hospitalterrorizer

where the exciting part was my gf and i going to get fried chicken, at bojangles. it was good fried chicken. there's some left because it's kind of too much, which is kind of good in itself, if we stretch it a little. tomorrow she's going grocery shopping and i am unsure if i should go or not. she says it's not really worth it because the weather lately can mess me up and i want to limit how bad my allergy stuff gets. it's been so constantly windy. seems like every time i step out of the apartment it's rather bad. here is how i looked today:

lazy outfit because we're just walking up the street and i wanted coverage from the sun to some extent, on my arms a bit.

like most days lately, though, unproductive mostly. but walking towards sunset today was nice enough to make me happy, especially the way home, and probably that i got a milkshake which is something i'd been craving for a while now. i am more content than is typical, today. or i feel like the not doing too much is okay. maybe it's also because of an acceptance letter for one of the stories i'd submitted a while ago. but this also comes along and makes me think of the other pieces of writing i need to be working on. it's a nice thing, though, i expected i had just been totally forgotten but it seems like in a few months something will be moving forward. maybe even editorial notes between now and then that'll improve it, it's nice to have eyes on things. there were some on this one in the past which got it to the state i sent it out in, i think maybe actually between that and the submission there was another period of work on it. either way, this alleviates some terror regarding my writing. though the thought of people seeing any of it, when it ceases to be an impossible feeling event, is frightening. showing my friends, notifying others, seeing them react to it. people tend to be nice, which is just awful sometimes, because i sometimes struggle to trust anybody about what they say to me about what they think of things i've done. like i'm being treated kindly because i've been pounding my head into a wall too much or something. but why would anyone really pity me. a lot of my online friends, outside of a few, i don't think they really have any cause in the first place, and the others aren't really the type to pity. i don't know.

i listened to a couple eps today:

both of her feline's return eps, they're really good. also each of these mvs is really good and i suspect the videos for the other tracks which have them are also pretty good. this just showed up for me from someone i know posting the video for on ur time and i thought it seemed interesting, so i ended up listening to the 2nd of the 2 eps first, which seems fine. i don't really have a preference between them, all the songs are very good between them.

though maybe this is the best, and it is on the 2nd:

some really insane production stuff, like this 808 run down, it's so crisp and perfect, and the synth bass stuff prior is so excellent too. vocals too, i dunno, it's kind of perfect stuff. the production in on ur time is also shocking in places too, the rhythm feels very grime / grime when it had some relation to uk garage especially, and maybe that's just 2-step-y-ness or something, it's been a while since i've really dove into any grime but it seems closer to that kind of drum programming to me. this being done with r&b can't be new, a bunch of people must have done it, but i've not really heard it. it's really perfectly put together though. it's not all dancey, across the eps, she's really comfortable with her voice, some slower things, either in a more sensual direction or something more longing. there's really no moment that feels off. i think an album is happening soon, from her, which is pretty exciting, it'll probably be mostly, if not entirely, perfect pop music.

more perfect pop music (ha ha) listened to a bunch of brave little abacus today, too. i decided i had to redownload their stuff after seeing another akira / tbla amv:

this one's really good and made me cry for some reason. it's far from me now but reading akira, and then watching it a couple times, it was really impactful to me, when i was a teenager. i can't explain why particularly well, a lot of tetsuo's body horror stuff in particular felt like an especially good summation of what having a body feels like. much of the horror and excess in the work, it's extremely affecting, i guess. i don't know how i'd feel about it all now. i think i may appreciate the film more, as at the time i liked it a bit less than the manga, both also have the benefit of, for better and worse, being a couple of the coolest looking things ever. the way they kind of inform everything after them frustrates me, to an extent, because it kind of wipes away the part where tetsuo's mechanical arm turns into this fucked up flesh thing, that animation in particular, i dunno, anything to do with the flesh becoming uncanny and unrecognizable instantly excites me, i feel like it's not really a common thing to see it so viscerally captured. but the amv and the song/songs (as there are 2 on that record that sample the film) also articulate that feeling / surrounding feelings. i've talked at length about this all pretty recently but it's funny to get this video showing up in my recs. the way the editor also filters in more samples from the movie is pretty good, i think, as well as the description they wrote. i do kind of want to see it again. i have no idea about reading it again though. too many things to read. both in terms of literature stuff and then manga i wanna read.

thinking about akira and body horror also draws my mind to eva and similar topics. both touched me in similar ways at the time, or maybe eoe especially. i was obsessed with the mass produced eva for a time.

i also doodled today, here is that, mostly drawn listening to map of the stars:

as in i had the song looping, not like i drew it all in 3 minutes.

i feel like i should let myself be sloppier, drawing this was fun and i feel like it came out textured in a way which is pleasing to look at, even if unclear. the lack of clarity might even be doing something, i don't know. i do find the way i had myself doing likes, little strokes around more established shapes and erasing and redoing and erasing that, filling things in or leaving them eroded, it felt much more like building something out, rather than trying and failing and trying and failing. it's a kind of approach to the notion of the line that satisfies me regarding some kind of thought. i think maybe i am just especially happy about the tree on the left came out.

i should try to work on something like this with a more drawn out face / head thing, like i tend to do. the azpainter thing has been kind of a success though, in terms of making me do things and make me do the kinds of things i'd like to be doing with drawings, even if less ambitious.

i wanna go sleep now, hopefully tomorrow i write more + transcribe + read, but now i just want to sleep

so,

i haven't done very much and will not go on to do much, from now, as it's around the time i should be sleeping. i have read but not an excess, really, but at least i did read, before sleeping too.

i had a positive experience listening to my own music today, which is in itself a good thing, a lyric idea came to me, things accrue in that way. maybe enough words will accrue that when time comes to write lyrics for certain songs there will be fragments waiting for me. there ought to be, with how much already seems to be there in my lyrics document.

today my gf went out to a thing with her friends which left me alone at home, and it was a bit too late to record anything although nothing is so pressing currently that i feel i must do so. i did have an inclination to try and play real guitar to some drums but i decided against it. perhaps it would have been cool but i dunno. it's too easy to get frustrated with that and myself and feel myself to be an awful player. i was playing guitar quite a bit today, though. but i am kind of playing around with it every day. i need to cut my nails for easy fingering, however it's still fun. just that certain chord shapes are a bit harder. or weirder shapes in particular, that becomes harder. but i was left to the home, i decided to play marathon for a while. mostly didn't do very well today in the game, which would be fine i think except i decided that since she was out i would try to do more of the trios stuff with random people, and they're usually nice enough or just quiet but sometimes they get really mad at you and begin calling you all kinds of things. it's been a while since i'd been really admonished for missing shots after a guy dies to some other guy, it took me by surprise and kind of depressed me. i'm not entirely sure why, other than having to once again realize how annoying the vast majority of the video game playing public are. i'm just not sure why anyone would ever be that mad at something inside the computer like that. while playing, between games i was reading some of the julia kristeva reader, since my gf now has that physically and it's nice to actually have it in front of my eyes to read. the intro section at least is a good enough thing to read between matches as it's not so much about immersion of any kind. neither is the baudelaire stuff thus far but i have elected that to be the main thing i am reading, i suppose. i should try to ping pong between that and against nature / a rebours, tonight i also read more of baudelaire's late fragments, thus far, not many late fragments, but more interesting analysis and explication of what he was reading around the time of his writing the first 3 fragmentary sections / works this book will be presenting to us, the readers. no quotings, i think i may do that tomorrow, though.

maybe now i will work on one song briefly.

i think that sounds better now.

when my gf got home, she seemed pretty tired from being out all day, and not that she was out with our coke friend who also inserted himself into her family enough to cause some issues for her, but they and he and all the kind of aimless telling my gf how to live seems to have gotten to her. and her kpop friends. she was with her other friends but all this came up to her i think because of the way people offer her advice and how she takes people needling her over her future. no one knows how to really speak about it respectfully, or how to accept that she's made the decisions she's made. she also talked about how her family's way of telling her she could have 'any man she wanted,' really gets to her, it would anybody but to some extent they are all so cartoonish and stupid it's hard to take them seriously, until it becomes too serious or too sustained. in general, it doesn't phase her because they're all so stupid to her. but the way it has now been said to our coke friend and all that reopens those wounds and all the things her mom would say to her, her mom's stupid attempts to get her to go have sex with some rich guy to have a set life by saying 'well i sucked a lot of cock to keep a roof over your head!' because she herself wants to be set in some way, taken care of by her children. she won't get that, though. it's her brother and stepfather too, of course, who say things of a similar nature and are perhaps less intimately vulgar, how could i forget that her mother also told her to 'put down a puppy pad,' and get to work on onlyfans (or that her mother thought that she, herself, the mother, the old woman herself, would begin a foot fetish onlyfans account where she put peanut butter on her feet and had her dog lick it off), though her stepfather and brother each have their own complications with the 'she could have any man,' thing, or anything about how she needs to conduct her life, conduct her career as if she's stupidly doing nothing, but it's all of this, it came out in a kind of rare frustration. i was just touched by her frustration and her ability to carry on through all of this kind of nonsense and misogyny is something i admire her for deeply. it also makes me wonder at times if she is collected to the point that it prevents her from letting it out. it seemed good for her, to let it out in this way. i hope she feels better about all of this. hopefully we go a while without seeing any of these other people. i suppose her mother we can't go without seeing, but her stepfather is basically somebody we never see. it kind of levels out i guess, in an average between all these people.

i should probably go sleep now,

so,

today i have forced myself to write, roughly. i had ideas or some proceeding of events which i saw very clearly, and then later in the day, a discussion i saw unfolding made me return to that, and despite a bit of trepidation at the thought of having to unfold these ideas, i did so, and wrote some notes which are still difficult for me to pass through, as ideas. or hard to work out, i feel i am missing something within myself. i need to figure out how to sufficiently risk myself in the thought, i think, and then see what is there. i feel i am both moving towards something but not with the right perspective, or it's a gestating perspective. but the writing i think was good. i now need to try and produce more middle matter and then the end proper. and flesh what was written out. but the guiding and difficult thoughts of today feel useful for guiding me.

i have made myself write more notes, thinking about it. useful, at least.

i also worked on music some, i think one thing sounds much better and another sounds good but is maybe missing a little low end in the guitars now, but not too much can be put back!! there's a nice balance but it could be nicer, i think. it's kind of horribly loud but in a cool way. i think maybe i just need to let things be horribly loud so long as there's a balance between things. largely this means distinct elements are audible. satisfying is a subjective quality. maybe i should try harder to forget prior criteria. unsure. any time ground is gained on things i swiftly lose any faith in myself.

have not read, though i meant to make myself do so. i got caught up in some other things and also my gf began telling me about this crazy thing that happened, people inside the computer stuff and it's all rather grim and sort of perverse to ever hear anything about. i wonder if people will begin bringing this event up with some frequency though, it would be politically expedient for reactionaries, and it's going to become fodder for a particular wing of youtuber, who talk at length about various dangerous figures infesting the internet. particular identity groups who are dangerous. people eager for more and more and more true crime adjacent matter, but maybe enough remove for it to not feel like true crime precisely. and too 'real,' to solely be something lolcow-ish. closest maybe to feeling that you have joined yourself to a knowing public who could vanquish evil by knowing it alone. from this angle certain other parts of the internet make more sense, such as all those people obsessed with articulating at length and with flimsy detail which shifts, depending on who is being addressed, the behaviors and psychology of narcissists. generally, we are living in hell, is what i feel after years of sustained knowing regarding all this and all the repetitions of the same thing, i just wonder now about the proportion of it. a spiritual headache.

crazy that this demo's one of their best songs and it was never properly recorded. what's up with that. the demo sounds really awesome though. evil rock and roll, and the spidery playing of the guitar and the soloing are rather perfect, kind of an ideal aesthetics of soloing presented, to me at least. but the majority of their demo / singles comp is golden, which makes sense, their albums are all golden. they're kind of a perfect band. even the songs which i don't listen to in excess are rather excellent and hairy in immediately satisfying ways with enough coldness to make the satisfaction wrong and strange, your own odd proportion is revealed. i'm glad there's more material from them that i'd not heard.

would have liked to make myself doodle today but i have not done that either.

i think i'm managing anxiety around any eye stuff well. rather than typical running away that happens, where i think something's gonna happen at once, that it's all lost, or that i need to keep doing diagnostic tests to see what is happening to me, i haven't really done this. sometimes these things have gotten away from me in the past, panic over something that could or could not be happening to the body. at least that's not something i am struggling through at the moment. hopefully i'm not jinxing myself.

i should probably go sleep now, it would sort of push the needle back on when i've been going to bed, which would be good for me,

so,