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AN ETERNAL LIFE IS NOT A PERFECT LIFE.

You wake up. You get ready. You go to work. The same people greet you on the way, the same stores and the same cars and the same buildings all line the same streets you walk down. You do the same things on your same computer in your same cubicle as you did yesterday, as you did a week ago, as you’ve done since this all began. You eat the same thing when you get back home, flip through the same TV channels, and go to bed at the same time that night. You’ve always been here. This is just your place. Stuck. Some go forward, and others back, but you’re just here. And you’ll never be anywhere else. ⠀⸻⠀ a fan’s analysis on JIHU’s place in The Looplore, circa 2021.

( 知夏. KNOWING SUMMER. )⠀⠀Born into a household that was so loud it was a struggle and a half to get a word in edgeways, Jihu has always felt he’s just been.. There. The quiet one in the corner, watching everything as it passes. And really, it was only a matter of time before the walls started closing in too much, before he felt as if he was going to start cracking right down the middle if he didn’t do something soon, if he didn’t do something fast—and that was how he ended up in the auditions room, racing against a clock that wasn't really there. That didn’t change even when he was given his place in the group, always too ready to run at the slightest inkling that he’s about to go back to the one forgotten, the one left behind. He’ll move until there’s no ground left beneath his feet, and even then he’ll claw at the air on the way down.⠀⠀( ILL-CONSIDERED. OVEREAGER. FERVANT. BENEVOLENT. I BELONG here. I can’t tell you how good that feels. )

GIVEN NAME Hae Jihu.⠀OTHER ALIASES Jiha (nickname).⠀BIRTHDATE 17 / 02 / 01.⠀PROFESSION idol, songwriter.⠀GROUP POSITIONS vocalist, sub rapper.⠀ETHNICITY Korean.⠀NATIONALITY South Korean.⠀FACE CLAIM Choi Jiung.

LET THE MUSIC DO THE TALKING.

WAKE UP ╱ LET’S LEAVE is a double-sided single released by the sub-unit ‘LOOPiN HERE&THERE,’ made up of members JIHU and O.Z. Released in early June 2023, both tracks were written as a collaborative effort between them, with the production mostly falling on the latter’s shoulders while JIHU only accompanied in the final mastering of the two tracks. The singles were accompanied by a short MV, more of a collection of colourful scenes than any coherent storyline, and were what JIHU referred to as a ‘passion project,’ although whether he meant for him or for both of them was unclear.

While he’s not officially part of nor particularly affiliated with the produce line, Jihu still dabbles in it—but mostly in his own time. His tendency to leave projects half-finished, always jumping from one thing to the next as soon as the next strike of inspiration hits, isn’t always one that meshes well with his fellow group members. All of these snippets, however long, live on his SoundCloud, underneath the username ‘baejha17.’ Some of these capsules of split-second thought and feeling include ‘holdOn,’ ‘COMI,’ ( with J.J taking up the bulk of the vocals ) and ‘되감기’ ( meaning rewind ). He hasn’t had an official solo debut other than his 2018 release ‘GO BACK’ before the group was properly formed, but the ( occasionally incomplete ) songs had been coming thick and fast throughout most of 2024, only petering out towards the end, and that seemed to have satisfied those wanting a full own-project enough for the time being.

WAIT A MiNUTE.. STOP! RECORD SCRATCH!

APRIL 2025.⠀Posted without warning, without explanation. It got people talking, had them confused—and just as much, theorising. An official solo debut? A campaign announcement? ( Although, when asked for what, those who’d suggested the idea came up short ). Are you even real? The line, for some, felt like a callback to the long-abandoned Looplore, and so many an old analysis on all of the loosely-tied-together content was dug back up again so they could comb over it, desperate to find something within it that they may have missed; something that may give them the answer to this singular ( and unhelpfully blank ) jigsaw piece placed before them.

Back in the same place on the same day doing the same things. It starts to mess with your mind, after a while. What are you doing all of this for, anyway? Why can’t you just—not? Would it really be so bad to walk down the wrong streets, skip work, eat out for the night? Come on, you know you want to. What do you mean, you’re not allowed? Break out. Prove your existence, even if you’re the only one who’ll know about it. They’re going back, or moving forward, and you’re left to watch. This might be your only chance. ⠀⸻⠀ fan-theory on the thought process behind AYER?

So.. What was it? Well. When there’s a glitch on your screen, a crack in the system ( someone’s broken out, someone’s taken the chance ), then I guess you’ll know. But for now, you can only wonder.

The core four of JAGUAR’s main creative team (presently headed, of course, mainly by creative director Choi Eunhee)—that being their two main producers, their head stylist, and main choreographer—consists of Seol Daejin, Kwak Joosun, Son Sebin, and finally Yoon ‘Vicki’ Miryung. Both Joosun and Sebin have been with the company since 2012, the year of YOON’s debut, despite their ages (19 and 18, respectively). Miryung came on four years later, in 2016, shortly before JUST4U’s disbandment and after then-soloist Daejin’s debut date under SM Entertainment. He only lasted three years before going back to his producer roots and leaving for JAGUAR in 2019—the same year former ALGORYHTHM members Jalen and Haeil did the same—and completing the team most know today.

Seeing as it took them a good seven years to be brought together, and there’s a smaller gap of three years between JUST4U’s debut and Joosun and Sebin’s arrivals, a few people have asked the question of this: Who was doing it all before them? And, the answer is simply that no one knows, except from maybe a few of the main executives and the people themselves. The first few years of JUST4U’s discography are largely uncredited production, composition, and arrangement wise, and the only names that get mentioned are Yeseul’s and Insu’s themselves—they took on the lyrics themselves most of the time, and on a few occasions contributed to the production process also. These ghost producers are likely due to the fact that JAGUAR, in 2009, was still very new in the idol scene (only two years into it after jumping ship from the PR business in 2007). Quick payments for releases most likely seemed easier than spending the time building a dedicated team from the ground up—which is also likely why Joosun and Sebin were hired so young and so early into their careers.

They’ve all grown alongside the artists, and have all grown particularly close to CHERRYADE over the months they’ve spent working with them. Below is an overview on each.

Dead-eyed, perpetually bored, and at times too dry for his own good, people usually avoid making conversation with Joosun at all opportunities possible. And sure, he’s only really there to do his job, but making nice while doing so has never been something he’d be opposed to. He actually thinks he can be pretty funny when you get to know him. Not that many ever make it to that stage.

Joosun never wanted to be in the spotlight. All Joosun ever wanted in the music world was to be used as what he believed he was: an asset. A cog in the machine, sure—but an essential one. Something that things just wouldn’t feel right running without. He grew up the primary caretaker for his three younger siblings while his mother racked up credit card debt and his father lay in ashes, sealed in a columbarium that he never bothered to visit on any separate occasions other than the day they went to put him there, and if you asked him he’d tell you that was where the need to be needed came from.

Others may say they were drawn to music as a child and that was why they chose to pursue it, but Joosun never really found the time for that. The most he interacted with music as a child was through the radio and when he was making up tunes on his youngest sister’s toy piano for her entertainment. He wasn’t an experienced musician—much less an experienced producer—in the slightest by the time he was desperately searching for jobs of all kinds, and the only reason JAGUAR took him on in the first place is because they’d come to the realisation that they couldn’t keep hiring no-names to make music for them and then keep their mouths shut about it. Joosun called it mutual desperation, Seungdae called him a ‘baby bird they could nurture.’ The man had been weird since the day they met.

He learned on the job, and his first few mixes were nothing short of abysmal. It took a lot of overtime and a lot of begging for lessons from his newfound contacts in an industry he knew next to nothing about to get him on track to becoming the artist he is now, and he’s thankful he’s managed to dig out a space for himself in the music world. If he could give his sound a colour, it would be red—a deep, dark, wine shade. Mature, promiscuous, dark, at times. But it’s less of a case of that being all he knows (he experimented with just about everything on his journey to find what really fit him) and more a case of that being what’s his. He’s best at it, he flourishes within it, and he knows his way around it even with his eyes closed. It’s glaringly obvious whenever you’re listening to anything Joosun, and that’s just the way he likes it.

NAME⠀ㅇ⠀KWAK JOOSUN  ( 곽주선. )

BORN⠀ㅇ⠀FEBRUARY 17,  1993

POSITION⠀ㅇ⠀PRODUCER

PLAYED BY⠀ㅇ⠀CHOI WONBIN

Accommodating but no-nonsense, Daejin is always considered the kinder of the two producers. He always has a few words of encouragement even if on the inside he thinks you’re awful, always delivers any criticism he does deem nice enough to say out loud with a sweet smile and little motivational fist-pump, and never fails to get at least one smile out of whoever’s he’s worked with that day. His own dreams of being an idol might not have worked out, but as long as he can help others in their own careers he’s happy. 

A child of divorce, Daejin turned to music (and basketball) as a semi-coping mechanism to block out all the arguing before the split became official. The last he saw of his father was the month before his seventh birthday, sitting beside him on the balcony of their cramped flat with his legs dangling through the gaps in the railing while the man smoked through a pack and gave him some half-hearted life advice. Take care of your mother. Try and get along with your older brothers. Do something with your life. He did his best to follow along with it all, although the second was the hardest. Him and his oldest brother had next to nothing in common, constantly coming to blows, so for the most part he stuck to his older brother or kept to himself. They only became closer during the messy divorce period, while his parents were duking it out over custody and money. That was also where he really got into music, picking up both the guitar and the keyboard as things he could teach himself to keep himself busy when his mind was driving him crazier than usual.

He was never all that academically inclined, bunking off to shoot hoops or waste away the day’s hours in arcades for the majority of his school years—but his mother didn’t really care. She would’ve been more surprised if he was a perfect student, seeing as her two children before him were just as unwilling to show up to school. SM came about when he was thinking about what to do to make good on the ‘do something with your life’ part of his father’s advice. It was quite a rash decision, but it involved music, and if it went well he could safely say he had done something worthwhile (and, he would admit, he was looking forward to lording it over his brothers if it went well also). He didn’t tell any of his family until he got the confirmation that he’d passed his audition, and then off into trainee life he went. Daejin kept his head down and himself to himself during his two years of training, and was perfectly happy with his solo career as it went on—not just for the success it brought him and fun he was having with it, but also because along the way he got the chance to contribute to it more and more, until by 2018 he was fully self-written and self-produced.

The end of his idol career came about of his own volition. He felt he was content with what he’d produced, grateful for the people he’d met and things he’d accomplished, and simply wanted to step back and focus fully on the aspect he loved most: the production. JAGUAR was only his first choice because he’d been a fan of JUST4U growing up (he still has all their albums to this day), and when they accepted him he was packing his SM bags as quick as he could and happily leaving the idol life behind. It took a while to get through Joosun’s shell, but they’re thick as thieves now. He lives his life making music and having fun doing it, trying out all sorts of genres and sounds but always leaving them that little something that makes them truly his. Daejin’s sound doesn’t have one specific colour, as he likes to think it’s an explosion of every single one of them.

NAME⠀ㅇ⠀SEOL DAEJIN  ( 설대진. )

BORN⠀ㅇ⠀MAY 27,  1998

POSITION⠀ㅇ⠀PRODUCER

PLAYED BY⠀ㅇ⠀MOON SANGMIN

DISCOGRAPHY (2016–18)

JUL 2016⠀CALL YOU TONIGHT⠀(FROM MINI ALBUM: “DIAL TONE”)

DEC 2016⠀TRIGGER⠀(FROM SINGLE: “TRIGGER”)

SEPT 2017⠀WANT FROM ME⠀(FROM MINI ALBUM: “COMPONENT”)

MAY 2018⠀2FACE⠀(FROM FULL ALBUM: “PUZZLE PIECE”)

OCT 2018⠀SOBER THOUGHTS⠀(FROM SINGLE: “SOBER THOUGHTS”)

Stretched so thin you’d think she was a rubber band on the verge of snapping, Sebin treats life like she’s on the run. Constantly moving, always talking, never taking a moment to breathe in fear an idea dissipates or her concentration dissolves. She’s a force of nature when she’s in the zone, but her everyday sunny disposition is one that makes her all too easily likeable. All-around lovely—as long as you don’t get in her way.

Sebin thinks she got all her neuroticism and need for over-perfection from her mother. She hadn’t known much about their state of living as a child, but apparently it meant lots of too-long dinners with other adults she couldn’t remember the name of even if her parents reminded her three times over, wearing clothes that always felt too new to break in, and keeping up appearances at all times. Once she’d grown up, she realised they were just wealthy. Clothing was her father’s business of choice, and she thinks she shares his love for beauty, for seeing visions come to life by their own hands—although for her it channeled in different ways. While he loved intricate stitching and the feel of expensive fabric against his fingers, Sebin was always more enamoured with make-up (although fashion never truly left her heart). The heaps of tubes filled with lipsticks and glosses and mascaras her mother owned (which she helped herself to more than a few times over the years), how one shade could compliment one person and insult another—she felt there was a way to learn it, and she very badly wanted to.

Beauty school felt like her calling, and it only took a little bit of begging for her parents to agree to let her go—with the catch that she’d have to take night classes to get a more standard education alongside it, which she agreed to easily. She enjoyed her time there to the fullest, finally beginning to learn all the ways around the thing she’d been so fascinated with as a child. Of course, she became aware that the standards in Korea weren’t the same everywhere, and so on their yearly summer vacations to whatever foreign country her mother was dying to visit she’d find a way to steal a few afternoons to herself to try and get a few more tips and tricks from people who’d had a completely different perspective on beauty than she had over their years. Broken English and hastily scribbled drawings on the notepad she’d dedicated to carrying around with her was all she could communicate via for the first few years of these trips, but over time she brushed up on a couple languages to have at her disposal also. Sebin was determined to ‘master beauty,’ as she called it, in every way possible. Hairstyles for all types of hair, looks for all types of faces, clothes for every type of body, beauty for every type of person.

Her job at JAGUAR came about due to her want to get out into the real working world, and the idol industry was the best fit for her dream. Her looks on people’s faces? On their bodies as they performed for all their fans to see? She would do anything for it, and when she walked into the interview room she said just that, eagerness spilling out of mouth as she spoke a mile a minute. She jumped for joy (literally) when she was accepted, and threw her all into the job from the first day. Her and Yeseul got along like a house on fire from the first time they met, which was another thing she was over the moon about. Sure, getting to know Insu and Yoonhae was a little hard at first, and she felt a tad intimidated by Joosun, but she soon warmed up to all of them, and they did the same with her in kind. Her and Joosun got particularly close, seeing as they were the only official creative team members at the time—everything else being mostly outsourced—and he’s still one of her closest friends today. While she’d ditched the rather childish dream of ‘mastering beauty’ a while ago, what she gets to do today is everything she’d hoped for and more.

NAME⠀ㅇ⠀SON SEBIN  ( 손세빈. )

BORN⠀ㅇ⠀JULY 8,  1994

POSITION⠀ㅇ⠀STYLIST

PLAYED BY⠀ㅇ⠀HEO YOUNGJI

Often referred to as Joosun’s female counterpart (if he ever went down the dance route), Miryung—or Vicki, as she uses at work—has quickly become known for her gruelling sessions and little sympathy for stragglers. She’s perfectly pleasant after work hours are over (if a tad standoffish at first), but if the only place you’ve been face-to-face is the studio, then chances are you don’t like her much.

Miryung doesn’t quite know where she got her tough-loving nature from. Her mother and father were as doting as they could afford to be when mostly living paycheck to paycheck in order to support both her and her younger brother, and it wasn’t as if she was put through any particular torment at school. But her brother was bullied quite relentlessly, and so she got used to pulling her hair back and getting sharper acrylics in order for it to hurt more when she went to scratch and kick and belittle the perpetrators right back, so she supposed it may have rooted around that time. Her skin got thicker and her eyes got colder, and in some ways she became a bully right back—but she didn’t let herself think about that too hard. She was just doing the right thing as a sister, even if her acts of violence were sometimes a little too far over the top.

As she grew older, she realised that maybe putting all the pent up anger she seemed to be housing into something else would be better, and that was how she found dance. She found a class, picked it up quick and got better quicker, and by fourteen she was standing in as an assistant instructor for the younger kid’s classes on weekends. That was where the desire to teach came from, too. She saw more and more people like herself over the years, people just looking for an escape or to channel everything negative brewing inside them into something more productive, something better for their peace of mind. Her mean streak calmed down the more and more she threw herself into both performing and teaching every style of dance she could think of, although her no-nonsense way of teaching remained—she found it was just.. Easier to keep it that way. Praise and comfort never fell easy from her mouth, always sounded too stilted to be genuine.

JAGUAR came about when Miryung was looking to expand her teaching abilities at places other than the multiple classes she was now handling as a nineteen year old. She wasn’t about to bite off more than she could chew, so a relatively small scale company was what she was looking for—and found, in JAGUAR. Wrangling trainees into shape was easy after all the practice she’d had, however rude they were to start with. What was first simple instructing soon began to morph into choreographing, and after years of making up routines for her classes to follow along with that didn’t come as any particular hurdle either. She felt like she’d finally found her true calling, something she was born to do. That’s where Vicki came from—victory. She’d won.

NAME⠀ㅇ⠀YOON ‘VICKI’ MIRYUNG  ( 윤미령. )

BORN⠀ㅇ⠀APRIL 30,  1997

POSITION⠀ㅇ⠀CHOREOGRAPHER

PHONE CALL TRANSCRIPT. 20/12/2024.

[WORRIED, UNSURE,]  “Did you hear?”

⠀⠀(A LITTLE CALMER, BUT CLEARLY STILL KNOCKED OFF GUARD,)  “Of course I did. Jaeyoung swung by straight after. How the fuck.. What d’you think’s gonna happen?”

[HE’S CHOPPY, STOPPING AND STARTING,]  “I don’t—I don’t know. I have no idea. Maybe they’ll just.. Leave him out? It’s happened with other groups—happened with Minhui’s old group, even if what happened to that guy was nothing like this. And then he’ll just.. He’ll just come back after. Right? I don’t know. I just don’t want it to end up like..”

⠀⠀(KNOWING,)  “Like last time.”

[ALMOST THANKFUL HE DIDN’T HAVE TO SAY IT HIMSELF,]  “Yeah. Yeah. Not like last time. Anything but that. God, ‘Yun was.. They all were, at least a little—it was awful.”

⠀⠀“Do you want me to be honest?”

[A PAUSE. RELUCTANTLY,]  “You might as well.”

⠀⠀“We don’t know how bad it is, yet. He could be fine in a couple months. But even then.. If the shit Jaeyoung was telling me is true? They’re gonna hate each other for a few more. And, sure, they’ve been on rough terms during comeback season before, but it’s just like you said—it’s never been like this. At this point they might as well just start dishing out the units and solos, because I don’t know how else they’re gonna avoid the time stretching out like it did last time.”

[SIGHING, LONG AND LOUD. A MUFFLED SOUND—LIKE HE’S RUNNING HIS HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR, HARD,]  “This is so fucked, man.”

⠀⠀(A LAUGH, ALTHOUGH HUMOURLESS,)  “You’re telling me.”

“I mean, even Yijun was freaking out a little. This is just—I don’t know. I think I’d rather have a rerun of the reunion fight over this.”

⠀⠀“At least that was entertaining.”

[A FEW MOMENTS PASS—AN ATTEMPT AT TAKING IN WHAT’S JUST HAPPENED.]

⠀⠀“You wanna crash tonight?”

[A FLURRY OF MOVEMENT—FOOTSTEPS, KEYS JANGLING, AN EXHALE OF SOMETHING LIKE RELIEF,]  “Already on my way.”

[THEY SHARE A LAUGH—A REAL ONE, THIS TIME. THE CALL DROPS.]

RE: BG—A (Sad!) Update. Sender  Ae Seungdae Recipients  JAGUAR STAFF <[email protected]> Date  22nd December, 2024.  08:21 PM

I’m sure you all know (via witnessing the event yourself, or word of mouth) what’s happened to Jaehee by now. My heart goes out to him! Jaeyoung—make sure to send him a box of chocolates on my behalf. Anyway, I think it’s best we hold off on Broken Glass for now. Would it really hurt to push it back a little longer? It’s not like the songs are going anywhere. They’ll be back and better by.. Whenever they’re back and better. The time will give the others a chance to cool off as well.

With love from your favourite CEO, Ae Seungdae.

RE: ???? Sender  Son Sebin Recipients  Seol Daejin <[email protected]>  Kwak Joosun <[email protected]> Date  22nd December, 2024.  08:25 PM

What the hell happened to Jaehee?

RE: RE: ???? Sender  Kwak Joosun Recipients  Son Sebin <[email protected]>  Seol Daejin <[email protected]> Date  22nd December, 2024.  08:27 PM

Did you seriously just ask me that over email?

RE: Found someone! Sender  Bom Kyuri Recipients  Doh Sungki <[email protected]> Date  25th December, 2024.  11:37 AM

Will he do? Seems pretty interested in keeping up with us—been around for a while, too. I’m still not entirely sure how you intend to make this work, but it’s close enough to what you asked for. Take it or leave it!

Sending smiles, Bom Kyuri.

RE: RE: Found someone! Sender  Doh Sungki Recipients  Bom Kyuri <[email protected]> Date  25th December, 2024.  11:45 AM

Merry Christmas to you, too. He’ll do fine—perfect, actually. I think he looks familiar. Did he used to hang around with Yoonhae, or am I going crazy? Anyway, thanks. I’ll buy you a coffee, or something.

And also, what’s with that send-off? Sungki.

RE: HJI—update! Sender  Bom Kyuri Recipients  Doh Sungki <[email protected]> Date  26th December, 2024.  01:04 PM

He did used to hang around with Yoonhae, you’re right! I’ve just found some old pictures. Only in his trainee and earlier years, though—there’s nothing past 2015. Maybe they fought. But whatever the case, he should still work fine. Do as you will, it’s all on you from here. I still can’t really believe you’re actually wanting to do this at all. And I think I’ll pass on that coffee.

Sending less smiles, Bom Kyuri.

RE: RE: HJI—update! Sender  Doh Sungki Recipients  Bom Kyuri <[email protected]> Date  26th December, 2024.  11:52 PM

I knew it. Thanks again, he really will work well. This actually feels pretty exciting. I’ll get it done by the end of the month, and hopefully he’ll follow suit—and from there it might snowball, which I guess is the intended effect.. Are you sure you don’t want a treat on me? 

I see what you did there. Message received. Sungki.

PHONE CALL TRANSCRIPT. 30/12/2024.

⠀⠀“Hello?”

[AN UNSURE PAUSE.]  “Uh, hello? Who is this? How did you get my number?”

⠀⠀(UNAFFECTED,)  “Friend of a friend. You’re Hwan Junil, right? The one who runs that blog?”

[HE’S EVEN MORE CONFUSED, NOW. A LITTLE GUARDED,]  “Sure. Why do you wanna know? And what friend are you even talking about? What’s your name?”

⠀⠀“Does it really matter that much to you?”

[ALMOST DUMBFOUNDED,]  “It does if you call me up out of nowhere. And you know my name. Are you gonna try and tell me I owe your boss some money? And then beat me up?”

⠀⠀“You’ve been watching too many dramas. ⠀⠀(TRYING FOR CONVINCING,)  I have something I think you might want! Or at least want to hear about.”

“Like what?”

⠀⠀“Your boy group, obviously. Cherryade.”

[DISBELIEVING,]  “Dude, just write into the blog if you apparently already know about it. Seriously, how did you get my number?”

⠀⠀(BORDERING ON EXASPERATED,)  “I just did! Can you just hear me out?”

[A PAUSE, AS IF HE’S CONSIDERING.]

[AFTER A SIGH, COMMITTING TO THE ABSURDITY,]  “Fine. Spill it. But don’t say a dating scandal, or I’ll just hang up right now.”

⠀⠀“God, finally. It’s about their third album. They’re scrapping it—completely. Everything was pretty much lined up, but then something went wrong, and now it’s all gone to shit. It was meant to come out next month, but that’s not happening now. The tracks were all mostly mastered, the video was about halfway done, the teasers just about ready to drop.. But it’s just being tossed out.”

[A SCOFF,]  “You’re lying.”

[SILENCE. A BEAT. ANOTHER.]

“What, really? How do you know?”

⠀⠀(ALMOST A SMILE IN HIS VOICE,)  “You won’t believe me.”

“I’m not really sure I believe any of it. One more lie won’t hurt.”

⠀⠀“I work at Jaguar.”

“Fuck off.”

⠀⠀“I told you that you wouldn’t believe me. But I’m being honest.”

[AS IF HE’S CHOOSING HIS WORDS CAREFULLY,]  “Let’s just—say I do believe you. What am I meant to do with this? I can’t just say ‘oh, a friend of a friend told me the boys’ album got scrapped.’ Then I’d be the one getting stoned. So.. What now?”

⠀⠀(AFFRONTED,)  “I have proof, obviously!”

[TAKEN ABACK,]  “For real?”

⠀⠀“I wouldn’t just say all that shit just to not back it up, are you crazy?”

“Dude. I don’t know you.”

⠀⠀“That’s alright. You don’t need to. But I am telling the truth, and I can walk the talk. It’d take me a couple hours, but I can get everything I just told you about up.”

[A PAUSE.]  “..And then what?”

⠀⠀“Uh, and then you tell your friends, obviously? Your blog? Or keep it to yourself, I can always find someone else. But you really gotta tell someone about this. Anyone. I think the reason why they scrapped it.. I don’t know the whole story, but it isn’t great.”

[HE’S SLOWLY COMING AROUND,]  “You’re gonna send it to me?”

⠀⠀(HALF A LAUGH,)  “No, I’m hanging up. Yes, I’ll send it all. The music. The moodboards. There’s notes they kept on most of it somewhere in there, I think. Hell, I could probably dig up a few emails, too. All in your inbox by, say, tomorrow evening at the latest.”

[IS THIS JUST THE WEIRDEST SCAM CALL OF HIS LIFE? FULLY PLAYING ALONG NOW,]  “Well, then.. I guess I’ll take it.”

⠀⠀(MATTER-OF-FACT,)  “Of course you are. Anyone would.”

“Uh, thanks. I don’t need to pay or anything, right?”

⠀⠀“Well, I wouldn’t be opposed. But that’d just get messy. It’s all on the house.”

[HE’S NEVER BEEN ONE TO PASS UP ON AN OPPORTUNITY.]  “I’ll get it up as soon as I can.”

⠀⠀(SATISFIED,)  “Good.”

[THE LINE GOES DEAD.]

I might not be any sort of music critic, but I am kind of a JAGUAR aficionado. As in, I’ve been here a while. I have a photo with JUST4U from when I was thirteen and attending their debut showcase to prove it. I’m not about to analyse how they layered which vocals over what drum beats, but I can at least make some general comments about my thoughts on the tracks as a whole and how I think people would’ve taken ‘BROKEN GLASS’ if it was actually released to the public later this month as was originally intended. I’ll add in a few of the notes that were included on each track, too—an insight into what the members (and producers, I’m sure) themselves thought of them. The notes in question were colour-coded for convenience (and a little bit of fun), but that’s about it. Not that I don’t think it’s a little obvious as to who’s saying what in some places. Email addresses were also removed, as well as any names within the emails themselves giving clues as to who sent or received them—to save their own skin or grant the members & staff a little more privacy, I’m not sure. Maybe one of them has an embarrassing username they can’t change. But anyway—so it begins.

Named ‘HORRIBLE’ in its MP3 format, but also referred to as ‘TRACK01,’ ‘STICKER,’ and ‘THE FLUTE SONG’ in various notes and emails surrounding it, the first of nine tracks is a wild ride from start to finish. It sets the tone as a clear breakaway from the mainly safe-sounding (in most cases, although of course there’s a few that stick out here and there) sound they’ve been sticking with throughout their career, and opens the door (or it would have, at least) to what the rest of the album entails. Even if it’s.. Different, it still strikes me as distinctly them. Which is always the intention for any music group, I think—to keep that golden thread running through everything, to keep that brand identity that makes the people come back time and time again. Not that they can come back to this, at least not officially, but I like to think there would’ve been SODA BOMBS out there defending this track with their lives, however many death threats they had to make or IP addresses they had to leak to do it. The seven themselves didn’t seem all that taken with it, if the name of the file itself wasn’t any indication, but there were a couple that it appeared to grow on over time. For a title track (because, really, what else could it be?), I think it would’ve come bursting out the gate in an explosion of colour that everyone surely expects of them by now—loud and unforgiving, bright and headache-inducing. Maybe they’d give Gogo a leopard to stroke in the MV, or something. We can only imagine.

NOTES ON ‘TRACK01:’ ‘STICKER.’ DATED FROM 05/08/24—17/09/24.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I’m not singing this. Tough shit. Put your back into it! Open that diaphragm!

that flute sounds better than jaehee wow. never an old joke with you.

i like it i dont care!!!!!!!!!! That makes one of us.

OK, I’ve had enough. It’s done. If anyone writes anything else about this ever again I’m gonna do something drastic. Kiss goodbye to your watermelon ice, or whatever.

EMAILS EXCHANGED BETWEEN.. WELL, I DON’T KNOW. 13/08/24 & 15/08/24.

⠀⠀RE: The Flute Song. Please. Take me off of it. Scrub my name off of it completely. I’ll tell the fans I was really sick or something. I’ll deal with all the hate trains myself if you want. Maybe there won’t even be any hate trains because nobody likes it and they’ll be happy I wasn’t on it. Who knows. Regards, ███.

⠀⠀RE: To All Whom It May Concern. You’re all singing the song! With love from your favourite ██, ████.

The second out of the nine given to me is a lot more.. Palatable? Would that be the word for it? In other words, it’s the classic CHERRYADE sound. Electronic, easily danceable, reminiscent of what we’ve heard in the past—and, most importantly of all, with far less flute. Some would argue it’s the far better choice for a title track than ‘STICKER,’ and to that I’ll say.. Nothing. I like the first track, personally, and I think making a statement is better at catching people’s attention (good or bad—because, as is surely known inside and out by every person working under JAGUAR, “all publicity is good publicity”) than something that, to put it plainly, they feel like they’ve heard somewhere, somehow, before. It’s still good, and I like it a lot, but I think it works best where it is. Like something you’ve known for a while coming to greet you after the rollercoaster ride of the opener. But even if it’s semi-familiar, the catchy chorus still distances itself a little from all that’s come in the past, and the ever-moving instrumental keeps the pace that ‘STICKER’ set (although, again, while the former was unforgiving, relentless, forcing you to keep it on until it stopped, this is more of a steady ride that you could probably jump out of with minor injuries). Referred to otherwise as ‘BUMP&LOVE,’ the reception from the members was pretty much positive across the board, with only a few notes being made (and even they were complimentary).

NOTES ON ‘TRACK02:’ ‘BUMP&LOVE.’ DATED FROM 07/07/2024.

five stars for my favourite ★★★ that’s three stars thank you

Alas, in case you thought ‘TRACK02’ would be leading the return into safer territory, ‘TRACK03’—otherwise referred to as ‘SCARED’ or ‘MIX FROM HELL’—flips that notion on its head from the opening notes. It's tinny, and, uh.. Wobbly? Like the sound laminated paper makes when you wave it around. I think that’s the best way to describe the sound ever-present in the background. But hey, at least it’s not a flute (sorry, I’ll stop with that now). Just like ‘STICKER’ did, ‘TRACK03’ makes it clear that this new sound, this new direction, is (or, would be) here to stay—for this album, at least, because if the people made it clear that if this type of sound stayed, they wouldn’t be, then I’m sure JAGUAR would’ve been quick to change their tune. Or maybe not, actually? God only knows what goes on in the heads of both the Ae Seungdae and his number one yes-man Oh Jitae. Maybe they would’ve decided that they didn’t care what the public thought, and carried CHERRYADE’s career into a noisy end. Again, we can only speculate. The track is almost taunting in its lyricism, demanding listeners to ‘tell me why you really scared now’ all while that relentless backing track plays on, and on, and on. It disappears momentarily in places, but what replaces it is a just-as-strange chiming. Still, I like it. The members seemed to think the same thing, or maybe they just didn’t bother writing down how much they hated it after what they’d expressed their abject hatred of ‘TRACK01’ and were forced to sing it anyway. The producers (Daejin and Joosun) were the ones who seemed to be duking it out for this one, going back-and-forth continually about the track until their discourse abruptly stopped. Perhaps they fought it out hand-to-hand.

NOTES ON ‘TRACK03:’ ‘SCARED.’ DATED FROM 09/08/24—13/09/24.

Who the hell mixed this. You liked it yesterday??! People change.

Beat so bad I started pinching myself to make sure it wasn’t a dream. Oh my god. We get it.

Had to come back and check. But no.. It’s really still here. SHUT UP!!!!!

EMAILS EXCHANGED BETWEEN.. I STILL DON’T KNOW. 16/09/24.

⠀⠀RE: Respectfully—are we for real? Who let him make that? And you seriously greenlit it? When we get driven into homelessness, I hope you know it’s all your fault. And his. Especially his. The last one grew on me, I could handle it, but this is something else.

⠀⠀RE: RE: Respectfully—are we for real? I mean, it’s not like you’re singing it. Just let him have his fun. I think you’ll live.

‘TRACK04,’ also called ‘ROMEO,’ is sort of a doozy. The instrumental is still a little different from the albums and mini-albums of the past, but it falls in line with ‘BUMP&LOVE’ in that it’s not too out there. It’s positively yearning in its lyricism, much more of an emotional track than the three it's preceded by—and that makes it stand out like a sore thumb, except it does sort of fit at the same time. A clash of the old and the new and something entirely different, ‘ROMEO’ is definitely one that I’m sure many would have liked, or at least inspired many (many) ‘who hurt you??!’ tweets from SODA BOMBS after listening. Lamenting over a lover lost, while simultaneously attempting to move past it (the repeating ‘let it all go’ throughout), I’m sure it might strike a few chords with people somewhere. This new direction was generally accepted by the members, no major qualms held over it, but there was a little bit of poking fun at whoever wrote it. Naming no names, but it’s fairly obvious who was doing the prodding, even if the defense against said prodding was believable enough for me to buy it. Again, quite a strike above in terms of what most of the other songs hold within both their instrumentals and the stories told over them, but I still like it. Every album has that one song that fits, but doesn’t at the same time. It’s good enough to look past the not-really lapse in cohesiveness—because, really, with the always-brash, ever-chaotic image that CHERRYADE have curated over the years, does being cohesive even matter?

NOTES ON ‘TRACK04:’ ‘ROMEO.’ DATED FROM 20/09/24—02/10/24.

who asked you to bring your love life into this? ? I’m not. Ever heard of telling a story?

Layer BG vocals. DY? He could hit it if he tried.

Do that stupid dance for me. LDC wasn’t even that hot in that movie.

Called by no other name other than ‘TRACK05,’ (unless you count simply ‘05,’ as it was referred to here and there when they were mentioning it in passing) this one is another stand-out from the rest—but not because it doesn’t fit with the out-there sound the rest of the album is (was) clearly culminating by now. With fairly stripped-back lyrics (although they’re still just as flirty and fun as what’s almost expected of the group by now), the focus here is really what’s going on behind them—the poppy, striking, instrumental that loops perfectly front-to-back is the main player with ‘05.’ The vocals are pitched slightly up throughout, not enough to make them sound childish or whiny, but enough to fit the music it’s building on. Quoting one of the notes left on this track exactly—‘no notes.’ This was a pretty surefire hit with all of them, nothing but praise heaped upon it. Although not as centre-stage as a title track or even the song that would’ve been promoted on the music shows, ‘TRACK05’ would have been (for me, at least) one of those magic B-sides you want to keep to yourself and tuck into as many playlists as you can justify it fitting alongside. In some ways, it sounds older—but not in a dated way, just something that feels like it came long, long before any of the others. And it did! Kind of, anyway. Apparently it was a redo of one of Joosun’s old demos he dug back up from when he was just starting out both as a producer and at JAGUAR. The more you know.

NOTES ON ‘TRACK05:’ ‘05.’ DATED FROM 01/06/24—03/06/24.

i hate to say it, but wow. Are you sure your fingers aren’t bleeding after all that praise?

No notes! None! Release it to the world—now!!

Coming right back to the heavy-hitters, ‘TRACK06’ (aptly named ‘ANTHEMS’ in an email) is spinning the same tale musically as most of its predecessors. While with previous tracks it was on some occasions a one-or-the-other combination, ‘ANTHEMS’ has both the lyrics and the instrumental work together to spin a story about missing the nightlife scene they’ve all been seen within over the years of being active—a throwback to night out at the club, a party where the bass is so loud you feel like it's thrumming in your veins. It’s somewhat yearning in a way ‘ROMEO’ was, although it’s not particularly for any sort of lover—it’s more for a feeling, a place, a drink or two in hand. As much as the music and the colour and the infighting, CHERRYADE is also known for the long stretches of time between albums where they’re just.. Not doing anything. The period between ‘TASTE TEST’ and ‘SWEET (SOUR)’ springs to mind immediately, the group unofficially but very obviously put on hold after the mess that was the JUST4U reunion (oh, to be a fly on the wall when that was happening..). A few have gone on record or hinted on social media that it was a challenging time for them (Doyeon especially, admitting in quite a heartfelt Instagram post that it took a while for him to pick himself back up off the ground during the year away from the idol life, as exhausting as it surely is—which is why I suspect he was involved in this track, as well as maybe Jalen; what with the yearning for the club scene). This was something I’m guessing spoke to the group as a whole, as there’s no complaints to be heard. Liked all-around, even if there was some apprehension on whether or not to include it in the project.

NOTES ON ‘TRACK06:’ ‘ANTHEMS.’ DATED FROM 28/08/24—06/09/24.

Give me that drunk cigarette! Is that a compliment?

i think i shed a tear… we all saw you shedding tears.

EMAILS EXCHANGED.. WHY AM I STILL SAYING THAT? 01/09/24.

⠀⠀RE: ‘ANTHEMS’—is it a goer? ███ seems to think so, I know that much (he won’t stop going on about it), but I just wanted to check. This is definitely going on there, right? I mean.. It’s the best out of all of them, in my opinion. Especially after the shit show that N03 is. And ███, if you thumbs-down react to this, I’m gonna set your alarm for 5:30. Anyway—this could be the title track, if you ask me.

⠀⠀RE: RE: ‘ANTHEMS’—is it a goer? Did you seriously just ask if it was a goer? ████’s been playing it all week, it’s driving me insane. I never thought I’d get sick of ██’s voice, but if I hear it any more then I just might. It’s definitely going on there.

Circling right back around to the likes of ‘BUMP&LOVE’ and ‘SCARED,’ ‘TRACK07’ is.. I wouldn’t say classic, but definitely more of the conventional CHERRYADE sound than the last three tracks before it (although, of course, the dramatic change in instrumental from verse to pre-chorus rings true with the new direction the sound has been taking thus far, with an up-and-down drum beat alongside their vocals). Referred to otherwise as ‘CRUSH,’ I think it’s prime promoted B-side material (like a glad reprieve for those who wouldn’t have been the biggest fans of ‘STICKER,’ what with their softer vocals and generally less relentless sound). I like it, and it appears most of the members did too, even if they did make fun of the drop and the producer who put it together (I’m pointing the finger at Daejin, after his hand in ‘SCARED’). I know I said that a group like CHERRYADE aren’t really the ones who are all that bothered about crafting every album as a perfectly-cohesive project that loops well from start-to-finish, tells a story that has a beginning, middle, and end, but personally I think that the back-and-forth between the more out-there (‘STICKER,’ ‘ROMEO,’ ‘TRACK05,’) and the more things-you’re-used-to (‘BUMP&LOVE,’ and now ‘CRUSH’) is semi-connected in of itself. It’s here, and then it’s there. It’s what you’re used to and then a slap in the face—and then a soothing hand to guide you back to the things you know, before that hand then shoves you off a cliff again. I just.. I like it. To be honest, it sucks that this is never going to see the official light of day, but I’m also grateful it fell into my hands. A catch-22 sort of situation, maybe?

NOTES ON ‘TRACK07:’ ‘CRUSH.’ DATED FROM 19/08/24—27/08/24.

CRUSH. Alright. I get that. What’s with the construction work in the background? Took the words right out of my mouth.

there isn’t gonna be some really stupid choreo to go along with this, right?? you couldn’t dance it anyway you are literally not funny.

I’m seriously gonna lock you out of the studio. What the hell is this? When the fans love it I’m gonna follow you around to laugh in your face all day!

With sounds somewhat calling back to ‘SCARED’ (which I’m sure Joosun loved), ‘TRACK08’—otherwise called ‘CHAIN’—is quite a rap-line heavy song, which I like. The vocalists still pull their weight and more, though, especially with the high-note later on (which I think is Hasun? Crazy work!), and it all comes together in something that is both very much different from their previous work, but a very enjoyable ride anyway. It’s.. Sort of ‘STICKER’ reminiscent, but it sounds a little rawer, a little more unpolished—which, make no mistake, I like a lot. Another one I’m betting SODA BOMBS would be doing their utmost to defend, fighting tirelessly against the ‘useless noise music’ allegations with a lot of creatively-worded threats and the like. Lyrically, they’re as confident as they have been in the past and have been earlier in the album, spouting lines such as ‘rhythm, beat, melody, we make you so crazy’—which is undoubtedly true, although whether you want to take ‘crazy’ positively or negatively is really up to you. Reactions in terms of the members were a mixed bag (also similar to ‘STICKER,’ although the like-it-to-hate-it ratio wasn’t nearly as awful as it was for the title track), and for once Joosun wasn’t the one doing the dunking on the production. There was a little toss-up over email between this and ‘CRUSH’ as to which should be the promoted B-side, but ultimately ‘CRUSH’ won out—maybe they thought two songs full of noise that wasn’t as easily-listenable as it had been in the past would’ve been too much. Although, personally, I would’ve enjoyed it.

NOTES ON ‘TRACK08:’ ‘CHAIN.’ DATED FROM 15/09/24—02/010/24.

We can’t keep letting him get away with this. Honestly? I like it. FINALLY!

five MORE stars for my favourite ★★★★★ thank you ◡̈

I guess anything’s better than the flute. I don’t really think they’re as bad as you all keep saying they are. Your leader’s spoken! His words are final! They’re both good!

EMAILS EXCHANGED—25/09/24 & 27/09/24.

⠀⠀RE: Coin Toss! Chain or Crush? That is the question! But I think I better leave this one to the experts—which ‘C’ should be the ‘B’? Well, I guess they’re all ‘B’s.. Let me know! But don’t keep me waiting too long. Time’s-a-ticking, and all that. With love from your favourite ██, ████.

⠀⠀RE: CRUSH. I think we’ll go with the latter. Chain can be the surprise not-Sticker, or something. We don’t need to scare off all of the fans at once—that can wait until after they’ve listened to the whole album.

Last of the tracks given to me, we have ‘TRACK09’—or rather, ‘WHERE’S YOUR HEAD AT?’—and.. It’s definitely earned its place here on the ‘BROKEN GLASS’ album. Persistent, ear-ringing, and just as unyielding as the likes of ‘STICKER’ and ‘CHAIN,’ it’s certainly one that sticks in your head long after the first listen, and that’s not just because of the hounding instrumental (which I’m 99% sure is a Joosun concoction)—a neverending siren following you for the majority of the track, pitched up and down but still there and unwilling to leave you alone. Lyrically it’s much more simple for the most part, until the second verse, wherein you get hit with the line ‘you have now found yourself trapped in the incomprehensible maze.’ Which, uh.. A little bleak? The members seemed to think so too, if the commentary had anything to say about it. It does invoke the sort of mindlessness feeling you might get after staring at all things CHERRYADE for too long, though.. Too much colour, all that noise, everything everywhere all of the time with no time given for a chance to catch your breath. But still—some people like that, me included. Coming back once more to that theme of cohesiveness, I like that ‘WHERE’S YOUR HEAD AT?’ leaves you right back where you began the album with ‘STICKER.’ Loud, unforgiving, a final shot to the chest right next to where the first one hit you. And again, even if it’s so different to what they’ve done before, I still feel like it’s them. The golden thread in their case is more of a multicoloured one, covered in sugar and sour to the taste, but I honestly think it still runs unbroken throughout the nine tracks of ‘BROKEN GLASS.’

NOTES ON ‘TRACK09:’ ‘WHERE’S YOUR HEAD AT?’ DATED FROM 18/11/24—01/12/24.

That random line? Who wanted to get existential? Existential, my ass. He probably got that shit from a wannabe profound indie movie. It’s a bit of a brainworm, though. Where’s your head at!!!

my new alarm.. Not when your room’s right next to mine, it isn’t.

Anyway, that’s it for the music side. I’m not entirely sure if there was intended to be a tenth track, seeing as they’ve had full albums where one is just a shorter intro rather than an actual song before, but as the nine-song-long project it is currently (and I guess it’ll stay as.. Forever?) I like it. It works. Would’ve worked, for me, if it was ever put out officially. The other big thing I was given were visions. Not actual ones, because I’m not quite sure how that would work over email, but moodboard-type things on what the intended styling and general look for the era was going to be, presumably put together by the likes of Son Sebin (the head stylist) and, of course, Choi Eunhee (JAGUAR’s creative director). They’re both, like ‘BROKEN GLASS’ musically, the same but different to how all of their previous eras looked before. It’s still colourful (that’s the one thing I’m sure CHERRYADE will never go without), still very much filled with charms and trinkets and accessories, but there are also a few elements that stand out to me as being something fairly new. Again, I’m more than glad I was the one to receive all of this, but I still wish we could’ve actually seen it in action. Maybe some talented editors could have a go at pasting the outfits onto their fansite music show photos from past eras.

In terms of colours, going off of the reference sheet, it both calls back to ‘SWEET (SOUR)’ in some places, and moves forward in others. It looks darker, for the most part, a clear shift in direction to fully cement this as a new era. Screens, cities, blurry figures, a glittering makeup palette—someone’s on the move, someone’s headed for a night out at a club where they play music so harsh you go home with your ears ringing, but you’re already planning to head back again next weekend. Close-ups and duo shots, it looks to get a lot more up close and personal, like you’re squeezed for space right next to them in the apartment bathroom, all trying to add those final touches to your hair or glitter to your cheeks; pressing those coloured contacts in before somebody else grabs you by the arm and yanks you outside and pushes you into the taxi waiting in the night. They’re no strangers to the clubbing feel of their concepts, referenced or implied multiple times throughout their past eras, and so again I think this links back to the golden thread—flashing back to the old, but at the same time passing you a flask on the car ride to the new. There were no notes included from the members on this, but there were a few excerpts from Eunhee on what her intentions were for the project and how it should look, taken from what was called her ‘Q1 2025 Project Book.’ How they dug that up, I don’t know—and don’t want to know. All I hope is that it was all very above-board (although.. I doubt it).

Q1 2025 Project Book⸻Broken Glass Photoshooting Ref. Sheet.

Shot mainly on black. Just to give it a bit of an edge—but don’t lean too far into that word, because turning around and trying to sell them as wannabe gangsters when people have seen them dancing in pastel overalls and tanghulu headbands is never going to work. It should still be fun, still be poppy, still be colourful and in-your-face, but just with an added something. It’s a new era now, so it should reflect that. Shove back the purple a little, maybe push forward the pinks, yellows? More dynamic posing, couple and group them up and get in closer—you’re part of the group, dancing alongside them in some stupid club. Nowhere near indie sleaze, but it’s still the party scene. Eyeshadow, glitter, smudged lipstick, whatever. They’ve got the features, and they need to be used. Eyes and mouths on screens, bubblegum popping, lollipop sticks hanging out of their mouths—although at this point I doubt a cigarette would do much damage to their public image anyway, so it could be tried. Sets could be fun, but runs the risk of making it a little overcrowded. The backseat of a car, a bathroom, somewhere with mirrors, but that’s it. Save the actual club set for the music video, or something.

Styling for this era seemed quite free, but I think that’s just because the notes I was given were quite early-stage—more of throwing ideas at a wall and seeing which ones stuck rather than a set list of designers, accessories, materials (although leather looks to be a fairly prominent notion), etc. Eunhee’s passage seems to reflect that, too, but even if it’s nothing what the intended final project was to look like, I still like the initial visions put together. It’s still colourful, of course, and still includes some elements of accessorising that CHERRYADE have been seen to don many a time in the past (such as large and very decorated acrylic nails, which would’ve been very fun to see them wearing), but it also leans away from that somewhat to focus on something simpler. Maybe they thought that if they’d be performing ‘STICKER,’ then parading the members around in hordes of necklaces and backpacks and flip-phones and the like would be a little too much for the viewer to take in at one time (which, to be honest, makes sense). There are also elements of duos in the styling reference sheet, so maybe they were intending to have a few of them match outfits on stage on a few occasions, which would’ve been fun to see in terms of who they paired who with (especially if they tried to make Yijun and Jaehee do a couple look. I can only imagine the scathing looks the former would be giving Sebin as she showed it off backstage).

Q1 2025 Project Book⸻Broken Glass Styling Ref. Sheet.

EARLY VERSION. More of an intended springboard than anything concrete. But, to be honest, I’m almost tempted to say ‘free reign’ and see where that lands us. It’s not like you have a dress code for a night out in the city. Leaning into the pink again could be fun, as well as bringing out some fur or animal skin (Minhui would be all over it). Not looking to go too big on accessories, either, but that’s more for an attempt at realism—do you really wanna wear tons of necklaces and dangly keychains when you’re gonna be dancing all night to some bad EDM remix of an old Top 40 hit? We could play it more androgynous—I have some nail sets that could be tried out if we made them promise not to try and poke each other’s eyes out with them, and I found one of Yeseul’s old FEELING SWEET outfits the other day.. We’ll see. Their hair can be dyed bioluminescent for all I care, as long as it’s fun—extensions, spikes, all of that. Eyewear? I don’t know anyone who wears sunglasses in the club, but maybe we can throw realism out of the window for that one. Need to send this over to Sumi for revisions.

Here I am, doing the long-ago (eight months ago, to be specific) mentioned standing and applauding. You can’t see me, but I just took a break from my laptop and did just that. Honest.

Yes, you heard me. Kil Jiyeol (of BONSOIR fame, for about a year and a half) is, against all odds, starting his very own label. Announced only a few days ago—the 26th of September, in fact, on its brand new Twitter (or rather, X? Not that I want to call it that) account in the mid-morning. The name of this new chapter in his life is named, as you may have either guessed from my title or seen for yourself, is BEAT BACK. But they’re not aiming to be an entertainment company like JAGUAR, or SM, or any others that house your favourite acts. In his own words, from a rather heartfelt informal-interview-style video posted over on his Instagram (another thing I was admittedly wrong about him not touching again, but at least I was right for about eight months):

“I’m not aiming for us to end up being this big conglomerate, or anything. I mean, sure, we’ll have groups, but there won’t be much.. Content. You know, like a variety show, or an excursion, or whatever. We do the music, the concept, the distribution, all that, and they can do everything else. Why would I give a [—] if one of them wants to post a video of them out in some club? If they’re seen with other people? Hell, they can go silent for the whole stretch between one release and another, as long as they still show up to the studio.”

—  via  @KILYEOL  on  Instagram.

While it could be argued he’s drawing a little on Seungdae’s ideologies—the “all press is good press” motto of his, the relaxed attitude to whatever trouble people under his care get into—it’s not as if anyone can blame him. He was there for a good sixteen years, after all. Not to psychoanalyse, but after being there for that long it’d be a miracle if he didn’t exit with some of their values burned into his brain.

But wherever he got the notions from, he’s made it pretty clear what to expect from them and their groups in the future—whenever the first will come to fruition. Maybe the eight-month stretch was spent laying down their foundations, planting seeds (you know, things like securing trademarks, finding some funds, building a team of staff, etc. The basics, as someone more experienced in this field than me might have called them). Or maybe all of that had been done before Jiyeol had even left JAGUAR in the first place, and all that time was put into perfecting everything relating to their very first project—allowing for a quicker release in order to really get the ball rolling for BEAT BACK.

However long it takes, though, the factor that will always remain the same is the support it will inevitably receive. The move was immediately met with waves of longtime (and very, very deprived of the object of their idolism) fans jumping onto the newborn BEAT BACK like it was their new lifeline, for example. I don’t really know what it is about Jiyeol to them that draws them in, but for me personally I greatly admire his drive. He’s clearly taking this seriously, and intends to see it through to the best of his ability (which I’m sure will expand with time) as well as pouring every ounce of care he can muster up into it. And while I mentioned a few names back over at JAGUAR I speculated won’t be tuning in to whatever he gets up to in the future, he still has friends like Jalen, the company’s production team (rarely seen in photos and only ever named as Daejin and Joosun respectively in track credits, neither seeming to have taken on titles for themselves), and of course his other ex-groupmates Ilwoo and Hyeonmin—the former more than the latter, the inseparable pair they’ve looked more and more to be over the months.

So. All-in-all (reception-wise, at least), although he’ll have his obstacles—as everyone does—I’m going to go out on a limb and say he’ll come out of it relatively unscathed. Doing well for himself, even, what with all the new fans he would’ve raked in with the announcement of whatever group (or member, if he decides to go down the soloist route first of all) he’s planning to push into the world of idolatry.

To really get any reception at all, the two things needed are a team good enough to put it all together and a group good enough to execute it near-perfectly. Like I said, nobody except those far closer to Jiyeol than you or I (unless.. You know him personally? If this is the case, my work email is linked—please, feel free to tell me more) knows who could possibly be in their lineups for any upcoming acts, so the next best thing is to try and take a look into is the people he’s committed himself to working alongside in this new venture of his—for now, at least.

I’m making the assumption that Ilwoo will be involved in some way, although I doubt he’ll hold any official position in the label. An outsider whose opinions are.. Largely valued, is what I’ll say. I’ve also asked around and received word from one of my many contacts that an old friend of once-JUST4U star Na Yeseul is on the team, as well as a literal relative of JAGUAR COO Sim Hyojoo. It seems that even if he’s left, he’ll never quite be free of his old company’s tendrils. But aside from those three, I haven’t been able to pry much else out—it’s either the insiders don’t want to spoil any surprises, or Jiyeol and his new team are very good at keeping secrets. I’m willing to bet it’s the latter.

I suppose all that’s left to do is wait and see, much was the case when the news initially broke of him leaving. The man is a mystery—maybe that’s where Yijun got it from. Whoever he works with, whoever he makes a group out of; the crowds will be there, and amongst them will be me. I’ll see you on the other side, because who would I be if not the person giving unsolicited opinions on anything anyone in the JAGUAR-related circle does?

As mentioned, all came to light in early 2024, revealing what all the rumoured tension had been about inside the company walls. Former BONSOIR leader (and known to still be quite an influential figure inside the company despite not being active anymore) Kil Jiyeol was cutting his contract and leaving his JAGUAR days behind—to apparently start a company of his own, although that had again come from word of mouth rather than any sort of official statement from neither the man himself nor any of his closer associates. Alongside this announcement, it came to light that his fellow former BONSOIR members Mai and Hyeonmin had left a long while prior—as early as June 2020, barely a month after BONSOIR’s disbandment notice. This obviously left the public and company in a sort of state of disarray, no one quite sure what was going to happen with CHERRYADE as a result. Month after month crawled by, and the people were starting to worry that this was a ‘SWEET (SOUR)’ situation. Until mid April arrived, and teasers for the mini album ‘LEMON ON ICE’ officially began to be put out, and everyone collectively breathed a sigh of relief. They weren’t over just yet. Released on the 28th that same month, ‘LEMON ON ICE’ was, in three words, the car era. Every group has one, don’t lie. To sum it up relatively quickly, CHERRYADE’s most recent comeback was—as always—a neon-light-filled, argument-littered, and accessory-heavy affair, this time with added revving engines and multiple car innuendos.

⠀ᝪ  .ᐟ⠀⠀▬ ▬ ▬⠀⠀the  stats

RELEASED⠀28 / 04 / 2024

PROMOTIONAL PERIOD⠀3 WEEKS

UNITS SOLD⠀1M

WINS⠀3

⠀ᝪ  .ᐟ⠀⠀▬ ▬ ▬⠀⠀the  tracks

CAN’T BREATHE⠀WRITTEN 잘렌 & 도연 PROD. 대진

MAKE ME⠀WRITTEN 재희 & 고고 PROD. 주순

NONSTOP⠀LEAD⠀WRITTEN 하선 & 대진 PROD. 주순

WINNER⠀PROMOTED B-SIDE⠀WRITTEN 해일 PROD. 주순

LIMIT⠀WRITTEN 宜君 & 잘렌 PROD. 대진

FlipSide⠀⸻⠀the  following  overviews  have  been  outsourced  from  various  netizens.  general  consensus:  ★★★★☆

ഒ⠀from  user  cherryhee⠀30042024

For our five-track-run, ‘Can’t Breathe’ is up first, with lyrics written by Jalen and Doyeon comparing the object of their affections to a ray of light: ‘shine on me again, it’s amazing, your prism.’ Second of all is ‘Make Me,’ in which they speak of wanting to ‘run, run, run and run more,’ written by duo Jaehee and Gogo. Not quite the suggestive anthem people thought it was going to end up as from their first impressions of the title. ‘Nonstop’—what I expect to be the most performed—written in part by Hasun, compares the members themselves to super cars. Second to last ‘Winner’ (another I think will be performed during this promotional period), with lyrics by Haeil, asserts that ‘I'm [the group] back, everyone pays attention.’ Finally we have the Jalen and Yijun-penned (although it’s not a track sung in mandarin this time) ‘Limit,’ filled to the brim with cold hard confidence: ‘this is the main character, that's our role.’ It’s cars, it’s cool conviction, and it’s undeniably CHERRYADE—the only thing missing is the sex track.

ഒ⠀from  user  mingohwi⠀20052024

The ups came in the form of their happiness similar to how the mood had been back in the ‘SWEET (SOUR)’ era, where all of them were just glad they hadn’t been tossed aside. They filmed more vlogs, showed more behinds, and were very online generally. Extra content was fun (including a racing game night slash sleepover at a house they’d cobbled together to rent for a couple nights, a go-karting session, and a sort of surreal makeshift Fast & Furious movie roleplay scenario they were clearly making up as they went along, where they all made up different personas for themselves and went down all sorts of different action and drama-filled plotlines), and they all seemed to be getting along just fine; Jaehee and Yijun having apparently buried the hatchet once again for this era and playing civil with one another. They were just having fun, plain and simple as that.

Fans were also given more insight into the creative process behind the mini album (recording, practising, etc) and a few core staff members made some recurring appearances—the main production team, their choreographer, and their stylist. The members of staff were all similar in age to the members themselves (on Doyeon and Jalen’s end, anyway) and so the close bond they were shown to have was one that most enjoyed being privy to. It sort of created an illusion of viewers being closer to them—like they were being let into a secret, or something.

On the flip side, this also seemed to be a bit of a party era for the boys, which some fans didn’t seem to enjoy as much as all the videos showcasing how much the members were. It was club after club, blurry photos of shots in hands and far-too-serious dance-offs in the middle of the floor to whatever mindless EDM song the DJ was blasting in the background. Someone even said Jalen took over the DJ booth one night, but since nothing’s been provided to back up the story you can take that one with a grain of salt. Things were also a little tense considering Jiyeol’s departure, especially considering how Jalen was known to be close to him and that he’d shared a group with both Yijun and Jaehee for a while, and Yijun addressed the situation on a live by simply saying that he was ‘glad he [Jiyeol] was finally gone.’ Which of course didn’t go down well with fans of the man, so he got into a little bit of hot water for that one.

ഒ⠀from  user  hasunshine⠀21052024

As for the styling, outfits were all in the racing-adjacent region (although some performances ditched the jackets and more recognised uniforms for racers and stepped into more of a streetwear direction to fit in with the street side of the concept) and sometimes were described as such an assault on the senses colour and pattern-wise that it was a little hard to watch their performances. Some fans then came to the defence that if you turned your head and squinted, they actually looked great. Or just defaulted to the ‘the fans that get it, get it’ approach. I personally liked them, because the feeling of being attacked visually is something I think is quite fun. Accessories included overly large chains, painted flames on most outfits, too many rings in too many different colours and sizes to fit on any one of their fingers, (at times) ridiculous headwear—I mean, why did Hasun have a tanghulu headband on for one show? Nobody I’ve asked can give me the answer—and, somewhat reminiscent of the ‘SWEET (SOUR)’ era, a lot of neon, although this time it was in the form of body paint and hair dye that made them look like glow sticks when the lights were low.

All in all, ‘LEMON ON ICE’ proved to be just as eventful as all that came before it. The group never seem to have a moment where there’s nothing going on, even if it’s as small as a nonsensical (but unnecessarily heated) argument over what they’d bring with them onto a desert island. Witnessing all of it as it came was as fun as I’ve come to always expect them to be. It falls somewhere in the middle of my favourite eras on the whole. Just behind ‘DOUBLE DIP,’ maybe.

(¬_¬) ⠀at  a  glance  ⠀𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃⠀  lemononice.jpg ⠀(  OO3  )

scribbled on a calendar in bright pink biro that wasn’t his own, under JUNE 27, 2023: LUNCH WITH JALEN

“I want to leave.”

Jalen looked at him from over the top of his menu, slowly setting it down onto the tabletop. Idle conversation from the tables around them filtered into one ear and out of the other while the singer stared at him.

“Here? We just sat down.”

Jiyeol rolled his eyes. Jalen was difficult on the best of days.

“No, idiot. We waited half an hour for this table, I’m not wasting time finding somewhere else to eat. I.. I want to leave the company.”

He sat back in his chair after he’d explained himself, expecting a reaction out of the younger man. A gasp, maybe. A look of shock. Anything at all, really.

What he got instead was a bored shrug. Jalen picked the menu back up and returned to his thorough exploration of the starter options. “Do it, then.”

Jiyeol leaned back over the table to rip the menu from Jalen’s hands, ignoring the irritated noise in response. “That’s it? What the fuck! At least pretend to be surprised.”

The singer snatched the laminated piece of paper back out of the older rapper’s grip and pulled a face, holding it out of reach when he tried to make a grab for it again. “Why should I? It’s all you’ve been complaining about for months, hyung. I’d be more surprised if you stayed.”

“Everyone complains about their company. You do it, too. Are you leaving with me?”

Jalen’s eyes strayed downwards, back to the list of meals sat before him. His shoulders seemed to draw in on themselves, as if he was trying to make himself smaller, arms tucked into his sides. “No. There’s—you know. The group.”

Jiyeol’s nose wrinkled, eyeing up his dongsaeng for a moment while he pretended to ponder over what he wanted to eat. The mysterious act couldn’t have been a more obviously fake persona, because Jalen was easier to read than any book he could’ve picked up off of the shelves. It surprised him that more people hadn’t come to notice. Maybe it was just Jiyeol who was of that opinion. Maybe it was just how they worked.

“The group. Right.” He was more certain it was mostly one person in particular, but he’d overlook it for now. Excuse the lie. His lock screen was a picture of the seven of them, after all, so it might’ve contained one lick of truth. “How’s Yijun?”

Jalen’s head raised to give Jiyeol a look of contempt, followed by a short eye roll. “Yijun is Yijun. I have no idea how he is. It fluctuates.”

The rapper held a hand up in a mock surrender, sitting back in his seat once more. “Alright, I was only asking. And hand that menu over, you’ve hogged it long enough.”

Jalen played at shielding it from him, throwing an arm over the top and lowering his head so far his nose almost touched the smooth surface of the table. “I’m not done.”

Difficult.

Jiyeol sighed and acquiesced, attempting to bite back the small smile that rose to his face when the menu was quietly slid over to him a few moments later.

For a place they’d waited that long to get into, the options that were to his taste were few and far between. He supposed it was his own fault for not looking online before he let Jalen book a spot. Silence fell between them for a while, Jiyeol making faces down at all the food listed and Jalen drumming his fingers on the tabletop in a random rhythm, feet following the same beat. He could tell something was coming, and so looked up just in time for a question to be sprung at him.

“What are you gonna do afterwards?”

Jiyeol’s mouth opened, but the words didn’t come. He was expecting the question, of course, but not this soon. Had thought Jalen would wait until they’d eaten, at least. His hand went from running through his hair, to tugging at one of his earrings, to finally joining the other folded in his lap, as an answer finally came to him. The one he’d been juggling around in his head for a long time, the one he’d been up late researching and looking into more and more over the months that had passed. The one he decided he was finally ready to say out loud, instead of dismissing it as a pipe dream.

“I want to start my own label. Or—try to, at least. I don’t know if it’ll work out.”

As far as he knew, it would take a lot of paperwork. Enthusiasm, the drive to actually make it work. Critical thinking, planning, an inside-and-out understanding of the industry and what made it tick. And an ego, of course, but Jiyeol was sure he had that down already. He felt a little.. Nervous, of all things, as he faced Jalen after his declaration, unsure of how his dongsaeng would react. 

The man in question was wide-eyed, not quite dramatic enough in character to be open-mouthed, but still visibly surprised. They stared at one another for a few moments, neither saying a word. A waitress approached their table, pad in hand and biro tucked into the pocket of her apron, which she retrieved as she came to a stop before the pair of them.

“Hi! Can I get you anything, or do you need a little more time?”

She sounded like she was smiling, but Jiyeol didn’t really know. He was still looking at Jalen, who was looking straight back at him. Silence fell over their table, idle chatter from others sounding that much louder in comparison to how quiet it was. Shoes shifted uneasily from where the woman was standing, the nib of her pen retreating in and then being pushed out again with a click. He probably should’ve said something, but he didn’t. Just.. Kept on staring. Click. There was a question in Jalen’s eyes that he wouldn’t know how to answer if they both just stayed silent—which was looking like the likely scenario. Click. Jiyeol’s eyes were starting to water from the impromptu staring competition they’d entered, and the waitress coughed uncomfortably, turning to leave again.

“I’ll just, uh, come back in a sec.”

She retreated, and yet they still stayed silent. He was starting to regret saying anything at all. He was about to make an attempt to change the subject, or maybe to escape to the bathroom to douse himself in cold tap water and clear his head, or maybe outside for a smoke break to take the edge off, or maybe outside to catch a cab away from here and away from Jalen’s prying eyes—until everything came rushing out of the younger’s mouth like the floodgates had burst.

“Your—your own label. For real? With who? A label, hyung? Like.. Like Jaguar? Is it even for music? Are you going into clothes? Are you sure?”

He looked frantic—nothing like the calm, composed Jalen he was known as to everyone else, known as even to him until two minutes ago—and more than a little out of breath by the end of it. Jiyeol wished the waitress had stayed, because Jalen could’ve probably used some water after that performance. He stopped himself from staring into his desperate, searching gaze for just a few seconds by breaking away and looking over the rest of the tables inside the restaurant instead. A few eyes met his, likely alerted by the outburst that Jalen hadn’t bothered to try and lower the volume of, but they turned their heads as soon as it happened. Once the silence had stretched on for a minute or two again, Jiyeol turned back to the man on the other side of the table.

“Jae.”

He cringed at his own choice of words, of nickname, and decided to start again, sitting up more in his chair and meeting Jalen’s still-wide, endless eyes head on.

“Jieyang.”

The use of his birth name only made him look more nervous, if anything, shoulders drawing in on themselves as they had earlier. Dyed hair fell into his face, and a hand reached up to push it back out of his eyes. Jiyeol carried on, contemplating his words as he went along—trying to find the best way to explain something he himself hadn’t fully thought out yet.

“Yes, my own label—and yes, for music. Why would I want to start making clothes, what the fuck? I.. I don’t really know who with, yet. Or where. Or.. How, I guess. Well, I do know how, I’ve been researching. But I know it’ll take a while. I want to do it anyway.”

He ended with a smile. He hoped it looked like a smile, at least. Comfort in any shape or form had never been his strong suit, and would likely continue to not be in the future. They were back to staring at one another, not a word said. The itching feeling of wanting to make a break for it returned, left him shifting uncomfortably in his chair, but he resisted the feeling. It could wait until after Jalen had responded.

The frantic look in his eyes had calmed, leaving behind the sea of dark brown they usually were. His hands fidgeted from where they were tangled together on the tabletop between them, separating so he could pull at the corner of the long-forgotten menu. Jiyeol almost wanted to kick him under the table, to provoke him into saying something so they could brush past his own wants and desires as if he’d never shared them at all. But before his foot could move, Jalen finally spoke up.

“Okay. Okay. That’s.. That’s really cool. I think you can pull it off, hyung. I’m—I’ll always be here if you need me. You know. Just in case.”

Despite himself, a smile broke across his face, and he feigned looking at something over his shoulder to smother it. His chest felt a little warmer, a feeling somewhat like comfort settling where humiliation had been beginning to fester. His ankles hooked around the legs of his chair, and he pulled himself closer, looking back to meet Jalen’s eyes and watching as his grin widened when their gazes met. Unabashed support was all he could see in the pools of brown, and he coughed and broke eye contact once more, pretending he couldn’t feel heat prickling at the nape of his neck.

“Well. Thanks. Stop looking at me like that, though, creep. Let’s just order. You’re paying, Yang-ah.”

Jiyeol ignored Jalen’s indignant protests with a smirk and turned to catch the eye of the waitress, waving her over. If he felt a little lighter, a little freer, a little happier after the reassurance, even as he asked for a plate of something that didn’t even sound all that nice, he kept it to himself. Jalen didn’t need any bigger of a head.

calendar dates had never been a thing with them. following texts sent on APRIL 21, 2023:

Ilwoo had known first. Because of course he had. Jiyeol had sent him a text, exactly the same thing he’d told Jalen—I want to leave. Then, before the first could even be read, I want to start over.

He’d only sent back one word in reply. Alright. They both knew there was more to say, but Jiyeol had always hated doing it over the phone. Ilwoo was easier to read when he was right in front of him.

And even easier like this. Even if all the lights in Ilwoo’s apartment were off, only the cityscape to illuminate them through his too-wide bedroom window, and only his old R&B playlist to just barely cover the sounds of their laboured breathing. He knew every stretch of skin like the back of his hand, could map out every vein and find every mole with his eyes closed. He preferred them open, though, so he could lock eyes with the man above him through the dark and reach up to take his face into his palms, smoothing a thumb over the line of his cheekbone with one hand and pushing back sweat-laden strands of hair out of his view with the other.

“Come on, out with it.”

Ilwoo came to a halt for a moment, a bemused smile flitting at his lips when Jiyeol shifted his hips in an attempt to spur him on again. “Now? Really?”

He wasn’t finding it nearly as funny as the younger man was seeming to, wanting to squirm under the amused attention but holding firm to continue on.

“Yes, really, spill it. Better to be vulnerable all at once. Or something. I don’t know if that’s a quote.”

When Ilwoo’s shoulders started to shake with laughter, Jiyeol let go of his face to pinch the bare skin in retaliation, smirking to himself at the yelp of pain it evoked. They traded insults and pokes and play-punches until the younger jolted and in response Jiyeol did too, brought back to what they were doing all too suddenly.

“Shit. Just—tell me. I’m not going to beg.”

The pout that pulled at Ilwoo’s lips was predictable, familiar. Sleaze was creeping into the edges of the words he leaned closer to whinge into his ear. “Not even a little?”

Normally he’d fake-gag, push the joke a little further, indulge him a little more. But tonight Jiyeol was toeing the line of irritation, and so a blank look was all he gave him, mouth set in a flat line. Ilwoo crumbled not long afterwards, hanging his head.

“Sorry, sorry. It’s just.. You’re definitely doing this for yourself, right?”

Silence. His face contorted, brow furrowing. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Ilwoo faltered again, for a moment, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth, faint reflections of outside billboards and street lights and neon projecting signs lighting up his eyes when he raised his head to meet Jiyeol’s.

“Alright. Okay. I was just—asking. Wanted to check you weren’t still hung up on.. I don’t know. A few years back.”

His palms curled into fists where they were still resting on the younger man’s back, before he forced them to relax, and—he almost wanted to laugh, a little bit. Hung up? He’d felt like the rug had been yanked from underneath his feet, left stranded in a place he hated yet was scared to leave, scared to fade into another face in the crowd if he’d turned his back on it. But that was then. That was coming up on four years ago. He’d grown up. He’d gotten over it. Jiyeol could never hold a grudge—he was doing too much at any one moment for things like that to linger, and he said as much; brow still raised, eyes still blank.

The laugh he got in response sounded emptier than earlier, far from amusement. Still, Ilwoo leaned in ever closer, soft puffs of air ghosting over his cheeks as they stared at one another again. A grin even tugged at his lips, just as it had before. The tense air between them had dissipated as if it were never there in the first place.

“Well, like I said, I was only checking. Maybe that’s on me, though. Who am I to judge you, hyung, hm?”

Jiyeol had always been told he had an ugly laugh, face too scrunched up and odd little hiccups springing forth every once in a while, but for once he couldn’t stop it from bursting out of his chest from the tease, granting Ilwoo’s bare skin another lighthearted slap and then pulling him closer with a scoff they both knew he didn’t mean when the younger man whined for him to soothe the pain.

“Just shut up and get back to it.”

His smile stretched wider. Gleaming eyes in the half-dark, white teeth on display, one hand verging on too warm from where it rested heavy on his hip. Ilwoo did as told.  

nothing but a memory of OCTOBER 14, 2016.

Before anything else, he’d been the first in the know. Before he’d ever step foot on a stage, before he’d ever held a microphone in his hands. Before they’d been put together and then tossed aside again, on the way to being fully forgotten.

He couldn’t quite remember how he’d ended up on one of the balconies, standing next to Na Yeseul while she touched up her makeup. Maybe he was looking for Hyeonmin. He’d been holing himself up in practice rooms and redoing the same mindless routines until his legs were shaking and his chest was heaving, too tired to explain himself when he was found. Jiyeol was trying to stop it before it became a habit, before it became something that hurt more to stop than it did to carry on. He’d cared more, back then. But that was exactly when it was—then. 

So he’d gone looking for one and found another, led astray by a vague comment saying they thought they’d seen Hyeonmin head outside. He wasn’t even sure Yeseul had noticed him at first, was tempted to turn on his heel and leave her to it, but maybe she’d caught his figure in the reflection of her mirror compact, her voice ringing out through the silence.

“Jiyeol.”

He tipped his head to her out of obligation, hands fidgeting in his pockets. “Sunbae.”

She scoffed, the sound abrasive, and gestured to the empty space next to her. “Since when have you called me that? Come here, keep me company.”

Jiyeol did what was ordered of him, forearms bracing themselves against the railing that lined the ledge overlooking the streets of central Gangnam. He could hazard a guess as to why she was here already, without even having to ask. He asked anyway.

“Are you and hyung in a fight again?”

His gaze drifted sideways, and he watched as she answered him without ever saying a word. Watched as her eyes rolled and she fished around in her tiny clutch purse for a tube of lipstick, the cap of which was tugged off far too forcefully. 

They said nothing for a while, as Yeseul reapplied the deep nectarine shade she’d grown to favour on her lips and Jiyeol followed the motion, wondering how bad it’d been this time.

“I’m thinking of leaving.”

Really bad, then. Awful. Irreparable. Wait, what?

“Leaving?” His voice sounded airy. Panicked. Yeseul shrugged, sending dark waves tumbling off of her shoulders as she did so. It was only when she shifted in his direction and saw the look on his face that she decided to explain herself.

“I really can’t.. I don’t know. I’m just done, simple as that. Insu is too.” A humourless laugh left her purple-stained lips, eyes not quite meeting Jiyeol’s. “And besides, it’s not like we’d be lasting too much longer anyway. I’m nearly thirty, you know. People don’t stick around to watch.. That.”

He wanted to lean over the edge of the balcony and throw up, dry heave until his eyes stung. He wanted to pry, and pry, and shove his way in for more details. He wanted to protest. He wanted to stop them.

Instead, Jiyeol just nodded. Attempted to accept it. He turned his eyes back to the city, and tried to imagine Na Yeseul and Choi Insu living lives of retired stardom within it. The thought almost made him laugh.

“When are you..”

She didn’t let him finish his sentence. Maybe saying it out loud would make her reconsider, make her change her mind. Make it feel more real. Too real.

“Tomorrow.”

Another laugh rang out too loud, bouncing off of the walls that closed in on either side of them and hurting Jiyeol’s ears. Yeseul was snapping her mirror closed and prying it open again, lipstick discarded back into the clutch. “That’s what I’m going to say when I get in there. ‘I’m thinking of leaving.’ With no hello or anything else.”

Despite himself, Jiyeol smiled at the idea. The panic was still there, but so was Yeseul. He could put it off for now. “Youngshik-hyung’s gonna cry. Like a baby. And Yoonhae-hyung is gonna throw something at you.”

A hand reached over to shove at his shoulder lightly, and he let himself topple forward enough to rest his chin in his palms. 

“I’m leaving, not dying. I’ll call them. Maybe I’ll even let them take me to dinner every once in a while, too.”

He nodded in understanding. They fell quiet again. The sudden feeling of a warm palm landing on the top of his head made him start, hand flying to his chest as Yeseul messed up his (admittedly already a little wild) hair.

“Should I call you too? What kind of noona would I be if I didn’t take my favourite dongsaeng out for a drink, hm?”

With all the wicked mirth in her voice, and teasing smirk on purple-lined lips, she reminded Jiyeol of Ilwoo. Or he supposed it was the other way around. He leaned over and nudged her with his shoulder in return, the comforting weight of her arm draping over the both of them coming not long after. The way he was leaning into her was awkward, tilting to match her height, but he could withstand the discomfort. They watched cars race by and people flit in and out of restaurants, bars, noraebangs; in their twos or threes or more, and on occasion less, without another word shared between them. Nothing more needed to be said.

The moment wouldn’t last forever, and there wouldn’t be another one like it. Jiyeol found he didn’t quite mind as much as he first thought he would. He just—took it all in now. Made the most of the silence and the warmth and the memory of lipstick the colour of ripe nectarines.

it’s far past midnight, and the date on his phone while he dials a number he hasn’t touched in years reads DECEMBER 19, 2023.

His phone screen had a large crack running straight down the centre, and Jiyeol ran an idle fingertip down the line as it rang. The number displayed on the screen: Yijun’s.

He wasn’t expecting him to answer. Jiyeol wasn’t stupid, he’d spent most of his teen and younger adult life with the boy, practically knew him inside and out.

Well. Perhaps not anymore—perhaps not in a while, even, not since that early December evening.

“Are you gonna let them do that? Shove some.. Some rookie actor kid in with us? After how long we’ve all trained?”

No, he wanted to say, to the sudden apparition of seventeen-year-old-Yijun standing before him, eyes bloodshot, hair a mess, words of the past echoing in his ears. He wished he could go back and tell him honestly; now that they were how they were, now that his hindsight was crystal clear. No, I’m not. I’ll fight for this. I’ll speak up. 

But he couldn’t, obviously. So he was here, instead. Sat on a lone bench by the river, as the hour crept later and later, watching his phone ring and half-wishing he hadn’t dialled at all. 

Jiyeol wished he had a cigarette. He wished he’d brought a jacket, he wished he was at Ilwoo’s apartment, he wished Yijun would pick up. He wished he didn’t. He didn’t really know, anymore.

Just as he was anticipating, the phone rang to voicemail. He hung up before the automated voice waiting for him on the other end could drone out its usual message, and stared at the screen afterwards. Stared at his own face looking back up at him. Ran a finger down the crack once more, felt the serrated glass edge against his skin. Then, after another moment, he picked it back up, and called Yijun’s number again. 

Why? It was a question he didn’t know how to answer. Jiyeol was never usually one to pester—once he had the answer he wanted, or lack of one, even, he just backed off. Picking fights wasn’t something he enjoyed, much unlike the person he was currently trying to reach, who seemed like it was all he knew how to do. But he’d gone and called him again anyway, maybe just to really hammer home the realisation that they were practically strangers, now.

Jiyeol almost hung up before the voicemail tone would get the chance to signal the end for him, and then his eyes blew wide after his next glance at the screen.

The call—connected. He checked the contact name again. 宜君. Exactly the same as the day he’d entered it into his phone for the first time. Seconds ticked by, silence from them both, before he snapped back into himself and pressed the phone to his ear.

“Yijun. You—you answered.” It sounded desperate, sounded pathetic, but he let it slide. It was the shock, he told himself.

A noncommittal hum from the other end. “I guess. What do you want?”

There was no point dragging it out. He wasn’t one for wasting time, after all.

“I need to tell you something.”

More silence. Yijun scoffed as if the next steps were obvious, as if their usual rhythm hadn’t been unused and nonexistent for years now, broken with a crack clean down the centre. “Tell me, then. And hurry up, I’m meant to be.. Ah, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Speak, hyung.”

His mind stuck on one part of the sentence. ‘I’m meant to be.. Ah, whatever.’ Jiyeol knew exactly what he was doing, and he knew he shouldn’t bring it back up. He did, anyway.

“Are you going out with Hyeonminnie? Is that it?”

A switch flicked, the edge sharpened. Yijun’s voice was ice when he next replied.

“Don’t call him that. It’s none of your business, anyway. Just tell me already, or I’m really gonna hang up.”

A pause. As if to make it seem he was saying it of his own volition, and not because he was practically ordered to. The words then fell from his lips in a rush, almost unintelligible.

“I’m—I’m leaving. The company. Jaguar. All of it.”

Absolute quiet between them. Jiyeol couldn’t even hear Yijun breathing. He felt a sudden flash of déjà vu—to months before, the day he’d sat before Jalen at the restaurant that neither of them had ended up liking and told him the exact thing he was relaying now, over the phone.

“Finally.”

In hindsight, he should’ve really been expecting something of that nature. They weren’t friends, hadn’t been for years. Not a civil word had been exchanged between them since before the start of the end. But it still shook a bitter scoff out of him, eyes regarding his phone screen with disgust.

“As charming as ever, Yijun-ah.”

The remark was met quickly, coldly. “I don’t know what else you were expecting from me, hyung.” And—Yijun had only said what Jiyeol himself was thinking, but it still felt like a hit. 

“Well.” He stood from the bench, wishing he hadn’t left his pack at Ilwoo’s, wishing he hadn’t called Yijun against his better judgement. “You got me there, I guess that one’s on me. It won’t happen again, though. Say hi to Hyeonmin-ah for me, will you?”

The only response he was given was the disconnect tone. 

i guess it’s happening. the early morning of JANUARY 6, 2024:

In his dress shirt, smart slacks, and carefully pressed hair, Jiyeol sort of felt like Jaehee—on the day when he was first introduced to their once-four in particular, looking as if he was split between wanting to bolt and throwing up all over his dress shoes. The passing thought made him want to throw up also, and so he banished it from his mind as quickly as he could, flitting from topic to topic in an attempt to distract himself from it.

He’d almost forgotten the view from the uppermost floor, having not seen it for a good few months now—it was where most of the more central members to the company resided, after all, as well as where meetings were held. Like the meeting he himself had called, and would be walking into.. Soon. They hadn’t given him a time, but on the other hand they hadn’t said he could waltz in and say whatever it was he wanted to say whenever he pleased, either. Seungdae had just assured him with oblivious cheer that Hyojoo would just ‘pop her head out and wave her arms akimbo’ until he got the message and followed her in. So in the meantime Jiyeol was staring rather listlessly out of the window, half focusing on the view and half running back over what he planned to say when he was inside, again and again and again.

He hadn’t written anything down. Nor prepared a speech, of any kind. Jiyeol was planning to enter with grace, maintain his composure, say his piece in a way that hopefully didn’t sound like he’d been rehearsing it for weeks, and walk back out again. Or maybe he’d allow a couple minutes or so for the questions the table sitting before him would surely have. Hyojoo, the most. Jitae close behind. Seungdae—Jiyeol hadn’t a clue in the world. And that was what annoyed him most about it all.

He knew most CEO’s, most people at the top lording over their subjects below, strived to keep an air of mystery about them—to construct yet another barrier between them and those beneath them, to keep them firmly in their places at the bottom, knowing they’d never be able to surpass someone they didn’t even fully know—but Ae Seungdae was something of a special case. It was less mystery, and more unpredictability; and the most irritating kind, at that. He crawled inside the mind and stayed there, a parasite lying in wait to find whatever was being most rooted for when someone came before him, and then took the wheel to drive them in the complete opposite direction; so quickly that one might think it was out of spite. But no. It was pure, unadulterated (although sickening) luck. He got it right every time, knew exactly how to pull strings in a way that would push buttons, raise tensions, start a fight. 

You would think any good CEO would strive to move in the opposite direction, seeing as that seemed like the surefire way to fail. But it was as if Seungdae enjoyed his own misfortune. He was writing his own tragedy, giving himself all the flaws in the book, and stringing the rest along as the background characters in a play that, if it ever came to light—in another universe, a different timeline—probably no one would show up to. 

Before he could continue to entertain himself with imaginings of Ae Seungdae’s failed career as a playwright, movement came from down the corridor. A manicured hand around the door frame, teal-painted nails as always, and brunette hair falling around her shoulders—shorter than he last remembered seeing it. Sim Hyojoo gave him her customary thin smile, and the hand raised as if to wave before it morphed into a quick, aborted motion; a beckoning gesture. Leading him to his death. Or maybe not. She didn’t know why he’d called this meeting, after all. None of them did. 

Jiyeol straightened his tie and set off the short distance down the hallway, inclining his head in silent thanks as the door was held open for him but not making any move to sit down once he’d entered and Hyojoo had returned to her seat to the left of Seungdae. Jitae aimed a grin at him, one that he did not return. 

“Jiyeol,” he was greeted, Seungdae rising to exchange a handshake. “How’ve you been? I’ve been up all night wondering what it is you’d like to speak to us about.”

“I’ve been well, thank you.” He paused to wait until Seungdae had sat again, and took a final deep breath. Flashes of the past few months raced behind his eyelids as he stole one more moment of silence. The raw earnestness in Jalen’s eyes. I’m always here if you need me. Ilwoo’s bedroom, shrouded in darkness and the sounds of their mingled breath. Who am I to judge you? Purple lipstick, a final fight. I’m nearly thirty, you know. Yijun’s bored voice, new salt on old wounds. Finally.

Jiyeol opened his eyes. His hands were steady by his sides, shirt pressed, hair styled. He was fighting a smile away from his lips as he opened his mouth to begin his proposal. He hoped his words gave them déjà vu.

“I’m thinking of leaving.”

Big news broke this morning—in the form of a post beginning with the dreaded words ‘Hello, this is JAGUAR.’ Don’t worry, all (or.. I hate to be the bearer of bad news?), CHERRYADE is still going strong. In fact, it was the face of someone we haven’t seen around in a while that we were told we weren’t going to be seeing at all anymore, unless of course he decides to jumpstart his career elsewhere. Former BONSOIR leader Kil Jiyeol has cut ties with his company of sixteen years, and along with this bombshell we were also told that his ex-members Mae Ilwoo (or Mai, as he was most commonly known as) and Oh Hyeonmin had done the same, only for those two it was three years ago in June 2021—not too long before the official announcement of CHERRYADE, the group where Qiao Yijun and Ahn Jaehee were set to be redebuting in.

So.. What gives? It’s not as if anyone knows why he left, however many threads labelled ‘THE TRUTH’ have started being posted acting as if they do. Why even announce it at all? Sure, he was popular, but it’s not as if he’s been putting out any music since his past group’s album—which, for the record, was five years ago. Well, even for his not-doing-anything performance-wise, a few little birdies have told me he was running a little more of the show than anyone would’ve thought. A little insight on creative direction here, scrubbed-off-the-record writing credits there.. Minor things, at first glance, but things all the same. Things that, when all stacked up on top of one another, create a rather large piece of the puzzle that might end up being a tad difficult to fill again now it’s been ripped away so suddenly. No one’s been saying he’s essential to anyone’s success, but if there’s been a certain line that’s stuck with you, a certain concept that stood out, a rhythm that you couldn’t get out of your head.. We’ll just have to wait and see if later rollouts (and subsequent releases) contain those same twangs. 

The second question on everyone’s minds is, of course, the one of what he’ll do next. Start afresh solo? Live the normal life I’m sure more than a few people in the industry now long for? Fall into semi-obscurity, living on only in the occasional Instagram Reel song cover? Well, while the last one is unlikely (his Instagram hasn’t been touched since August 2022, his last post a five-slide-long affair of what looks to be a night out he and Ilwoo shared), the others are all being heavily debated with flimsy evidence to back up their claims. The most outlandish so far are the rumours that he’s going to start up his own label. Where they heard that one, I’ll never know, but if that turns out to be true I’ll have to stand and give Jiyeol a (begrudging, reluctant) round of applause. I mean, it’s not as if I have any experience in the area, but you can just tell from the very idea that building your own record label from the ground up isn’t going to be a walk in the park. Harder than even a jog.

Whatever he ends up doing, it’s a mixed bag as to whether he’ll be receiving the support of his labelmates (old and new—but can you really call them new if they’ve been there for what’s going on three years, now? Maybe even longer?) as he begins this new chapter in his life. He’s been spotted out and about numerous times over the years with various other JAGUAR affiliates—Ilwoo being the most repeat offender, with Jalen a close second and an unnamed but assumed staff member following him—but a few others have made their dislike of him fairly obvious. Can you guess who it is? I bet you’ll get it in one.

No, really. Guess.

Of course, it’s none other than our friend Yijun. Did you get it? His mind is a mystery, the people he can actually tolerate even more so. On the countless occasions in the past that BONSOIR has been brought up in interviews, whenever the leader’s name is mentioned his look of distaste can be spotted from a mile away. I pride myself in being the author of the grandiose reveal that Everybody Hates Jaehee, and in that story I also included the titbit I got from someone or other that the news of the (failed) actor’s arrival caused some.. Friction between the leader and the once-maknae. Friction that, in the end, caused a—what I assume to be irreparable, going off of Yijun’s reaction anytime Jiyeol’s name is brought up in his vicinity—fairly large rift between them. So, in short, I highly doubt he’ll be doing any story-reposting or Fromm-messaging in solidarity with his former groupmate. And neither will the aforementioned Jaehee, who suffered a good eleven months as being treated as more of a ghost in the corner than an actual person by his supposed leader—again, as was detailed in the earlier article (the exposé, I’ve seen some people call it. I’m quite honoured, honestly).

The only people left to turn the question of support towards is you. Whether you even care about what he’s going to do (if anything at all) or not comes first, of course, but if you find you can look past the things he’s done (or even.. Support them? It’s a judgement-free zone here) then here will be a place where you can keep yourself updated on it all if you so wish. Frantic and likely practically incoherent posts from the many fans Jiyeol still has after he makes his first move as an independent entity finally separate from JAGUAR may come as the easier—or even the preferred—source, but here I’ll be chipping in with my two cents on the future situation in a (hopefully) more understandable piece.

And here we come to an all-time-favourite era. Despite the name actually meaning what’s basically sparkling water, ‘CLUB SODA’ (released November 12th, 2023) had a very central theme: drinks of the alcoholic kind, to be specific. All ten tracks were named after different types of cocktails, there was at least one bottle of vodka parked up beside them in all of the concept photos, and variety content included the seven running their own bar, creating their own drinks with horribly-disguised innuendos for names and nearly spitting them out when they all tried one another’s, and you could see more and more life slowly drain out of Doyeon’s eyes whenever Yijun leaped at the chance to say his cocktail of choice was, of course, a ‘sex on the beach,’ in very accented English. Their second full album also broke all previous records during its promotion period, another reason it’s universally loved amongst all fans.

⠀ᝪ  .ᐟ⠀⠀▬ ▬ ▬⠀⠀the  stats

RELEASED⠀12 / 11 / 2023

PROMOTIONAL PERIOD⠀4 WEEKS

UNITS SOLD⠀1.2M

WINS⠀6

⠀ᝪ  .ᐟ⠀⠀▬ ▬ ▬⠀⠀the  tracks

COSMO⠀LEAD⠀WRITTEN 잘렌 & 도연 PROD. 주순 & 잘렌

SHOWBIZ⠀WRITTEN 고고 & 하선 PROD. 대진

BELLINI⠀WRITTEN 宜君 & 잘렌 PROD. 주순

MIMOSA⠀WRITTEN 宜君 & 잘렌 PROD. 대진

MIDORI SOUR⠀WRITTEN 고고 & 재희 PROD. 주순

ANGELO AZZURRO⠀WRITTEN  하선 & 해일 PROD. 대진

AVIATION⠀WRITTEN 도연 & 대진 PROD. 대진

GLAMOUR GAL⠀WRITTEN 재희 & 하선 PROD. 대진

KAPPA COLADA⠀WRITTEN 해일 PROD. 주순

DAIQUIRI⠀PROMOTED B-SIDE⠀WRITTEN 대진 & 도연 PROD. 주순

FlipSide⠀⸻⠀the  following  overviews  have  been  outsourced  from  various  netizens.  general  consensus:  ★★★★★

ഒ⠀from  user  jaleon⠀14112023

First on the menu (get it?) is ‘COSMO,’ a Jalen-and-Doyeon-penned track that instantly went down as a fan favourite, something that might be considered a classic in the future with its fun instrumental (that Jalen even helped to produce!) and vocal performance that will likely be replicated on music shows. ‘Showbiz’ is up next, and while some laughed at the name, it was another one that’s been enjoyed by most—with even the rappers of the group contributing to some vocals, and vulnerable confessions written by Gogo and Hasun such as ‘I'm afraid, but I like you’ being made. ‘Bellini’ comes third, yet another track from our duo of Jalen and Yijun, with lyrics both sweet and.. Well, I assume it to be suggestive (because what else is ‘we gonna get na-na-na-na-na-na-na’ supposed to mean?). Nearing the halfway mark, ‘Mimosa’ is yet another contribution from Jalen and Yijun, although this is most definitely leaning towards the innuendo side of things (‘we’re gonna move to this sound’ made it quite obvious). Right in the middle of the album is ‘Midori Sour.’ written by our ‘02z Gogo and Jaehee, it’s a song most definitely meant for summer despite the cold month of November the album was released in. It makes you want to hit the nightclubs with a drink in one hand and.. I don’t know, an ice cream in the other.

Moving on to the latter half of the album, my favourite ‘Angelo Azzuro’ is sixth. A track filled to the brim with bubbly fun (written by Hasun and Haeil, who both helped with aspects of production and arrangement also), it’s an enjoyable experience from start to finish. ‘Aviation’ is next, an easy-to-groove-to song with Doyeon contributing lyrics-wise. Eighth comes in the form of the song ‘Glamour Gal,’ a song (the lyrics by Jaehee and Hasun) that talks of having grown out the naïve child they once were, insisting that ‘but wait, my heart grew as tall as my height.’ Second to last, ‘Kappa Colada’ is another one filled with that summer feeling, and along with the the instantly catchy chorus ‘let me go, let me go, let me go, go, go,’ the lyrics speak of longing for rebellion—with things such as ‘I want something more exciting, give it to me,’ and ‘if it chooses to cross the line, I want it.’ We all want the same thing for you, Haeil! Anyway, finally we have ‘Daiquiri,’ the catchy ending number that encourages listeners to not ‘open your eyes just yet, stay in your dreams’ that was also widely loved, and what I think will end up being the second most performed of the era.

ഒ⠀from  user  doyihae⠀09122023

As I’ve seen many fans online mention before, a large positive for this era has been the theme of ‘CLUB SODA’ and how firmly both the company and the members have stuck to it. They’ve all been fiercely committed to the concept, and the album rollout as a whole was one that everyone (even the creators, it feels like) had a lot of fun with. The timetable was a drinks menu, the concept photos were weird and fantastical and full of colour—as was the firm CHERRYADE signature by now—and the behind-the-scenes videos were met with a lot of love also (watching Hasun trying to climb out of the giant martini glass he’d been posing in was a clip shared around many, many times). Altogether, it felt like a lot more effort had been put into it all than the hastily assembled mini album that was ‘SWEET (SOUR).’ Fans have even noticed that the cocktail-named tracklist went down in a (mostly) rainbow order, with the last two being white or clear drinks. They’ve all looked to be having the time of their lives in all of the extra content provided, and really it’s just felt like a great time to be alive. ‘War is over!’ I saw one person exclaim online, and I couldn’t help but agree.

Negatives-wise.. Like ‘SWEET (SOUR),’ there weren’t too many. Even Yijun and Jaehee have seemed to be on semi-good terms, apart from the one moment in a group interview where the latter brought up BONSOIR and Yijun appeared to go out of his way to (even more than he usually did) not interact with the second-youngest at all. Not even a look in his direction. Maybe time doesn’t heal all wounds (or maybe it has more to do with the people—person?—in the group, rather than them as a whole). Nearing the end of this promotional period, though, whispers have slowly begun to arise of things in the company being unsettled. People were saying there was commotion, unrest and distrust, but when asked what exactly it was about they all drew blanks. All we can really do is hope everything becomes a little clearer sooner rather than later.

ഒ⠀from  user  hasunshine⠀10122023

In terms of styling and outfits, they were about what you’d expect from the gaudy, nightlife sort of theme going on. Club clothes, cutouts galore, and rings upon rings upon necklaces upon everything else you could think of jewellery-wise. Colours, of course, and glowsticks too. Sparkles and fruit and flowers and a surprising amount of lava lamps. Glowing and multicoloured bottle keychains, one bottle opener keychain (given to Jalen, thank god, because if they had bestowed it to Yijun he may have attempted to use it as a weapon if he got too irritated), and also a lot of animal print. Ibiza tourists meet buy-one-get-nine-free jewellery sale meets a tropical bar that also works as an aquarium. I hope that sums it up accurately enough for you.

Like I’ve said many times before, ‘CLUB SODA’ has been my absolute favourite era out of all of them so far. I was one of the many screaming and retweeting and reposting about the newest concept photo of Haeil lounging in a comically-oversized champagne coupe, or Gogo confidently naming his new drink a ‘sex in the ocean’ even if it was just lemonade and blue food colouring. I’d go back and go through it all again if I could.

(¬_¬) ⠀at  a  glance  ⠀𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃⠀  clubsoda.jpg ⠀(  OO3  )

More than a year after ‘TASTE TEST’ came the second mini album and third release overall: ‘SWEET (SOUR)’ on the 20th of May 2023. You may be wondering the reason behind such a large gap between the two projects, and the answer lies behind the November 2022 JUST4U reunion. The duo, as they can’t go more than ten minutes within each other’s company without starting a fight, caused a scene right there in the lobby. Everyone’s ears were pressed to the wall (and some phones were admittedly held up in their direction), and it seems those of the press were, too—as it got through to them not a day later, and for the first time in a good six years since they’d disbanded, Na Yeseul and Choi Insu’s names were splashed all over the headlines again. An apology that no one really believed was sincere was released just to calm everyone down, and after that JAGUAR went quiet. And stayed quiet. Fans were worried this was the end, that a disbandment notice was just going to be quietly released and they’d be shoved back under the carpet, second chances be damned—but the members themselves wanted a comeback just as much as the people, and so after Doyeon apparently took a stand and pushed for preparations to be made, the public finally got the announcement of ‘SWEET (SOUR).’ The concept was carnivals, raves after hours, and (if we’re being honest) probably some hallucinogens, too. Most people loved every second of it, despite the haste with which it was obviously plastered together.

⠀ᝪ  .ᐟ⠀⠀▬ ▬ ▬⠀⠀the  stats

RELEASED⠀20 / 05 / 2023

PROMOTIONAL PERIOD⠀2 WEEKS

UNITS SOLD⠀950K

WINS⠀1

⠀ᝪ  .ᐟ⠀⠀▬ ▬ ▬⠀⠀the  tracks

TALK2ME⠀WRITTEN 宜君 & 도연 PROD. 대진

BOYFRIEND⠀LEAD⠀WRITTEN 재희 & 주순 PROD. 주순

SAY THE WORD⠀WRITTEN 하선 & 잘렌 PROD. 주순

UP⠀WRITTEN 宜君 & 잘렌 PROD. 대진

ALL NIGHT⠀PROMOTED B-SIDE⠀WRITTEN 해일 & 고고 PROD. 대진

FlipSide⠀⸻⠀the  following  overviews  have  been  outsourced  from  various  netizens.  general  consensus:  ★★★☆☆

ഒ⠀from  user  yisoir⠀23052023

‘TALK2ME’ comes first, a rather desperate-sounding plea for the audience to do as the title asks of them, telling them that the members are ‘nothing without you.’ It came as a surprise to many that Yijun assisted in the writing of these lyrics (assisted by Doyeon), and people began to speculate it was more aimed at one person in particular (even if no one had a clue who that person may have been). Second, and what I’m guessing will be the music show song, is ‘Boyfriend,’ another quite straightforward love song, assuring those listening that they ‘can be the one for you’ written by Jaehee (in quite a shift from the introspective piece that was ‘Replay’). Right in the middle is the sweeter tune ‘say the word,’ penned by Jalen and Hasun and letting listeners know that ‘there's nothing that I wouldn't do’ for them.

‘UP,’ second to last, is my personal favourite by a mile. Written by our China line Jalen and Yijun once more, they deliver a much softer and more tender track than the sensual anthem that was ‘GIMME’ back in ‘TASTE TEST.’ The heartfelt confession of ‘I think I’m in love with you’ in the chorus really cemented it as a favourite, as well as the vocal performance from all of the seven. Finally, they flip the sentimental mood on its head with ‘All Night,’ considered by some to be a companion piece to ‘All Day’ back from their debut. You guessed it, it’s their somewhat mandatory sex song—and don’t try to deny it, because the crooning of ‘I just want to feel good, all night long’ made it all too obvious. At least we know Haeil is getting some, I guess?

ഒ⠀from  user  haeilade⠀06052023

The masses have evidently been awaiting their return to music as much as the members themselves, and so the mini album was met with much love from all—with barely a single track being too dunked on, bar from maybe ‘TALK2ME’ a few times. The rest are firm favourites, instant classics in most fan’s books (and, again, rightly so). They’ve seemed mostly happy in every piece of extra content, and a few fans have noticed that most of it came from the seven themselves—in the form of self-uploaded vlogs on their Youtube, lives, and extensive posts on their Instagram accounts—rather than the company in most cases. The inside jokes, easy conversation, and complete lack of inhibition around one another (well.. With the exception of a couple. It shouldn’t take a genius to figure out which) led fans to believe the bond they’ve made is one that doesn’t have an abrupt end put to it when work hours are over. 

Surprisingly, there hasn’t been too many negatives during the promotional period of ‘SWEET (SOUR).’ Maybe because there wasn’t too much time for there to be, or maybe because the reunion some months prior was all the negativity they needed. The one thing that’s caused a little bit of a stir was the more publicised shots Yijun and Jaehee have been taking at one another back-and-forth throughout most content put out, subtle in some places and unable to be more blatantly obvious in others. It’s of course well known they weren’t the bestest of friends prior to this, and never had been, but it’s the first time they’ve gone about making the tension between them so known. Some have been speculating a nasty fight had just occurred before promotions began, and so they hadn’t had the appropriate amount of time needed to properly cool off and pretend to be civil while on camera, but it’s anyone’s guess, really.

Apart from that, there hasn’t been anything too serious going on—something to be thankful for in some people’s cases, those who just want them all to get along and make music, but not to those who look forward to the drama more than anything else.

ഒ⠀from  user  hasunshine⠀04062023

When it came to styling, there was a sort of blend going on. One third neon (and very mesh) rave-ready outfits, one third of what I think was a sort of shady-looking street criminal type of energy (the type of person you knew would probably key your car and leave an awful tag under it just to really rub it in), and one third.. Fair. That’s the only way I can think to describe it. Not dressing as if they are going to the fair, as that would probably be very boring, but more as if they were attempting to look like the rides themselves. Still very neon, but not as rave-esque. It actually got a little tech-y, with added details such as a strip of rainbow LED lights built into one of Gogo’s stage outfits—which came with a remote that allowed him to control the modes as he pleased. He nearly both gave Hasun epilepsy and ran out of battery before they’d even been on stage to perform. 

On that note, I think that’s all there is to say about the ‘SWEET (SOUR)’ era. Again, it’s not at the very top on my list of favourites, but ‘UP’ has been on my repeat playlist since it dropped.

(¬_¬) ⠀at  a  glance  ⠀𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃⠀  sweetsour.jpg ⠀(  OO3  )

Doyeon knew who JUST4U were.

Who in South Korea didn’t? You knew them even if you had absolutely no desire to. Their fame had stretched to all corners almost inevitably: their features were instantly recognisable, their name rolled off the tongue so easily it was hard to not to get it stuck in your head, and one of their many songs had almost certainly featured in some retail store in every city in every district, at least once. They’d even made it to Doyeon’s dead-end town, a poster of one of the perfume endorsements they’d done plastered on their singular bus stop’s wall. He’d stared them in the face every day while waiting to be picked up, and occasionally he’d daydream about what life must’ve been like in a city so far away.

(Which, retrospectively, was a little dramatic. Seoul was barely two hours away by train. He could’ve made a weekend trip of it, and just never thought to do so. Never thought he’d be allowed to do so).

Anyway. Back then. Bus stop. Daydreams. None of the above compared to how he knew JUST4U now. Now that they were about ten metres away from him (and, as it looked to be, everyone else in the company) right in the middle of the lobby, shouting and swearing at one another, looking nearly on the verge of getting physical.

Na Yeseul, platinum blonde dyed tresses whipping around her shoulders with every vigorous movement of her arms and dark purple lipstick painting every curse word she spat nectarine, raised an arm as if she was going to backhand Choi Insu across the face, before it then dove into her purse. Doyeon stepped a little closer to Daejin, a hand curling loosely around the producer’s forearm.

“You don’t think she’s got a…”

He trailed off, but it was obvious what he was referring to. Of course he didn’t really believe she had a weapon, however small, but the movement was so recognisable from all of the action and gangster movies Jaehee could never stop watching that it got him scared, just for a moment.

Daejin’s gaze of gentle judgement burned into the side of his face, but the dancer still couldn’t stop staring at the ongoing argument. “‘Yun. Be realistic, for a minute.”

Still, despite the light-hearted reality check, the producer also leaned in to nudge Doyeon’s shoulder with his own, and curled his hand up to squeeze the palm grabbing at him. In front of them, Insu let out a loud, unsettling laugh, throwing his head back with it. The scene felt very action-and-gangster-movie-like. Quite exciting, really. The leader’s gaze slid along to where Jaehee was watching wide-eyed, Minhui jumping up and down with both of his hands on his shoulders; looking like he was seconds from choosing a side and cheering them on, and felt a smile grow on his face, before a loud yell of “You cunt!” snatched his attention straight back to the main event.

“What are they even fighting about, anyway?” His words were a murmur, tapping at Daejin’s arm in case he hadn’t been heard. He’d been late to the scene, too busy practising alone, and had only found out there was a scene at all because Hasun had come running in with the news, an excited spark in his eyes that made him look like the child he never really got the chance to be.

In his peripheral vision, he saw the producer shrug. “The reunion interviewer, I think. That’s what I got from Joosun-hyung. He ignored Yeseul-noona. Or maybe made a pass at her? Or did he make a pass at Insu-hyung? It’s sort of a mix-and-match of both those things. Anyway, it started from there, and then it spiralled. You’d think after six years away from one another they would’ve buried the hatchet.”

Doyeon didn’t think any sort of burying was in the forefront of either of their minds. They seemed to be producing more and more hatchets out of thin air with the sole intention of throwing them straight at one another, if anything. 

But it couldn’t last forever. Someone would have to step in eventually. Not that anyone seemed particularly keen to do so, at the moment. Even the secretary at the front desk had abandoned her post (where, should she had stayed, she would’ve had a front-row seat that Doyeon almost envied) and was now standing in the doorway used for deliveries, a nail file in her hands that she was paying more attention to than the fight. The CEO seemed like the obvious choice to do the mediating, but as it stood, Ae Seungdae was standing in the prime position—obviously a few metres away, but still right in the middle of the two—and.. Clapping? Fist pumping? Whatever the hand gestures were, they looked to be more of encouragement than attempts to stop the shouting. Doyeon almost admired it. 

“Hyung,” a voice came from behind him, and the leader almost jumped out of his skin. Whipping his head around, he was faced with Yijun standing from where he’d been leaning against one of the walls and walking forward, away from where Daejin and Doyeon were. A phone was pressed to his ear, and Doyeon knew eavesdropping was generally looked down upon, but.. It was Yijun. He justified his decision by telling himself it would help him get to know the rapper just a tiny bit better. Or at all, really. His attention was fully diverted from the has-beens for the first time since he’d been dragged down into the lobby, although he kept his eyes facing forward so as not to raise suspicion.

“You’ve gotta get here, like, now! It’s so funny, really.. Yeseul-noona and Insu-hyung are back at it again. Youngshik-hyung looks like he’s about to either burst into tears or start jumping for joy, I can’t decide.”

Whoever he was talking to must’ve declined the offer, because Yijun groaned down the phone, eyes rolling and shoulders slumping. It was the most Doyeon had seen him express an emotion that wasn’t anger (or at least irritation) for more than five seconds. He was reeling.

“Hyeonmin-ah. Hyung. Please? I thought I was your favourite.”

Hyeonmin. The name rang a bell, but he couldn’t remember where from. It didn’t come to him until Yijun had stalked off across the lobby floor, the rest of his conversation lost to the sound of screams and laughter, the general buzz of everyone in the room. Hyeonmin. Oh Hyeonmin. One of Yijun’s old members, like Jaehee. Except he hadn’t made the CHERRYADE cut, for whatever reason. 

Doyeon thought of the playful whine in Yijun’s tone. “Hyung.” The disappointment that pulled at his sharp features when he was denied. Huh. It was something to dwell on, to turn over in his head for just a little longer. 

But for now, seeing as no one was going to stop the once-duo—the duo that he’d longed to know, years and years ago—anytime soon, carrying on watching the fight of the year (in his opinion, anyway) was far closer to the top of his list of priorities. He slumped a little onto Daejin, making the producer hold half of his weight, grinning when he felt the half-hearted glare directed at the side of his face again, and got comfortable.

December hit. Jaehee insisted on buying every tin of hot chocolate powder he set eyes on. Minhui wouldn’t be caught dead without wearing a fluffy coat of some sort. He heard more curses on Yijun’s name then he saw the boy himself. Haeil was putting Baileys in every beverage he drank. Jalen bought himself an advent calendar and, after seeing how much Hasun was eyeing it every morning, bought one for him too. Hasun had cried when he got it, though he’d pretended he wasn’t, and Minhui had cracked up over the sight of it (although his laughter was followed by over-the-top babying, as was any of his interactions with the maknae). 

December hit. Doyeon was starting to get worried. Wouldn’t anyone? Eight months since their last comeback, eight months since they’d been on stage, and maybe seven since they’d been out—doing things, promoting things, having fun even if they were exaggerating every laugh for the sake of the camera. Four months since Jalen’s interview, the one he was excited for even if he protested vehemently against that fact, the one where he told the interviewer that they hadn’t heard much on the schedule side of things. Doyeon never thought he’d long for a makeup artist to plaster his cheeks in foundation two shades too light and for the familiar burn of hair dye to singe his roots, but a faint itch was starting to settle under his skin. A want. 

One that he probably couldn’t do anything about.

He’d sat with that probably for days, tossing it over and over in his head. Trying to come to terms with it, to accept it as fact, and only getting frustrated when it just wouldn’t settle, refusing to leave. Like something stuck in his throat, a nagging feeling he couldn’t shake.

All that was rational was shaking him by the shoulders, striking him across the cheek, watching the pale skin stain red. Eight months. Maybe even eight months more. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ll have to listen to the crying, and the door slamming, and clean the bottles from the kitchen, and forget your card pin because you know your account’s getting emptier, and you’ll just have to shrug your shoulders. What can you do about it? You, of all people?

Everything else was kicking and screaming, his heart tearing itself out of his chest to protest. I don’t want to listen, or clean, or forget. I’ve done enough of that. All of that. I want to do something. I don’t want eight months more—I don’t want one month more, even. I know I can’t do much, but I want to do this. Let me. Let me!

No answer came. And, similarly, no schedules did, either. They’d all noticed, but no one had come to him and brought it up yet. Yijun probably would’ve been the first to make a scene, but.. Well. You knew something was up when you’d been seeing Kil Jiyeol more than your own group member for the past few weeks. So it had stayed stagnant, kicked underneath the carpet, the album cover-shaped elephant in the apartment.

Until Minhui broke first, dragging Haeil along with him. Doyeon paused from where he was rummaging around in the fridge, not turning his head but waiting. Waiting for them to confirm his suspicions out loud, seeing as he hadn’t been able to muster up the courage even when it was only him alone in his bedroom. 

“Hyung,” Minhui began. He sounded as blunt as ever, but the lighter edge was gone.

“Minhui-yah,” Doyeon answered, and swallowed around nothing. His hand felt shaky when he came to grip the glass jug full of water. “What is it?”

“You know what it is.”

That he did. He pressed a hand to his forehead, tried to swallow once more and winced when it felt harder this time around, and closed the fridge door. He didn’t turn around. Not yet. “I.. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know—but I want to know, Minhui, I really do. I’m just as happy about this as you are. As any of us are.”

It was then he turned on his heel to face them, to show better than he could ever say how he was feeling. He locked eyes with Minhui first, the dancer perched atop the kitchen island with Haeil slumped into one of the stools beside it. Sitting with his arms and legs crossed, the childlike pose was a stark difference from the expression on his face. They stayed in their stalemate until, surprisingly, Haeil was the one to break it.

“Why don’t you just.. Ask?”

When two pairs of eyes turned to him, he hunched in on himself; shoulders drawing up as if anticipating a slap. “I only mean.. Because, you know. Daejin-hyung, and stuff. You’re close, aren’t you? Or at least Joosun-hyung. He’s been here the longest.”

It made sense. Sort of. They were close, sure, but how much say would a producer have in the grand scheme of things? Most likely not a lot, usually, but.. He may have had a point with Joosun. He had been here the longest, almost since the beginning. Or rather, the beginning of the new JAGUAR. It was admittedly better than nothing, and he stayed quiet for a few seconds more to think it over a little longer. 

“I’ll try,” was what he finally decided on, opening his mouth again to get another few words in before they could jump in. “But don’t get your hopes up. Please. I don’t want to..” Let you down. He couldn’t really bring himself to say it, voice trailing off and eyes drifting off to the corridor behind the two instead of meeting either of their eyes.

“I think if anyone could get us some actual work, it’d be you, hyung. But yeah, we won’t expect to be shoved into a recording booth by next week, or anything. Should we tell the others?”

Minhui’s eyes were wider, looking far more alive than they had earlier, awaiting Doyeon’s response. But telling the rest meant there’d be more he’d have to risk letting down, even if Minhui had just told him he’d be fine, with Haeil giving a silent nod of assent beside him. But—no. Not yet. He said as much to the pair before him.

“I’ll tell Jalen. The rest.. Later.” He threw a half-hearted attempt at a joke in afterwards, with a weak laugh to try and make it a little more convincing. “Yijun would have to be here for any of us to tell him. Where even is he these days?”

Haeil rolled his eyes, Minhui snickered to himself, and neither of them answered his question. Doyeon took that as an answer unto itself. Maybe it was better he didn’t know.

The duo left the kitchen not long after that, Haeil out the door with a lighter in one hand and Minhui back to his bedroom, and Doyeon finally turned back to the fridge. He poured himself a glass of water, sat at the island, and stared into nothing for a long, long while; drink untouched, fingertips tapping nearly-silently on the marble. It wasn’t until the sun had set that he finally moved. Mind a little clearer, a sort-of plan set in place, a rough script of what he was going to say to Daejin, and to Joosun, in his head.

A starting point, if nothing else.

The new year came and went. They’d stayed in—most of them, anyway. Minhui had gone to a friend’s, said something about setting off fireworks and playing Dance Dance Revolution, and Hasun had gone home for a week or two, Eunhee coming to pick him up without sparing a second look at any of the rest of them. The remaining five ended up congregating in the living room and sitting in the dark, watching the city from the window. Yijun was glued to his phone in the corner, hiding it from anyone who dared to even try to peek (and, as usual, especially from Jaehee, who almost got a foot to the face for his nosiness). Doyeon turned his own phone off and left it in his room, nestling into a corner of the sofa and pretending not to notice how close Jalen and Haeil were sitting—how their faces almost brushed whenever they turned to whisper something into the other’s ear—while savouring every small sip he took of his Buck’s Fizz, raising an arm for Jaehee to cram himself under after having gotten over his ten minutes spent sulking and recovering from his nearly-injury. It was.. Nice. The nicest the atmosphere had been for a while. A chance for him to put off his impending responsibility for a little while longer.

The deflection didn’t work for much longer. It was his own guilt that gave him the push he needed to get on with it—and maybe Haeil’s empty stares whenever they passed one another in the apartment, saying everything without a single word leaving his lips, helped a little as well. He could be so haunting sometimes, Doyeon hated the chills it gave him. 

So there he was, face-to-face with the door of Daejin’s studio. It had felt weird entering the company building after not seeing it for.. Going on four months. He’d taken to renting out studio rooms when he wanted to dance, unsure if he’d be able to stomach entering the practice rooms with the weight of all the things he wasn’t there to do laying heavy on his shoulders the whole time. His hand went for the doorknob, but faltered halfway and he reached to knock instead. A slightly muffled call for him to come in reached his ears, and he slowly pushed the door open.

“What do you—Doyeon! I haven’t seen you since..” He trailed off, and Doyeon didn’t know what he was so apprehensive about filling the gap with. Since the fight. Since you got stuck in a hiatus you didn’t know about. Since you started doing nothing even though you didn’t want to. Whatever it was, Daejin brushed it away with a palm gesturing through the air, putting the unspoken words out of mind. “It’s been a while, that’s all. What’s up?”

“I need to talk to Joosun-hyung about something. Or rather, I need to ask him something. I guess I just wanted to know if you think.. If what I’m doing makes sense.”

Daejin leaned back in his chair, the dark leather creaking with the movement, and spread his arms out either side of him. “Hit me.”

Doyeon did as asked, trying not to feel too stupid while the words spilled out of his mouth. He knew it was something he wanted, something they all wanted, but the embarrassment still made itself present on his cheeks, the nape of his neck heating up uncomfortably underneath his hoodie. Coming from his mouth, it sounded more like a plan a child would come up with and present in a mess of coloured crayons and star stickers than anything else. Still, Daejin listened to every word.

“That.. Actually makes sense. I think you could get somewhere with that, especially if he lets it slip to Jitae first. Good on Haeil-ah for coming up with it!” Daejin praised while Doyeon gulped in lungfuls of air, having spit out everything he’d been mulling over in one single go. “Joosun-hyung’s downstairs on a smoke break—or, he was when I last saw him. Good luck! And tell me how it goes afterwards!”

He dutifully promised the producer he’d do just that, and then left the studio again; head feeling a little cloudy, feet staying stuck to the carpeted corridor as if unsure of where he should head to next. But he was so close he could practically taste it, now, and the split-second memory of Minhui and Haeil staring back at him in the kitchen again was all the encouragement he needed to march to the end of the hallway and shoulder open the fire escape door, descending the stairwell with as much speed as he could muster up; footsteps echoing off the walls all around him.

As he went, he began to idly draft an imaginary script of the conversation he would soon have to have, as if writing a play. Admittedly he’d never been all that good at anything drama-related, but his imagination could get overactive when it wanted to. Nevermind whether he wanted it to or not, of course.

The curtain rises on a dreary January mid-morning, focusing in on two figures outside the JAGUAR company building—the side nearest the cluster of restaurants and taller office blocks that close in on it on most sides. One is smoking, sunglasses over his eyes (despite the lack of sun to protect them from), with unruly hair sticking up all over the place in a clear just-woke-up way rather than anything intentional. The other is pulling alternately at his own fingers and the drawstrings of his hoodie, the hood of which has been pulled hastily over hair with two-month-old roots sprouting from the crown—hair he would rather only be seen by as little people as he could help. There’s nothing but the sound of ash burning until the non-smoker cracks his knuckles once more and breaks the silence.

DOYEON⠀So, er, Joosun-hyung. I wanted to—talk. To you.

JOOSUN (he turns his head, and gives DOYEON a slightly bemused look)⠀Talk, then?

DOYEON⠀Right. Sorry. I don’t know why I.. I think this cold is really freezing my brain.

JOOSUN⠀Wrapping up warmer might help. Aren’t you cold?

DOYEON (unconvincingly)⠀Not at all.

JOOSUN (rolling his eyes)⠀Sure. Hurry up and say what you want to say already.

DOYEON⠀I just wanted to ask if you think—if you would— (he’s floundering, struggling to find the words and continues to for a few moments until a final question bursts out of him) Can you help us have a comeback?

JOOSUN stares. His cigarette falls from his fingers, down to the concrete beneath them. Silence once more. Cars rush by, the two continue to stare, the curtain falls.

By the time he’d reached its end, cold air was hitting his face and the smell of smoke was evident. Doyeon looked up only to find Joosun already staring right at him.

He took another deep inhale, trying to put off the fact it was probably half made-up of second-hand smoke, and straightened his shoulders before starting to speak. It was just a matter of following his own made-up script, was all. Easy.

The curtain has not yet risen again, but words are still heard from behind them. Hesitant, as if he’s choosing them carefully, but words all the same.

JOOSUN (after an extended pause)⠀You’re crazy. And Haeil-ah is too. All of you are, what the fuck? But.. Yeah, ‘Yun, I’ll help you. I’ll see what I can do.

Alcohol, hair dye, dance, and Minhui largely made up the February-March stretch. His birthday was the clearest memory he had of the two-month-long blur, even if that night was arguably the one he drank the most. Everyone was there, in the apartment that had been forcefully made into a home, and he was deciding he’d had enough every five minutes, and someone had dug out a disco ball that was hurting his eyes, and Yijun had taken one disgusted look at his roots and yelled over whatever house remix of something or other that Jiyeol had made Jalen bump up to the top of the queue for him: “Hyung! I’m dyeing those for you, like, ASAP. It hurts me to look at them,” and Doyeon had nearly burst into tears on the spot. Out of gratitude. Out of shock. Out of too many Mojitos and not enough courage to do it himself.

The dance and Minhui went hand-in-hand. It started when he asked if he could join him on one of his rented studio hours, which was easy enough to agree to, and then before he knew it once a week they were running through all the choreos they knew and making up the ones they didn’t, freestyling to each other’s playlists and collapsing onto one another exhausted after the music had ended. They always grabbed food afterwards, taking turns to pay, and Doyeon felt the most normal he had in.. A while. The routine was comforting, grounding. And most of all, it was fun. He never failed to crack a smile on any of their outings, fondness feeling as it was pouring out of his chest. He supposed he and Minhui were sort of similar, in a way. They had both come from somewhere else alone, built into the seven as the lone once-idols. Granted, Minhui’s old group was far more successful than Slow Motion ever were, but still.

Doyeon had no idea if he had any of the same sort of effect on Minhui—he doubted it, although he held the few times he’d made him crack up laughing close to his heart—but he was glad for him all the same. Glad he’d reached out, even if it was just to try and stop Doyeon from looking so blank all of the time rather than for his own desire for some company. 

They never brought up Joosun’s answer, although as soon as he’d rushed back up the company stairwell to tell Daejin of the good news (and stayed there for a while longer for the celebratory jumping around and yelling and then eventual catch-up conversation the producer wanted to have afterwards) the pair that had confronted him first were the second to know as soon as he got back to the apartment. It’d been two months of nothing, after all, and neither wanted to face the fact that the ‘don’t get your hopes up’ message was ringing a little too true.

The other five had been doing fine over the last couple of months also—as far as Doyeon could tell, anyway. Jaehee had started to teach Hasun how to cook, even if he himself was rusty (resulting in a few occasions where the smoke alarm started screeching and, in return, the others started screeching as well), Yijun was back to staying in the apartment most of the time (taking to locking himself in his room whenever someone got on his nerves, rather than booking it out of the front door), and Jalen had slowly got back into his music-making—he’d stopped not too long after the reunion fight and the not-confirmed-but-obvious-hiatus they’d been put on, not stating anything but lack of inspiration as his reason, but Doyeon had always thought it was more than that. Not that he’d ever gone the extra step and asked. He’d had a suspicion that would've only made him clam up more, and that was something he didn’t really want to risk.

All in all, they’d coped. Sort of. It was the best they were going to get at it, anyway. They were creeping up to April, now, and the more he thought about it the more sick he felt. So he of course opted for the far easier option—forgetting all about it. He took the calendar off of the corkboard in the kitchen, replaced it with one of Haeil’s quick sketches he’d found on the back of an old receipt. He danced twice a week, once with Minhui and once without. He took himself to lunch, and Jalen to dinner. He let Jaehee shove a controller into his hands and played whatever gun game he chose until his eyes were blurry and his head ached. Maybe it was madness finally catching up to him, the months upon months of feeling so lifeless finally put to an end. Maybe he just didn’t care. All Doyeon knew was that he hadn’t felt this good since he was being crammed into tacky stage outfits and filmed doing whatever the people behind the camera told him to do for most hours of the day.

On the very first day of April, though, his—all of theirs—new normal was thrown on its head. Just as they’d been finding a rhythm, learning to live with it all. He was woken up by a banging on his bedroom door, sun barely risen enough to spill through the cracks in his curtains. 

He flung a hand out to reach for his phone. The screen read 5:42, and Doyeon wanted to die. Stumbling out of bed was only slightly harder than opening his eyes, and by the time he reached the door and yanked it open his vision had gotten a little clearer. Although, when he saw who was on the other side, he had to blink twice to make sure it wasn’t an apparition conjured up in a dream. Or a nightmare, depending on how you looked at it.

It was none other than Hong Jaeyoung was staring back at him for the first time in over a year, eyes as flat and disinterested as they’d always been, suit ironed down to the last wrinkle, his lemon yellow tie the only pop of colour about him. Doyeon almost stumbled backwards, mouth opening with no words coming out. Jaeyoung only raised an eyebrow in return.

“Did you not hear me the first time? I said get up. You wanted this, didn’t you? Not gonna be a good look if you all turn up late.”

You wanted this, didn’t you? Did he mean..? No. Surely not. While Doyeon was still floundering, the early morning chill stark against his bare legs, the manager rolled his eyes, half turning on his heel before turning back to confirm his suspicions. His hopes.

“Yes, idiot, you’re getting your jobs back. For now. Maybe not if you’re not in the car by six.”

And with that he was gone, turning to deliver a sharp kick to Jaehee’s door on the way. Doyeon walked out from his doorway and looked down the hallway, Hasun meeting his gaze with similarly wide eyes. Silence lagged on between them before a spark of mischief lit up in the maknae’s eyes.

“I’ll race you, hyung!”

He was taking off full-speed the second the words left his lips, and Doyeon was frozen on the spot. Before—laughter. He just couldn’t stop laughing, shoulders heaving and tears springing to his eyes. Laughter at the suddenness of the news, at Hasun’s antics, at the feeling of the weight of the world finally being shoved off of his shoulders. He felt free, even if really he was about to start being the opposite for the first time in over a year.

Still unable to stop the little giggles from his laughing fit, Doyeon gave chase to Hasun down the corridor, smiling so wide his cheeks hurt. Free. Not really, of course, but.. It was more than good enough for him. For all of them.

It was admittedly harder to get an audience with the elusive JALEN DUAN than I initially thought it would be. There were many emails left ignored, polite messages left at the front desk of the JAGUAR building to an unimpressed-looking secretary that I was assured would be passed on but I assume never were, and altogether a lot of general frustration before we reached where we were—that place in question being quite a dingy-looking fast food place with one flickering light, a few dead-on-their-feet looking teenaged employees milling around in the back, and a singular other patron tucked away quietly in their chosen booth.

I had gotten there before the vocalist, and so had taken quite a few creative liberties while ordering as I assumed what food from the menu he might have liked to eat, but my efforts turned out to be in vain when he pushed the door open, found me and my tray of greasy goodness, made a disgusted face, and stole the large drink I’d ordered instead.

“I’m not touching any of that with a ten-foot barge pole,” was what JALEN had informed me, making himself comfortable on the leather seat opposite me before gesturing to it and then myself. “You’re free to dig in, though.”

I decided it would be rather rude if I was trying to ask him all the questions I’d diligently written down to prepare for this fateful meeting with a mouth full of burger and fries, and so declined and pushed the tray to the side. I wanted to get straight down to business, and told him as such.

(And was rewarded with a flat look and the sound of soda painstakingly being sucked up through his straw. “Well.. I’m not stopping you,” was all he said out loud, but the underlying message of ‘get on with it’ wasn’t hard to read).

It suddenly wasn’t so difficult to see why JALEN was often referred to as one of the more unfriendly-looking members of CHERRYADE. But if I’d waited this long for a single interview (one he wasn’t likely to give in the first place, nor entertain any offers of more), I was definitely going to wring everything I could manage out of the man. So I sat up straighter, fished the crumpled-up receipt filled to the brim with all the ideas for questions I could ask out of my pocket, indulged in a single fry for my troubles before I began (and resolutely ignoring the look I got in response), and got right to it.

“This whole redebuting thing—how’s that been working out for you? It’s been.. What, a year now?”

Not that I’d seen any celebrations for the milestone from neither the group nor the company. It was more bet wins on how long they’d last being cashed in amongst the fans than anything else.

JALEN made a so-so movement with his hand, head tilting in thought before he answered. “It’s been working out just fine, I guess. I mean, we’re still together, aren’t we? For longer than anyone thought we’d actually last. I’ve had HAEIL with me from our ALGORHYTHM days, at least. DOYEON got lumped in with us without actually knowing anyone.”

“And there’s not too much.. Trouble in paradise?”

The once-contemplative look on his face melted into a small smile, one eyebrow raised. It took another sip of his drink before he slowly set the cup down again and answered. “‘Paradise’ is a stretch, don’t you think? But.. No, actually, it hasn’t been the hell I was expecting. Sure, YIJUN’s been making his rounds in the headlines—which is like, how many fights do you want to start? I’m half sure he wants us to disband—and there’s been a couple arguments, but nothing career threatening. Yet.”

The ominous end to his answer made me pause. Maybe he found the reaction amusing, because on the opposite side of the table JALEN then burst into laughter. It was the most expressive I'd ever seen him, granted I’d been seeing him for a total of maybe 15 minutes at the very most.

“I’m just fucking with you,” he assured me, smirk still on his face. “I might be a bit of a pessimist, but I don’t have the glass-half-empty approach to CHERRYADE. Or any of the boys, really. They might irritate me sometimes, and hate each other some other times, but I want us to stick it out a little longer. DOYEON might be the leader, but I’m the oldest. I kinda want to.. I don’t know, take care of them a bit.”

It was a surprisingly heartfelt answer, but also one that JALEN looked like he regretted as soon as it left his lips. He mimed throwing up in his mouth and shuddered a little, shaking his head as if to snap himself out of the caring side of himself that he’d just displayed.

“Nevermind. Gross.”

The somewhat-childish words made me crack a smile of my own, and it wasn’t that hard to relax a little after that. Questions seemed to flow easier, the ice having been broken.

“Forgive me if I’m prodding too far into it, but I think it’s something everyone wants to know: are there any.. You know, bad eggs? People you should look out for?”

His smirk widened, something of a scoff escaping him. “‘Bad eggs?’ Who the fuck says that anymore?”

“Just humour me. For the sake of the story.” Because any good journalist should be prepared to give up a little of their dignity for the sake of the story.

“There’s always ‘bad eggs.’ You’re not going to like everyone you meet.” Was his matter-of-fact (and very unsatisfactory answer), but before I could press for more he had continued on anyway. “But—well, yeah. Some people..” He trailed off to roll his eyes, taking another sip from the paper cup sat before him and looking like he was thinking of a way to put it that wasn’t filled to the brim with expletives and curses on said ‘people’s’ families. Although personally, I thought the more expletives, the better.

“Some people really piss me off,” he finally settled on, smile gone and replaced with the same carefully blank look he’d levelled at me earlier. “Even if I’ve never properly met them, I see the way they act and the way they talk and it just makes me wanna—” his hands squeezed together, one half raised as if he was thinking of making a punching motion, but then dropping back to the table once he’d thought better of it. “It makes me wanna throw up. Or, like, blow up at them Yijun-Inkigayo style.” 

The grin came back for a fleeting moment after the short-lasting silence that followed his answer, JALEN shooting me a quick wink to go with it. “Not naming any names, though. I’m not a snitch.”

Annoying, but understandable. He’d just expressed his sentiments over wanting to keep the group together, and so I doubted going on record and listing all the people he had qualms with would do wonders for that wish. I indulged in a few more fries before carrying on.

“How do you not do that, then? Lose it, that is.”

He shrugged, fingers tracing the surface of the table. “Self-control. You’ve just gotta force yourself not to react—not where they can see you, anyway. Every time I want to start a fight or call someone out I can just, like, see all the headlines and the videos and the tweets when I close my eyes, and it puts me off. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that there’s always someone watching, somewhere.”

There was a pause, but before I could assume that was the end of it and move on he was speaking up again. “I mean, that’s kind of the only reason I’m even here in the first place. DAEHOON and LEVI got in that fight, everything blew up, LEVI moved, and then the rest of us just.. Got shelved. Forgotten about. I was pretty much going insane from boredom, so when JAGUAR called up I felt like I couldn’t say yes fast enough. And it might not have been the best decision I’ve ever made, but..” he spread his palms, a sort of ‘what can you do’ motion. “I’m here now, so. Might as well see if I can hold out a bit more.”

With that, he brought his straw up to his lips again and drained the cup of its contents, leaving only the copious amount of ice cubes rattling around inside, before reaching forward and stealing a fry from its paper bag. The face he made after he’d swallowed told me all I needed to know of what he’d thought of it.

“Fuck me, those are awful.”

I attempted to hide the smile of my own by focusing back on my poor excuse of some notes, but it was hard to hold back when the noises of JALEN cracking open the plastic lid of his cup to desperately pop a few ice cubes in his mouth to try and get rid of the lingering aftertaste soon followed. For my last relatively longer question, I had decided to wait until he’d finished crunching through the frozen water to ask. It was only polite.

“If you could say anything—to, you know, all those wannabes, and up-and-comings, or even people who’ve been here just as long as you—what would it be? Some advice, what to and what not to do, I don’t know. Anything you want.”

It’s another one he takes a few seconds to think over, hands now gravitating to the multiple shining silver zippers of his leather jacket. The look on his face could almost be described as something wistful, at the risk of making him sound about twenty years older than he actually was.

“You have to be a bit shitty sometimes,” were his first words, plain and simple. “You can’t really get around that. You’ll get stressed and you’ll snap at your groupmates, or they’ll piss you off and you’ll retaliate, or someone else will be causing problems and you’ll step in. That’s just.. The truth—for me, at least. You can try and say you’re a good person all you want, but when there’s a comeback in a week and half your members have fucked off to go get drunk and the other half are either crying in their room or just doing absolutely fucking nothing—and to top it all off none of them are picking up their phones—then you’re not gonna end up acting like one.”

He was on a roll, clearly spurred on, and I made no move to stop him in his tracks.

“I mean, everyone’s a good person until a certain point, aren’t they? Or, they all still are perfectly good people, but once you’ve crossed a line it’s just so hard to come back from it there’s not really any point in trying. You start a fight once and everyone thinks you’re an argumentative piece of shit who can’t talk it out like an adult. You go out for the night once and everyone thinks you’re a party animal who goes stumbling back your apartment wasted as shit every day of the week. You smoke once, you’re an addict. You mention your childhood once and you’re either fishing for sympathy or think you’re some rich kid lording it over the rest of us. You can’t win, and you might as well just accept that while you can. You might’ve pulled up to your audition with pure intentions, but if you make it through then you’re definitely not going to come out as someone with your morals still intact by the end of it.”

To say I was in awe by the end of his speech would be something of an understatement. While I sat in silence, attempting to process the words that had just been laid upon me, JALEN just polished off the last of his ice and looked blankly into my dumbstruck face, completely unfazed by his own philosophy.

“Can I order another drink?”

I was powerless to do anything but agree. It got him to accept my offer of a quickfire round, after all, so I suppose it had some benefit (even if it came at the cost of my bank account).

You mentioned your ALGORHYTHM days earlier. How are you liking CHERRYADE compared to your previous group?

JL: Much more, I think. Don’t get me wrong, I loved most of my old members—Seol-hyung was great, and I think we worked pretty well together for most part—but we were newbies, then. Didn’t really know how to handle things properly. We got into fights pretty often. We still have fights now, like I said earlier, but I definitely think I deal with it better now. Back then I just blew up, or pretended nothing was happening. Plus, I think me and most of my members now have more similar mindsets to things—like music, for one. I can bounce way more ideas off of them than I could the last time around. Caiden and Youngmin really ran the show in my old group, I was never usually able to get a word in.

Speaking of music.. I know you’re all pretty involved with lyrics and production, so I feel like I have to ask: who are your inspirations? Any role models?

JL: My taste is pretty eclectic, so I would say everyone, but that’s pretty basic. I think I lean more towards dance and electronic artists—with the club scene I got into from my dad back home and everything. Guzz and Howie Lee are pretty big ones, I think, and I used to love N-Trance as a kid. Maybe even Kid Cudi, when I was a teenager. As for role models.. None.

Concept-wise, how do you feel about CHERRYADE? It’s not too.. I don’t know, childish?

JL: Sometimes it looks more like an LSD trip than anything childish—and I like that. The kind of ‘sweetness’ we lean towards is more on the makes-you-feel-sick end of the spectrum, and I think that’s kind of the point. We’re all rejects, apart from Hasun-ah, so I guess it’s just playing up that fact. ‘The world’s worst supergroup,’ I saw someone call us. It was kinda funny.

Another one that might be a little risky.. How’s JAGUAR treating you, as a company?

JL: Just fine. Don’t worry, I’m not being forced to say that. It’s—nice. There’s this massive lounge with a kitchen on one floor, the staff are nice, and the producers are too—Daejin is my favourite, but don’t tell Joosun I said that. The big boss isn’t too bad, either. A little.. Weird, but I can live with it. It’s not like we see him that much. Jaeyoung-hyung’s a bit flighty, but only sometimes. It’s. Yeah. It’s fine, really.

Met any of their other artists, yet? People have seen you and Kil Jiyeol around, I’ve heard.

JL: Yeah, actually. Not YOON, obviously, because.. You know. But I’ve seen the old JUST4U members around once or twice—I think I heard the word ‘reunion’ being tossed around, but you really didn’t hear that from me—and they’re barely around, but the rest of Yijun’s old members are pretty cool too. Jiyeol-hyung especially. We get on really well, I always like when we hang out.

One more for the road, then, and then I promise I’ll let you go. Got any spoilers for a possible CHERRYADE comeback?

JL: Can I be honest? Who knows. We should just hope there is one, to be honest. Not to say I think we’re disbanding, or anything, but.. We haven’t heard much on the schedule side of things, is all I’ll say. It might be a few more months in the making. Cross your fingers, I guess.

Well, on that ominous note.. I thank you very much for your precious time. Maybe we’ll catch up in future? You do have my business card, don’t you?

JL: Somewhere, probably.. But, yeah, thank you too. It wasn’t too bad, even if the fries definitely were.

They weren’t that bad, were they? I think you’re exaggerating.

JL: And I think I’m leaving. Goodnight, Yeonwoo-ssi.

He proceeds to do just that, sliding out of the booth and nodding to me in goodbye. All I could do was wave him out, watching as the door swung shut behind him and I was left to clean up all of our joint rubbish, give a half-bow to the teenagers behind the counter, and take my own leave. The main conclusion I drew is that DUAN JALEN is just as elusive as he’d been before I’d officially met him even when he was sitting right in front of me—but in the best of ways. Mystery draws people in, after all, and I do so hope that method continues to work for both him and the rest of CHERRYADE. As doubtful as he’d sounded about it, the future of their career was one I think many will be watching as the months go by. Myself included, of course.

Even though it came out five months ago, I still would like to direct your attention to the fact that DOUBLE DIP—CHERRYADE’s first full album—is out on all streaming platforms. Make sure to give it a listen.

When you think of ‘TASTE TEST’ (released on the 18th of March 2022) a lot of things could spring to mind. Dating scandals. Spray paint. Jaehee trying to do a kickflip in a photoshoot behind and falling flat on his ass (much to the delight of everyone watching). It was an era full of fun and colour and laughter. Breaking ‘DOUBLE DIP’s records in both sales and wins, CHERRYADE’s first full album was far from a failure. Taking their concept in a more mature direction, as was both teased at in tracks ‘Flavour’ and ‘All Day’ from their debut, ‘TASTE TEST’ is often remembered in the same breath as their more intimate choreographies, the bets made behind stage as to who would come up with the most cringe-worthy ending fairy, and the childish snickers of the members as they traded innuendos while writing the lyrics for the nine main tracks that make up this album.

⠀ᝪ  .ᐟ⠀⠀▬ ▬ ▬⠀⠀the  stats

RELEASED⠀18 / 03 / 2022

PROMOTIONAL PERIOD⠀4 WEEKS

UNITS SOLD⠀1M

WINS⠀5

⠀ᝪ  .ᐟ⠀⠀▬ ▬ ▬⠀⠀the  tracks

INTRO: REPLICATE⠀WRITTEN 대진 PROD. 주순

TURN IT UP⠀WRITTEN 해일 PROD. 대진

THIRST⠀LEAD⠀WRITTEN 해일 & 잘렌 PROD. 대진

GIMME⠀WRITTEN 宜君 & 잘렌 PROD. 주순

TAKE IT OFF⠀WRITTEN 잘렌 PROD. 대진

LOVE TRAP⠀WRITTEN 도연 & 대진 PROD. 대진

REPLAY⠀WRITTEN 재희 & 대진 PROD. 대진

BAD DREAM⠀WRITTEN 宜君 PROD. 주순

FEEL NOTHING⠀PROMOTED B-SIDE⠀WRITTEN 고고 & 대진 PROD. 주순

MOVING ON⠀WRITTEN 하선 & 해일 PROD. 주순

FlipSide⠀⸻⠀the  following  overviews  have  been  outsourced  from  various  netizens.  general  consensus:  ★★★★★

ഒ⠀from  user  doyeonmotion⠀21032022

To kick the album off, we have the 50-second-long ‘INTRO: REPLICATE’ that neatly wraps up all of the themes that are presumably going to be covered in a neat four-word verse: ‘lovin,’ sexin,’ drink, repeat.’ You can’t get much more direct than that. Second of all comes ‘Turn it UP!’—a Haeil-penned anthem that really gets you into the swing of things with a siren audible in the background, as if telling those listening to really wake up and strap themselves in for the ride. ‘Thirst’ is a dramatic shift that, admittedly, was forewarned, a seductive number written by Haeil and Jalen in which they confess that both ‘I’m so thirsty, give me more, I want you’ and ‘you got me feeling raw.’ Yijun and Jalen’s joint effort ‘GIMME’ is quite straightforward in its intentions, as well as being the group’s first song sung in Mandarin, a nod to both of the writer’s country of origin. Fifth is ‘take it off,’ one of Jalen’s (intentionally lowercase) many sensual contributions to ‘TASTE TEST.’ The members croon about the scent of the object of their affections, waxing lyrical about how just the smell of their perfume can contain all of their memories together, with the whistle in the backtrack somewhat reminiscent of ‘All Day’ from their debut project.

Starting off the second half we have ‘Love Trap,’ a somewhat darker turn (surprisingly with lyrics contributed to by Doyeon) in which they tell listeners that they’ve been ‘caught by me, there is no way out.’ Seventh is ‘Replay,’ marking Jaehee’s first time appearing in CHERRYADE credits, following up the previous darker themes by talking of the feeling of losing control, of feeling scared as he confesses his reflection in the mirror in ‘unfamiliar.’ After that we have ‘Bad Dream,’ yet another powerful track written by Yijun, wherein he asserts the (apparent, if we’re going off of what happened during ‘DOUBLE DIP’) fact that he’ll ‘take you down.’ Nearing the end is ‘Feel Nothing,’ a fan-favourite anthem full of overwhelming emotions, as they sing about wanting time to stop so they can savour a moment just a little longer—with the track marking Gogo’s lyrical contribution debut. And what a debut it is! Anyway, finally we have ‘Moving On,’ Hasun and Haeil’s quite blunt message that ‘love is banned.’ Quite a disheartening message to the more.. Hopeful fans, that’s for sure.

ഒ⠀from  user  cherryhee⠀27032022

For the positives-wise of this era, while the songs that most were against have mostly been forgotten about by those who weren’t a fan, the ones that were liked were liked. ‘Feel Nothing’ immediately comes to mind as an example as the promoted B-side, and it has ranked high in the favourites lists I’ve seen from most (if not all) fans.

‘TASTE TEST’ has also been an era full of content. Whilst during ‘DOUBLE DIP’ the company appeared to have refrained from going full-on with promotional material (the group barely participated in any interviews, nor made an appearance on any variety shows, for example), now that they’re presumably sure the crowds aren’t going to scrape through every second of extra footage they’re provided in an attempt to find evidence of the seven all hating one another’s guts, we were a given a lot more to watch. There were fun little vlogs of the member’s daily routines or fun off-schedule outings that started popping up on their Youtube (Gogo and Jaehee being the ones that have uploaded the most), short backstage videos showing their banter-filled conversations when they weren’t performing, and they’ve also appeared on fun little variety shows every now and again. Personal Instagrams were also officially opened, so they’ve been even more free to post what they liked. 

It seemed that the public accounts weren’t what the people were interested in, though. A couple weeks ago photos were leaked from a few member’s private Instagrams—and what they entailed was far from the tame photo dumps on any of their mains. With the central offenders being Yijun, Gogo, and Haeil, what was leaked included smoke clouds being blown into the the camera, shot after shot being thrown back, and (on Gogo’s part) even some kissing strangers, who—although it was both much too dark and much too blurry to tell—looked to include both women and men. There was a fair amount of outrage caused mainly by those who can’t really understand the concept of ‘fun,’ but when Yijun recently addressed it on a live all he said was that he’d weeded out the person who had leaked the images—and (rightly so) refused to apologise for what he and his fellow members had been seen doing.

Everything else scandal-wise came down to a few meagre dating rumours that sparked in both Jalen and Doyeon’s case, although both were shut down fairly quickly (Jalen, after he was seen out and about on the town with former BONSOIR member Jiyeol, coming out and saying the pair were just friends, and Doyeon debunking his rumour by telling a curious fan that it was just a producer for JAGUAR that he was close with), and I hope that about wraps up the negatives of this era.

ഒ⠀from  user  hasunshine⠀16042021

Styling was just as colourful as it had been during ‘DOUBLE DIP,’ and this time leaned in a more skater-esque direction. Baggy layer on baggy layer, odd shoes, skateboard accessories, graffiti, the whole nine yards. There was also a sort of frutiger metro (I use that term loosely, though) feel to the promotional material (teasers, concept photos, etc)—with silhouettes, sparkles, halftones, and quite a cartoonish effect to a fair few things. Fans were also half-sure they’d ripped off a 2000’s iPod commercial (you know the one) with one video, but instead of making a fuss they just ran with it, enjoying what they were given.

Overall, while ‘TASTE TEST’ wasn’t my favourite out of all the group’s eras, it was still one I enjoyed experiencing very much. Shout out Gogo, we all know why.

(¬_¬) ⠀at  a  glance  ⠀𝄂𝄂𝄀𝄁𝄃𝄂𝄂𝄃⠀  tastetest.jpg ⠀(  OO3  )

ఇ⠀PRACTICE ROOM⠀3RD JUNE,  2021

Doyeon looked like he was an untied shoelace away from snapping.

It was just them in the practice room, the others having left not long after the choreographer did to spend the rest of their evenings however they so desired. Hasun stayed because of the creeping worry he was falling behind, an uncomfortable feeling hanging over his head that if he didn’t get up to standard soon he would simply be cut. Easily, thoughtlessly, as he had seen the company do before and feared they would do again.

Why Doyeon was still there, though, he had no clue. The older seemed miles ahead of him in terms of talent, every move he made flowing perfectly into the next. Doyeon was like honey, slow and sure and golden, and Hasun supposed that made him something of an irritating bee hovering just next to him, trying to replicate it for himself. He had first tried to just shut him out, focus on his own steps and twists and turns, but soon the force of Doyeon’s trainers against the wooden floor were starting to drown out the music from the speakers, and Hasun had been watching him ever since, barely attempting to keep up the pretence of following the routine anymore. His movements were ghosts of what they had been earlier, eyes fixed on the figure next to him in the mirror.

The older boy seemed.. Off. What was once honey-smooth now looked more jerky, forceful. Like it was being pulled out of him, every movement too big for his body. His face was blank, eyes far away, and his hands were curled into fists at his side. Hasun’s brows drew together, mouth opening to call out, to try and snap Doyeon out of whatever trance he looked to have fallen into, but he faltered in the face of the rhythmic beat of trainers against floorboards and the melodic vocals of their mock-up debut track playing on repeat.

Everything seemed to grow in volume. Feet on the floor. His breathing in his ears. Music from the speaker, lyrics from the song. It was a climbing crescendo, and the chilling feeling was back—running along the nape of his neck, a feather-light touch across his skin that left it crawling. Something felt wrong.

The music only felt like it got louder, after that. As if protesting against the sense of dread that was slowly seeping into his train of thinking. His hands were cold, his feet ached, his eyes widened. Everything was slowing down, and Doyeon was stopping in place, and his eyes seemed to snap open in realisation, finally awake, and then—then he was crumbling to the floor, a pained yell ringing out around the room that echoed horribly in Hasun’s ears. The demo track carried on.

He was by his side in a second, hands cautious as they hovered for a moment before he finally settled them first on his back, then moved to his shoulder. He didn’t know what to do. Doyeon pushed to sit upright, the clouded-over look in his eyes replaced with something that Hasun couldn’t name, and didn’t know how to describe. 

“Hyung. Are—are you alright? Should I go get someone?”

The way the older one reacted made it seem like nothing sounded worse. He jerked further upright, shifting out of Hasun’s hesitant grip, and his hand made to grab at his arm, eyes suddenly frantic. “No, fuck. I’m.. I’m alright, Hasun-ah. See?”

To demonstrate, he pushed himself to stand and presented his hands in a flourish. It was almost believable, until he moved to take a step and one of his knees nearly buckled all over again. Doyeon slumped back to the floor before his legs could do it for him, face pale and all excuses shocked silent.

Hasun was starting to panic. His hands rose to try and reach for the dancer again, but he shoved them back by his sides when he saw how much they were shaking. Idiot, he berated himself, glaring hard at the floor so Doyeon didn’t see the unsurety in his face. You’re supposed to be helping.

“Are you sure, hyung? Please don’t lie, I don’t.. I don’t know what to do.”

To Hasun’s horror, he felt the hot prickle of tears threatening to fall, a broken half-sob clogging up his throat before he choked it down and clamped a hand over his mouth. Shame came not long afterwards, the tips of his ears burning red-hot. He couldn’t be breaking down, not now, not here—not when, if anything, it should’ve been Doyeon brought to tears. Doyeon who seemed to be the picture of calm in that moment, teeth coming to gnaw at his bottom lip as he yanked up the leg of his sweatpants to inspect his ankle, brow furrowing slightly at what he saw. He lifted his gaze from his leg to try and reassure the youngest one more time, but stopped still when he saw the tears shining in his eyes, resolutely avoiding eye contact. His words faltered, coming out stilted, awkward. The positions had flipped, and now Doyeon was the one with no clue of what move to make.

“Hasun-ah, I’m fine. Hyung’s fine. There’s no need to—just. Don’t cry, Hasun-ah. Please.”

His attempts at consolement were flimsy, crumbling at the foundations, and so he gently set a hand atop the maknae’s head instead. That seemed to be all Hasun needed for him to collapse into Doyeon’s shoulder, head down and cries muffled in the thin fabric of his sweater. The demo track was still playing from the speakers, lyrics looping over and over. Hasun wished he was back in the dorms. In bed, underneath a duvet in a room that at thirteen had seemed so much like a stranger but he now knew like the back of his hand. He wanted his tears to dry, the music to stop, a warm meal that evening, and for Doyeon to be alright. For everyone to be alright. He wanted to make it, and he wanted everyone to be fine when they did.

Doyeon appeared to understand without him saying a word. He simply pulled him in closer, his hand making its way to stroke over his hair softly, tangling and untangling the strands between his fingers. There they sat; in the practice room long after everyone else had left, long after the sun had set. Bruises were starting to form around Doyeon’s ankle, sickening shades of purple and blue. Hasun’s hands were still cold, his head starting to hurt from the soft sobs that wracked through his frame. Neither of them paid any mind to those things, for now.

“We’ll be alright, Hasunnie. We’ll get through this.”

Maybe it was an empty promise, but Hasun didn’t care. It was good enough for him.

ఇ⠀NIGHTCLUB⠀5TH JULY,  2021

“Why are we here, Jalen-hyung?”

The strobe lights were hurting his eyes, painting him pink and purple and blue and a whole other range of colours he was too overwhelmed to remember the name of, the bass of whatever EDM remix they were bumping was matching how fast his heart was beating, and his hands were sweaty from where they were holding onto the back of Jalen’s shirt in a vice grip as the older led them through the back-alley club he’d dragged him to—for what reason, he could do nothing but guess.

Jalen turned back to him, the white of his teeth when he grinned gleaming at him even through the pseudo-darkness. “Inspiration. Why else? You said you wanted to write a song, didn’t you?”

Hasun shifted, straightening up when somebody knocked into him from behind and then carried on pushing their way through the crowd without so much as a nod of apology. “Not about anything like this. I’m not—I’m not even allowed to be in here yet.”

All he got in response was an eyeroll, and then suddenly Jalen was off again, finally coming to a stop at a rare empty booth that he shoved Hasun into before cramming up next to him. Sweat was starting to bead across his forehead from the stuffiness of the room, and the older one’s voice was too loud in his ear when he leaned in close to yell in it.

“So just don’t tell anyone! It's not like I’m making you do shots, I’m just trying to get you inspired. What is it you even want to write, anyway?”

That was where Hasun stopped in his tracks, suddenly far too interested in the rings on his fingers than meeting Jalen’s eyes. The thing was.. He himself didn’t really know. Hasun just knew he wanted to do something, contribute something other than his vocals on the tracks and dancing for the stages. Every single one of the other members already had things to show, traits they were known for, both personalities and reputations already established (for better or, in some cases, for much worse), and Hasun had nothing. He was the nobody, the new boy. So he figured a good way to show people he wasn’t going to just stand around without pulling his weight would be to get his name in the credits for one song, at the very least.

But he couldn’t relay all that to Jalen. He’d probably just laugh, leer, pat him on the head and tell him that his voice would be more than enough, because he didn’t get it. Because it wouldn’t, it wasn’t, and it never would be. That was one of the first things he’d learned as a trainee, standing in the cold one November evening while his cousin stubbed out cigarettes under her stilettos and ingrained into him things that he’d never learn in any practice room.

They never just want your voice. Or your talent as a dancer, or your pretty white smile. It’s not that easy. You have to be someone, you know. You have to be the one who tells the best jokes, or gets the most girls, or the one who looks like they just don’t give a fuck about anything—about anyone. You have to write the songs, or get yourself onto billboards, or say the most in all the interviews. In short: you’re not enough. She never said it, but it was written in the fine lines, the footnotes. Hasun was desperate to please and to prove, so with knuckling down and shoving some lyrics in front of their producer’s face with a hopeful smile he hoped to kill both of those birds with one stone.

But he couldn’t relay all that to Jalen. So instead he just shrugged, raising his head and trying not to mumble so he’d be heard over the music. 

“I don’t know. Just.. Something. Something fun.” Something worthy. Something that’s enough.

The older one again gestured at the atmosphere around them, with a force that sent one of his dangling earrings swinging and an eyebrow raised in expectation. “Fun? We’re at just the place for it.”

For him, maybe. Hasun had overheard all the stories Haeil had playfully forced him to tell the rest about his life back home, everything he’d seen and done so far. Scenes like this probably felt like a place where he could slip into a second skin, into a nature he’d grown up inhabiting. For Hasun it felt like being thrown into the deep end, locked in a cage with his oxygen cut off. Everywhere he looked was another flash of glittering fabric, sparkling jewellery, and on occasion an LED-endowed vape clutched in the hand of a drunk partygoer—which Hasun was half-sure was allowed just as much as him even being in this place at all, but from how run-down the entire establishment looked (from both the outside and in) he wouldn’t be surprised if the smoke alarm’s wires had been cut long before anyone started flicking lighters or hitting blinkers.

The air felt as if it was weighed down, so laden with the force of sweat and perfume and powder that Hasun felt that if he stuck his tongue out he would be able to taste it. He laughed weakly in response to Jalen’s question and shimmied down further into his side, trying his best to melt into the cheap leather even if the stench of the alcohol that had seeped through it made him want to retch.

Unfortunately, Jalen wouldn’t let him off that easily. His grip around his arm wasn’t a rough one, but it was firm enough that he tugged him back into sitting upwards with ease. His gaze when he turned to stare into Hasun’s eyes was unflinching and uncomfortable, and the youngest wished he’d said yes when Jalen had asked if he was doing anything that night.

“Stop moping, just humour me for a minute. Ignore this shitty music, ignore everyone else—just stay in your head and think. Lyrics can be anything, you know. No one’s expecting us to bring anything deep to the table. Fuck it, you can write about the awful shade of purple they’ve painted the walls if it means you’ve got a song on your hands. Just.. You know. Try.”

Try. Try and write something fun. Something enough. He tossed Jalen a wary look in the face of his gentle encouragement, but broke the eye contact and tried to push out the overbearing noise thumping into his skull anyway. Stay in your head. His mind was quiet, a place of solace, and he slowly lowered his head into the comfort of his folded arms atop the table, tugging his beanie down over his ears in an attempt to muffle the bass even further, and thought. Felt.

It took a while for anything to form, while he sat there and stared into the ocean of neon lights and young recklessness, and when it did it didn’t even come all at once. It didn’t come in a perfect flow of intro-verse-chorus-verse, but instead in broken lines. Or rather, just one. But he shot upright all the same, wishing he’d had the sense to grab his phone off of his nightstand before allowing himself to be dragged here, and Jalen next to him jerked in surprise, eyes wide as Hasun tugged harshly on the sleeve of his jacket.

“Hyung. We need to go. I need to write this down.”

Jalen’s grin was just as wide as it had been earlier, and looked to gleam even brighter as he got to his feet and gave the youngest a hand, arm around his shoulders as he tugged him out the same entrance they’d come in from. Hasun’s eyes were trained on his feet, at the floor, desperately trying to keep what he’d thought of in mind, trying not to lose it to the tug of the crowd and the rhythm of the music. It wasn’t whole, wasn’t any sort of final product or finished piece, but when it was..

When it was, then maybe it would be enough. But only then.

ఇ⠀CHERRYADE DORM⠀21ST JULY,  2021

The voices in the kitchen were far too loud for Hasun’s liking. He almost hadn’t heard them at all, because debut was around the corner and they were being worked to the bone, but the combination of the walls being so thin, his room being the closest to the kitchen, and the slamming of the front door with the harsh back-and-forth between whoever was out there that followed not long afterwards was enough to rouse him. He shifted upwards in his bed, bleary eyes struggling to make out one foot from the other as he shoved back the thin duvet and reached for a hoodie tossed over the chair shoved against his tiny desk. He was gentle as he pushed open the door, quiet as he pushed it closed behind him. The only light was coming from the warm yellow bulb under the stove hood, and bathed in it he could just barely make out Haeil sitting on the counter, face half obscured by the figure in front of him. 

Hasun made to step closer, to ask what was going on, until he snapped to full attention at the sound of Jalen’s voice, the coldness of his tone cutting straight through the otherwise warm atmosphere.

“What the fuck were you thinking? Are you drunk? Is that it? How could you do something so stupid?”

Haeil’s face twisted into something ugly, and he shifted away from the older man in front of him, hand reaching up to rub at one of his eyes. His reply was just as harsh, his usual apathetic state turned cruel by whatever argument he was in the middle of.

“I’m not drunk, and I’m not stupid, either. God, you make it sound like I asked for this to happen. If you’re just going to give me a lecture, you can fuck off. I can take care of this by myself.”

Jalen’s returning scoff hurt Hasun’s ears. He only pressed closer, bringing his hands up to hold Haeil’s face in a way that was far too soft for how he was berating him only moments earlier. Hasun felt slightly sick, skin burning too hot for the thick fabric of his hoodie. He didn’t think he was supposed to be seeing this or hearing this at all. But he couldn’t turn away, rooted to the spot out of the morbid curiosity that was eating through him.

“Can’t you just let me help, for once? It’s late. Knowing you, you’ll knock everything over and wake everyone up. I don’t want to deal with a pissy Yijun at two in the morning, thanks.”

Despite how Jalen’s tone had lightened, lifting at the end in a half-attempt at a joke, a hand reaching out for Haeil to take, a silent plea for them to agree on a truce, the rapper was resistant. He squirmed out of the vocalist’s hold once again, and turned his eyes towards his feet, words only just above a mumble—so quiet that Hasun strained forward in order to hear, and hated himself a bit for it.

“You’re not my mother.”

The play at being civil dropped, then. So abruptly that Hasun could feel it in the air—like there was a drop in temperature, a shift in the mood. It was a step too far. The three steps back that came as the fallout to Jalen’s weak excuse of moving forward. Jalen straightened up, all previous notions of helping Haeil discarded, forgotten. His next words sounded mean in a way Hasun hadn’t known Jalen to be, conjuring up in his head a cartoonishly cruel smile on Jalen’s face even if his back was turned.

“That’s a bit rich coming from you, isn’t it? Has she called?”

Silence rang out in the kitchen. If Haeil had taken it a step too far, then Jalen had just ripped it apart with his bare hands. All was quiet for a few moments longer, before the oldest moved to speak up again, hand slowly raising to Haeil—who was just.. Staring at him, eyes saying far more than either of them could ever out loud and body stunned still—again, before he dropped it with a sigh and turned on his heel. Hasun froze on the spot, unsure of whether he should return to the safety of his own room or press himself as close to the wall as possible and hope Jalen would brush right past him in the dark.

But before he could come to a decision Jalen had solved the issue for him, simply brushing straight past him without a mere glance in his direction and wrenching open the door to his own room, letting it slam carelessly shut behind him and leaving Haeil behind on the counter watching in silence, mouth having opened as if to call out after him but then thinking better of it, and Hasun with his heart thumping hard in his chest, socked feet unmoving from where he’d been stood throughout the whole ordeal.

And then there were two. Haeil looked to have curled in on himself, head hanging and arms loosely wrapped around his sides, and Hasun felt he had to do something—because if he’d gleaned anything from the conversation he’d just overheard, it was that something had gone wrong. So he steeled himself, pulled his hood down from where he’d had it covering his messy head of hair, and stepped forward into the low kitchen light.

“Hyung? Are you—is everything alright? I just heard some noise, so..” The lie settled uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach, but it was better than admitting what he’d just overheard. Haeil startled at his voice, head snapping up to face him, and what looked back at Hasun was a face that held something far worse than any of the scenarios the youngest had been thinking of. Haeil’s face was bruised, beaten, the beginnings of a black eye already starting to form. His arms looked to fared a little better, but there was blood still sluggishly oozing from one of his scraped knees. The laugh he let out in response to Hasun’s question echoed around the empty room, sounding almost hollow.

“Does it look alright? Think some concealer would cover it up fine? Some drunk fuck jumped me while I was—just. While I was out.”

His skin was burning hot to the touch, and Hasun’s hands were shaking as he tried to figure out what to do. He felt like he was back under the stark white lights of the practice room with a fallen Doyeon before him, a fawn on unstable legs. Haeil was a lot less receptive to his panic, though, simply pushing himself off of the counter (biting back a curse when he did so, the leg he’d injured shaking a bit when he landed on it too hard on his bare feet) and opening up the cupboard they’d unspokenly agreed was meant for the more miscellaneous things, fishing around for the unopened box of plasters and throwing Hasun a half-hearted thumbs-up when he found them.

“I’ll be fine, Hasun-ah. It’s nothing a little bit of water won’t fix. Why don’t you go back to bed, hm? Hyung’s sorry for waking you up.”

The bathroom was all the way at the other end of the hall, and Hasun watched on in silence as Haeil hobbled his way down, melting further and further away from the warm kitchen light and disappearing into the darkness, the only sound being his bare footsteps padding across the wooden floor. Bright white illuminated his silhouette when he switched on the bathroom light, the blooming bruises on his pale skin almost unearthly in the unnatural glow. He turned and met Hasun’s waiting gaze over his shoulder, and the look he gave him felt inconceivable. The moment stretched on for a beat, another.

Haeil turned back and slammed the door shut behind him, taking the light as he went. Hasun, now standing alone in the kitchen, clad in his socks and sleep shorts and threadbare hoodie, felt like there was something he wasn’t getting—that there were lines he couldn’t see, and so was unable to read between.

But he supposed he’d never find out now. The only thing left to do was flick the stove light off and trudge back to his bedroom, falling back onto his bed and being unable to do anything but close his eyes and try to dream.

Haeil’s eyes stared back at him when he did; asking a question Hasun didn’t know how to answer, wanting to hear things Hasun didn’t know how to say.

ఇ⠀CAFÉ⠀30TH AUGUST,  2021

It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Yijun smile, but it was certainly one of the only. Hasun had no clue who he was talking to on the other end of the phone, but whoever they were had the main rapper grinning like a fool, all while Jaehee and himself were left to sit opposite and make small talk—which wasn’t going all that well either, seeing as Jaehee was far too busy trying to eavesdrop into the other’s phone call to make any sort of conversation with the youngest. So the only real source of entertainment he had was to play with the straw poking out of the top of his smoothie (that Yijun had earlier commandeered one sip of, and then proceeded to fake-retch at the taste of) or people-watch from their convenient window seat, watching as couples and friend groups and lone individuals wandered by.

“Do you have to? Fine, if whatever you’re doing is more important than me, then go ahead, but just know I’m getting you back next time I see you. Mm. Alright. Love you, bye.”

His conversation apparently having ended, Yijun carelessly let his phone clatter back onto the table and sat back in his chair, taking his coffee with him as he did so. Jaehee leaned forward eagerly, grin on his face as he started his interrogation.

“Who was that?” The leering expression on his face made Hasun feel like Jaehee knew perfectly well who it was, and was only asking to piss Yijun off.

The question served its purpose to a T. Yijun turned his nose up and released the bitten straw from his lips to snap back at him almost immediately. “None of your business. Nosy fuck.”

The fellow rapper pulled a face, slumping back into his own seat but not staying deterred for long, piping back up after only a few seconds of sulking. “I was just asking, god.”

Hasun wanted to finish his drink as fast as possible and leave the two to their oncoming argument, but at the same time he felt he needed to attempt to mediate. Surely they wouldn’t start yelling like they did on occasion back at the dorms—seeing as the café they were all sitting in was a very public place, and with Yijun’s first group scandal already under his belt after his run-in with a senior at Inkigayo they were already walking on thin ice.

“Well, don’t.” Came Yijun’s snappy reply, taking another pointed sip of his drink that drained the rest of it and setting it back down on the table with the force that made his phone jump in its place face-down on the smooth surface. “Why are you even here? I don’t want you to be.”

The pout on Jaehee’s face was starting to morph into something that looked more like a scowl. “Who died and made you leader? I’ll go where I want, I don’t care if you want me there or not.” It seemed like a final statement, but then the rapper was turning towards Hasun with another sudden grin that made him look like something of a cartoon shark, wide and pointy. “Hasunnie does, doesn’t he?”

Shifting awkwardly in his seat, now with the force of two unblinking pairs of eyes on him, the youngest gave a nondescript gesture that was an amalgamated mix of a shrug and a nod and wished the ground would swallow him whole. Jaehee huffed, seemingly unsatisfied with his answer, and Yijun burst into laughter.

“Doesn’t look much like it to me. You’re really running out of allies if even our maknae can’t bear to spend time with you.”

And with that, Jaehee reached his breaking point for the day. It always went like this, as Hasun had come to learn over the months they’d spent together. Jaehee prodded, and then Yijun shoved and broke and snapped in retaliation. The scraping sound of his chair legs against the floor was ugly, grated against Hasun’s ears, but where he winced, Yijun simply picked his phone back up and went back to scrolling mindlessly at something or other, not sparing the rapper a singular glance.

“I’m calling Jaeyoung-hyung. I’ll just—I’ll see you back at the dorms.”

He was gone without another word, one hand clutching the remnants of his drink and the other bringing his phone up to his ear, turning back for a moment to meet the eyes of Hasun watching him go and throwing him a final thin smile that looked too fake on his lips before he pushed the door open with a shoulder and was disappearing off down the street, only pausing for half a second to pull his hood up over his head despite the late-afternoon sun still being high in the sky.

“Well,” Yijun began, shoving his phone in his pocket for the time being as soon as Jaehee was out of sight and turning to face Hasun properly. “That was quicker than usual. Maybe it’s because my friend on the phone is a touchy subject for our Jaehee.”

It had sounded more like a sore spot for Yijun himself, but Hasun wasn’t too keen on meeting the same fate as Jaehee, and so kept his mouth shut. The silence that then fell over them wasn’t awkward, by any means, but it wasn’t the most comfortable either. Hasun just focused on finishing his drink, wondering if he should tell the older man to go ahead and not bother to wait up. The words were on the tip of his tongue, shifting to sit further upright so they’d come out coherent and not a jumbled mess of syllables, but before he could say them Yijun poorly stifled a yawn and slumped down in his chair, a hand coming up to rake through his hair before the other joined it to dig the heels of his palms into his eyes for a brief moment.

He looked tired, all of a sudden, all the fight from earlier having left him. He reached into his pocket for his phone again, but swore under his breath when the screen stayed dark, battery dead. The youngest watched as his hands squeezed together tight before just barely relaxing, fingers coming to pick at hangnails and teeth gnawing at his bottom lip. Hasun took a breath, another, and then slowly brought his own phone out of his pocket, unlocked it, and held it out to the rapper. He didn’t know what Yijun wanted it for, but he was going to offer it all the same. Watching the older all twitchy and uncomfortable felt odd, unnatural, and he wanted to see him back to his normal self (even if that didn’t mean someone particularly kind, or caring, or all that nice at all) as soon as possible. Yijun stopped his picking and looked at the home screen of Hasun and Eunhee arm-in-arm to the face of the youngest and back again, hesitating.

“Take it, hyung, it’s fine. Just don’t.. I don’t know, drain my bank account.”

Yijun scoffed and rolled his eyes, quickly back to his usual brash act even if his hands were wary when they took the device from Hasun’s hands. “As if. I’d only do that to Jaehee, Hasun-ah. You’re my favourite, you know that.”

Hasun grinned, happy to see him back to normal even if it was just for show, just to save face. He then finally finished off his own drink and set it down on the table, getting the feeling he wasn’t really supposed to stick around any longer to listen in on any more conversations Yijun was probably going to have. He started to get his things together, yanking the zipper of his hoodie up and shooting the rapper a smile.

“I’ll go first, hyung. Call a cab when you go if it gets late, don’t walk home on your own.”

Yijun made to protest, but Hasun stopped him before he could say a word and stood from his seat, granting the older a wave as he gently pushed open the door and stepped out into what was gradually turning into the early evening. He’d get back before dark if he walked quickly, and so only turned back for a moment to grin one last time at the rapper before he turned and was on his way, wondering absently what was waiting (or rather, what was left) for him in the fridge back at the dorms.

Later that night, when Yijun slipped into his room after only a quiet knock, he gently placed his phone back onto the bedside table and gave Hasun a look that conveyed to him all of the thanks he knew the other would never be caught dead saying out loud. There were no words that needed to be shared between them, nothing more that needed to be said.

It was only a small moment of understanding, one that passed as quickly as it had arrived, but it left Hasun feeling warm all the same. Left him feeling like he was getting somewhere, finally.

ఇ⠀DOWNTOWN GANGNAM⠀16TH SEPTEMBER,  2021

This was supposed to be a coffee run. They had practice in ten minutes, and instead of doing what he said he was going to do, Minhui had hopped out of the car, blew a kiss goodbye to Jaeyoung (and got a middle finger in return), took Hasun by the arm, and dragged him along to the closest shopping centre. He’d counted three coffee shops, and the dancer hadn’t spared a glance at any of them. Minhui seemed more interested in the rack of fur coats—made from animals that Hasun could only guess, in so many outlandish patterns and thicknesses and the rest that it almost looked like a scene from a movie.

“Hyung,” he hesitantly began, looking over his shoulder before drawing closer to the still-browsing older boy. Minhui only hummed in response, half-listening. “I really don’t think we should be..”

He was promptly cut off with zero remorse. “Shut up. Try this on for me, it’ll only take a minute.”

A coat twice the size of him was suddenly being flung in his direction, and he only just barely caught it, before looking back up at the dancer, wide-eyed. At the sound of their commotion a few other browsers had turned to see what all the fuss was about, and it made Hasun want to melt into the floor. At the maknae’s pleading gaze, Minhui simply rolled his eyes.

“Stop panicking, won’t you? I doubt we were actually going to practise today anyway—Yijunnie fucked off to go see some of his ex-members, and Haeil-hyung was out again last night. But if we get in trouble, then don’t worry,” he threw Hasun an overexaggerated wink, his smirk cat-like and vaguely unsettling. “Hyung will take the fall for you, aegi.”

He shuddered at the term of endearment, and Minhui clearly revelled in his displeased reaction if his responding cackle was anything to go by. Still, Hasun turned the coat around and slowly slid it off its hanger, before tugging it over his shoulders. It felt odd on his bare arms, the interior lining not so much a wild and fluffy affair as it was a silkier and smoother fabric. Minhui cooed again far too loudly when he gave him an indulgent flourish of his arms, tugging his phone out of his back pocket and aiming it straight at him.

“Yah, hyung. I never said you could take pictures.” His complaints were rather unfounded when he wasn’t doing anything to stop him, but he felt he needed to get the message across anyway. Minhui, of course, ignored it.

“You never said I couldn't, either! Do a twirl for us, Hasun-ah.”

Muttering under his breath the whole while, Hasun did as told while the dancer snickered and snapped picture after picture every second of the process. He found he felt less worried about the potential prospect of missing practice the longer he was away from the company building, everything being much easier to forget when it felt like it was just him and Minhui—no managers, no staff, no-one. Just them, the generic pop songs they were playing on the in-store speakers, and a rack of fur coats.

Minhui got bored eventually, after he’d made Hasun try on everything he could find that piqued his interest, and he left the maknae struggling to catch up when he abruptly walked straight back out the entrance to the store in the same manner he’d entered: rushed, in a way, every step almost too quick to catch, but also with purpose, confidence. Like he was the owner of every location the chain belonged to, dropping in for a surprise visit and putting everyone on edge before leaving again.

He hadn’t seemed to have figured out their next stop, as when they were out in the busy Gangnam street again he stopped and turned aimlessly a few times, taking in the abundance of billboards and flashing lights and people everywhere he looked. Hasun took a small step away from him, not exactly wanting to be associated with the pink-haired dancer twirling around on the spot while innocent onlookers were made to be his witnesses, but similarly took a moment to simply stand and stare at the bustling city around him.

It felt like too much—car horns beeping at one another, ten different conversations between twice the amount of people floating into one ear and out the other, glaring LEDs hitting him in the eyes on every building he dared to glance at, and about three different idols staring back at him from their places in bus stop windows or billboard advertisements, holding whatever product they were being sponsored by close to their porcelain faces—but at the same time, it felt just like home. A part of him as much as everything else was, as much as the company was, as much as the group was.

It’d been hard to truly get a grasp on at first, what with the training and the debuting and everything in between that had made his life far too hectic for him to take a minute and really accept where he was and where he wanted to go, but now in the stolen moment of peace—by himself, with Minhui at his side, on what was supposed to be a coffee run, when they had certainly missed whatever practice there may or may not have been by now—he felt he could finally process it all properly. This is where I am. This is where I want to be. I don’t know where to go next, but that doesn’t really matter, because I don’t need to know that right now. Right now, he could just be. He could just sing the lines they gave him, dance the choreography they taught him, and just hope he was doing alright instead of worrying if he was going to be replaced or not.

A smile grew on his face, quiet but wide. Hasun enjoyed the moment for a second more, another, but it was ripped away from him by a complaining Minhui tugging at his arm, apparently bored with (or had gotten dizzy from) his spinning-around-in-circles gimmick.

“Hasunnie-yah. Let’s go get lunch, hm? I’m starving. It’s all on me, but if you want dessert then it’s gonna have to come out of your own pockets.”

Hasun rolled his eyes, but didn’t complain any further, letting himself be dragged along to whatever eating place Minhui could find and listening to all his tangents and rambles on the way. He didn’t feel all that annoyed at his moment being ruined—in fact, he felt it only would’ve been ruined if Minhui had let him overthink any further. He felt that his acceptance of his place was something that should be processed simply and left at that. This is where I am.

And, as he was taken down winding alleyways and wide open stretches of the high street, surrounded by conversation and lights and life, he didn’t think it was an all-too-terrible place to be.

ఇ⠀JAGUAR BUILDING⠀25TH NOVEMBER,  2021

As soon as Hasun entered the recording room, all eyes swivelled to him. Yijun, Daejin, and Doyeon were the only ones there, but even just their three gazes combined made him feel uncomfortable, the back of his neck burning as they simply continued to stare. It was only when he was just about to pipe up and ask what was wrong that Daejin sent him a sympathetic smile and turned fully in his chair in front of all the production equipment, pushing his headphones down to rest around his neck.

“Hi, Hasun-ah. I don’t want to be too much of a bother, but.. Do you think you could go find Jaehee?”

The immediate question on the tip of his tongue was why, and Yijun spoke up to answer it without him even needing to say a word: “He threw another tantrum and stormed off. Daejin-hyung wants his part done by tonight, so we don’t have to listen to his shitty vocals any longer than we need to.”

Doyeon clicked his tongue in disapproval at Yijun’s choice of words, but didn’t move to say anything to disprove them. Daejin visibly bit back a smile but shook his head anyway, quashing the grin completely as he looked back to Hasun to hear his answer. The maknae nodded easily enough, and turned to leave—but then stopped abruptly and swung right back around on his heels when he realised he had no idea where the rapper actually was.

“Where would I find him, hyung?” 

That seemed to draw a blank out of them, both the producer and leader doing nothing but shrugging helplessly. It was Yijun that spoke up again, despite him not looking particularly happy about the answer he had to give.

“Outside. Round the back, near the main road. Tell him to go home if he’s crying, though, all that sniffling would drive me crazy.”

Doyeon did speak up at that, reaching over from his place settled on Daejin’s tiny leather sofa to whack him lightly on the thigh. “Leave off, Yijun-ah. The only reason he stormed out in the first place was you. As usual.”

The vague directions had only been a half-help, but Hasun was sure he’d find Jaehee if he wandered outside long enough and turned back around, letting the door swing to a close behind him as he navigated back to the elevator. Evening had long since fallen, and he stared out at the city skylights in silence on the way down.

The November air was biting through his thin hoodie, and he hoped he wouldn’t have to be looking for too long as he took the first step outside the company building. Near the main road wasn’t very helpful, seeing as they were near about three, but he diligently fished his phone out of his pocket and fiddled with the flashlight until he had a more reliable source of light that wasn’t the fleeting car headlights passing by every few moments and began his walk, straining to hear anything that wasn’t the skid of wheels on tarmac or distant conversation from the nearby shops and bars and restaurants.

“Jaehee-hyung? Hyung!”

Another harsh gust of wind hit him right in the face, and Hasun was starting to get tired of looking for the rapper already. Maybe he could just say he couldn’t find him, and go back up to Daejin’s nice, warm, recording room. Yijun definitely wouldn’t mind—would probably celebrate, even. Doyeon would just sight and accept it, and Daejin would wave it off and say it could always be recorded another day, as easy going as ever. The more he thought about it, the more pleasing of an idea it seemed to become.

“Hasunnie?”

Nevermind. He whipped around, curious as to where the voice had come from. It was definitely Jaehee, but he just couldn’t see him. That was, not until he looked down. Then he found the very person he was looking for crouched down on the gravel with his back against the wall and his phone in hand, open on a contact whose name he couldn’t read that well upside down. Jaehee was quick to shut it off and shove it back in his pocket as soon as he recognised Hasun anyway, standing back up and smiling the same thin smile he always did when everyone else knew that, really, he didn’t feel like smiling at all—the one that was stretched too wide, far too obviously fake for someone who used to be an actor. 

“What’s up? Did you want something?”

Hasun shifted on his feet, pulling his hoodie tighter around himself. “Daejin-hyung wants you back up at the recording room. Says he wants your parts done by tonight.”

The smile almost immediately melted into a scowl, his figure slumping over and head lolling back as he groaned aloud, breath coming out in a visible cloud in the cold air. “No, god no. Not until Yijun-hyung’s gone. If he’s still there I’ll just do it tomorrow.”

The maknae’s brow furrowed, not really wanting to stand out in the cold and listen to the inevitable explanation of their latest fight but hearing the unspoken prod for him to ask about it and doing so anyway.

“What’s happened now?”

Jaehee slid back down against the wall, phone back in his hands as he passed it from palm to palm like it was a stress toy of sorts, absentmindedly chucking it up into the air and just barely catching it when it fell back down. “He was just—talking shit. As he normally does. I don’t know why it got to me so bad tonight, though, but it just.. Did. I needed a break.”

Hasun nodded empathetically, still hopping from foot to foot. The rapper’s head tilted back to lean against the surface behind him, his face scrunching up, and for a moment Hasun had the panicked thought he was going to cry. He already felt out-of-touch and awkward with Jaehee on a normal day, but if he was crying then it would no doubt be thousands of times worse. Thankfully, the rapper only relaxed his face again and sighed, phone dropping from his hands to the concrete beneath his feet but making no move to pick it up. His next words were quiet, strained, and Hasun had to lean closer for him to be able to hear them at all over all the other noise assaulting his ears.

“I—I don’t really know what we’re all doing this for, to be honest. I don’t even know if we’ll make it that big in the end.”

His words blew away with the force of the winter wind, but Hasun felt frozen still. He felt like he needed to say something, to attempt to comfort him even if he had the feeling anything he came up with would sound hollow, empty. He thought it over for a few long, silent seconds before clearing his throat, forcing the words out when they felt like they were choking him up.

“It’ll be alright, hyung. We’ll be fine. We’ll make it. We’ll—we’ll get through this.”

Hasun felt cheap, using Doyeon’s words to him from four months ago on Jaehee now, but from the way it got his face to finally lighten up again after he let the words sink in for a few moments, got him to pick his phone up from the floor and slowly stand up to join him in walking back into the company building, he figured they were as much of a comfort to Jaehee as they had been to him. Even if they both knew it was unfounded, standing on shaky legs and likely to crumble with the next disagreement, the next fight, it was good enough for now.

And that, in the moment, was all that mattered.

Sweat was drying uncomfortably on the back of Yijun’s neck. The makeup plastered all over his face felt cakey, unnatural. The lights were too bright and his shoes were too big and with every step he took down the corridor he felt irritation dancing along his skin, sparks flickering and waiting for the final little inconvenience to tip him over the edge, ignite him completely.

He wanted to go. Where, he wasn’t exactly sure, but he knew was that he wanted to be somewhere else. Outside. A bar. The dorms—and not the new ones, in the new apartment the company had set the rest of the newcomers up with and shoved a room in for him too—the original ones. With Hyeonmin. And Ilwoo. And fuck, he’d even be happy to see Jiyeol’s perpetually dead-eyed stare looking back at him when he opened the door. Back home, in their flat. His mother had probably ripped out every memory he’d made in his childhood bedroom to replace it with some minimalistic decor and some fake potted plants and an exercise bike by now, since the last time he’d spoken to her on the phone she’d been waxing lyrical about her ‘new health goals’ for the year.

Anywhere other than the Inkigayo backstage corridors sounded like a dream. He’d take a locked and bolted room with completely blank walls and no-one for company other than Jaehee over a minute longer here.

His fingers crept up the sleeve of the jacket he was wearing and his nails scraped long trails up and down his arms, touch cool to the overheated skin. The sound of it was muffled, and everything felt a little far away. Like he was drifting underwater, wading around under the surface without any real direction—like now, and how he was pacing up and down the corridors in hopes that something would relieve the itching feeling crawling around just under his skin, jumping from nerve ending to nerve ending.

He didn’t have to search for any longer. The faint pressure closing in on him popped all at once, leaving him gasping for air. Or rather—left him slamming hard into someone’s shoulder as he passed them a little too carelessly, head lost in the clouds and deep underwater simultaneously. He swivelled on the heel of his too-big shoes, his lips poised and ready to toss out a half-hearted apology before going on his way, but then Yijun saw the look he gave him.

It wasn’t outright disgust. However much you hated someone in this business, you’d never let them know. It’d stay hidden in the creases of paper-thin smiles and the palms of clenched fists. The look was more.. Reproachful. A drag sideways to the arm Yijun had hit, a hand coming up to brush it off, and then flicking back over to meet the rapper’s eyes. The stranger’s lip curled up at the corner, half a sneer on his face, and that was the flame that started the fire. That was all it took. An expression that lasted less than a second, gone faster than it had appeared, and Yijun was gritting his teeth, and turning to face him fully, and trying his best to push the burn of all his vitriol into a singular look.

“Surely it didn’t hurt that much. There’s no need for you to give me that face.”

That only served to make the look worse. The sneer was full-force, now, and the stranger’s hand dropped from his arm to thud uselessly against his side in a way that seemed far too loud for the quiet of the hallway, even if it was still populated by the distant chatter from other dressing rooms and constant buzz of the aircon.

“And who are you to tell me how much it hurt? There’s no need to be rude.”

The words fell distorted on unhearing ears, static filling them to the brim instead. Who are you? It wasn’t what he meant, wasn’t at all what was being said—but his mind twisted it that way anyway. Who are you? Reporters at the door. Eyes on his back. A tap on the shoulder, a look of realisation. You’re that.. That Yijun kid, aren’t you? From that group. Whatever they’re called. There’s a new one, now. The other.. Well. I guess you would know what happened to them. From one failed group to another that no-one knew the fate of, from headline to headline and scandal to scandal, and he was still a nobody. Who are you?

He glared right back once he’d snapped himself out of his frozen state, pushing forward to lean closer, leering at the stranger even if he had to raise his gaze to do so. Anger was filling up his head again, leaking out of his ears and pooling onto the floor around the shoes that still didn’t fit. His words were growing in volume, hands clenching and unclenching by his sides and nails leaving crescent moons indented in his palms.

“Rude, my ass. I was just saying.”

Realistically, he knew he should’ve walked away before it went any further. He should’ve turned and retreated, kept it to judging looks when they passed on end-of-show stages and quiet eyerolls when no-one else was looking. But he didn’t, so he couldn’t. Especially when the still-stranger pushed blood-red strands of hair that had come loose from its styling out of his eyes and smiled, the expression stretched thin across his face. Yijun wanted to scream, and he himself didn’t really know why.

“I think I’ve been in this business long enough to know what being rude looks like. What I don’t know is why you think I have a problem with you—I don’t even know who you are.”

His nails bit into his skin so hard it broke. The stranger kept on going.

“I must’ve missed your performance earlier. Or maybe it just wasn’t all that to begin with? Anyway, like I said—I don’t know you.”

You’ll know me in a minute, he thought. His head was pounding, the lights above him boring into his retinas. Because I'll rip your teeth out and carve my name into your arm. Maybe then he’d be remembered. The freak who attacked a fellow idol, a jealous psycho so desperate to be known he’d hurt and tear and dig his teeth in for it. Better than nothing, he supposed.

But he didn’t say that. He bit his tongue, tried to school his face into one of indifference rather than one that would show how affected he was from the comment, and said something else instead. “Do you want a medal? I don’t know who the fuck you are, either. And I doubt you and your own little group of no-names were much better than us.”

That was what seemed to crack him. The smile melted off of his face, the façade having slipped, and Yijun let a grin of his own spread over his lips wide enough to show his teeth. If that was all it took, then—well. He would’ve done it a lot earlier.

The stranger opened his mouth again, brow furrowed and likely ready to fire back, until a voice stopped him in his tracks.

“Yunnie-yah! Where the hell are you?”

Yijun stifled a snicker at the nickname, grinning wider when ‘Yunnie-yah’ only glared harder. A taller man came up from behind but stopped in his tracks at the sight of Yijun, hand almost immediately coming up to rest on the red-haired stranger’s shoulder.

“What’s up? Who’s your friend?”

He laughed again, louder this time. He couldn’t help it. Even ‘Yunnie’ rolled his eyes at the term.

“Far from a friend. Just—I don’t know.”

The taller stranger’s eyes narrowed, hand tightening slightly in its place. “Is there a problem?”

Yijun kept his eyes on the redhead, daring him to speak up. Go on. Snitch. Make a scene. You know you want to.

The redhead said nothing, scoffing and turning away. Despite this, his friend piped up anyway.

“You shouldn’t go around talking shit. It’s not a good look.”

His arms were itching again. His hands uncurled from where they’d been squeezed tightly shut, and he wiped the bleeding crescent moons clean on his sleeves, watched as the red stained the fabric, vaguely thankful it was already dark and he wouldn’t get too harshly reprimanded for the damage. “You shouldn’t accuse people of things you don’t know they’ve done. That doesn’t paint you in a very good light, either.”

The taller one was quicker to anger than the redhead, it seemed. He started forward even if nothing Yijun said had been particularly provocative, gently pushing the shorter to stand behind him. His vision was suddenly too full of dyed hair and narrowed eyes, the conflicting smells of sweat and cologne clouding his senses until he was drowning in it all over again. This was how he was going to be remembered, then. A victim, beaten black and blue after a few misplaced words and a misunderstanding. Again—better than nothing. He’d probably get more money out of that.

Alas, the punch he was waiting for never came. A third voice arose instead. Weren’t they crowding the corridor, now? More shoes thudded down the hallway, splashing in the remnants of his anger, his desperation. Like children on a rainy day, getting their feet wet but not caring until the cold seeped in.

“I sent you off to find him, not hang arou—what the fuck? What are you doing?”

It was getting repetitive. Maybe if it went on for long enough there’d be twenty men piled up in the corridor opposite him. Maybe one of his own members would turn up next. He tried to tune everything out for a moment and when he came back found that he was less angry, and more.. Tired. Over it. The taller one was yanked away, and Yijun pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. He felt like he was drifting again, lost to the raising voices of whatever the trio were going back-and-forth about. Snippets bled through the haze, drifting into one ear and out the other. Can’t you leave well enough alone? He started it. I don’t care. The last thing you need is another hiatus. Fuck you.

When the darkness from his closed eyes morphed into spirals and colours and static, he reopened them to find all three pairs of eyes trained on his figure. A glare, a sneer, a wary look. 

“I’m really sorry about this, uh..” the newest arrival of the three stepped forward to apologise, bowing his head and trailing off as he waited for the Yijun to supply his name.

“Yijun.”

“Yijun-ssi. It won’t happen again.”

It could, for all he cared. He’d argue and fight and trade blows all day if it gave him something to do. The apology was paper-thin anyway, hardly counting for much. Still, he nodded along and pasted on a smile as sweet as he could manage.

“It’s alright, sunbaenim.”

Silence fell again. The tallest was the first to clear his throat and stand up straighter, giving him one last look before turning on his heel. He paused and looked back when he realised only the one who had arrived last was following him, but the redhead cut him off before he could say a word, and waved him off.

“I’ll be there in a minute.”

They were back to their stalemate. The glare against the grin. By now the blood on Yijun’s sleeve had dried, and he could feel a blister coming on from the back of his too-big shoes.

“What’s up, Yunnie-yah?”

The sound of him gritting his teeth was audible. Yijun watched the muscles in his jaw tighten, amusement poorly hidden on his face.

“It’s Yunseo. Or nothing at all, if it’s coming from you.”

“Right.”

He hoped his disinterest was discernible, easily distinguished. From the answering look on the redhead’s face, it had come through just fine.

The quiet was back, until Yunnie—Yunseo—shattered it with a stilted cough, glare lessening in its potency, if only for a moment.

“I guess I’ll have to expect seeing you around.”

Nothing sounded worse, in Yijun’s opinion. The aircon buzzed somewhere above his head, and the distant chatter carried on.

“I hope not.”

The redhead scoffed. Yijun couldn't see what look he had on his face, because he’d turned and carried on walking on his original—long-forgotten, but original—path.

His makeup still felt cakey on his face, and the lights were still too bright. But, at the very least, all the irritation that had been coursing through his bloodstream was more or less gone. Pissing people off was something of an outlet, it seemed.