Submitted by "Miss Happy Not So Happy"
"A lot of people ask me why I am so happy. I am so happy because I am blessed with God as the focus of my life. I am happy because of the way he has shaped me and provided for me. I am happy because of the way I have struggled. There was a time that I wasn't very happy deep down. In fact, I wanted to commit suicide. I was being verbally abused by a basketball trainer that was training me outside of school. I was a sophomore, and I was really disappointed in myself for not being fully varsity material. Though I was accepted onto the team, the coach told me he really didn't want me to be on his team yet and I would never get to play. So I chose to stay on JV so I could get playing time. I felt so lame for still being on JV since my plan since I was 9 was to play varsity as a freshman and get a scholarship to play in college. How in the world was that going to happen if I couldn't even get time on the court with varsity?! I was so disappointed in myself for ruining my plans. Even more so, I was hurt for being unwanted by the varsity coach. Iām not just one that will sit around and sulk. If I want something, I go after it. So to improve, I trained with my dad all of the time. I would average 3-4 hrs of sleep each night because I would get home from school & practice around 6, study and eat until about 9 or 10, go to the gym till midnight with my dad, come home and finish studying until about 2-3 AM. Since I was at the gym when all of the other male basketball players were there (mostly college), they all were taken back by a scrawny girl shooting hoops. One night, one of those guys came up to my dad and me and told me how much potential I had. He said he had been watching my dad work me, but I needed more if I really wanted to improve ā I needed to be trained like a guy. He told me he would train me for free because he was inspired by my work ethic. Of course, my dad and I jumped right on board because I was tired of my dad coaching me and I really wanted to prove to everyone that I was good enough. But really, I needed to prove to myself I was good enough. I was so happy for someone other than my dad to believe in my potential. I trained with him that night, and I loved it. I had never worked out so hard in my life. But after night after night being trained like a college guy when I was a 16-year old skinny-bone-jones, oh that definitely took a toll on my body. This trainer did what trainers do⦠he yelled a whole lot and told me to give more. I would cry while working out because I was so emotionally drained. He didnāt care. My dad didnāt seem to care either. They thought I was being weak. I would come home and cry a lot more. I began to hate myself for hating my trainer. How could I hate someone that was making me such a great basketball player, and was also doing it for free?! People would kill to be in my position. And yet, I wanted to kill myself to get out of the position. I told my family how much I hated training with the trainer. I always felt discouraged and belittled. The little confidence I had to begin with was completely stripped away from me. Though my family listened, they really didnāt do much about it because I was being āimmatureā. After driving home one night from a game that I played terribly in and was being yelled at by my dad for, I decided to jump out of the car while it was still moving to escape. My mindset was that I didnāt care if I was going to be run over or kidnapped or killed, I just needed to escape from the torture. There was that voice of reason still with me though and so I waited till the car was slowing down at a red light to hop out of the car and run to the nearest gas station. I got scared by some people because it was 11 pm in a not-so-safe area, so I called my mom. She refused to pick me up because she said I needed to work out my problems with my dad and ride home with him. I rode home with my dad in a very silent car⦠but the voices in my head were screaming at me. I was thinking of numerous ways to kill myself when I got home. But then other parts of me were saying how stupid I was being for even thinking and feeling like this. I was just so conflicted and confused and frustrated. I felt useless and hopeless, and what was even worse, felt like no one cared. I told myself, if someone just cared, I wouldnāt do it. Immediately when I got home, I ran away to the park near my house. I had decided on how I was going to kill myself. But before I would do so, I would do two things⦠1. Pray 2. See if my family even noticed and cared that I was missing. I prayed⦠probably one of the longest conversations I had in my life. I told Him, āIf you show me a reason why I should stay on this earth, I will.ā I guess when it came down to it, I had no confidence in myself. It wasnāt fully because I was verbally abused. It was because of what the abuse brought up in me. I didnāt know I had felt useless and without a purpose. I admitted to myself that as much as I hated my trainer, it wasnāt his fault for me feeling this way. Of course, it contributed to it. However, it was myself that let others get to me and belittle me⦠make me feel weak and useless, when really Iām great. I donāt mean that in arrogance. I just mean that we all have a purpose on this earth and none of us deserve to feel as little as I did. I realized this when I went back to my house. I snuck into the backyard, and spied on my family. No one seemed to care that I was gone. I sat crying in my backyard for feeling so unloved. My little sister noticed and came out immediately. She told me how much I scared her. I told her I was sorry and that I was probably going to be gone for a very long time. She told me she didnāt want me to leave and that she loved me. It was my little 7 year old sister that showed me my purpose that night. God had answered my prayers and gave me a reason to not follow through with my plans. After that, I re-devoted my whole life to God. I had distanced myself away from him throughout my entire pain because I was ashamed of myself and ashamed of how God would view me. But after that experience, I realized that God doesnāt expect us to be perfect; he knows we arenāt because He created us. He wants us to come as our broken selves so that we may be put back together again with his love. He is a merciful and loving father, not one that hates imperfection. Now Iāll admit in retrospect, this experience was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. Iām not saying I liked feeling like this. I absolutely hated it. But it was through my struggle that I learned who I am and figured out my purpose on life as to serve others for the glory of God, for he is the definition of serving by loving unconditionally. It was through this experience that I learned I am a fighter, and no one can strip that away from me but myself. So you may ask me now why I am so happy. Iāll tell you why. Itās because I have never lived a day without my father in heaven since. Itās because I know I always have someone with me that believes in me and loves me. Itās because I know what it feels like to be in the darkest of places that I am now able to be happy under all circumstances. And so now you humans of STLCOP⦠when youāre feeling down, remember that youāre a fighter too, and thereās always a brighter day if you let the sunshine in."