A Walking Paradox

My muscles clench as I prepare myself from the impact of my consequence for saying the wrong thing. I flinch as he draws his fist back gathering enough strength to hit me. And as he relax and drop his fist, I feel a sense of relief wash through me yet didn't fail to notice how my tears are threatening to stream down my face as I think 'Is this how it's supposed to be? Is this how a father's affection feels like? If it is, then I'd rather not have it.' Hi Dad, remember those times when you refused to work and left us hung out to dry without any food nor any funds at all for school? Remember how you used to come home all drunk and intoxicated, throwing your fist and slaps around, wounding us physically and even deeper emotionally?  The thing is, dad, I don't have any memory beyond that and I don't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing. All my life, you've practically been nothing beyond that. Now, I get a call that you're in a hospital, suffered from CVA and is paralyzed. You brought more problems, thank you very much.  I thought it was gonna be for the better. I remember not crying for weeks. Not having any spare second to let everything sink in. You see at that very moment you had your heart attack, life decided that it was time for me to mature in a lot of ways, more ways than you could ever imagine.  And you got a bit better, I thought it's time to become a family. I thought it was a blessing in disguise. For a long time, I forced myself to believe that illusion. But now, as I look back and see you drawing that fist to hit me, I realize that you suffering from that heart attack wasn't a blessing in disguise, it's just another coy thrown by life at me screaming 'The joke is on you.' You see, you made me even more broken that I already was. You strut these days acting as if you were the constant recipient of the father-of-the-year award before you had that heart attack. Demanding every ounce of respect, shouting and ordering us around. No daddy, this is not the time for you to be practicing your rights and authorities as a father. You see, the moment you neglected your responsibilities as a father, you also stripped yourself the authority and respect that comes with it. I thought things were gonna be better but no, I'd rather have you as that drunken and intoxicated man before whom I was so afraid of when he was drunk because you see, now, I'm afraid of you every moment of every day. Thinking you'd be mad at the slightest thing and slap me across the face or hit me anywhere in my body. And I can't do anything about it because by default I'm the one at fault in mommy's eyes.