A Writers Thoughts

tyler text me

She leaves bite marks in her comments,

that can tie cherry stems with her sharp tongue,

Yet I keep coming back for more.

She turns my pale cheeks into a blooming crimson,

and leaves the residue of drupe all over my mind.

I tasted her sweet cherry flavored kisses; and dream of them at night.

And as my head rests on my pillow, the cherry kisses linger into a chimera.

Why must something that taste so good poison my heart?

A delicacy that takes and wounds my essence.

But I will take my cherry kisses over any other flavor,

I was a romantic and sentimental creature— who had the tendency towards solitude

wrapped in romantic ideas of what could of been and should have been.

what “could’ve” is now diminished, and I look back and cry for my past self. I moan out ghostly and haunting of a version of myself that was corrupted.

you were cruel and harsh, a person who did not know how to love and therefore taught me I was unloveable.

I was too much, too much to handle, too particular, too needy, too sensitive, too emotional, too aware… That it is I who is not a poet.

you told me I was no longer your sun, I was no longer your moon, I was no longer your heart, and no longer your sea.

But why would tears and the sea taste the same if I was no longer the sorrows you lunged at me like waves in the ocean.

It is I a poet. I refuse to be your heart broken, refuse to be missed call, I refuse to be a distant memory, refuse to be a luminous constant in the sky, i refuse to be a body of water.

I have to think back for moments and think how I really feel about you. I am betrayed by your actions of your weird intensions of reaching out to my ex. Why did you want to know if he was okay and not me? What made him special for you to reach out and not even think twice about me? You knew he abused me(yes physically, emotionally, and verbally), I opened up to you about his awful exchanges of words with me. I told you about his ill sexual desires he acted upon because I was somehow not fulfilling. How could you ever want a friendship with someone who treated your friend like that? I guess we are different. I would have never done this to you. And we both know everything that happened with Paulina was a lie... But I won’t get into that because it infuriates me. How do you lose two of your closest friends and expect me to still believe you. After all, you were the one who told Paulina I was a bad person, I was the one will false intuitions, I was the one who was a liar. I may have soiled our friendship for my contact with Paulina, but I never once went behind your back after we stopped being friends to rekindle anything. You reached out to my ex, your measures are vile. I am sick to this day. 

I will believe my side while you will believe yours. There’s no fixing another’s perspective to how everything went down. I am right and you are right. There’s no convincing your stubborn self that you owe me the biggest apology. I blocked your number because the thought of getting a text from you again made me queasy. It makes me uneasy and anxious. I unblocked it recently because I knew you’ll be in town around Cherrish’s birthday party. I did think about it a lot, and I still don’t know if I want to see you or speak to you again. There’s one thing I always had for you that you didn’t have for me and that was loyalty. I was a dog to you Giana I was your bitch. You knew how much I adored you and wanted to please you. It seems odd to write it and read it out loud to myself but God I just loved you so much. I always find myself and find my mind wandering about our previous friendship and how much fun I had. It was the first time in a long time I truly had a best friend. The one where we would sleepover and text each other all the time. Borrow each other’s clothes and do our makeup and hair, it was the ultimate innocence and purity of a female friendship. I know you and Heavyn were closer but fuck it was so vulnerable of me to let someone get that close. I loved you and I think I still do, you were just an important person in my life and it felt like you were my partner sometimes. I wish you felt the same or even a little bit of remorse for what you did. I always despised that about you, you could never admit when you were in the wrong and it just made me so bitter towards you. These negative feelings and resentfulness is just want made me even question what my part of the friendship even meant to you. Do you ever think about me? Do I ever come wandering in your mind?

I still love you, yeah... I do. I can’t look back and be angry at you or even have resentment towards you. You were my soulmate at one point and maybe you still are. My friend soul mate forever. I wish in high school we didn’t let boys/ girls come between us or our insecurities. I envied you and you envied me. For what reasons I don’t know but for me you were always the beautiful, tall, a mysterious friend that I could always come to find out new cool things, share my music with, share my book recommendations, and just someone I never got bored of. My breakup and amongst other things made me into a person I hated and could not handle. I was not mature and I was in constant pain always. It isn’t an excuse for how I acted or how I was treating you. I just wish Giana, I wish you never reached out to him. Why him? Why wouldn’t you pick me, you didn’t you want to reach out to me instead of that narcissist.  

There’s no taking back what you did or reversing time for anything. I still find it hard to make peace with the fact you knew what he did and never once reached out to me. I still love you. I just can’t help but love you still. You just came into my life at the right time and left when I needed you the most. But I will say I am not a bad person, Giana. That last text message you wrote me made me realize we have different values and how you told me I was a bad person was just self projection. You knew you no longer had control over me and the situation with Paulina. You kissed her and tried to say they sexually assaulted you. Our definitions of sexual assault are different I suppose. I will not sit here and let you lie to me anymore about it, especially after YOU talked shit about me to the person who supposedly assaulted you. You lied to cover up the fact you cheated on James. You were all over Paulina that night of her 21st birthday. You were sitting on their lap, hugging them, the affection was there and so was the intent. I will refuse to let you lie to me when I opened up to you about Justice fucking me without a condom even though I asked multiple times. That. Is. Assault. You watched me cry into your arms on New Year’s Eve. You even realized how manipulative my ex was when you caught him trying to gaslight you. And above all other things, you were the one to point it out to me. After all that you still reached out to him after he smashed my car window. Unbelievable

I am angry still, I don’t think I can ever stop being angry. Until you admit you lied or extended a story further from the truth our friendship will die how it did in 2021. I would stop being mad, I would find it deep down in myself to understand why you did the things you did and forgive you but I can’t if you keep up with this propositus lie. I love you enough to forgive you, but I will not believe a lie you made up that you started to believe yourself. Paulina, Heavyn, you, and I know the truth.

Inspirations: love witch, Elvira, lily munster, vampira

Ok this is for Nora. Writing it on my tumblr because why not. So here is the movie plot/pitch. This is meant to be camp.

So there’s this girl named Alicia (we can keep the name of change it I don’t know yet) But she comes from a family of witches okay. So growing up her abuela and mom had books around, practices, ceremonies, and she was seeing this all her life. But the thing is she didn’t get any powers so when they were training her growing up she couldn’t flicker/blow out a candle, she couldn’t do any spells or communicate with animals. She was basically a witch without the powers so not really anything. This made Alicia believe she was useless and had no talents. Her abuela and mother was upset because they wanted her to follow witch craft and at least be able to teach her offspring but this is the fucking early 2000′s, Alicia doesn’t want to settle down or be traditional. 

SO as she realizes this, and she decides not to go to college and stay in her hometown- she fees like a failure and has no purpose so she is hard into the party scene. So once the flash back of her childhood are over we see her in real time, early 20′s LIVING it up in clubs and parties and bars. She feels like her purpose is partying so she ditches the idea of being a witch. She has a group of friends who are also lost and just want to party so her life is going really... no where. She introduced to drugs like molly, coke, weed, ecstasy, acid, shrooms, but there is a panic going around with fentanyl so all her friends are bugging. They don’t want to drugs anymore because of everything being laced and also the effects of the drugs wears off faster and they are hard to get at times. 

Alicia is upset at her friends not wanting to drugs and party with her. She decides if she can’t get any drugs then she will just make them. She goes to her abuelas house and visits her and starts to ask about witch craft again, her grandma is excited she is interested again and suggest to Alicia she start with protection spells and play with natural herbs. Alicia convinces her abuela to go in her study (where to practices witchcraft) and warns her granddaughter not to get too curious and learn a little at a time.

While in her grandmothers study she notices a little black bag. She opens it up and the smells hits her nose and instantly she gags. She never smelt something like this before but it gave her an instant head rush so she decides to take the bag and other powders she saw lying around. (Breaking Bad inspired)

As she gets alone she decides to experiment with all the stuff se smuggled from her grandmas. She looks up on he dark web how to make drugs and she looks up different chemicals and how they react. (cue in the montage of her getting high and taking a lot of drugs with the things she buys). She gets crafty with everything but nothing is as strong as it used to be so she tries to make a drug where every time you get high it is the same high as you have before and you can’t build a tolerance because each high will be just as good as the next.

She ends up making this powerful drug where it’s a mix of molly and coke and makes people feel so good with the powered stuff she stole from her grandma. She puts the powder in a pill form and is the first to take the drug alone in her room on a Tuesday night. As she sits and waits for 30 mins she is high and drugged out but still conscious. The drug is so amazing and she is the happiest and highest she’s ever felt. She stays home and trips out on this new drug she made and spends 6-8 hours high and out of control (Cue in the scene where she can’t stop using her vibrator for hours).

The next day she brings the capsules to her friends house and gathers everyone around. Everyone is skeptical at first but Alicia explains how she made it so it’s safe and it was the best high she has ever felt before. Once she gets her friends to try her drugs, everyone waits and eventually get high and party all night. They go out they have fun, they dance, and it was a crazy fun night and everyone agrees this is the best drug they ever had. They agree to call it Z after her last name Zamora. 

Once word gets around about the new drug Z, people come to Alicia and ask for pills and pills and Alicia gets overwhelmed with how much business she is getting. The more people use it the more the word gets around and Alicia is getting a lot of money from it. There’s no other party drug like this and people begin to party harder, get hornier, and nights get longer.

Alicia quits her job as she begins to make an income off Z, a couple of weeks go by and Alicia’s abuela is freaking out and asking Alicia if she’s seen the black bag that was in the study. Alicia says “no” but realizes that the stuff in the black bag is running out and she needs more to continue to make the drug. As she tries to find out where he grandma got the bag of dust from, she goes over to “help” her grandma. She starts asking her questions and that’s when her grandma reveals what that stuff really was.

Basically it is a crystal crushed up used for black magic. But because it’s lost that means evil can come and use it that can control humans almost in like a zombie state. Alicia begins to freak out internally because the whole down town early 20′s adults have taken a good majority of her pills. Alicia keeps asking her grandma what would happen if it ended up in the wrong hands and she explains a witch who gets people’s to consume her stuff is capable of manipulating and controlling someone. 

Come to find any witch would be able to cast a spell anyone under the influence under Z because it contains the powered substance (we can call it uhhhh orbiteze) So they dark magic man, who controls clubs and the party scene finds out about Z and it containing orbiteze. He decides he can get more money and more people to come to his club and built his empire and steal Alicia’s drug that way she won’t have any control over the people who take it. He als intends to use this for bad (like sex trafficking and selling organs) 

Becaue there’s no more orbiteze only the grandma and the black magic man know where to get it. (which you need to be an OG witch in order to get it because it is hidden far and dangerous to get. Once Alicia realizes she’s not the only one with orbiteze, her drug Z isn’t selling as much since the black magic man is stealing her idea and selling the drug too. She has to go to the club and confront him which he then reveals his plot on the harvest full moon in October he is gonna cast a black magic spell on everyone who’s taken Z and his own drug with orbiteze and make him a part of his scene and have them sell their bodies and do terrible things for him.

Alicia begins to freak out and realizes things have gone too far and all she wanted to do was party with a better drug. She has to tell her abuela which at first she is really mad but then realizes who the black magic man is which was one of her students when she was a teacher witch and how evil and powerful he is and must take him down (he is a white man). 

Alicia practices witchcraft with her abuela despite knowing she doesn’t have any witch powers. She then realizes the only powers she has is when it involves potions and that’s why she was able to make such a powerful drug because she is a witch that specializes in potions and not the other factors. Even though she doesn’t possess any other witch powers she uses potions and protection spells in order to perfect her craft and take down the black magic man. 

This is going to be based inn early 2000′s, it is going to be corny and it is going to have her as the protagonist which she is a Hispanic girl with short black hair that curls at the end and wispy bangs. She is going to be iconic for her looks which her most iconic outfit will be a red dress crossing her body and emphasizing her figure. I do not know how she is going to defeat the black magic man but I’m thinking she can make another drug which helps her defeat him we will see. Her weapon is going to be rosary which she uses to fight the evil back magic man hahah. It’s going to be very cobra snake like with the party scenes with poppers and coke and a lot of references to LGBTQ.