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Guys… we have to do the main quest at some point
Someone asking Luca after Shane's first season as AC on the Centaurs: "So, is it difficult with basically three captains, especially if two of them are married that must be hard to get used to.
And Luca and the other rookies being like, oh you mean the Dad-Trifecta? it's the best thing that has ever happened to us.
You loose your skates or you need help with paperwork or you're just feeling kinda sad and need a dad hug - you go Bood. he will grill you some chicken and go speak to Coach for you. You call him or Cassie if you're sick and they will pick you up and deposit you on the floor with Milo and you are their baby now. I'm 23 years old but that's my dad tho
If you're having trouble with other players, or if you're in like, a crisis? Mama Bear Ilya, will 100% get arrested for any of us and/or pick you up from the middle of nowhere any time of night. You wanna ragebait other players? He has the perception of a God and can tell from one look when a players second wife will leave him. He can also tell when you're feeling like shit mentally and he will pick you up take you to Harris farm and make you dog walk with him while throwing sweets at you. Holmberg got high sticked the other week Ilya spent like, 2 hours going through the guys Instagram with us while wine drunk and ripping his entire life to pieces with us.
and Shane? He will come early to practice for you, he will tell me things wrong with my playing I didn't know EXISTED. Boyle was in a slump Hollander turned up at our house with a fucking smoothie get your ass out of bed we're going to the rink and he will completely pull apart your playing style with such precision that's it's beautiful to watch and I'm not even mad about it. Roz will be giving a fucking captains speech about how we can do better next week and he'll fucking pipe up in the corner going, well we will if Lapointe improves his footwork Coach, we're gonna be staying late on Saturday and Wiebe is like, sounds good Hollander like COACH you can't Agree For Me and he'll just go, Shane Hollander is giving you a private lesson I don't care what you're doing cancel it
hollanov pr friendship is so special to me i need it played out more. i need them to have an absolute blast with confusing people whether they actually like each other. i want them to chirp at each other left and right but then also stand next to each other at the practice rink gossiping with their mouths covered. i want ilya to drop random shane lore he acquired that has everyone confused as to how close they are. i want shane to correct other people on their ilya opinions. i want everyone to wonder why these fuckers decide to sit eat hang out with each other all the time if they always piss the other off and then see them being the absolute safe space for the other and wonder when they got that close. i just want them to have a little fun with being close friends in public yk
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Was it a conscious choice for him to always touch Shane's face? That's Connor living in the character.
i love shane because in some ways he's just so Jock and so Boy like he has zero houseplants (except for maybe a cactus or two) because he doesn't care and he forgets to water them and his house would look like shit without a designer because all his walls would be metros blue and he has to hire someone to tell him what kind of clothes to wear and his favourite thing is Sports but i just know he also doesn't play about his microfiber cleaning cloths and he stores leftovers in glass containers instead of plastic containers because microplastic and you have to use the back entrance on rainy days because he doesn't want mud on his nice floors
I am chronically online but not in a way that keeps me informed #mybubble
Shane also needs to interact with other gay men just to understand how truly lucky he is. He needs to hear someone go off about going on Grindr to find a top for the night and then finding out that all of the guys who have the 'Hung' tag on their profile are packing like five and a half inches at MOST and then Shane has to be like "Oh that. Yeah that sounds rough." Meanwhile he lost his anal virginity to a knockout with model looks who works out for a living and started their relationship by jerking his enormous hog at him in a communal shower which has always been one of Shane's top five fantasies. And he's literally never had to be on The Apps because he's the bottom of all time actually and the DomTop with the enormous dick imprinted on him like a fucking duckling the first time Shane came untouched under him which was, I cannot stress this enough, when he LOST HIS VIRGINITY.
Like shut the fuck up Shane Hollander how does it feel to be the chosen one. He has to confront all of this because he needs to know that he has, once again, won at life in every meaningful way. And then he can sit there like :] while that sad bottom over there bemoans the Grindr biome.
shoutout to my boy shane he is riddled with anxiety, he drinks gross smoothies, his special interests are hockey and sex and they surprisingly overlap quite a lot, he has too many pillows, he has never been calm about anything in his life, he will kill himself if he doesn’t get first place, the worst thing that could ever happen to him is going to a club
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Ilya sends Shane a dildo molded after his own cock during their hookup era with a note saying "something to get you through these lonely months" with a winky face on the end. Shane is mad at first followed quickly by embarrassment he hides it quickly in his bedside drawer telling himself that he'll throw it away eventually, only he never does and one night while he's on a ilya rozanov youtube rabbit hole he feels himself getting worked up, he's not even conscious of his hand gripping his cock through his boxers until he feels the moisture leaking though the fabric. the video he's stuck on is rozanov's hardest hits compilation, the camera zoomed in on ilyas grinning face, unfazed by the blood between his teeth as he skates over to the penalty box. When he sits, he takes off his helmet, his cheeks flushed, the sweat making his curls stick to his forehead, he squirks his gatorade bottle into his mouth, swishing the water around before spitting it out. Shane's breath hitches as Ilya makes eye contact with the camera and winks. Fuck. if he was here right now... Shane freezes as he realizes that, in a way, he almost does have ilya here.
It's not the same as the real thing, of course, but the size and the way the head hits his prostate just right. He could never tell rozanov that he actually used it or that he thought of him the entire time he was getting off.
bonus:
shane hears ilya’s voice coming from the bedroom and he’s confused about who ilya is talking to, thinks maybe he’s on the phone to someone. but then he walks in to ilya standing over the open drawer in shane’s bedside table voice directed at his dildo and shane is standing there confused and a little horrified because he hasn’t showed ilya his dildo yet and shane is like what is going in why are you talking to my dildo and ilya says i was looking for the spare charger but then found this and i wanted to introduce myself to mr dildo. and shane is like first of all don’t call it mr dildo actually don’t give it a name at all, second of all…why? and ilya says well i needed to see my competition and also mr dildo was the first to be inside you and i think i should thank him for making you feel so good that you wanted to try the real thing, and shane blinks five times and then leaves the bedroom without saying anything
Like I just knooooow people are tired of them. Everyone knows without being told that they are having freak sex CONSTANTLY and that they are so in love about it. Like how does it feel to be together for twelve years married for one and you are STILL knocking the walls down every night. Everyone said it HAS to stop at some point and they are WRONG. Second season on the Cens Shane is still coming in routinely with bite marks on the BACK OF HIS SHOULDER and there is only one mathematical explanation for how they got there. Like ohhhh my name is Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov and the only thing I do is win Stanley Cups and have hot freaky athletic people sex with a man who would kill and die for me and I make MILLIONS OF MONEYS while doing it. I know people hate them.
"lock in" is probably one of the most important phrases to enter the public lexicon in the 2020s
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hollanov taking an after game interview together because of plot convenience reasons and ilya was chirping the opposing team about their first line points per game being barely scraping 0.4 when shane tapped his arm lightly and ilya leaned towards him. all the reporters perk up because omg are we gonna see shane hollander disciplining ilya rozanov live???? this is TEA. and ilya just nodded and said
“apologies, my husband wanted to correct that their first line pgp was 0.34. which was more pathetic than i originally assumed.”
I firmly believe that Ilya and Shane reveal their timeline to the Centaurs entirely by accident. Someone makes a comment in the locker room about how fucking horned up they are for each other. It's difficult not to notice the daily addition of new bruises and scratches and hickeys on both of their bodies and it's a well known fact that whoever ends up rooming next to them on the road will require industrial grade noise cancelling headphones. They've been living together for several years now and it doesn't seem to be slowing down at all. It's bordering on an intervention, the guys saying things like "honestly, it's worrying," and "how can two people have that much sex??"
Shane's actually the one to accidentally reveal the timeline, when he says "I mean, if you average it out by the seven years where we only saw each other a few times a year and the four years we were long-distance, we're probably still behind most couples."
The locker room falls silent for a few seconds before the whole team entirely loses their shit. "ELEVEN YEARS," "what the fuck, no, what the fuck," "since rookie season???" and the cat's out of the bag so Shane corrects them, "summer before." Meanwhile Ilya's just grinning maniacally in the corner, so pleased that Shane was the one to spill the beans because they were both sure Ilya would be the one to do it.
