hireath

I am perfectly ONE myself. Or two halves if you prefer it that way.

Pity them who are only complete when they found the other half through another person.

If it is sweet, we keep dwelling on. If it is bitter, we keep ignoring.

Those choices were made. And they made me now.

It is impermissible. Why? 

Just like an overnight sleep, we can forget everything, for a night. While taking our own life would ends everything. 

I told Umi, i don't wanna celebrate Raya this year, not with them cousins and relatives. I don't wanna see or meet them. Can I just be sick on that day, so I can stay at home or locked in my room. 

i have this identity crisis, and I can't accept myself. A failure.

So I started to withdraw myself from the society. it has been almost a year. After a while, I joined Tasya volunteering, as a last minute replacement, merely doing her a favour. I don't know how to introduce myself to others, what am I? who am I really? I almost have this internal breakdown, a loooong pause, to a point that she needed to cover it for me. 

To me, such questions really would sink me to the deepest sea. I feel uneasy, I hate it, please stop it and just pretend that I am invisible. 

So I pursue my masters, it was just to shut their mouths. Genuine interest started to develop later when I begin to know more about it. My plan was to just mind my own business in the classes and care less about others, I don't need new friends. I did that in the first class, until later that I know I needed to leverage on others on certain things. and being alone just make me seem like a snob, or so I thought. But I still enjoy sitting alone far apart from others, having my own space. Less suffocated.

I still have this withdrawal syndrome. I hate attending to events even if it just in my neighbourhood. This weekend is a friend’s wedding, and another friends came a long way for a small reunion. I really wanna see you Wani and Erna, but just you two, not others, not seniors, not postgrads, not akaks and abangs. I am really sorry to pull out from the plan. I hope I can tell you this, but it won't be easy.