Return to Sender

I don't want to experience heartbreak ever again

I don't want to navigate this world alone

Why does it feel like I'm walking in circles

Instead of upwards

and onwards?

The fog is so thick;

I'm starting to believe

In a mountain with no peak.

No way up, no way down, no way forward,

My only option to turn around

And stare at all the faded footprints

Untie every ribbon.

Undress.

Slide.

To the bottom of the rock

Then brush off the dirt on my knees,

To be honest, I’m scared. 

I’m scared of death.

I’m scared of dying young. 

My body’s been feeling really off for the past half year and it’s been a huge struggle. When things go back to ‘normal’ I don’t think they will for me. 

I’m scared that my health condition will keep impacting my life. 

I know the objective solution is just to go to a doctor, hear what they need to say, do what I need do, change my life style as I need to, take medication if I need to. 

But that’s the exact hurdle I’m struggling to get over right now. 

Fear, anxiety and depression is crippling me. And this is all ON TOP of the “current situation” going on in the world. 

If I have an underlying medical condition, doesn’t this make me even more vulnerable if I leave the house just to find out what that is? To get blood work done, etc? 

I’m scared of the now and I’m scared of the future. 

It took me a while to realize what’s been going on because back in February I had just come back from a trip, thinking maybe I was just extremely fatigued. Possibly had some sinus issues before during and after the trip, so attributed that to the winter season. Consulted a doctor twice about different things. One concluded may pains were likely from typing at a keyboard with poor posture... one said I had ‘spring allergies’ (even though my sinus stuff started way before ‘spring’).

It is now May. I can conclude that... 

1) My feet are not “just tired”. 

2) Pressure behind my nose/eyes may or may not have been due to sinus issues - and if so - could have been part of an underlying medical condition this whole time.

3) I do have bad posture and a bad chair but - probably not why I was experiencing chest pain. 

4) I could have had carpal tunnel syndrome, but my nerve issues are affecting me everywhere now and I really really don’t think that’s it. 

I really wish and hope that I can tackle this head on.

But yes, yes I do, sometimes (red flags aside). The bits and pieces. The parts of our relationship I know I will never find anywhere else. Those moments that were truly ours. I know our love manifested in strange and sometimes uncomfortable ways, but I don’t regret it - my almost 6 years with him. Is there a way to not miss someone who was ‘there’ for a quarter of your then-life? As time passed we spent less and less time together, and I knew many things had changed... but our love didn’t; our bond didn’t. He is someone who definitely helped me grow as a person (and hopefully, vice versa)... and he definitely cared for me to the greatest degree. I know, I know, no one would believe me if I said that - except Connie - she was present in my life for the entirety of the relationship. 

When he exited my life once and for all, it didn’t feel like a ‘breakup’... it felt like I had lost a family member and dear friend. And I know this may sound like a terrible comparison to make, considering your circumstances... but that is the most accurate way that I can describe it. It was a different kind of goodbye. 

July 28, 2017

It has taken a week for your absence to sink in. Today I shed my first tear about your death. I managed to keep myself together during my vacation in Vancouver, until today at work when I heard ‘What I’ve Done’ on Spotify and realized how old the song was. How many years I’ve been listening to Linkin Park. How many of the band’s songs are in my ‘Most Listened To’ song list. The songs I’d keep on my MP3 player and phone. I still don’t know what to say exactly... but I want to sincerely thank you for sharing your talents with the world. Your voice has been in my heart for 15 years, and it will continue to be. Although I do not believe that suicide is the best way to go, I understand that sometimes it is not a matter of choice. I can’t imagine what you must have been going through, the demons you were battling... I respect what happened and truly hope that you are in a better place now, free of torment and pain. Thank you for accompanying me from childhood through to adulthood. I will miss you. I miss you. 

…why the hell would I randomly hang out with a known druggie from elementary school who I dont even talk to (nor want to talk to) anymore

Dabu u so silly 😟

I had to take deep breaths bc fighting just brings back deja vu of my previous relationship that was full of fighting and i hated that feeling and i was like no. Nonononono. I’m not letting this happen again. Talk to me. Pick up the phone…