nearby, waiting along the path he usually takes.

That was probably the closest I could get to him—a moment from a distance. Even so, just seeing him again made me happy.

We tried to call his name, but he didn’t hear me. Still, it gave me a realization about what things truly mean for me. If he really wanted to see me, he would have looked around or noticed his surroundings before getting on the bus.

That’s why I feel it’s no longer worth shouting just to be noticed by him. For me, it’s already enough that I saw him.

Now, I’m trying to slowly let go of the feelings I have for him and focus on what truly matters—myself.

I saw him yesterday at his workplace, which is close to mine. I felt happy just seeing him, but I didn’t have the courage to call out or get his attention.

In a way, it made me realize that my feelings aren’t as strong as they used to be, and the urge to be noticed by him has lessened.

I hope that the next time I see him, it will just feel natural—like two friends, without any deeper emotions involved.

Then we ended up in another bar unintentionally, and he called me. He was smiling at me, and I smiled back and went closer to him. I told him how I’ve been feeling—like he’s been ignoring or avoiding me. He said that’s not true and that I’m his “special friend.”

But honestly, that “special friend” label has always triggered my feelings for him. I just wanted to finally release everything I’ve been keeping inside, and I’m glad I told him how I felt last night.

I’m still in the process of moving on and realizing that it’s not worth fighting for these feelings, especially knowing that he likes to chase a lot of girls. I think it’s better for me to just be his friend—nothing more, nothing less—and to start learning how to control my feelings.

It was nice to see you earlier but I guess that was a moment of freeing myself from the romantic emotion I am holding in my heart.

Thanks for waking me up on my fantasy and showing me the reality of who you really are. My feelings for you was rare, it was valid and genuine but I won’t stay where I’m not valued the same way.

I will definitely see you around but not the same way anymore.

I know we don’t have a future and that we will never be in a relationship, but why did I still expect that he might love me back? I confused his gestures as signs of love. Everything that happened was probably just part of his own confusion or curiosity.

It really hurts to see him flirt with other girls or even think that he might be with someone else, when I wish it could be me giving him all the happiness he wants. I feel like I want to beg and prove my worth, but is it even worth trying when he made it clear from the beginning that we’re just friends—and that I’m only a “special” friend to him?

I wish he could see my worth and understand how much I care for him, how well I would treat him if he could just realize how special he is in my eyes. I would give him everything. I want him, but he doesn’t feel the same way.

So here I am, just in the corner, cheering for him and smiling back at him to support his happiness—even though it’s breaking me inside. I hope I’m strong enough to handle this and eventually let go of these feelings, because I don’t want to leave his side.

Damn… you’re driving me crazy.

I never thought I would fall for a straight guy, but you made me do it—and now I’m paying the price.

~MSA

05/Apr/2026

One month has passed and it’s time to say good bye again. The house is quiet again. The feeling of longingness runs deeply in my body again. I will sleep again without hearing their snores or voices outside the room. I will wake up again not hearing the sound of zumba that Mama dances every morning. The cook meals that made special with my Mom and the nightly bonding in the living room while watching a never ending Family Feud.

I guess I need to hold on to my courage again and keep pushing myself forward. I hope the next time we meet, I got a new opportunity for me. I love you all and have a safe flight to the Philippines. 😘❤️

Huling araw ng taong 2025. Maraming bagay ang dapat ipagpasalamat. Ngayong taon nagkaroon ako ng bagong trabaho at nakapasok sa unibersidad. Sa unang pagkakataon ay natutunan kong magturo at makitungo sa mga bata. Masaya at nakakalibang. Nagkaroon din ako ng oportunidad na makakanta ngayong taon. Ang makabilanh sa Koro Ducere. Aking naipamalas ang aking talento sa pagkanta.

Bukod dito, nagkaroon ako ng mga bagong kaibigang kasama kong kumain, magroad trip, camping at sa mga kalokohan.

Taong din ito naranasan kong maging malaya kahit sandali, ang magawa ang mga bagay na ‘di ko pa nagawa noong mga ilang taon. Umiibig, umasa, nasaktan, magpakatanga. Hahahaha nakakatawa na lang isipin.

Bago pa matapos ang taon hindi ko akalaing iiwan kami ni JB, isa sa nakakalungkot sa taong hindi. Wala kami sa tabi niya noong namatay siya. Nandito sina mama at papa para magbakasyon. Maraming salamat, Jb sa ilang taon bg ating oagsasamahan. Mamimiss kita nang sobra.

Marami pa akong gustong makamit sa taong 2026, sana ay matupad sa susunod na taon ang mga pangarap. Nawa’y maibigay sa’kin ang mga bagongbopprtunidad na lalo pang magpapalawak at magpapalalim ng akong kakayahan.

Salamat, 2025

I hate to say goodbye knowing that the person you love will not be at your side. I wanted to keep them here right beside me but they need to come back again in the Philippines. It’s almost two years since I’ve been separated with them but the longing of not seeing them everyday just wanna make me cry. I don’t want to cry either, I just want to cry inside and pretend that this good bye is just temporary and we will see each other again soon. So I just take all the courage to become strong and keep on fighting here in the place where my dreams are starting to build in. I just want to move forward so we can be together again next time. I really enjoyed the company of them for the past one month. All the places we been through, the stories we long to tell to each which made possible over the cup of coffee, the dishes which were seasoned with love and care, the laughter, the night jog, and all the memories compiled in the lenses of my mom’s camera will forever be stayed in our hearts. Thank you for staying with us. We will surely miss you guys. Come back again soon. I love you all. Hugs and kisses. 😘

It’s been one year and three months since I become part of Ubora family. This was my first job here in UAE. I became a receptionist here which is way far from my profession. I took this job in order to get a visa and also while looking for a better opportunity here in Dubai.

It was not easy. I mean the fact that I got a job which was not in line with engineering. I felt ashamed of myself. Still I keep going. What matters was I have a job here and I can start my new life.

For the past months that I had been working there. I learned a lot of things. I have built my confidence in making a conversation with other nations. I am still in the process of polishing my communication skills, but I know I’ve become lot better now. I get the chance to talk to other people, to deal with their angers, to become professional on handling problems in job which I’m gonna keep on my career.

I have gained a lot of friends and connections as well and I know how to deal with other nation’s attitude.

I must say that working in a reception is not bad and it helps me changed a lot in my perspective and improve myself that I can be better on other part of my character and profession.

I wanna thank all the persons who helped me grow as an individuals. To my Manage Sir Tareq who gave me opportunity to show my talents and skills at work, to Miss Melanie who become my protector and person who can I call to when I needed a back up at work. To Miss Tiffany and Rex who were my coworkmates and my friends at work. I will miss those Saturday lunch break moments at 9th floor. The laughter and gossips we all shared. I know you will also be successful in your path. I’m rooting for the both of you and I hope we can see each other again. To Kuya Mohan and Nitin who became my constant quarrel coworkers. To the staff of Farnek and Ubora, to all the persons I have met whether a visitors or staff of different offices inside, to all my crushies who made my stay lovely, I will surely miss you all and thank you for being part of my memories. I hope I can stay forever deep down your heart and mind.

This is not a good bye. I know we will see each other again - in your favorite coffee shop, while riding the metro, or just by walking down the road. Just don’t forget to say hi and dont be a stranger.