Sporadic

Funny how we spend years beside people, share laughter and pieces of ourselves and call it friendship only to discover that some connections were nothing more than performances - disguises.

Keep your circle small. Sometimes betrayals come from those we call friends. 🙃😉

“🎶. . .Where were you when everything was fallin' apart? All my days were spent by the telephone, that never rang and all I needed was a call, that never came to the corner of First and Amistad. . .🎵” You found me, The Fray

Re-posting this semicolon ( ; ) tattoo sesh 5 years ago with Donvitto of the Living Temple Tattoo shop. The semicolon as described by Webster is a punctuation mark used mainly to coordinate functions between major sentences. A writer chooses to use a semicolon to continue a sentence instead of using a period to end it. And to a few, the humble semicolon is meant to give them hope to keep on living. Cause oftentimes all need is someone who would listen unfeigned.

Life has been callous; hope seemed fleeting; and headspace is as negative as it can get —moments of wanting to cease from existence. Drift away to satisfy the need for freedom from pain — in all forms. Indulge in silence because no matter how loud you scream no one seems to listen; no one seems to care. We bury our scars underneath our existence, those that we thought might fade as time passes, we forget but we still carry them, festering inside just waiting for the trigger.

This little ( ; ) tedious as it is, gives me that minute relief that insignificant as I am maybe just maybe life is still worth living. Optimism sometimes gets overshadowed by pessimism. Yet, HOPE isn’t fully out of reach. It’s okay to feel lost and afraid because your feelings are valid. Life isn’t always filled with rainbows and unicorns. Despite the negativity, the GOOD will always outweigh the bad; no matter how dark it maybe the sun always rises. And life will always be beautiful.

I hope that someone finds comfort in knowing that life was designed by God for us to live in its fullest. Just know that you are not alone. You are worthy of all the good the universe offers. You are enough in every fiber of your being; you are loved by God and those lives you have touched. Your mere existence is a light to someone else. And their lives would not have been the same without you.

Dear self,

We have been together for 31 years and with those years, we have gained so many memories and lessons with various people. We had our heart broken, spirit down and faith lost. But, despite everything we still got up and continued to fight. And as the years progressed, we found out who our true friends are. Those people whom we know will never leave us nor betray us. Treat them well and love them with everything in us.

Let us gradually change our attitude, don’t be so eager to answer back. Control our temper, it already has caused problems. Believe in the universe. Believe in God. The person meant for us , will come or will be released in the right moment, under the right circumstances. The person we like right now, make him feel valued. But, above all else, value ourselves, don’t overly fixate on this person.

Numbness seemed to be favorable these days. Being stuck in this routine of waking up and going through the motions is tiring. I’m tired of waiting; waiting for the right moment to come, waiting until my heart doesn’t have to wait. What cruelty have I done in my past life to deserve this agonizing life of having to frequently heal a broken soul, a shattered heart; but then again, a broken heart cannot break.

Lifeline as defined by Webster as something regarded as indispensable for the maintaining or protection of life.

The real question is neither whether you have a lifeline or not; it is if you want a lifeline.

Do you want it? I’m not sure if having a lifeline would be enough to battle the demons inside my head; I sometimes question if my faith would suffice. Would it be enough as something to live for? What the purpose of having to live life when you haven’t got the purpose to do so.

- Under heavy constructing and thinking

There are things in life that we want to have. We pray for it day and night, we do all means to acquire it. But, most of the time we don't get what we want. Sometimes we get nothing in return for all the sacrifices that we made to make that dream come true.

Looking back, I find myself contemplating on certain decisions I have made. Thinking of the possible outcomes if I have chosen otherwise. Regrets, yes, definitely. If the opportunity to change specific things in my life now; I probably take that chance. However, there are a number of moments that has happened that I wouldn't trade or change. But then again I've always believe what's meant to be is meant to be.

Hey, I know you wouldn't be able to read this now, since you’re too busy concentrating on your future.

Nevertheless, I hope this will reach you, one way or another. I never quite understood why I like you. To be frank, you were not my ideal person, physically, speaking. But, I think as we get older we don't necessarily focus on the physical attributes. Instead we go beyond what the eyes can see and let the heart find what it's suppose to.

I remembered, a friend of mine telling me, "What if you’ll end up together? Both of you are smart, attractive and single." I just stood there with one eye brow raised. I just knew you for about 10 seconds and someone is already telling me we could end up together. But, I have to admit; it did cross my mind; the idea of "what if"; "What if he is one God has sent for me, since he is the total opposite of what I want."

As we started to spend time together, getting to know each other, slowly being comfortable with one another's company, and finding out that you're actually sweet and kind made me realized, how good of a person you are; which probably is the one of the reasons why I started to like you.

Maybe I'm just feeling lonely and since you pay attention to me, it gives my ego a boost. I guess, maybe, along the way, I let myself get carried away of the closeness you are showing me. I know I shouldn't give meaning to those hugs you give me and of you holding my hand. But I guess, don't know. I'm at a loss for words. Perhaps, the reason I somehow give meaning to your sweet gestures to me is because I'd love for our feelings to be mutual. As you look at me and smile, I get this feeling that there got to be more to this.

I hope you realize how much I like you. That, the mere fact of me trying to get your attention is my way of saying I need you to notice me. I do like you, and I was willingly to wait for your feelings to catch up to mine. But, If I do keep on waiting for that to happen, I feel like I'm being unfair to myself. I don't want to keep on clinging to the short lived happiness I feel when you notice me for a split second. I know I am worthy of so much more than that. I owe it to myself.

Actually, I'd love it if you and I would end up together; you being my lifetime partner. As much I would want for our feelings to be mutual, but if God as other plans for the both of us; if indeed this love was never ours to have, then so be it; may His will be done. I'm moving on from my feelings for you. I'll always be your friend. I just can't say in love you for too long anymore. I just don't know where I am in your heart. You’re too busy with your life and I'm busy figuring out what I'm suppose to do.

I want you to be happy, with or without me in your life. As long as your happy, then it's good enough for me. I want to see you grab hold of the desires you want for yourself and for your family. You're such a good person and you deserve the best life and love there is.