c a e r u s

“Probably for the best, but you gotta come up with better ones, man. You’ve got a reputation to uphold with first impressions and all that.” She was joking, easily read in the tilt of her smile. “Teddy. Most likely calling you Roosevelt from now on to remember it.” A look of intrigue and amusement with the next words. “Night’s still young, I prefer drinking mine instead of wasting them. Is that something that happens to you often?”

“Just so long as it isn’t ‘Bundy’,” he countered, suddenly aware of how inappropriate that joke had been and how much he wanted the floor to swallow him up just then. “Too often. I had to start wearing raincoats.”

“My brother’s name is Giovanni—“ Gwyn retorted with a small smile. “I guess they’re mostly into G’s—or—wait, that was a bad joke.” Brows knitted in embarrassment. “I mean, I think mine were just fans of eloquent and opulent names that stood out.” But a small smile broke. “I think you’re good for the most part.” She took the seat across from him. “Do you have any other bad ice-breakers? Ones I can use.”

“I think it’s a good name. I like the way it rolls off the tongue. Theodore is like three syllables. Guinevere is--- also three syllables--- but better.” He insisted. “I got one for ya. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? For drizzle.”

A bemused look cast across his face now. “I’d imagine quite a bit when it’s that bad.” Johnny didn’t so much mind Teddy as far as journalists went. He still had a natural distrust for them in general, but something about his demeanour was less off-putting than most. “But it worked, I’ll give you that much. The answer straight across the board… Pokemon.” He didn’t flinch, not even when he tried to toss in the question of a murderer’s identity. Just because he was disarmed, it didn’t mean he was unarmed. So to speak. “Nice try though.”

“That Pokemon-Go thing, right?” He nodded. “Figured that was still going around. Some people just won’t let a good thing live on in memory. Like with the recent news of a potential remake of the beloved classic, The Princess Bride. Even if it’s good, nothing could ever live down Wallace Shawn’s inconceivable performance.”

“I’m gonna guess the latter, given that I don’t know your mom personally.” Kaden reached over the table to extend her hand. “I’m Kaden. You’re weird. I like that.”

“If you knew her, you’d get that joke. I’ll stick to the puns,” he averred, hinting another smile as he met her hand with his own. “Teddy. Pleasure, Kaden. I appreciate you not tossing your drink in my face.”

“Three cats,” She began ticking off her fingers. “Two dogs and four ferrets? The only part that surprises me is the ferrets part to be honest.” Leyla said with a laugh. “You could drape them along your shoulders at the next event. I mean the ferrets but you could sneak them all in I’m sure.”

“Oh, ferrets are super fun. I can’t imagine my life without them,” he averred happily. “That is an amazing idea. They are surprisingly mink-like. Just not totally dead--- they only look it when they’re in a deep sleep.”

Ravenna looked over at the man, the shift of one of the Carlo’s shoulders as narrowed hues turned to slits. “Do shut up, will you?” She ordered.

“N-No, like the tongue champ--- I mean, the fister---” he paused, accepting his fate. “Will do!”

“I just might, I like them. Other than the first one, I didn’t like that one.” Gwyn grinned. “You have a ridiculous name too?” Was that mean? “I’m Guinevere–everyone calls me Gwyn though.” She answered, shaking his hand. “Nice to meet you, Teddy.”

“You didn’t like the tongue twister champion one? That kills at my book club meetings,” he asked incredulously. “Yeah--- they were real dicks about the whole naming thing. My younger brother’s name is Brody, so,” he chuckled. “You, too, Gwyn. Besides horrible names, you get to deal with my ice-breakers every five minutes or get sick of me in two.”

“Jesus Christ,” Kaden groaned audibly, head thunking down on the back of her hands folded on the table surface. “You kiss your mother with that mouth?” She appreciated the joke, but she wouldn’t admit to it. Kaden sensed he could do better.

“I tried but she won’t let me,” he added with an unfailing smile. “Think that says a lot about either her incessant need to keep a distance or my jokes are really that bad.”

There was a long, sharp inhale through her nose as the man kept going. apparently he thought he was funny and had seen one-too-many Seth Rogan movies and other sitcoms where the funny guy managed to get a wife way out of his league and thought it could happen in real life. Whatever it was that had him flapping his gums, Evangeline wished he would lose it so that she wouldn’t be responsible for anything harsh that slipped out of her mouth. The last thing she needed was to be on record saying that she didn’t talk to anyone below and eight. “ I’m sorry but do you actually want something? Cause I’ve had a long day and the last thing I want to hear are bad dad jokes that are so terrible they’d make a Buddhist monk break his vow of silence just to beg you to stop.”

He got the gist. His jokes were terrible but the implication of her words left a sour taste in his mouth. He was trying to break the ice--- branch out, make friends--- but opening his mouth was usually the first sign of trouble. He wasn’t good at this and her words furthered that point. His mouth closed, and he leaned back, absorbing that little tidbit of information.

“No--- sorry,” he continued. “I’ll leave you alone.”

“I was gonna say….comes with the territory would make me ask if you have a lot of kids?” Leyla asked teasingly, then nodding along in agreement. “Or animal Dad, I guess. Fur babies are all the rage these days, no judgement here.” 

“I have three cats, two dogs, and four ferrets,” he added, a smile tugging at his features. “You’d be surprised how far I take the ‘Animal Dad’ trope. I carry the ferrets around in a little sling that y’know babies usually go into and just carry ‘em around while I do house stuff. They fall asleep in a bundle, it’s adorable.”

“Oh, I don’t—“ But Gwyn’s words were cut off by his joke, as her mouth fell open. A second later, the slight of laughter erupted past her lips, as she smiled. “Okay, I like that one.” She quipped with a nod. “What’s your name?”

“Seriously, don’t encourage me, I have plenty more where those came from,” he chuckled dryly, almost embarrassed those words slipped from his mouth. Clearing his throat, he offered his hand. “Theodore Harris--- but everyone just calls me Teddy.”

Men hit on her all the time – literally all the damn time. It was nice until it was unwanted, and while most of the time it was bragging, cringe-worthy jokes like this one, or outright disgusting comments, if the man was handsome or rich enough, Eva would play along to see what it could get her. This man, however, exuded neither of those things, which made Eva annoyed more than anything. A guy like him shouldn’t even be talking to a woman like her; with what did he even get the confidence to do so? “ Hilarious. Did you hear the one about the woman who wasn’t interested?”

“Hey! No spoilers, please,” he countered, adding joke after joke on top of each other. He was content with rejection but--- had he actually been flirting was a whole other ballgame. He turned to humor as a crutch ( mostly to keep himself sane ) and hadn’t let anyone’s negativity bother him. Her pessimism made him want to speak up about not flirting, but he’d save himself the embarrassment. “I haven’t gotten through the entire jokebook yet.”

It took a moment to let the words sink in, a big grin pulling on her lips. “Wow.” Leyla exhaled loudly, breathe held in until the male finished his joke. “Did you just make that one up, or is Dad humor all part of your charm?”

“Dad humor comes with the territory of being a father or many,” he concluded, smiling. “Like a cat dad or a dog dad. Maybe even a ferret dad. I’m like Zeus--- except--- none of the super gross bestiality but I appreciate you calling me charming.”

Johnny groaned at the punchline, shaking his head. “Just when I think you’ve already laid out your worst material, Harris. You manage to outdo yourself.” Looking across the desk at the reporter, he leaned with his chin resting on his propped up fist. “So what can I do for you?”

“Y’know how often I’ve been told that?” He hummed, almost pleased with himself despite the biting factor of actually being told ( numerous times, albeit ) to fuck off. “Just a little icebreaker for you. I just wanna know what’s going on, man. What's the haps. The four-one-one. What are the kids text messaging about nowadays? Any leads on who might’ve killed those three people. All that good stuff.”

Gwyn kept her pace, eyes roaming back and forth on the page, as she lulled, considered listening before turning back to the book. It wasn’t until the small joke broke that she lifted her head. “That was–” She grinned softly. “Terrible.”

“Oh, you’ll soon learn being around me is terrible anyway, even without the puns,” he noted, nodding almost decidedly. His sense of humour was questionable. Liked the idea that not everything here had to be dull or on-guard. “Like, I sold my vacuum the other day. All it had been doing was collecting dust. Boom, crushed it.”