trying, for what that's worth

I'm running an online D&D game with friends this week. I haven't managed one of these in a while, but it seemed like a nice thing to do to keep us all in touch and doing something. Maybe it'll be a nice little imaginary getaway.

Things just keep getting worse with virus, huh? It's supposed to not be all that bad, but the fear for the people it CAN kill is reason enough for all the lockdowns. Maybe not all the panic-shopping and fearmongering, but it comes with ths sort of thing, I guess.

Being trapped in the house has gotten me really antsy and hotheaded. I don't like leaving the house, usually, but knowing that I don't have options is frustrating. I miss Nico. I miss Sam and Marts and Vito. I miss Lala and Jared, even though I wouldn't have seen them anyway seeing as they're in UST and DLSU respectively and we rarely get to meet up.

It just sucks knowing that you don't have the option. Devoid of agency.

Things getting scary with the virus. Don't have much to say. It was a friend's birthday, so I drew her D&D character.

3 things I'm grateful for:

1. Nico. I love him, and he brings me so much joy and comfort.

2. Music! Listening to it, making it, everything about it.

Lots of identity stuff to think about this week, especially in terms of what it means to feel.

I think I'm oddly enough a very volatile person but at the same time very... apathetic.

It's a weird situation, but I'm figuring it out and learning to like myself. And my smile.

In case it's not clear from the messy lineart, this one's a work in progress.

I don't remember being told about any specific topic I'm supposed to write about for this week, but we learned about cognitive biases, so I'll talk about that a little.

The type my group reported on is Choice Supportive Bias, which I won't explain here because, well, the only person reading I'd need to explain to is my prof, and I would like to think she knows her stuff.

So-- Choice Supportive Bias, right? This specific piece was picked BECAUSE it's a work in progress. When I get to this semi-done lineart part of a piece, I tend to make multiple copies of it so I can take it in different directions without having to undo everything every time. Then, when I have something I'm satisfied with, I look back at all the rejected versions a while later and think how stupid they look, and how right I was to use the version that went into the final.

Makes me wonder how often I automatically assume that sort of thing in other things, like my published versus unpublished works, or song lyrics I do or don't include in the final chorus, or in what I decide to say to people, or with regards to events I go to or skip out on.

The Filipino, American, Spanish, and Chinese parts of my heritage and upbringing can clash and confuse me sometimes, especially with how critical people can be about anyone 'too' clearly mixed (which is odd, considering how almost every Filipino is at least a little mixed). You're always too much of this, not enough of that.

I've found over the past couple years though that it can all come together. My sensibilities and ideas of freedom, tradition, language, culture, honor, and so on, that all come from the different parts of my identity are things that influence me more than make me. Lenses, not puzzle pieces.