Fucked..

Was I warned about my actions that I was taking?

The consequences they would have on the people around me?

Was I aware of the mistakes that they were gonna reveal years after they were made?

Missed opportunities

To make better decisions

To treat him and her different

God this burns

And my tears don’t even know how to fall

God

Please

I beg of you

This responsibility

Of an aching soul

How can I make decisions that won’t ache the soul

How can I Know

Before the wind blows and knocks it all over

This free will is making me somber

I’d rather be held safely

Guided by the one willing to take me

And it’s only God that can save me now

Because I’ve hurt so much trying to lead my own

Now there can’t be a space where I won’t feel alone

Its me in my zone

Hiding in my world

And it gets real dark here some days you know?

For days and days call it revelation

And then I have to find the fuse

Call it elevation

Realizing there is only me to take me out the station

Living in a nation

Of foggy principalities

With corrupted municipalities

Anonymous personalities

Copy and pasted laws for humanities

Unbothered ego filled capacities

I write for the lost ones like me

The decisions we make, will either bite us now or later

When we unlock fields of awareness, we realize what we’ve done

We can either sit in the ignorance of the same echoing song and dance we’ve been done

It ends

Forever

And the silence will remind us of December

Accepting the death of my lover

I sat by the river

Waiting for a message delivered

Sad and withered

A flower held by a singer unable to rid of the death it’s linger

The smell so pungent

Air tastes of bitter

Words haven’t been written this much is clearer

As the days that have been counted since the last poem don’t seem to flow as free’er

I pray for strength to stand in my ground much greater

Than a hater or a see you later or trying to accomplish a love that suffocates her

Or him

Going on a whim

Guessing she’s with him

And they frolic in the field I’d left behind a few times before

But I always only stood at the door

Then came back in

Because I’d guessed it was not him

But me who’s lost and wounded from the past deep within

So I built up my muscles and sang a hymn

For the person I’d adored but then it’d be another if not him

Because I have stories in my mind

I’d love to play in real life

It’d be so easy to make me laugh

It’d be so easy to make me a wife

Even if they’re going through strife

The sadness I feel is nothing unreal

But a truth t

It was never going to be you

Despite me wanting it to be the truth

Whimsically crossing roads to see what is on the other side

As a chicken or the cat curiosity killed me

I fell in the pit of deciet and despair

I locked eyes with the devil that threw me into mid air

Without knowing I have no wings, I couldn’t hold on to a table or a chair

SLAM!

Goes my body splattered on the floor

How can I know? How can I trust another son of a whore?

I try to love with no thoughts of fear, but my love and fear come with chains wrapping them together

I try to trust but my trust comes with razor fences guarding all around its borders

I try

I try

I try.

And the more you bring your past experiences and feelings that you have clogged up in your system from those past experiences, into present experiences, the more you are forcing your own cycle to repeat itself

The thing is, I don’t know how to heal the part of me that felt used and unloved and not enough to the people around her

I don’t know how to heal the part of me that was abandoned by the close ones that she loves

I don’t know how to heal the part of I that could not see the deception and lies

I don’t know how to heal the part that was shamed into silence

The part that was ignored

Treated with violence when I should’ve been hugged

Made to feel like a heavy burden on the hearts of the people that should have been taking care of her

When she just wanted the peace to come back and for the yelling to calm but was told that it was her fault, that she was making it worse

She just wanted to be loved and for a few seconds she felt it but it was taken away every time

And

It never made sense.

How could it be? Was it them or me?

And so

The lesson is learned but the wounds may take a while to heal

And I don’t know how to heal them

I’m bandaging them up and for a moment my blood stops and the scabs begin to form but with a small bump into them and all the bandages are soaked up with blood again

Bleeding all over the sheets I’ve worked hard to get the blood out of

As I sit here in a puddle of my own blood I think to myself what if I just stayed here?

Sitting in this puddle, because the blood just won’t stop

What’s the point in cleaning it up?

The thing is

When a wound isn’t sewed shut and treated

When a wound is ignored as it bleeds out

You die

Let’s take care of that

Let’s think of the things you can do to self soothe without hurting yourself

I know pain always brought you comfort but you felt even worse after

What is it that will make you calm

Maybe cold plunge

Yeah

He plays you like a violin and you melt

You melt like you are wax and you dry up for him to melt again

Let’s pour gasoline on you and just burn you to the ground

I think?

I look back and read myself

Some things were said out of spite

Some things were said out of anger

But all the things were emotions begging to let go of me

Write

Post

Forget

Write

Post

Forget

But then there were the patterns I have had since then

And they become clearer and clearer each time

Each person that comes into my life has been part of this pattern

Except for Hannah and Tyler and Laura and Cassina and Trev

The only people

Beyond my whirlpool of chaos

The calmness around me

I can step out now

When I’m with my people

I can step out of the whirlpool

And look at it and see what is going on

From another perspective

I’m grateful for the people in my life

I know for these people I can just relax

I don’t have to fight to keep them around

I don’t have to burn myself to light them

I’m grateful

Thank you Allah for gifting me with unconditional love

Thank you for life

Thank you for me

Thank you for earth

Thank you for them

Thank you

Thank you for the good

Thank you for the bad

You ŧaste the sweet bitter secrets and accept others' pretty lies

you write poems of purple

and beg to paint HIS pretty smiles

what about you?

what about your pretty lies?

what about your face and inconsistent highs?

you can hurt yourself

and feel the bruises flood your thighs

but you never esxape

the Human

that

within

you

lays

'''(','','',''Lies,'','','',)

no less than a wife

no less than a mother

just a humaan to provide a life

just one to listen

just one to hide

just one to understand

just one to wake

the soul