MOMENTS

I never thought that I will experience the most painful moments of my life in this pandemic. Noong nagsimula itong pandemic - ang nasa isip ko: saglit lang ito. Mga weeks, 3 months ang pinakamatagal, babalik na ulit lahat sa normal. At wala akong masyadong pangamba sa pagpasok ng pandemya, kasi secured kami, okay naman kami - tuloy pa rin ang takbo ng buhay.

Bago magpandemic, para akong “araw” na matindi ang sikat sa katanghaliang tapat. Sobra akong nagliliwanag sa kalangitan ng aking buhay. Paminsan-minsan may mga makakapal na ulap na tumatakip sa aking pagliliwanag, pero agad din itong lumilipas at muling masisilayan ang aking tingkad. Nagliliwanag ako sa kasiyahan ko sa buhay ko. Nasa langit ako ng mundo. Gumagala kung saan-saan. Punta dito, punta doon. Kumakain sa kahit saang lugar. Laging kasama ang mga kaibigan. Laging wala sa bahay. Minsan pa nga, nakuha ko pang makipaglandian. Lunod ako sa liwanag ng kasiyahan ng mundo. Mataas ang sikat ko sa langit. Okay ako. Ayos ako. Masaya ako.

Hanggang di ko inaasahang may katapusan din pala ang pagsikat na ito. Akala ko ‘yung buhay ko - habang panahon na umaga, habang panahon na sumisikat ako sa langit. Hanggang sa dumating ang pandemya. Unti unting dumilim ang paligid hindi dahil sa makakapal na ulap - kundi dahil lumulubog na ako. Dumating ang pandemya - nagsimula ang sunset ng buhay ko.

Para sa akin, ‘yung sunset ‘yung pinakamagandang scenery ng mundo. Pero di ko akalaing ‘yung pinakamaganda para sa akin ay magiging pinakamasakit noong mismong ‘yung buhay ko na ‘yung unti unting lumulubog, naglalaho matapos ang matingkad na pagsikat.

SPFY. Hindi ko akalaing gagawin ko ang aking SPFY sa loob ng pandemya. Sa SPFY, itinago kami sa mundo, pinahinto sa normal naming paglalakbay... at tinuruang lakbayin paloob ang aming mga sarili. Dito nagsimula ‘yung sunset ko - nang matuklasan ko ‘yung katotohanan ng pagkatao ko.

‘Yung ako na inakala ko na maayos, okay, masaya - lahat pala ‘yun mga maskara lamang. Dahil sa gitna ng pagkatao ko ay ang tunay na ako - sugatan, sobrang lungkot, mag-isa. Maraming taon ang lumipas na nagkukubli ang isang tunay na ako para lamang hindi ako maiwanan ng mga taong mahal ko.

From childhood, I never excperienced intimate love. Sa bahay, walang heart to heart talk. Sa bahay, walang yakapan, sabihan ng I love you. Lumaki ako na mechanical ang buhay ko. Katumbas ng mga achievements ay rewards mula sa parents ko. Many times sinasabi nila sa akin na “proud sila sa akin” pero bihira nilang sabihing “mahal nila ako”. Akala ko sapat na ‘yung “Proud” para palitan ‘yung mga salitang “I Love you”. Pero hindi pala. Kasi ‘yung pagiging “proud” conditional. Kailangan mataas ‘yung grades ko, kailangan marami akong awards, kailangan lagi akong successful. Kasi kapag hindi ko nakamit lahat yan - maglalaho ‘yung pagiging proud nila sakin na naranasan ko ng maraming beses bilang bata noong nagfail ako sa mga quiz bee, naging second honor nalang ako, noong bumagsak sa exams. Iba sa salitang “love” na walang hinihiling kapalit.

And then I realize, that as I grow up - I bear this kind of thinking: mamahalin lang ako kapag nagawa ko ang gusto nila, kapag successful ako, kapag magaling ako, kapag marami akong nagagawa. At iiwan nila ako kapag palpak na ako. No wonder that I became so workaholic and addicted to others’ affirmations. Kasi ginagawa ko ‘yung lahat para magstay lang ‘yung mga taong mahal ko - para hindi nila ako iwan. I’ve been busy working for the happiness of others that I forgot the happiness of my own self. And only if you’ll just know the anxiety and pains that I bore for years whenever people speak ill about me, whenever people reject me, whenever people that I love leave me. For years, nakita ko ‘yung sarili ko na hindi ako magiging “enough” para mahalin ng iba. Never enough. Kaya pilit kong inuubos ‘yung sarili ko para maging sapat ako para sa iba. Pero the more na pinipilit kong maging sapat - the more na nauubos ako, naglalaho na ‘yung tunay na ako. I’ve been busy collecting precious people for my own happiness that I did not see that I am already losing my self. I keep looking on love from other people that I forget that I must be the first one to give it to myself.

Sunset. ‘Yung palubugin yung mga maskara ko at hayaang mahalin ng sarili ko at ng iba ‘yung tunay na ako: mahina, emosyonal, takot maiwan mag-isa. Niyakap ko ‘yung mga sugat ko kasi ‘yun lang ‘yung paraan para maghilom ako. ‘Yung tanggapin ‘yung depression ko na hindi na mawawala. ‘Yung yakapin ‘yung mga kahinaan ko na hindi naman magiging hadlang para maging kamahal-mahal ako. 

At dito ako nag-umpisa ng paghilom. Ang hayaan buksan ang puso ko para hayaan ang sarili ko na mahalin ako. Ang buksan ang puso ko para hayaan ang iba na mahalin ako - kahit di ako mag-effort para piliin nila ako.

Akala ko, pagkatapos nitong sunset - sisikat na ulit ako. Mag-uumpisa na ulit ako ng panibagong umaga. Panibagong umaga na magbibigay ng pag-asa sa mga taong dumadaan din sa sunset ng buhay nila. Pero nakalimutan ko... na pagkatapos ng dapit hapon, doon pa lamang magsisimula ang gabi. The evening when the sun is no longer present. When the sun is gone. And total darkness covers the earth.

The evening. Ang sandali na wala na ang araw. Sandali na wala na ‘yung sarili ko. Sandali na wala kang pakiramdam kundi sakit at lungkot. Sandali na damang dama mo ‘yung pag-iisa mo. Akala ko sunrise ko na... may evening pa pala ako.

Noong isang linggo, umuwi ako sa tahanan. Pero ‘yung tahanan na dinatnan ko, ay ibang iba sa tahanan na nakasanayan ko. Ibang tahanan. Ibang lugar. Ang dating tahanan na nagbibigay sa akin ng security at comfort - ngayon ay isang tahanan na parang sibat na tumarak sa puso ko.

Pagpasok ng bahay, nakita ko ang isang nanay - walang lakas, sobrang payat, sobrang hina. ‘Yung nanay na naglalaba ng mga damit ko pagdating ko mula sa seminaryo. ‘Yung nanay na inaayos ‘yung mga gamit ko para di ako palaging hanap ng hanap kung saan. ‘Yung nanay na kasama kong maglingkod sa simbahan. Nakahiga sa salas, may sakit, mahina. Tinatanong ko kung anong nangyari? At ang tanging sinasabi lang ay “Okay lang ako.”

Nadatnan ko ang isang tatay. Pagod sa trabaho. Todo kayod para makabili ng gamot at pagkain para sa araw-araw.

Nadatnan ko ang isang bunso. Naglalaba, nagluluto, naglilinis ng bahay - hindi makapagfocus sa pag-aaral.

At nadatnan ko ‘yung isang panganay na anak, isang kuya. Pinapanood lang silang lahat na nagsasabing “Okay lang sila”. Pinapakiramdaman ‘yung mga lungkot at sakit sa puso nila. Tinititigan ‘yung mga mata nilang may mga luha na hindi maibuhos - kasi andun ‘yung anak nila na tinuruan nilang maging matatag sa lahat ng problema ng buhay. Bawal maging emosyonal. Bawal maging mahina. Dapat laging okay. At para maging okay ang kuya, dapat ipakita nila sa akin na okay sila. Pero alam ko sa puso kong hindi sila okay.

At sa gabing ito ng aking buhay tunay na nawawala ako. Wala ‘yung “araw” nung buhay ko. Pakiramdam ko wala akong kuwentang anak at kapatid. Pakiramdam ko hindi ko minamahal ‘yung mga magulang ko sa paraan na dapat sila ay mahalin. Dapat hindi na sila nagtatrabaho. Dapat hindi na sila nahihirapan ng ganito. Pakiramdam ko mang-aagaw ako ng pangarap. Kasi lahat nung pangarap namin dati - tumigil para lang tuparin ‘yung pangarap ko. Pakiramdam ko, inagawan ko ng pangarap ‘yung kapatid ko - dahil dapat ako ‘yung gumagawa noong mga ginagawa niya ngayon. Nawawala ako. Parang wala ako. Di ko maramdaman ‘yung worth ko. Di ko makita ‘yung pagiging anak ko. Parang ang sama-sama kong anak kasi iniwan ko ‘yung pamilya ko. And I am so helpless. So helpless that I don’t know what will happen next. Isa lang naman ‘yung hiling ko: ‘yung hindi ako maiwanan. Ayokong iiwan ako.

After sunset, the evening came. Isang gabi na hindi ko maramdaman ‘yung Diyos na tumawag sa akin. Isang gabi na gusto kong isumbat sa Diyos lahat lahat. Isang gabi na pilit ko Siyang tinatawag - pero wala Siya. Nasaan ka? Bakit mo ko iniwan? Bakit mo kailangang pabayaan? Nawawala ako. Eto na nga ‘yung gabi - ‘yung naglaho ‘yung control mo sa buhay mo. ‘Yung gabing mag-isa ka na at kahit anong comfort ng iba - damang dama mo na mag-isa ka. Wala kang makita sa paligid - tanging dilim. Wala kang ibang maramdaman kundi sakit at hinagpis.

Imagine, linggo linggo, pinagbibigay ako ng recollection at formation sa mga tao. At linggo linggo sinasabi ko sa kanila na mahal sila ng Diyos. At tuwing matatapos ang mga sessions na ito - iiyak nalang ako kasi hindi na ako naniniwalang mahal ako ng Diyos. Hindi na ako naniniwalang mayroong Diyos. Kasi pagod na ‘yung puso kong hanapin Siya. Pagod na ‘yung puso ko na suyuin Siya.

Hanggang dumating sa akin ang isang panaginip. Ako ay isang bata muli, at nasa gitna ako ng dilim. Wala akong makita - para akong bulag. Wala akong maramdaman - para akong manhid. Maya maya pa lamang, naramdaman kong may masakit sa aking kamay at sa aking paa. At noong subukan kong hawakan, mayroong malalim na sugat sa parehas kong kamay at paa.  Parang butas. At agad akong nagising. Umiiyak. Natatakot. Pero sa sandaling iyon, tila may kumalabit sa puso ko at nagsabing - nasa iyo Ako. Nasa iyo Ako.

At doon ko naunawaan ang ibig sabihin ng gabi. The holy darkness of our life. Ang gabi ng ating mga buhay ay hindi isang gabi ng dilim - pero gabi ng liwanag. Nagiging madilim ang lahat dahil sa sobrang liwanag na hindi kayang tiisin ng ating mga mata. At ang sobrang Liwanag na ito ang sumasakop sa mga sarili nating “araw”. Ang Liwanag na ito ang nagpapaalalang may mas matingkad na ilaw kaysa sa liwanag ng ating mga sarili, ng ating mga sariling “araw”. Isang Liwanag na niyayakap tayo ng amhigpit. Madilim kasi nasanay tayo sa kakarampot na liwanag na naibibigay natin sa ating mga sarili. Ito ‘yung gabi ng ating buhay - ‘yung mawawala na tayo at malulusaw ‘yung sarili nating liwanag dahil sa Liwanag ng Diyos. Hindi mararamdaman ang Diyos sa sandaling ito - dahil tayo ay nagiging Siya mismo. Sa mga sugat natin, sa mga hapdi ng buhay natin - sa pagtitiis natin, tayo ay nagiging si Hesus. Nawawala tayo sa gabing ito - kasi Siya na ‘yung nagiging matingkad sa buhay natin. Sa gabing ito, talagang mararamdaman ang pag-iisa. Talagang mararamdaman ang sakit at hinagpis. Dahil dadaan tayo sa daan ni Hesus. Hindi matatapos ang gabi kung tatakbo lamang tayo at basta basta susuko at tatapusin ang buhay.

Sa gabing ito, isa lang ang hinihingi ng Diyos - sumuko ka sa Kaniya. Aminin mong hindi mo kaya. Aminin mong wala kang lakas. Aminin mong talo ka. Suko ka na. Pero isusuko mo lahat sa mga kamay Niya. Susuko na ako. Susuko sa’Yo.

Nasa gabi pa rin ako ng aking buhay. Kahit maunawaan ko ng lubos ang gabing ito - mananatili pa rin itong misteryo sa gitna ng sakit at lumbay na nararamdaman ko. Pero sa pagdaan ko dito - isang pangako ang panghahawakan ko... Matatapos din ang gabi. Pero ayoko ng sumikat. Mas gusto ko nalang panoorin ang Liwanag ng Diyos na sumikat sa buhay ko.

In the barren soil of loneliness, there will I plant my seed...

Holy Darkness, blessed night... Heaven’s answer hidden from our sight.

Where are you during the Resurrection of Jesus?

Holy Week is over. We are now in the Easter season. And only few of us celebrate this season. We just greet one another a “Happy Easter” during Easter Sunday. But after that day, we do not realize anymore that it is still the Easter season. There is the Easter octave, eight days of singing the Gloria in the Church, a solemnity in the Church. And this season is observed by the Church for 50 days. But why it seems so ordinary for many of us? It is as if that after Holy Week, we immediately return to the Ordinary Time, and yes, we return again to our ordinary life, the same old life.

It is Easter season. It is Easter octave. But why only few of us recognize this kind of season? Because in reality, many among us cannot move with Jesus towards the Easter, towards His resurrection. Mas gusto natin ang Holy Week kaysa sa Easter. Mas gusto natin ang Good Friday kaysa sa Easter. Mas gusto natin ang Pasko ng kapanganakan kaysa sa Pasko ng Muling Pagkabuhay. Perhaps, we do not notice, Easter is so controversial for us that we cannot enter it. Easter seems so impossible, especially when we apply it in our lives.

Easter season is the celebration that Jesus triumphs from death. He is the victor over death! He is risen! But the resurrection of Jesus has no drama like that of what happened during His passion and crucifixion. In His passion, there is the betrayer, there is Barabas who is chosen than Him, there is Pilate who washed His hands to appear innocent, there is Veronica who wipes the face of Jesus, there are the centurions, and of course there are the dramatic words of Jesus before dying. But the Resurrection happens without any character, without any drama, only Jesus who rises up from the tomb where He is laid down. The resurrection is not even a public event like that of the crucifixion where everybody is watching. The resurrection happened in the middle of the night, in the darkness of the world, in the depressing moments of the disciples of Jesus, in silence. That is why, only few people attend the Easter Vigil. Because the Easter Vigil is actually an image of that resurrection: How darkness covers the Church and only one light is seen, the light of the Paschal candle and it starts with silence. No procession to the whole town like that of the Good Friday. But in silence. We do not want Easter because it is celebrated, yes, with the resounding voices of Alleluia but with a great silence in the deepest core of humanity: the heart. The heart, which is the tomb of Jesus.

Mas gusto natin ang Good Friday kaysa sa Easter Sunday. Mas marami kasi tayong sakit at hirap at masalimuot na nakaraan na ang hirap hirap pagtagumpayan. It is in Good Friday that we see Jesus as a human person, suffering with us, carrying the cross with us, having the drama of our own life. And when it comes to the Easter Sunday, bumalik nanaman Siya sa pagiging Diyos. Bumalik Siya sa pagiging makapangyarihan. Bumalik Siya sa pagiging matagumpay! At sa tagumpay na ito, tila ayaw nating sumama kasi tila impossible na magtagumpay sa mga pagsubok na meroon tayo ngayon. Tila ba sa pagsapit ng Easter Sunday, iniwan tayo ng Diyos sa krus at libingan, iniwan tayo ng Diyos sa sakit at hirap na gusto nating tambayan. We hate Easter because we are not like Jesus who can rise up that easily from the pains of His cross. We hate Easter because we are not like Jesus who is so powerful that can forget the past and can forgive His disciples who left Him during His passion. We are not like Jesus who has been hurt just yesterday, who has been betrayed just yesterday, who has been forgotten just yesterday, and who has been treated badly just yesterday, and after that yesterday, today He smiles and starts a very wonderful life again. Dahil kung tayo si Hesus, baka pagkabuhay nating muli, ang sabihin natin sa mga nang-api sa atin kahapon, “Patay kayong lahat sa akin ngayon!” We cannot move on easily like Jesus. We cannot rise up from our own tomb easily like Jesus. And thus, Easter is a myth. Easter is just for Jesus and not for humanity!

But dear friends, Easter Season is not a selfish act of God. Easter season is not just for God. Remember the words of St. Augustine of Hippo, “We are an Easter People, and alleluia is our song.” We are not made for Good Friday or Black Saturday or Christmas Day, we are meant for Easter Sunday. Easter is not an illusion, Easter is a reality of every Christian. Why is there Easter? Not just for Jesus to prove that He is God, but to show us our destiny: Resurrection. Each one of us is destined for Easter. We are destined to rise up from the pains of the world. Please do not forget, that during Good Friday until Easter Sunday, Jesus is both God and man. In Good Friday, yes we see a suffering man, but He is also a suffering a God. And now, in this Easter Season, we do not see just see a powerful God who rises up from death, but also a powerful man who through His obedience to the will of the Father, rises up from the pain of the cross. He is a God at the same time a human person who triumphs from death, opening for us the gates of heaven. Calling us to do the same.

Dear friends, Easter Season is not a selfish act of God. God is not asking you to forget the pains and darkness in order for you to reach Easter. Remember, when Jesus appeared to the apostles, He bears with Him the wounds that He obtained from the cross. He even asked Thomas to put His hands on the big wound at His side to show Him that He is risen and alive! Jesus does not ask us to forget the wounds in order to move on. Jesus does not ask us to run away with the traumatic memories of the passion and of the crucifixion in order to move on. But He asks us to remember these wounds and learn from them. The wounds are parts of our past and so are parts of who we are today. There will be no resurrection without the dying on the cross, without the wounds from the cross. No new life without sacrifice. No development without learning from a painful past. Touch the wounds, remember the wounds, and then learn. Who told you that it will not be painful? It will be painful! But again, you are not meant to remain to the horrors of those wounds, but move to the glory of those wounds! Only through that glory, one can truly move with the resurrected Christ. Remember, people in heaven are not flawless people. They are scarred people. They reach heaven, not because they are SCARED of horrors of their wounds but rather, but because they are SCARRED and so beautiful because they found the glory in their own wounds.

Dear friends, Easter season is not a selfish act of God. He rises from the tomb to become the helping hand to raise up people who cannot rise from their own tomb. Who told you that you are going to Easter on your own? You cannot make it. You cannot just rise from the problems that you have, from the struggles that keep on pulling you down. He rises from the tomb so that He can raise you up! Jesus Himself did not rose from the tomb alone, the Father and the Spirit is with Him. And so we are! We can only rise from the tomb through Him, by allowing to do His part. Today, there are many people who cannot think of what they should do with their lives. Some are jobless, some are hungry because of the quarantine, some are sick, some are hurt, mistreated and judged. Coronavirus is in front of us, mocking our humanity, mocking our incapacity to terminate this kind of evil, mocking our own weaknesses. But are there any of us who told ourselves that “God, ikaw lang talaga ang makakatapos nito. God ikaw lang!” I am tearful in watching people die helplessly, and doctors and nurses seems so helpless in saving their lives. And all I can utter is the word “God”. Even Pope Francis would look up to God as a child, with his teary eyes, uttering the word “God”. What should we do with our own lives? This must not be our question. We must change it and say, “God, what are you going to do in our own lives? We trust in You.” Jesus rises up from the tomb so that He can be a helping hand to those who cannot rise up. And you know, in my life as a seminarian, there are mornings that I don’t want to rise up from my bed, mornings that I don’t want to start the day again because of so many burdens that I will face again and again. You know, we wake up at 5:15 to begin our prayers. And sometimes, it so hard to go at the chapel in front of God, early in the morning with a heavy heart. Minsan sa buhay na ito, mas masarap itulog nalang ang lahat. Humimlay. Manatili sa Black Saturday at wag ng bumangon pa. But these moments are moments where God keeps extending His hands so that I can rise up from my own tomb. There are seminarians who will knock at my door to wake me up in the morning and saying “Brother, umaga na, bangon na.” Sometimes, there are people who will chat me, “Kamusta ka na, sana okay ka.” And some will ask for my advice on bigger problems that they encounter. Bigger than what I am experiencing. Those are hands of Jesus that pulls me up. And in those moments, I don’t do anything but allow Him to do everything for me. May mga sandali sa buhay natin na hindi na talaga natin kayang lumaban, ang tanging magagawa lang natin ay hayaan siya na ipaglaban tayo. Isinuko man tayo ng iba, maging ng ating sarili, kailanman, hindi tayo isusuko ng Diyos. Ipaglalaban Niya tayo.

Dear friends, Easter season is not a selfish act of God. It is His way of showing your destiny. It is His way of asking you to stop looking at the horrors of your wounds, but find the glory in them. And lastly, it is His way of pulling you up from the tomb where You are already drowned with so much darkness.

Where are you during His resurrection? Where are you during this Easter season? He is risen not for His own self but for You so that hope will always remain in You! Habang may buhay, may pag-asa! Habang may Kristong nabuhay, may langit na matatamasa! Umalis ka na sa Good Friday mo, halina at dalhin ang sugat ng Biyernes Santo sa Luwalhati ng Linggo ng Muling Pagkabuhay!

Tagu-taguan. Isa ito sa mga pinakapaborito kong laro noong bata pa ako. Mechanics? May isang taya sa grupo, bibilang siya ng 10. Habang pinipiringan niya ang kaniyang sarili, ang lahat ay nagtatago. Matapos ang bilang, hahanapin niya lahat ng kalaro niyang nagtago. Bihira akong mataya sa larong ito. Magaling kasi akong magtago. BDahil sa payat at maliit ako dati, lahat ng ng sulok ay napapasukan ko. Titiisin ko lahat ng hirap wag lang mahuli. Kahit kagatin ako ng kung anumang insekto, o magkadengue dahil sa lamok, o magalusan at masugatan dahil sa di nakitang bubog, yero, o sang ng kahoy, okay lang, basta makakapagtago ako, at hindi ako matataya.

Akala ko laro lang ang lahat. Hindi pala. Hanggang sa aking paglaki, nagtatago pa rin ako. Nagtatago sa pinakasulok ng puso ko. At oo, pinasikip ko an gpuso ko para maging taguan ng mga nararamdaman ko. Titiisin lahat ng hirap at sakit, makapagtago lang. Kahit magkasugat, kahit masaktan, okay lang, basta walang makakakita sa akin, walang makakaalam ng tunay na nararamdaman.

Tulad ko, milyong milyong tao ang naroon sa sulok ng kanilang puso, nagtatago... nagtatago ng maraming bagay tungkol sa sarili. Mga luhang itinatago sa pekeng tawa at ngiti, mga pag-ibig na dapat ipaglaban ngunit mas minabuting hindi masabi, mga problemang tinakasan at pilit sa iba at sa tadhana isinisisi. Pinakipot ang lugar ng puso, ginawang lugar upang magtago. Bakit nga ba nagkaganito? Bakit inibig na natin ang magtago?

Takot. Takot sabihin ang tunay na nararamdaman. Bakit? Bakit ang hirap maging tapat? Bakit ang hirap lumabas sa lugar ng taguan? Bakit ang hirap sabihin ng tunay na nararamdaman?

Siguro dahil takot ako sa katotohanan, na kapag lumabas ako sa taguan, madidiskubre kong wala palang naghahanap sa akin, walang may pakialam o maaaring walang tumanggap. Tumatakbo sa isip ang tanong na: tatanggapin kaya niya o nila 'yung tunay na nararamdaman ko? Kapag ba sinabi kong mahal ko siya, hindi niya ko lalayuan o walang masisirang pagkakaibigan? Kapag ba pinakita kong nasasaktan ako, magbabago ba siya o sila o di kaya'y maiintindihan nila ang pinagdadaanan ko? Baka hindi. ANG HIRAP MAGING TAPAT SA MUNDONG MAS LAMANG ANG PANGHUHUSGA KESA SA PAGTANGGAP. Isang mundo na ang tingin sa lungkot at luha ay kadramahan at kaartehan, ang tingin sa umiibig na sugatang puso ay katangahan, at ang tingin sa pag-ibig ay libangan lamang. Mahirap magsabi ng tunay na nararamdaman dahil baka wala namang makinig, baka walang interesado, baka taliwas ito sa opinyon nila, at baka sa larong ito... matalo lang ako. Ayokong umalis sa taguan kasi ayokong maging talunan.

Kaya ang hirap sabihin ng tunay na nararamdaman dahil ang hirap iwanan ng lugar na aking pinagtataguan. Isang lugar na hindi ako talunan, isang lugar kung saan ako ang kampyon at naghahari-harian. Ang lugar kung saan ako ang bida, ang kumukontrol sa lahat ng bagay, ang nagdidikta ng sarili kong tadhana. Ang taguan ang lugar kung saan alam ng lahat na okay ako, alam ng lahat na di ako nasasaktan, alam ng lahat na wala akong feelings, lugar kung saan tila punong puno ang puso ng kamanhidan. Ang "taguan" ang naging mundo ko. Ang lugar ng ilusyon ko.

Pero hindi ako dapat habang buhay naririto. Matatapos din ang gabi at sisikat din ang liwanag, at makikita din nila ako, ang tunay na ako. Pero natatakot ako. Natatakot akong magpakita at umalis sa taguan ko. Sa sandaling sabihin ko ang nararamdaman ko, marami ang magbabago at baka magsisi lang ako. Ang aking bukas ay tulad ng isang madilim na taguan, walang kasiguraduhan, kailangang mangapa at oo, kailangang sumugal!

Pero eto na. Kumakatok na ang liwanag ng konsensya, tumatawag na ang sikat ng katotohanan. Kailangan ko ng maging tapat sa nararamdaman. Bakit?

Man is known as HOMO VIATOR: He is a journeyer. Man’s life is a journey. Every journey requires us to move. This is why in the world we live in: change is constant. Every movement entails change.

But as the time goes by, people realizes the pain that change brings. Hindi naman kasi lahat gusto nating magbago, may mga bagay na gusto nating manatili. But since our manhood entails that we are “journeyer”, we cannot control the reality that things around us change. Most of the time, we are haunted by the reality that in our journey, people come, and they also go.

Bakit inilagay tayo sa isang mundo na puno ng pagbabago? Why put us in a world of change and not a place of forever? Because of our bitterness, we made the dictum, “Walang forever!” Everything is temporal, bounded by time, limited to change.

But sadly, many of us remain in the illusions of happily ever after. They remain on their own earthly forever. What do I mean? There are people who cage their self to a certain event or situation and can’t find the ability to move on.

MOVE ON. What a challenging invitation?! Marami ang hindi makayakap sa salitang iyan. Marami ang gustong tumugon, pero hindi magawa-gawa. Kaya madami din ang nananatili sa dilim na di maiwanan o makalimutan. Nalimutan na ang katotohanan na sila ay buhay at maaaring gumalaw, maaaring mag move on.

Bakit nga ba may mga sandali sa ating buhay na ang hirap tumugon sa panawagan ito? If moving on is actually our natural way of facing life, why is it hard for us to make a step forward on some certain events? What keeps you not to move on?

Maybe because of our TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE WITH CHANGE. Masyadong nasaktan sa biglaan pagbabago kaya natatakot muli sa pagbabago. MAsaya ang relasyon, biglang naging magulo. Nangakong mananatili, biglang umalis. Sabi hindi ipagpapalit, pero ipinagpalit. Nasa’yo ang oras niya, pero noong nahanap niya ang pag-ibig niya, wala ka ng kuwenta. Okay na okay ka, kaso bigla kang nagkamali o biglang may dumating na trahedya. It is really hard to move on from the sudden shift of great happiness into the painful events in our life. Nakakatakot magmove on kasi baka sa pagbabagong ito, masaktan nanaman tayo at mas masakit pa sa nakaraang pagbabago ang maranasan natin. Baka kasi kapag nagmove on ako, mahulog nanaman ako sa maling tao. Baka kasi nagmove on ako, maging masaya nanaman ako tapos biglang dadating nanaman ang malaking problema, mas malala pa sa kasalukuyang hinaharap ko. Dito nalang ako! Dito sa sandaling masakit pa din lahat, pero titiisin nalang, kesa madagdagan pa ang sakit.

Or maybe, the reason why we can’t move on is because of our ILLUSIONS. What Illusions? That there is a chance to bring everything back to its original or sweet situation. We think of things as if we are the one who controls everything. Baka kasi mahal niya din ako. Baka balikan pa niya ako. Puwede pa namang ayusin. Nangako siya, tutupadin niya ‘yun. Blinding words and alibis that feed our mind with illusions that are far from the reality itself. The worst of this is the resentment or anger that these illusions form into one’s heart. When the illusion becomes a failure, anger enters the story.

Anger is the extreme reason why we cannot move on. We may be angry to a person who hurt us, to our self who chose the wrong thing, or to God who allowed everything to happen. When anger entered the story, forgiveness became impossible and moving on is already forgotten.

Traumatic change. Illusions. Anger. These three block our way to move on.

What do we suggest now? Face the reality. In every situation, there is a reality that one must accept.

The first reality is the reality of growth. Yes, change will only be effective if it is painful. Ang pagbabago ay masakit para matuto tayo. We are afraid of change because of the pain. But the more we run from pain, the more we run from growth and learning. This is why painful change naturally comes to us to teach us to move and grow. Ito pala ‘yung purpose ng iba’t ibang situation na hindi maunawaan, na sobrang sakit at tila ba parang na-stucked na tayo. The purpose is to help us grow, learn and move on. Take note the word “Move on.” It speaks not about “move backward” but it tells us to “MOVE ONward.” Yes, according to St. John of the Cross, there are situations in our life that will bring so much pain, so much sadness, so much emptiness. And once you overcome this, you become another person who is better than who you are from yesterday. So why fear of moving on? Unless a caterpillar learn to bear the pain of the cocoon, then it becomes a beautiful butterfly. Move on and accept the reality, that God wants you to grow.

The second reality that one must accept is the reality of NOW. Why is it men look for happiness from their past, from their future and not from NOW? Kaya hindi makamove on kasi na-stucked sa nakaraan, na-stucked sa mga pangrap sa kinabukasan kaya hindi makagalaw sa sariling kasalukuyan. You are not for tomorrow or for yesterday, you are made for today! Dearest friends, many of us cannot embrace the reality of NOW because we always wanted to put everything under our control. Lahat inilalagay natin sa ating mga kamay, sa ating desisyon. May mga bagay na ipinipilit pa rin natin kahit hindi naman talaga puwede! May mga bagay na pilit nating nililinaw kaya lalong lumalabo. Bakit na ang hilig natin sa pilitan? Kaya hindi marating ‘yung tunay na saya na dapat para sa atin, dahil pilit tayong nananatili sa lugar na hindi naman nakalaan para sa atin. Wake up! Embrace today! Embrace “NOW”! Tanggalin ‘yung mga what if’s, at mabuhay at bumangon sa “ngayon” na pinagkadapaan natin. Kung iniwan ka, tanggapin mong iniwan ka. Kung sinaktan ka, tanggapin mong sinaktan ka. Kung di ka mahal, tanggapin mo na hindi ka mahal. Wag kang gumawa ng kaisipan na malayo sa katotohanan! Not everything is under our control. Hindi mangyayari ang isang bagay na inisip mo lang! The “NOW” teach you to trust on a higher being that can push you to move on.

The last reality is the reality of forgiveness even in the absence of a sorry. Teka, parang mahirap ‘yan. Parang hindi puwedeng magpatawad kung walang humihingi ng tawad. Dear friends, forgiveness is not given just because of a sorry or because of our own interpretation of justice. Forgiveness is given to a person not because he deserves it but because you deserve peace! In forgiving, you do not just give forgiveness, but you also give peace to yourself. One may forgive without the “sorry” not to tolerate the sin of the other but to give peace to one’s heart and to let God take over the situation. And this helps you to move on. We cannot move on if there is no peace in us. Kahit sa pisikal at emosyonal na aspeto, parang ang hirap gumalawat ang hirap maglakad kapag ang bigat bigat ng dinadala. You can only move on through peace. Be at peace. Hindi importante sa pagmomove on ang makalimot. Dahil may mga bagay na sa sobrang sakit ay ang hirap kalimutan. Ang importante ay matanggap mo. Sa pagtanggap mo masusumpungan ang kapayapaan.

There is one onstance in the Bible that an apostle is struggling from the call of moving on. Who is that, Thomas, known as the doubting apostle.

He cannot move from the situation of the calvary. He was stuck in pain and disappointment. ‘Yung Hesus na nagsabing hindi siya iiwan, ayun nawala. ‘Yung Hesus na nagsabing ililigtas siya sa kamatayan, ayun namatay. Thomas cannot move on from the pain of calvary. He became so broken that the Jesus he followed, he admired, is now wounded, dead, and gone!

Kaya nga in the Gospel of John, Thomas separated Himself from the community of the apostles and was not able to see the resurrected Christ. Like him, in times of our pain, we choose to lock our self into our own room, crying or dreaming things that gives comfort us. We lock our self and choose not to move on in the journey of life. When Thomas’ fellow brothers run to him saying, “We have seen the Lord!” he responded with bitter and doubting words, “Unless I see the mark of nails in his hands and put my finger into the nailmarks and put my hand into his side, I will not believe!” In these words, one may see how he can’t move on from the nails, from the wounds and pains of the calvary.

But wait, the story does not end in a doubting Thomas. He met Jesus, wounded as He is, but truly alive. And how did Jesus help Thomas to move on? First, He said to the apostles, “Peace be with you!” Words of peace, gift of peace! If you will go deeper to these words, Jesus is telling Thomas, “Be at peace. Let go the pain. I am here!” And what is the second thing that Jesus did? He let Thomas put his finger and hands in His wounds. “Touch my wounds!” The Calvary is part of the past. It already happened. “Now, touch my wound and embrace the ‘NOW’. The pain of calvary is part of the the glory I show to you right now! I may have these wounds, but I’m alive. As you put your hand in my side, you will be able to touch my heart and there you will feel how I love you from the beginning until now. I keep promise. Please accept the pain of calvary and embrace the ‘NOW’”

And Thomas learned from the painful change of the calvary. He now moves to the glorious proclamation of the resurrection as He states: “My LORD and my GOD!” He is now ready to move on, to face another calvary for the Lord.

Like Thomas, there are times that we are stuck in a certain place. We are stuck because we stumbled, we get tired, we felt so much pain that we think we cannot move on anymore.

For almost 10 years, my friends believe that I am a love expert. Alam ko daw ang pasikot sikot ng pag-ibig. But, they do not know the reality behind my ability. Tulad ng madami, magaling lang magpayo, pero kapag nasa actual situation na, wala ng isip na gumagana. And this is truly love!

May nagmahal ba na hindi nagpakatanga? May nagmahal ba na hindi nagtanong kung in love ba talaga siya? May nagmahal ba na nasagot lahat ng bakit niya? May expert ba talaga sa pag-ibig? Wala. Lahat nangangapa, lahat nageexperiment, at lahat natututo.

Yes, I can give opinions and advices, but they are just ideas which is sometimes far from the real experiences. I am not a love expert. Until today, I am still suffering from the mysterious system of love.

Ano ba talaga ang pag-ibig? Saan ba talaga dapat ibibigay ito? Sa sarili o sa kapwa? Hindi ba pag-ibig ang pagmamahal sa sarili? Pag-ibig ba talaga ang tawag kapag binigay mo lahat lahat kahit alam mong wala siyang pakialam sa'yo? Ang weird!

What makes love so confusing is the poles that keep on pulling between the extremes of selfishness and selflessness. I encounter persons who sacrificed everything for a man who doesn't deserve her. Walang itinira sa sarili. Anong ipapayo? Magtira ka naman sa sarili mo. Mahalin mo naman ang sarili mo. On the other hand, I encounter persons who focuses on his own demands and wants in their relationship. Anong ipapayo? Love is sacrifice, it is giving without looking for something in return. It is forgetting onself.

Love yourself? Forget yourself? How can that be? How can these two poles conform with one another? Ano ba talaga ang dapat sa pag-ibig? Hilingin na ibigin ka din? O umibig ng walang hinihiling na kapalit?

Selfishness. Ito daw ay kalaban ng pag-ibig. You can only love if you learn to forget yourself. But there is also a saying - You cannot give what you do not have - If you don't love yourself, you will not be able to give true love to other persons. Magulo pa din. But selfishness is harmful if it goes to the extreme. When a person focuses on one's pleasure and happiness and forget the needs of others. But there is a noble selfishness in love. Why noble? Because it is not in extreme but rather stays at the middle. Totoo, lahat tayo humihiling na sana mahalin din tayo noong taong mahal natin. Selfish ba ito? Hindi, it is noble selfishness. Why? Because along with loving is longing. Laging kaakibat ng pag-ibig ang pag-asa. Walang umibig na di umasa. Sapagkat ang hangad ng pag-ibig ay makipagkaisa. Life is incomplete. There is a saying that our souls are made incomplete. This soul looks for another soul that will complete it. Noble selfishness. It longs to complete oneself at the same time to complete the other. Kapag umibig ka, nagiging dalawa ang sarili: ikaw, ang sarili mo at siya, na ninanais mong maging bahagi ng sarili mo. Kung gaano mo iniingatan ang sarili mo upang malayo sa kahit anong sakit at kapahamakan, ganito rin ang nais mo sa pinakamamahal mo. You treasure yourself so that you'll learn to treasure the other like how how you treasure your own. Noble selfishness! Paano ka magbibigay ng pag-ibig kung ikaw mismo ay walang nararamdamang pag-ibig mula sa sarili? Paano mo ibibigin ang ninanais mong maging bahagi ng sarili mo kung wala kang pagpalahalaga sa mismong sarili mo?

Selflessness. For us, this means giving everything and forgetting oneself. Okay lang masaktan, okay lang loko lokohin ng maraming beses, okay lang mamatay ako dito at habang buhay maghintay na mamahalin niya din ako! This is extreme selflessness. There is no love here, but obsession. In our ordinary term: addiction. Adik ka kaya sabog ka. Selflessness must not be understood this way. Right selflessness speaks of generosity that brings order and goodness. Therefore selflessness gives peace and joy to the one who makes a sacrifice. Love is a joyful sacrifice. Mga kapatid, selflessness is different from suicide! Selflessness starts with your own free decision to give, to love, and sometimes to set other free. Yes, selflessness is setting aside our own wants but it does not set aside the truth and goodness. It does not sef aside the truth you must accept and the goodness that you must exercise. Truth? E hindi ka niya talaga kayang mahalin, bakit ipipilit? Goodness? Sinasaktan ka na, niloloko, bakit itotolerate pa, e mali na?

The point is noble selfishness and right selflessness is always in conformity with one another. To understand deeper, we must look at the One great expert in love. The One Who is love Himself: God.

Many people look at the cross of Jesus as extreme selflessness. Nagsuicide ang Diyos. We look at the cross as a moment of pain, of pagpapakatanga, and of tragedy. Extreme selflessness. This is wrong. The cross is not a tragic story but a triumphant event in the history of salvation. The cross is not a suicide but it is a triumphant moment where God claims what is for Him (noble selfishness) and gives everything He has (right selflessness). Binawi ng Diyos ang sa kaniya, at ibinigay lahat para sa lahat ng kaniya! Nanatili Siyang Diyos sa cross at kasabay nito ang pagbibigay Niya ng sarili para sa tao. If God is extremely selfish, siguro di niya tayo binigyan ng kalayaan. Siguro para tayong robot na kinokontrol niya para mahalin siya. If God is extremely selfless, baka lahat ng gusto natin at dasal natin ay pinagbigyan niya kahit 'yung mga bagay na hindi naman talaga natin kailangan. This will give us a chaotic world.

Ito ang pag-ibig. Ngunit hindi ito ganoon kadali. Madaming karanasan ang magtuturo sa atin ng ganitong bagay. Be in love by giving yourself and filling yourself with joy and peace.

According to John Locke, a modern philosopher, our life is like a blank paper. As we grow older, we write different experiences on it. We start from blank, and we end up with so many detailed experiences.

This means that life is actually an act of writing down all the moments that we have. But, it is true, that in life, there are experiences that we want to treasure, or to save; but also, there are things that we want to delete, or to forget.

There are two instruments that we use in writing down our experiences. First, the pencil and the second is the ballpen or permanent pen.

In our younger days, we use pencil to write down our experiences. Things in this age are very simple. We don't need too much money, extravagant life, millions of likes and followers just to be happy. All we need are simple things that make us contented everyday. Pencil. We draw trees, apple, house, hut, mountains, beach, sunset and our family. These are simple things that we love and we appreciate everyday. Love, way back then is so simple. It starts with the family and above the all, it always begins with a smile. Pencil. When we were young, we commit mistakes. But at this age, we were all scientists, making experiments, assuming something, trying something. Therefore mistakes don't weight too much. With the pencil, we have the eraser. It is very easy to change, before, the mistakes that we have done. Mistakes then are always an opportunity for learning. But the eraser tells us something greater... It teaches us, when we were kids, how easy for us to let go. We are not so attach. We can change decisions in a snap. We can erase or let go the things that harms us, hurts us, and the things we don't really need.

But life became more complicated when we grow up. We left the pencil, and we always have that excitement to use the ballpen. But we never realize the complication that it brings to us. The ballpen is a signal that our life is becoming tough. We stop making some drawings, but learn to put all our feelings into letters, words, sentences, paragraph. Love now becomes more complicated. We look for the definition of love, we try to spell it using other words, but still we fail. Ballpen. It teaches us to be professional in life. No more eraser. Maturity now asks us to think before you write or to think before you make an experience; because once you make something, there is no turning back. Every ink counts. Yes, the marks of the ballpen shows how hard for us now to let go. Why? Because every erasure leaves a mark. Laging may maiiwan at maiiwan na ala-ala. Hindi talaga nabubura, nagiging marka lang ng guri-guri o bilog at ekis. We put ex to every mistake that we have. Ex-bf, ex-gf, ex-work, ex-lifestyle. Minamarkahan mo na ngayon ang pagkakamali mo. But, this mistake will always be an oppprtunity to change the flow of your story.

But now, we improvise new method to write on the blank paper of our life. We become digital persons. Our life now is an empty computer desktop. As we grow, we put things on it, important or not. But this digital type of life always reminds us of our limitedness. May limit ang memory. There are times that we are ask to delete some files to free up some space for new experiences. Yes, there is a delete button. But don't mess up with it. When you press it, there is always a question that will bother you: Are you sure that you want to delete this permanently? Oh, a question of letting go. Why need a confirmation like that? It gives us a chance to think... To let go or to hold on? There is no turning back.

Yes, life is a challenge of letting go and holding on. It is easier when we were young, and it becomes harder when we grow up. Look at your life paper? Or life computer desktop? What do you have there right now? Are you going to delete? Or retain? Are you sure? The choice is within your hands.

Questions

There is a saying that life is like a rosary, because it is full of mysteries. No doubt, life consists of millions, billions of reality. Some are already discovered by our curious mind. But some remain hidden in the vast sea of knowledge.

We already made thousands of studies and formulated subjects to understand the mystery of life. Different branches of science, mathematics, philosophy are created with their own specialization just to answer our inquiry about our past, present and future.

But what we really wanted are not terminologies to be memorized but reasons to be unlocked to find the meaning of life. We want to know the purpose why we are here? Why we are in this situation? Why is this happening? Life is a big big question of WHY!

Maybe we don't ask these in times of our greatest joy. But these WHY's haunts us at the very moment of our deepest sorrow after our great joy.

What is your greatest WHY? Did you find the answer? Or until today, we remain in our rooms, searching the whole universe using our minds, looking for an answer, looking for someone who can answer.

Religion mostly gave us some comforting answers in this mystery. We have a God who is the meaning of everything, our purpose, our foundation. But truly, this direct us to another mystery. God Himself is a mystery. Sometimes we just use the idea of God to escape from our situations. We make God responsible to the place where we are now. We answer our WHY's with the reality of destiny, that God puts us here and we have no other choice. The question of purpose is now pointed to God.

Are the WHY's eliminated in this way? No. Actually they grow more, add more! The difference is, we have now someone to blame. God is the blaming one.

What do I suggest? Not to believe in God? Or be an agnostic and stop believing that God is the very meaning of life? No. I am not encouraging you to become an atheist or what so ever. But I suggest a new level or a new perspective of looking at life and looking at God as our meaning.

First, one must understand that there are questions that are meant to be answered. And also, questions that remain questions because they do not have answers. Ang saklap naman. Bakit pa naging tanong kung wala din namang sagot? Masyadong hopeless yung mga taong may ganitong sitwasyon. Walang kapag-a-pag-asa! But wait, let us look at our lives in a wider and bigger perspective. May itinuturo sa atin ang ganitong sitwasyon. Questions are meant to be questions because they are meant to be accepted. Acceptance. Pagtanggap. Maraming bagay sa buhay natin na hindi natin matanggap tanggap. It is always hard for our hearts to accept things that don't go on our way. If we never learn to accept, we will never learn to move on in this life. Hindi ba ito 'yung tinuturo sa atin kapag may exam sa school? Kapag hindi mo masagutan ang isang tanong magproceed ka sa susunod na tanong. Wag mong ubusin ang oras mo sa tanong na yun. Move on. Questions are meant to be questions right now, but soon you'll find the answer because it is meant to be answered on the next chapter. Learn to accept a mystery in your life. It will teach you to move on and find a better purpose in this world.

Secondly, acceptance must lead us to the reality that we are limited beings. We are just a dust in the vast universe. Tuldok ka lang. So, things don't always go on our way. There are times in our life that what we wanted will not happen. So, destiny is true, and we are deprive of our freedom. Wala tayong choice. No. This world consists of conflicting choices. If each one of us will always demand our own will, then we will be in great chaos. E lahat tayo gustong manalo sa lotto. Edi piso piso nalang ang hatian sa dami natin. True freedom is about choosing what is right and what is good. A prisoner, who both feet and hands are tied can be free. As long as he proclaims the truth and above the all, he finds the value and goodness of life inspite of his situation. Victor Frankl, a psychologist told us that, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." Things may not go on your own way but you may do better choices in your inner disposition. Accept that you are limited but free to be positive, to be an answer on your own question.

It is not just why... Transform your WHY's into HOW! Paano? Huwag ka lang magtanong, kumilos ka para masagot ang tanong!