Hot Boy Hot Tub

They left the big light on the whole time, they had no goddamn lamps in their bedroom. Like who does that. Love and all that but also there were forty thousand McDonald’s cups 1/4 filled with diluted soda everywhere. I pulled up the mattress to find like fifty of them under the bed.

I went out with a guy this past weekend. We sat in a bar and made incredibly minimal small talk and then we went out for a drive and he parked his jeep just hidden in the tree line next to a reservoir. We talked and fooled around until three in the morning. I brushed thru his hair with my fingers as long as he let me and I fell into a fucking trance. I don’t know if I was what he was looking for, I’m not sure he was what I was looking for. He got dumped like pretty recently, and I ended a 2 year relationship like two months ago. Yet, I am obsessed with this memory of that night. Like if cinderella humming the tune from the ball was an insane woman who works in a shop and says way too many emotionally revealing things live on twitch every night

Usually I get all weepy a day before my cycle, but this is like 5 days in. I have no idea why I’m completely obsessing over this. I have no idea who to talk to, I’m googling “sex obsession” and getting incredibly unhelpful results. It’s like “stop doing drugs and pestering people for sex” but like I am sober and am doing a very good job of going about my days normally and not messaging this man, like a normal human being.

I’m writing shitty poetry and drawing and dancing and I feel alive but it feels so hollow, like this dopamine is solidly grounded in someone else’s opinion of me. The moment I realize I’ve been ghosted I feel like I might like come down with a horrible illness or something.

Drinking and drawing hetalia every night central time 8:00 for a few hours if u wanna tune in to my insane yapping and my multiple cat cams

The sweet spot I’m tryina hit is like this: original character I write who is the audience surrogate i.e. referred to in the writing as “you”. I’m trying to write as bare bones as possible, physical descriptions avoided at all cost. That being said, it ends up being I write from a feminine, cis, bi, white, adult, perspective, these things I find myself not being able to write outside of without making careful and calculated stories that intentionally touch on a perspective outside my own. I would love for readers unlike me to still find common ground through our shared desires, but I know I have a lot of work to do to get there.

I say “technically I selfship” honestly because i cringe at myself and feel embarrassed about this hobby every so often. I’ve killed a lot of myself that fears having my desires and fantasies seen, but I’m not totally done yet. Has my partner seen my writing over my shoulder and said “I can tell you’re writing fanfiction”? yeah. Did it kill me inside and stop me from writing for months? Yes also. Is his opinion of my hobby something I really need to value in order to be my highest self? Well I’m online rn posting my bleeding heart to you so, no. It turns out it doesn’t. I’d like to one day write paperbacks at grocery stores, but right now I’m exploring my desires to and past the limits of my embarrassment and shame.

To touch on the media however, is a beast I think is best tackled in some sort of PHD thesis or through the art of coroner dissection. We gotta talk about hetalia. What is it? Is it for children? Is it for adults but is mimicking media for children? Or is it for children but touches on incredibly mature themes like r*pe and in*est? We could talk about this for hours, and I’m not gonna lie I’m really interested in that discussion. Two feet squarely planted, deep in this fandom, I’m interested in if and how this media is flawed, or possibly well witted. That being said, I’m incredibly proud to be among people who do discuss this, DNI lists and think posts touch on the elements of the show or fandom that give us cause for concern. I take the time to read most of the ones I come across because it shows me a lot about what a poster wants from the fandom. How they interact with art and OCs and fics. Yet somehow the cream on top is politics. You CANNOT escape it in this fandom, and it’s illuminating! You meet people who know more than you about the history of the world, your nation, a nation you’ve rarely thought of, and you meet people who haven’t passed their first social studies class in grade school yet, and unless they excuse atrocities, it’s fascinating to explore their worldview.