hospitalterrorizer

in an intangible way, and in a way which leaves me feeling stupid and unfulfilled, i wish i'd be better at making myself read, and other things, i wrote some music, though, thinking about how to write new songs to replace others, or at least have ideas, i've got some drums and guitar parts out and they're pretty strange and i think that's good. it's the kind of abstraction i'm fond of. why i feel stupid, i don't know why, but i decided i would watch those videos about louis c.k., a man who even at his peak i found to be a curiosity and, fine, i guess, someone whose show i'd see sometimes, and hey look, there's david lynch, what an interesting guy he is. that's about all the man ever meant to me, the guy who had lynch on his tv show, and the guy whose episode of tv where he was like, the thing where he's afraid to jump, both made me queasy in a sense of relation, as well as gave me an early blush with a notion that things might touch on some truth in such a way that is so... i don't know, i observed it and felt very oddly complicated about it because i could not like it, i found it negatively earnest, which was i suppose an early point i can reflect on regarding development of critical faculties. thinking of it now, it's very ridiculous, i don't know, it's so obvious and airy, insubstantial. at that age the reason it had any fleshiness whatsoever was because i was so obsessed with dying and constantly wanting to die, seeing that reflected anywhere felt, i dunno, it was like a flare in the distance of some kind, it's also a flare that was near enough to alert me to an essential stupidity in so much of that kind of thing. it was, to put it briefly, kind of gay. i believe i saw some of his comedy, i think my mom liked it, i don't remember any jokes, maybe some of them but i couldn't tell you if i do. he is a face and an unpleasant presence in popular culture. but i have now learned too much, and have learned too much to stop. the songwriting is good and i'm glad i made myself do that, i could make myself do more.

at the moment, after brushing my teeth, beginning to wash my face, or, i've washed my face, and now i am doing skincare, i am reflecting on some painful relationships i've had, or a single painful relationship. i almost started crying a lot in the bathroom thinking about when the man i was especially infatuated with a few years ago told me how he wished i were a girl because it would have made things very simple for him. it isn't any kind of longing, or regret, he wouldn't have liked anything about my gender stuff, he was unkind about that generally, and he very much did not want me to transition, when i began presenting myself differently that was a concern he had. that was late, though, and long after any feelings i had for him died completely, because he was so stupid. by then he was only pitiful and disgusting. before then, though he always was, i had blinders i guess, i met him at 18 and he seemed so much smarter than me i felt like i had to impress him to keep him as a friend. that developed into the whole thing with him. but really it's just those words, i wish you were a girl, and that i always saw myself as something like that, or that i strove towards it, and that it was not permitted, that it was something i had to do in basically dangerous ways, i couldn't ever tell anybody, not even admit it to myself, as i got older at least, or that i was that kind of thing, and that there was a kind of ambivalence and flow of being that was interrupted by people being fussy and terrified, my father making me get my hair cut as a child, these kinds of things. and the cruelty of the words that would refuse to see me as anything similar, as i was, and that i wanted to be, and didn't want to admit it to him, or myself, and that even if i tried, it would only disgust him. it's just upsetting. i don't know. i wish i didn't remember these things. it's useful, for a story, it at least gave me some passages just now but it's a painful thing.

even still, i don't know what to call myself. i don't want to call myself anything, of course. sometimes i reflect on the difficulty this can cause me, though. i don't see it as an issue to make some people fumble, with me, that is fine. it's sometimes essential, not for me to be 'myself,' but to prod at the bounds / containers of any 'myself,' which is, the failures of language, i enjoy brief moments where i go unacknowledged as a problem, that feels safe, the silence is pleasing. however, other times this seems to be taken as license to speak in such a way that reads as someone attempting to remind me of something, as if i don't know. the aimless and stupid cruelty, or sometimes flat stupidity, is a bother. i wish i were only what was before another, that when i left, i were free to not be. this is impossible, i think i prefer ultimately the impossibility and the difficulty of being, and the navigation of the our enmeshment is fruitful. i don't know, though.

i wish he did not say that to me. bringing it up, i have to bring up my past of pre-existing feelings, i always worry about talking about it because i don't want there to ever be a sense anyone gets that there is some forensic trace for a why, about any of this. there is no why. it is not representation.

i wanna go sleep now, it's starting to be an issue again, sleep.

so,

the big one was give my gf some of the money i got for my birthday so she could put it on her card, i don't have a bank account, and then use that money to buy 2 more vials of estrogen. it just seems wise to stock up a bit, and maybe i'll do more if i end up deciding to not try and get more music equipment. i'd like to, but who knows how things go. i need to keep better watch on what's happening with these hrt providers, because i hadn't realized open gate labs shut down. i don't really look at that because thinking about buying anything really stresses me out, or when / how, things of that nature, it's good i got to this early-ish, though.

other stuff i did was mess with music, the one song i was writing forever ago now has become more fleshed out, more parts and i think i've figured out some stuff to make the dissonant / grindy parts interesting in context with the rest of the song. one thing i messed with and i need to decide if i like how it sounds or if it's just louder. i dunno where i stand on that. but some of the other recent stuff i've done also sounds good on the checks i've done tonight, or am doing. one song still proves to be problematic. maybe i just leave it, i think i said this before but maybe vocals are what it needs to feel less weird, which makes sense. the guitar tone is also very strange, in a compelling way but this strangeness is very easy to hear, it's not just a tone thing alone, it's how the notes appear / move. it's interesting. i wish fundamentals were getting clipped a bit more, is one thing, there's this very weird clean quality around the sound which is maybe beneficial in some way.

i think maybe i'm getting to a point with music where i could make a list of things i like the sound of and wouldn't mess with, and also see how many tracks i actually have. some stuff i listen to now and am pretty alright with cutting. which makes me wonder about writing more grindcore stuff to replace those other things. writing always makes me excited however it leads to some issues, even beyond having to record through the amp which i think i could do kind of quickly now if i really made myself, and if i wrote things quickly enough. if i just use my guitar as reference through the chain i can play like, a regularly hit chord in the song or a couple of them and try and tune the pedals around getting that to be as satisfying as possible, and then run the laptop through that and adjust a little more. but it's also how much of a pain writing can be. it's hard when the cpu is just hitting 100 all the time, because i need to run lots of fx on these things and clipping can be a rather expensive effect in terms of cpu usage. i think some recent stuff is pretty simple in terms of chain though, so maybe i could just try and write with those and make it better with time. i am actually eager to do that, as i think about it, some things i now have should make that significantly easier / more interesting.

today has mostly been like that, i didn't read very much today and do not have the energy to transcribe tonight, i need to go sleep now, basically. i cooked, which was nice. it's fun when cooking is fun, it's normally kind of fun, but today things were more pleasing to do, even if just simple things.

but i need to sleep now,

so,

where the exciting part was my gf and i going to get fried chicken, at bojangles. it was good fried chicken. there's some left because it's kind of too much, which is kind of good in itself, if we stretch it a little. tomorrow she's going grocery shopping and i am unsure if i should go or not. she says it's not really worth it because the weather lately can mess me up and i want to limit how bad my allergy stuff gets. it's been so constantly windy. seems like every time i step out of the apartment it's rather bad. here is how i looked today:

lazy outfit because we're just walking up the street and i wanted coverage from the sun to some extent, on my arms a bit.

like most days lately, though, unproductive mostly. but walking towards sunset today was nice enough to make me happy, especially the way home, and probably that i got a milkshake which is something i'd been craving for a while now. i am more content than is typical, today. or i feel like the not doing too much is okay. maybe it's also because of an acceptance letter for one of the stories i'd submitted a while ago. but this also comes along and makes me think of the other pieces of writing i need to be working on. it's a nice thing, though, i expected i had just been totally forgotten but it seems like in a few months something will be moving forward. maybe even editorial notes between now and then that'll improve it, it's nice to have eyes on things. there were some on this one in the past which got it to the state i sent it out in, i think maybe actually between that and the submission there was another period of work on it. either way, this alleviates some terror regarding my writing. though the thought of people seeing any of it, when it ceases to be an impossible feeling event, is frightening. showing my friends, notifying others, seeing them react to it. people tend to be nice, which is just awful sometimes, because i sometimes struggle to trust anybody about what they say to me about what they think of things i've done. like i'm being treated kindly because i've been pounding my head into a wall too much or something. but why would anyone really pity me. a lot of my online friends, outside of a few, i don't think they really have any cause in the first place, and the others aren't really the type to pity. i don't know.

i listened to a couple eps today:

both of her feline's return eps, they're really good. also each of these mvs is really good and i suspect the videos for the other tracks which have them are also pretty good. this just showed up for me from someone i know posting the video for on ur time and i thought it seemed interesting, so i ended up listening to the 2nd of the 2 eps first, which seems fine. i don't really have a preference between them, all the songs are very good between them.

though maybe this is the best, and it is on the 2nd:

some really insane production stuff, like this 808 run down, it's so crisp and perfect, and the synth bass stuff prior is so excellent too. vocals too, i dunno, it's kind of perfect stuff. the production in on ur time is also shocking in places too, the rhythm feels very grime / grime when it had some relation to uk garage especially, and maybe that's just 2-step-y-ness or something, it's been a while since i've really dove into any grime but it seems closer to that kind of drum programming to me. this being done with r&b can't be new, a bunch of people must have done it, but i've not really heard it. it's really perfectly put together though. it's not all dancey, across the eps, she's really comfortable with her voice, some slower things, either in a more sensual direction or something more longing. there's really no moment that feels off. i think an album is happening soon, from her, which is pretty exciting, it'll probably be mostly, if not entirely, perfect pop music.

more perfect pop music (ha ha) listened to a bunch of brave little abacus today, too. i decided i had to redownload their stuff after seeing another akira / tbla amv:

this one's really good and made me cry for some reason. it's far from me now but reading akira, and then watching it a couple times, it was really impactful to me, when i was a teenager. i can't explain why particularly well, a lot of tetsuo's body horror stuff in particular felt like an especially good summation of what having a body feels like. much of the horror and excess in the work, it's extremely affecting, i guess. i don't know how i'd feel about it all now. i think i may appreciate the film more, as at the time i liked it a bit less than the manga, both also have the benefit of, for better and worse, being a couple of the coolest looking things ever. the way they kind of inform everything after them frustrates me, to an extent, because it kind of wipes away the part where tetsuo's mechanical arm turns into this fucked up flesh thing, that animation in particular, i dunno, anything to do with the flesh becoming uncanny and unrecognizable instantly excites me, i feel like it's not really a common thing to see it so viscerally captured. but the amv and the song/songs (as there are 2 on that record that sample the film) also articulate that feeling / surrounding feelings. i've talked at length about this all pretty recently but it's funny to get this video showing up in my recs. the way the editor also filters in more samples from the movie is pretty good, i think, as well as the description they wrote. i do kind of want to see it again. i have no idea about reading it again though. too many things to read. both in terms of literature stuff and then manga i wanna read.

thinking about akira and body horror also draws my mind to eva and similar topics. both touched me in similar ways at the time, or maybe eoe especially. i was obsessed with the mass produced eva for a time.

i also doodled today, here is that, mostly drawn listening to map of the stars:

as in i had the song looping, not like i drew it all in 3 minutes.

i feel like i should let myself be sloppier, drawing this was fun and i feel like it came out textured in a way which is pleasing to look at, even if unclear. the lack of clarity might even be doing something, i don't know. i do find the way i had myself doing likes, little strokes around more established shapes and erasing and redoing and erasing that, filling things in or leaving them eroded, it felt much more like building something out, rather than trying and failing and trying and failing. it's a kind of approach to the notion of the line that satisfies me regarding some kind of thought. i think maybe i am just especially happy about the tree on the left came out.

i should try to work on something like this with a more drawn out face / head thing, like i tend to do. the azpainter thing has been kind of a success though, in terms of making me do things and make me do the kinds of things i'd like to be doing with drawings, even if less ambitious.

i wanna go sleep now, hopefully tomorrow i write more + transcribe + read, but now i just want to sleep

so,

i haven't done very much and will not go on to do much, from now, as it's around the time i should be sleeping. i have read but not an excess, really, but at least i did read, before sleeping too.

i had a positive experience listening to my own music today, which is in itself a good thing, a lyric idea came to me, things accrue in that way. maybe enough words will accrue that when time comes to write lyrics for certain songs there will be fragments waiting for me. there ought to be, with how much already seems to be there in my lyrics document.

today my gf went out to a thing with her friends which left me alone at home, and it was a bit too late to record anything although nothing is so pressing currently that i feel i must do so. i did have an inclination to try and play real guitar to some drums but i decided against it. perhaps it would have been cool but i dunno. it's too easy to get frustrated with that and myself and feel myself to be an awful player. i was playing guitar quite a bit today, though. but i am kind of playing around with it every day. i need to cut my nails for easy fingering, however it's still fun. just that certain chord shapes are a bit harder. or weirder shapes in particular, that becomes harder. but i was left to the home, i decided to play marathon for a while. mostly didn't do very well today in the game, which would be fine i think except i decided that since she was out i would try to do more of the trios stuff with random people, and they're usually nice enough or just quiet but sometimes they get really mad at you and begin calling you all kinds of things. it's been a while since i'd been really admonished for missing shots after a guy dies to some other guy, it took me by surprise and kind of depressed me. i'm not entirely sure why, other than having to once again realize how annoying the vast majority of the video game playing public are. i'm just not sure why anyone would ever be that mad at something inside the computer like that. while playing, between games i was reading some of the julia kristeva reader, since my gf now has that physically and it's nice to actually have it in front of my eyes to read. the intro section at least is a good enough thing to read between matches as it's not so much about immersion of any kind. neither is the baudelaire stuff thus far but i have elected that to be the main thing i am reading, i suppose. i should try to ping pong between that and against nature / a rebours, tonight i also read more of baudelaire's late fragments, thus far, not many late fragments, but more interesting analysis and explication of what he was reading around the time of his writing the first 3 fragmentary sections / works this book will be presenting to us, the readers. no quotings, i think i may do that tomorrow, though.

maybe now i will work on one song briefly.

i think that sounds better now.

when my gf got home, she seemed pretty tired from being out all day, and not that she was out with our coke friend who also inserted himself into her family enough to cause some issues for her, but they and he and all the kind of aimless telling my gf how to live seems to have gotten to her. and her kpop friends. she was with her other friends but all this came up to her i think because of the way people offer her advice and how she takes people needling her over her future. no one knows how to really speak about it respectfully, or how to accept that she's made the decisions she's made. she also talked about how her family's way of telling her she could have 'any man she wanted,' really gets to her, it would anybody but to some extent they are all so cartoonish and stupid it's hard to take them seriously, until it becomes too serious or too sustained. in general, it doesn't phase her because they're all so stupid to her. but the way it has now been said to our coke friend and all that reopens those wounds and all the things her mom would say to her, her mom's stupid attempts to get her to go have sex with some rich guy to have a set life by saying 'well i sucked a lot of cock to keep a roof over your head!' because she herself wants to be set in some way, taken care of by her children. she won't get that, though. it's her brother and stepfather too, of course, who say things of a similar nature and are perhaps less intimately vulgar, how could i forget that her mother also told her to 'put down a puppy pad,' and get to work on onlyfans (or that her mother thought that she, herself, the mother, the old woman herself, would begin a foot fetish onlyfans account where she put peanut butter on her feet and had her dog lick it off), though her stepfather and brother each have their own complications with the 'she could have any man,' thing, or anything about how she needs to conduct her life, conduct her career as if she's stupidly doing nothing, but it's all of this, it came out in a kind of rare frustration. i was just touched by her frustration and her ability to carry on through all of this kind of nonsense and misogyny is something i admire her for deeply. it also makes me wonder at times if she is collected to the point that it prevents her from letting it out. it seemed good for her, to let it out in this way. i hope she feels better about all of this. hopefully we go a while without seeing any of these other people. i suppose her mother we can't go without seeing, but her stepfather is basically somebody we never see. it kind of levels out i guess, in an average between all these people.

i should probably go sleep now,

so,