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@humanwritingmachine
I hope youâre doing well⌠wherever you are

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The memories are sweeter
I abducted us from the real world and imprisoned us in my dreams
Did I know what I was doing?
Was I warned about my actions that I was taking?
The consequences they would have on the people around me?
Was I aware of the mistakes that they were gonna reveal years after they were made?
Missed opportunities
To make better decisions
To treat him and her different
God this burns
And my tears donât even know how to fall
God
Please
I beg of you
This responsibility
Of an aching soul
How can I make decisions that wonât ache the soul
How can I Know
Before the wind blows and knocks it all over
This free will is making me somber
Iâd rather be held safely
Guided by the one willing to take me
And itâs only God that can save me now
Because Iâve hurt so much trying to lead my own
Now there canât be a space where I wonât feel alone
Its me in my zone
Hiding in my world
And it gets real dark here some days you know?
For days and days call it revelation
And then I have to find the fuse
Call it elevation
Realizing there is only me to take me out the station
Living in a nation
Of foggy principalities
With corrupted municipalities
Anonymous personalities
Copy and pasted laws for humanities
Unbothered ego filled capacities
I write for the lost ones like me
The decisions we make, will either bite us now or later
When we unlock fields of awareness, we realize what weâve done
We can either sit in the ignorance of the same echoing song and dance weâve been done
Or leap to the next one.
This time
It ends
Forever
And the silence will remind us of December
Accepting the death of my lover
I sat by the river
Waiting for a message delivered
Sad and withered
A flower held by a singer unable to rid of the death itâs linger
The smell so pungent
Air tastes of bitter
Words havenât been written this much is clearer
As the days that have been counted since the last poem donât seem to flow as freeâer
I pray for strength to stand in my ground much greater
Than a hater or a see you later or trying to accomplish a love that suffocates her
Or him
Going on a whim
Guessing sheâs with him
And they frolic in the field Iâd left behind a few times before
But I always only stood at the door
Then came back in
Because Iâd guessed it was not him
But me whoâs lost and wounded from the past deep within
So I built up my muscles and sang a hymn
For the person Iâd adored but then itâd be another if not him
Because I have stories in my mind
Iâd love to play in real life
Itâd be so easy to make me laugh
Itâd be so easy to make me a wife
Even if theyâre going through strife
The sadness I feel is nothing unreal
But a truth t
It was never going to be you
Despite me wanting it to be the truth
I donât know the kind of man who are you, co the

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In the realm of curiousity I played like a little kid at the playground
Whimsically crossing roads to see what is on the other side
As a chicken or the cat curiosity killed me
I fell in the pit of deciet and despair
I locked eyes with the devil that threw me into mid air
Without knowing I have no wings, I couldnât hold on to a table or a chair
SLAM!
Goes my body splattered on the floor
How can I know? How can I trust another son of a whore?
I try to love with no thoughts of fear, but my love and fear come with chains wrapping them together
I try to trust but my trust comes with razor fences guarding all around its borders
I try
I try
I try.
Why my struggles have done this I donât know whyâŚ
We speak of the wilderness like itâs a safe zone for the insaneâ¨Naivety dripping out like snot falling from your faceâ¨Repeated cycles manifesting again with memorized lines from older rusted loops in the chainâ¨Remember that day of when our sinister sides playedâ¨How the white lies wereâ¨How hidden they stayedâ¨How words were redacted and whispers screamed loudly around the placeâ¨How eyes with looks in a specific direction painted more words than the sound of truth and spoken painâ¨Naivety pouring out of my eyes like salty tears as I recall also swimming naked in the warm watered lakeâ¨The secret spot of the sins and the cycles that manifested through memorized linesâ¨And you call me a rat but itâs a word that carries familiarity in your eyesâ¨It takes one to know oneâ¨You see we are a family raised on liesâ¨By the sinister blue bearded man with memorized linesâ¨Welcome to the clubâ¨Of Where The Wild Things Are
All in all, the shame doesnât serve you for the greater good
And the more you bring your past experiences and feelings that you have clogged up in your system from those past experiences, into present experiences, the more you are forcing your own cycle to repeat itself
The thing is, I donât know how to heal the part of me that felt used and unloved and not enough to the people around her
I donât know how to heal the part of me that was abandoned by the close ones that she loves
I donât know how to heal the part of I that could not see the deception and lies
I donât know how to heal the part that was shamed into silence
The part that was ignored
Treated with violence when I shouldâve been hugged
Made to feel like a heavy burden on the hearts of the people that should have been taking care of her
When she just wanted the peace to come back and for the yelling to calm but was told that it was her fault, that she was making it worse
She just wanted to be loved and for a few seconds she felt it but it was taken away every time
And
It never made sense.
How could it be? Was it them or me?
And so
The lesson is learned but the wounds may take a while to heal
And I donât know how to heal them
Iâm bandaging them up and for a moment my blood stops and the scabs begin to form but with a small bump into them and all the bandages are soaked up with blood again
Bleeding all over the sheets Iâve worked hard to get the blood out of
As I sit here in a puddle of my own blood I think to myself what if I just stayed here?
Sitting in this puddle, because the blood just wonât stop
Whatâs the point in cleaning it up?
The thing is
When a wound isnât sewed shut and treated
When a wound is ignored as it bleeds out
You die
So I donât know, figure out how to stop the bleeding, youâre making a mess. Lol.
Love yourself
You think Iâm not struggling. You should be in a better equipped space to grieve and handle your grievances. Stop making me feel like I am to blame for your own inability to be there for yourself. Fucking be there for yourself why arenât you being there for yourself! Why are you asking for sympathy from the wicked? You are being fucking stupid!

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Iâm only trying to help you think Bayan you feel yourself crashing donât youâŚ
Letâs take care of that
Letâs think of the things you can do to self soothe without hurting yourself
I know pain always brought you comfort but you felt even worse after
What is it that will make you calm
Maybe cold plunge
Yeah
Letâs do that
Fuck that fuck them fuck you
Stupid girl
He plays you like a violin and you melt
You melt like you are wax and you dry up for him to melt again
Letâs pour gasoline on you and just burn you to the ground
Letâs burn you to the ground
Its good and also embarrassing to have the things I felt on a stupid tumblr account Iâve had since I was 12
I think?
I look back and read myself
Some things were said out of spite
Some things were said out of anger
But all the things were emotions bďżźegging to let go of me
Write
Post
Forget
Write
Post
Forget
But then there were the patterns I have had since then
And they become clearer and clearer each time
Each person that comes into my life has been part of this pattern
Except for Hannah and Tyler and Laura and Cassina and Trev
The only people
Beyond my whirlpool of chaos
The calmness around me
I can step out now
When Iâm with my people
I can step out of the whirlpool
And look at it and see what is going on
From another perspective
Iâm grateful for the people in my life
I know for these people I can just relax
I donât have to fight to keep them around
I donât have to burn myself to light them
Iâm grateful
Thank you Allah for gifting me with unconditional love
Thank you for life
Thank you for me
Thank you for earth
Thank you for them
Thank you
Thank you for the good
Thank you for the bad
Thank you

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I can stand my own ground
Cola on Drugs
You ŧaste the sweet bitter secrets and accept others' pretty lies
you write poems of purple
and beg to paint HIS pretty smiles
what about you?
what about your pretty lies?
what about your face and inconsistent highs?
you can hurt yourself
and feel the bruises flood your thighs
but you never esxape
the Human
that
within
you
lays
'''(','','',''Lies,'','','',)
no less than a wife
no less than a mother
just a humaan to provide a life
just one to listen
just one to hide
just one to understand
just one to wake
the soul
inside