a clutter of thoughts

it’s in the way you stare into my eyes, piercing into my soul

the way you hold my hands, as if to show you’ve got me

it’s in the kisses we share, how our lips long for each other like magnets, you say

the way you rest your head on my shoulders at every traffic light,

gue lupa namanya siapa, she always referred to herself as suster, though. sus, terima kasih banyak ya atas jasanya, dan juga makasih banyak suster udah menginspirasi saya untuk lebih energetik ketika berhadapan sm pasien, karena ternyata energi yg kita bawa, infectious bgt, gue jadi tertampar rasanya, mungkin ngga ya selama ini gue jalaninnya dengan unhappy, dan secara tidak langsung bikin pasien down juga?

every now and then a memory of you pops up in my head and it still makes me smile (like that time you shamelessly sang along to the live music that accompanied our dinner)

“what should we nickname him?” my best friend asked. “what about ‘happy’? because he really makes me happy. he’s such a cheery guy that it’s contagious, and his stories always make me laugh”

whatever we had, it was short-lived but it made me believe again when i thought i’ve given up completely and now i still believe even though things ended the way it did

feelings are fickle, but it was fun while it lasted maybe i wish you would’ve stayed a little longer, maybe i miss you i think about whether we’ll cross paths again one day but even if we don’t, i am forever grateful to have had you in my life for a while there

how unfair to reach this point just as I’m about to leave? and I’m scared, so many things can happen in a month, what if this will be gone by the time I see you again?

and then it hit me you don’t know me at all did I just do it again? let a person fall with a persona I’ve created?

I can’t afford to repeat the same mistake you’ll only leave once you realize it’s broken glass behind the curtains

something about having your voice in my ears i could almost feel you next to me nevermind the six thousand miles between

what are we? but what’s the point in asking?

My memory of you is starting to disintegrate

So here’s to immortalizing all the nights we slept without ending our calls, the moments we sang our hearts out to our favorite songs, and the times I’ve burnt bridges only for you to build it back for me.

I guess your middle name is either Ecclesiastes, named after my favorite book in the Bible, or Dominique, an abbreviation of ‘daughter of mine’, huh?

So how is it being homeschooled? I hope it allows you to explore what you’re truly passionate in more deeply from early on. I hope you have friends regardless, true friends at that. Most of my 12 years, I hated school, so I hope I’m doing you a favor. However, if you ultimately want to try conventional schooling anyway, it’s fine with me. Anything that makes you happy, really.

Never be afraid to approach me with anything you have in mind you want to say. Tell me if you’re not happy about something, I’ll try my best to do something about it. But also tell me everything about your happy days! I hope you see me more as a friend, rather than a parent. The most important thing for me is that you don’t bottle up feelings. I do that a lot and I think it just makes everything worse, so I hope you don’t inherit my inability to speak about my current feelings.

I hope one day you’ll fall in love with someone who truly loves you back, and will fight for you no matter what. Love truly is a beautiful thing, until it isn’t… but I hope no one will break your heart too badly that it’ll take you years to build yourself back, although I guess I don’t really have to worry about that, you’re stronger than me!

I hope you’re doing something for our Mother Earth, and that environmental problems won’t make you suffer too much in your lifetime - but if it does, then I’m sorry for bringing you into this life.

In truth, I’d rather not find out what type of schooling you’d prefer, rather not blame myself in the future if you fail because it might’ve been caused by how I chose to educate you.

I’d rather not worry about what’s going about in your day, or have you feel feelings I can’t fully control. I don’t ever want to see you cry, I don’t ever want you to think about ending it all.

I don’t ever want to see you fall for the wrong person, making the mistakes I made in the past. You don’t deserve to be hurt or heartbroken.

I don’t want you to carry the burden of saving our mother earth, neither do I want you to suffer from the scorching heat, the melting glaciers, or our plastic-filled seas.

Because it’ll all be my fault. You wouldn’t have to suffer if I never brought you to life in the first place.

And that is why, my dear, we will never meet.

I hope that you know I love you anyway.

Udah lama banget gue pengen nulis ini, secara kejadiannya aja Desember 2014, tapi entah kenapa belum pernah kesampaian.

Desember 2014 silam, gue menjadi salah satu panitia acara charity natal di suatu panti asuhan di BSD. Singkatnya, beberapa minggu sebelum natal, kita meminta anak-anak itu menuliskan apa yang mereka inginkan untuk hadiah natal, lalu mendekati waktu natal kami kesana lagi untuk memberikan hadiah yang mereka minta, dan juga menghabiskan waktu bersama.

Dalam prosesi pembagian hadiah, nama-nama satu persatu anak dipanggil untuk mengambil hadiah mereka dari Santa Claus. Namun ada seorang anak kecil (perkiraan gue sekitar 1-2 tahunan) yang bernama Bene, yang mungkin kurang mengerti bahwa ia harus mengambil kado saat namanya dipanggil, atau juga takut dengan sosok Santa Claus, jadi ia hanya duduk terdiam dengan ekspresi wajah yang menunjukkan sedikit ketakutan saat namanya dipanggil dan semua perhatian tertuju kepadanya, menyiratkan agar mengambil hadiahnya.

Maka gue mengambil inisiatif untuk menggendongnya dan menemaninya mengambil hadiahnya. Setelah itu, dia bener-bener ngga mau lepas dari gue. Nempel banget dalam gendongan gue, jadi yaudah, gue gendong terus juga.

(Shit, di bagian nulis ini gue nangis haha, gue teringat akan how it felt like a really intimate moment)

Lalu jam makan siang datang, jadi gue bawa Bene ke meja makan dan duduk di sebelahnya. Ada pengasuh dari panti asuhannya yang nyuapin gitu.

Terus ada anak perempuan yang sudah lumayan besar (perkiraan gue sekitar 6-7 tahun) yang memerhatikan gue dan Bene sambil dia makan.

Ngga lama kemudian, dia bertanya kepada gue “(Kamu? Kakak? Mbak? Tante? Gue lupa sih jujur dia manggil gue apa, tapi pertanyaan ini ditujukan ke gue) mamanya Bene?”

Dia memandang gue dengan pandangan penuh takjub.

Di situ gue terpaku diam, bingung awalnya. Refleks pertama gue adalah tersinggung karena gue pikir, “emang gue terlihat setua itu?”

Lalu, gue lupa juga antara pengasuh atau temannya, menjawab bahwa gue adalah salah satu kakak-kakak dari acara natal yang sedang berjalan.

Setelah itu pandangan takjub yang tadinya terpancar jelas di wajah anak perempuan itu perlahan sirna dan tergantikan oleh ekspresi kecewa, dan bingung.

Gue baru terpikir lagi - astaga, apakah dia dan anak-anak panti asuhan lainnya memegang kepercayaan bahwa orang tua mereka akan datang suatu hari untuk menjemput mereka?

Itukah yang terlintas di pikiran anak perempuan itu? Bahwa akhirnya, Bene sudah dijemput ibunya kembali?

Menurut gue, terkadang memiliki harapan itu suatu hal yang baik. Tapi gue ngga yakin bahwa di skenario ini, bahwa hal itu yang terbaik.

Hati gue rasanya selalu remuk menjadi berkeping-keping tiap kali gue membayangkan bahwa dia, bangun tiap harinya dengan harapan bahwa orang tuanya akan datang untuknya. Apa yang akan terjadi pada suatu hari nanti ketika ia menyadari bahwa penantiannya selama ini sia-sia?