i'm a (slowly) healing human

Did you see the same beauty I saw while looking through the camera lens? Did you feel my heart beat to the speed of fluttering butterfly wings as we held hands? Did you feel me break like a crumbling tombstone? Something to acknowledge what is gone, now gone for good. Did you feel my ribs shatter with the velocity of a car crashing into a liquor store, torso thrust forwards, collarbone hits the steering wheel and for the first time you hear the silence. Did you understand how I felt?

I always thought you were the friend that'd never leave my side, the drama will always come in waves but never for a moment did I think you'd drift away in it. I thought you'd comfort me in my times of crumbling, and be the friend you had always been. That role becomes a difficult one to play once you are the one who made the waves roll, that allowed them to crash together in utter chaos. This time you were the one who broke my heart. I was naïve, you were inconsiderate, and together we became a tsunami.

From so many attempts of trying to find happiness by first finding love, I have discovered one thing I am certain of. While I deserve both happiness and love, those are two separate journeys, and I can find happiness where there is no romance or lust to be found. When you stop trying to find happiness by first finding love, you might realize that happiness has been closer to home than you thought.

I think I have officially lost all hope of us ever happening. I know there are definitely reasons I should, at least. How come nothing changed with that realization though? Why am I still in love with you? Why can't I move on?

I feel so entirely broken. I feel as if I'm no longer even a part of myself. I'm so scared that one day everyone will leave and I'll be here left alone with myself to ponder my sadness.

I crawled on jagged glass simply to cry on your lap, to discover a shattered statue. When you idolize someone, that image will always shatter. I should’ve been prepared. I needed someone who didn’t exist to comfort me while grieving a person who never existed. I needed my statue back.

I have cried so many tears for you that you will never see, I have prayed so many times for you to a God that neither of us actually believe in, I would've sacrificed my life, my dreams, every single one of my fingers that you've called 'adorable' all just to make you happy for a moment. And yet, you still left. And yet, I wasn't surprised. And yet, I'd do it all again.

She looked away and said 'I'm here if you ever want to talk. About anything.' he eventually mumbled, 'Talking is meaningless. Words don't mean anything anymore.' In that moment she knew that she broke him. She felt as empty as he did. This breakup needed to happen, it was such a long time coming, but she was finally able to wrap her head around the fact that no one wins this time. This is a battle heart to heart that no one survives.

I broke your heart, and I felt mine ache for you. I promise, I didn't intend to walk into your life just to leave and hurt you. I meant every word I said at the time, I just didn't know that that isn't always enough.

I couldn't shake this feeling that this isn't how things were meant to turn out for us. That we had so much more waiting for us on the other side to just fuck it all up now.

I fell asleep holding a phone to my face, listening to your breathing. In that moment, I realized this was a pain that would never stop giving and never stop taking.

I used to think love was when someone gave you a warm tingly feeling, but now I know that love is heavy. Love is heavy and sweet, with occasional bitter layers in between, love has a mouth on it, love will keep you in line, love will blur the lines entirely but still expect you to remain inside them. When you feel love, you become mad with it. You become irrational, unpredictable, and simply drenched in it. It is a weight I will gladly carry. I will walk into the ocean with no stopping in sight carrying armfuls of love.

Do you only think about me when it's convenient to you?

I think that I'm finally over you, and then your hand brushes my arm and I'm back at square one