As a fellow dysthymic person, I'm curious, how do you maintain a long-term romantic relationship? I find that whenever things become serious, I start telling myself that the energy my partner's spending on me is energy they're not spending on finding a stable, healthy partner who can actually contribute to the relationship, so me dating is unethical. I don't act on these thoughts, but without a reason they're wrong, they don't go away. Do you have a way around this, or does it not happen to you?
Hey Anon…I really wish I had an answer for you. Some sort of mantra you could say to yourself or medication you could take or any kind of golden ticket that makes this easier.
Truth is, every single thing you experience - the feelings of guilt, the “it’s unethical” excuse, the self-loathing for seemingly wasting someone’s time, the constant thoughts of unhealthiness - are all things that I experience every damn day.
If you were to ask my doll, she would probably brush it off and say something like “I mean, it’s not easy, but we both find ways of making it work”, so I’ll set the record straight: I don’t make this easy for her at all. I withdraw, I hide, I lie about how I’m feeling, I go long days moping. Sometimes I turn my phone off without warning and just keep to myself. By definition, I am not always a good boyfriend; sometimes I am an absolutely shitty boyfriend. Any other person would’ve left me ages ago.
For whatever reason, she hasn’t.
I’m not saying “wait around for someone to put up with your toxicity” or whatever. I’m always trying to learn and get better, and I’ve made some great strides since we started dating. But, like you and everyone else out there with dysthymia, every hour of every day is an uphill battle. You’ll stumble and fall and freak out and feel miserable and no matter how hard you try, there’s a poison in your head that’s going to constantly tell you “you’re a bad person.”
The trick is that not everyone can handle that. Not everyone should. I’m not going to mince words: there are a lot of people out there who want a stable relationship that’s simply easier to handle. We bring with us baggage, and not everyone is capable of dealing with it. And that’s okay, and as much as it sucks, we need to accept the fact that that’s okay. Mourn, feel shitty for a while, and then press onward.
That being said, you - and everyone with this illness - will eventually find someone whose love for you will be on par with their ability to stick out a relationship like this. Someone who can look at you, the poison in your head, the way you withdraw and all of the other unique symptoms that come with dysthymia, and say, “Not only can I do this, but I love you so much that I want to do this.”
And that someone is for you to meet along your journey.
I’m really sorry, I wish I had better advice. I don’t. I really hope that this helps though.
