hospitalterrorizer

i have washed my face, etc. today i was kind of a loser like yesterday, less minimally active though, i drew and did music a bit, the drawing is me just kind of trying to figure out lines. inching forwards. i am slowly trying to regain the feeling i get of being satisfied by the things i do, i think. or the absence is why i'm just doing things that i would, in the past, not even end up finding time to do because i get obsessively caught up in other things. but wasting time might be good for me. not that anything i do isn't a waste. but there's gradations of waste inside my wasteful existence. or maybe it's that i can play at the not-waste of others by trying to be active in the ways i tend towards, even if these will only ever result in their own waste. whatever, though. i am trying to get back to being able to be happy with things. it's very hard, when it goes, and i don't know if i'm meant to wait for it to come back or if i ought to keep trucking away. i do think i'm right to be less intense about it, for now, at least. i felt very stupid about it in the morning though and my gf told me that it's fine to have days where you don't do anything, even weeks. i just don't want to not do things. i want to be able to feel some kind of progress, not just the endless shifting of some music stuff.

today at least felt like progress on music, though. the other guitar tracks i did i think sound really good, and after recording my friend's band the other day and having minimal room to work on any individual sound, and having to print to a mono recording, i though maybe just remaining simple, as i had there, would be good, so with rather minimal processing, single tracks instead of the usual tripling up i do in l/r channels, and i think that sounds very good. i don't think it's so good this has to be how i do everything but maybe what i need to try is with problem songs, let them be just the closer mic of the amp, and avoid the other ones. it's at least rather direct sounding. there's some stuff that's not great or perfect but that's always the case.

my friend exported the band recordings, and i got to listen to those today. may still try and ask for wavs / mp3s, but on these headphones i hear more issues and things i wish i could fix straightaway but can't, need them in a room and to be rolling and to be doing xyz and everything else.

also, can't believe how weak the 4th was here, no one seems interested or invested and fireworks were all weak halfhearted, etc, everything was like that. you'd forget between little pops and remember and forget again and they all stopped now, i'm only remembering by remembering that little rhythm of memory / forgetting, which plays out strangely in the throes of tiredness.

also, found that opening and looking at ableton is one of the things which seems to trigger my weird eye thing. i wonder if it's psychosomatic or what, then, if it's a stress response, and if i just need to have better / nicer / simpler interactions with making music right now.

god, i am drowsy, i just need to go sleep now,

so,

was sort of lazy today. probably okay, after what feels like a lot yesterday, i cooked and stuff and that was about it, really, in terms of doing things that are better than nothing. i would say playing games can be worse than nothing sometimes but i don't think i did that so long today, i just tried to get better times in vholume, which is a game i am still loving basically but there's some clear seams and it's a demo i'm sure they're going to fix some stuff with the movement but there's weird things that feel like glitches to me, occasional jumps where you get magnetized to surfaces, sudden loss of momentum, the slide can become a brake extremely quickly and without much warning, i wish there were a tell before that happened that allowed one to at least pull off ctrl and keep some of the speed built during the slide bunnyhopping you're encouraged to do for speed. which is fun. but it makes me think that i dunno, there's obviously ways to play the game that aren't about times. i wish they were more encouraged, though. i love the environments in a very total way, i like running around and looking at them, i like getting onto buildings. the act of doing some movements can make one feel very beautiful, the game itself is frequently beautiful. but there's a disconnect between why i would explore an environment and what the game's focused on, i can't blame the thing itself for that but it's an interesting difference in perspective it suggests. it's very much a game-forward thing, and maybe it's that there's a kind of dryness in its aesthetic aims, which makes the environment work incredible, to me, but sometimes the stuff that's almost sculptural around the levels, i would say the characters are in that territory, more than being characters or figures of any kind they're almost in the zone of gargoyles on churches, the game being so oriented around architecture that everything is subordinated to these structures, i like the thing one says to you about visiting a city, but they're not something i am immediately drawn to, the way i am drawn to the other things, this dissonance of affection makes the thing not work less, but it's like, one thing feels sort of closed off. there's this kind of aesthetic perfection within the thing but the exploratory parts do fail to connect over some sense of taste but also maybe a lack of density, which is an obscene thing to want maybe, from what seems like very few developers. i guess the gold standard for games you walk around and explore in is yn for me, still, other fangames can be about as good too. the struggle between speed and the silent moments of vholume are an essential piece of the thing, i sort of wish maybe then, that there were points where that was enforced. this would require a redesign of things which is not how the thing works at all, and it's maybe better for not working that way, but another reference in the game's look feels like ico, i wonder about those parts in ico where you sit around on the bench to save. things as simple as that. i'm kind of tired, though, i think i'm just talking nonsense.

i also downloaded pso blue burst, the ephinea launcher stuff, to try that out, i did that for around an hour and had fun. it's strange how little there is to say about the game, i wonder if there's missing context to some things anywhere, if there's missing scenes or something. all i really know is i find the game very pretty.

exhausted and want to sleep now. made myself pick up the (tablet) pencil though and do something that's basically just practice but that's something. maybe.

have to sleep, feel stupid lately, getting myself to be too tired to say more than the fact that i am tired at the end of each day, maybe i am saying more, but it never feels like enough, which leaves me reticent, it's an unfortunate cycle, i can be rather avoidant about things.

so,

not that i am upset or cared especially, i need to emphasize this because otherwise it makes me sound like i'm very concerned about this object. not that i'd dislike it but, you know, it'd be kind of fun to recline and play like pikmin. i could play pikmin sitting on the floor. but i do most things sitting on the floor. the reason he's not gonna give us that thing is because he is convinced that, i think it was 3 years ago, during our trip to chicago we met up with a group of "chinese trannies" (his words), and began planning out charlie kirk's assassination and participated in that scheme to some extent, and that my gf's conferences are all antifa cell congregations. of course my first words upon hearing this were, well how much of this is a bit, it must be a bit, you know. but she repeated that it was not a bit, and he has said in the past to her mother that her trips are antifa meetings. her mom was telling her all this and that he's been trying to convince her that this is the case, of course she doesn't but it's just crazy. he's also obsessively showing her jewish conspiracy videos on tik tok all day as well. so his awful loveless relationship / not breaking up but basically broken up but not but yes but no no but yes yes no, no, no, maybe, no, with the 19 year old, who he 'loves' because she is racist, but this situation seems to be driving him insane. he's really bonkers now.

but my gf was out with her mom a while, grocery shopping, came back and put that away and then left again to go meet up with a guy for a tik tok interview and then go out with friends. i stayed home and was recording music and playing guitar, kinda loud but i have to have fun sometimes. i think that probably turned out cool, i hope, i'll find out. i think the problem song is probably gonna be okay. i hope. maybe.

i did that a while, and then my friend was like, i'm gonna come get you, i was like okay, and he came to get me, here is how i looked:

but we went to his place, did some collecting of things and organizing, i cleaned off his mackey mixer because it was so dirty!! i talked with his gf about her work and how cosplay night went, and she said it went very well and her boss is impressed, and that her boss is also gonna do something kind of crazy and stupid, as bosses will do. the event going well seems very good though, they gave her a nicer schedule that's more open and stuff. she also came with us to practice, but my friend left his charger at home and had her go and get it. which kind of sucks but they're both a bit disorganized. she was building little figures on the bed, also, she showed me the new robot girl she's making. we also talked about how some of the cis women in our lives, mostly her boss, are like as crazy as the men, at times, like similar kinds of perversity, which isn't crazy but her boss is very very funny. going 'nya nya' about some cosplayers... but she is a sad and kind of person it seems like and like, it kind of makes my friend warm up to her more despite the shitty stuff she can do, it's a weirdly complicated thing they have at that place. it's hard to not be invested in all them. or that her boss got her friend into an mlm scheme or got her to buy a month of supplements / vitamins from her other friend who is in that scheme. it is like an anime.

but the recording. i'd say we got like 60% there to something kind of exciting. the drums really push it over the edge for me, i'm gonna be honest and say i am proud of what i got from the drums but i know it's for sure our friend's playing and then the space the room gave us and the way it sounds. it sounds good in there. bass sounds good but i think i could probably have the bassist do some more treble. or high mids. i dunno if high mids would be good that's where the guitar goes. but i want some clank. the low mids / lows are punchy though, that's pretty nice. very physical sounding. the bass came through absurdly clear which is frustrating because it's hard to get it quieter, and if it's quiet and then lowered too much, it's basically going to drop out significantly. the drums did have an issue with the cymbals being crazy but what can you do. we ended up with 4 mics, which is pretty nice. the two for bass and drums sounded good, we stuck a vocal mic onto the snare and i think that did rather good for us, for what we're working with. the drums were really really clear and you could hear the room and the snare was kind of evil sounding. the kshhshshshshsh of the cymbals also had a kind of evil and good quality. the configuration was that we had a mic hanging from the stand on axis with the kick i'd say about 1.5 feet away, then the snare mic was between the hihats and by the kick as well and pointed kind of over the snare so it's kind of aimed at the back wall almost, and maybe i'd ameliorate that but maybe that's a good sound? it's certainly something and mixed in with that roomier mic, which should be dangled a bit away from the crashes / rides, but still kinda close, i want that high end and that articulation is very important for the music to sound good. bass was dangled maybe 2 feet away? something like that, and i think next time we're gonna be going through a different speak cab probably but if we're back through the ampeg stack we're going to want to be at a nice median between all the cones to where they sum, somewhere in the center, which is about where i had it. we had to duct tape the xlr cable so that way it wouldn't drift/turn as much. drums bass were akg p120, drums also had like, the shure sm58 or something alike, which we got from the practice space. we had to dangle because we didn't have all the right clips for mics, we also found that the clip my friend did have did not sit right on their stands. the next investments i think should be mic stands, another mic maybe, more xlr cables. these are the big things to look into and i think we could conceivably get a really good sound out of just going through a mixer, i do like the mackey's sound, and have that just all in a single track in ableton, recorded straight, few options for fiddling, and just try to nail that as best we can.

guitar we had the sennheiser e609 on, about 1.5 feet away ultimately, and i can't tell if it should be closer or what. i don't think so. 2 feet should be okay i just kind of need to turn it up, but he jumps in volume quite a bit. we had it positioned between the 2 cones to where they signal of the two sums. hopefully, at least. he's got a roland jazz chorus amp. basically my main issue was isolation and hearing the input into the mixer. it was very hard to get that straight, and i felt like the bass was kind of overpowering at times, and if all things are too loud you get everything kind of creating weird flabby sounds in the saturation. even if that's interesting to me it's probably not how they want to be presented. so i decided drums being loudest is like the big thing. guitar ended up a bit far and a bit kind of washed away. it was there, though, it being there meant in post i could kind of pull it out with some eq and saturation stuff and i'm also really happy with what i did there.

it was a nice time. i kind of want to post some bits from that whenever my friend sends it, and show it to people. it's the first time i've done anything like that, do the recording engineering stuff for a band and then attempt to get it closer to how it sounded in the room, and capture the room as best as possible with the materials available. i don't know if i succeeded but i think i'm just elated i got to try. i think they more or less find it exciting but i know the drummer's frustrated by the cymbal presence but i think they sound good. i dunno. that's kind of helpful to have, without it the drums would be kind of distant feeling i think. the brightness really helps.

another thing that helps is how the mackey sounds when you overload it a bit, and kind of distort. it just glues stuff together if done right, i think i approached doing it right. but i dunno how good i did it. we'll try again, maybe even soon, and hopefully that'll be smoother and cooler.

hopefully my friends remain positive about it. they did say that generally studio people try and get them set to a click, have them punch in stuff like feedback or effect sounds, that kind of thing.

i listened to my guitar stuff just now, + reamp stuff, the guitar stuff kind of sounds better than usual from me, my playing, at least. that's something to be happy about. and i think the synth guitar stuff sounds pretty satisfying raw. maybe that's enough, maybe i just put it in more raw and less fiddled with. that could work. it sounding good solo doesn't necessarily mean anything.

here's one funny thing that happened to me, on the way to the practice space, we pulled into a gas station because my friends like to drink while practicing and he asked if i wanted anything, i got sour gummy bears, i also took these photos:

i feel like the vulgarity of the american flag bang required such an image. we also came in right as the guy was starting to mop and he told us no matter what, any time you pull out the mop is when people show up. more people came in behind us. his disappointment seemed cosmic and scarcely directed at us. our other friend got herself sour gummy worms. they were also good. i think the haribo sour bears are difficult to beat though. at one point while driving, after the station, one of the guitars fell into me and i had to move to stop it, and the made the gummy bears kind of spray out of the bag, tragically, and also spread sour dust all over but not in a terribly messy way. it was easy enough to clean when we got there. it was funny seeing them kind of fly through the dim vehicle, though, and throw one out into the crumbling parking of the practice space.

here is a photo from the practice space:

the whole atmosphere is kind of captured in this guy's presence. it feels like the space sort of exists to service an ideal customer which is a guy who sees himself like that.

now it is way way way too late. my friend had to sleep, as did the other, i was at least able to do some mastering stuff to draw out the guitar where it wasn't as present and now it all feels kind of fully glued together. to me, at least. these are not the perfect takes, though, so it makes me feel good about going back and doing more of these tries. maybe next time i'll be perfect and good. i think i could swing it with this equipment, at least the expensive stuff. stands are also stupid but we need those and more stability and flexibility in how i can move things would be rather nice.

but i need to sleep. i don't like seeing the sun out.

so,