hospitalterrorizer

it was because i hadn't gotten ready for guests and our friend had to do her makeup at our place before going to a concert, so before they got here i went in the bedroom early and just played on the (squier) jag for a little while, i had lots of fun. since my friend taught me how to do really simple blues stuff which like eluded me basically because it's so simple, i forget you can get guitar to sound very good very simply, but i like to do that kind of thing beyond reason. i should record an example of it because i think it sounds funny, it's fun to play things very wrong, when you include the 'right' thing in there briefly. but i did more than that. i got into a lock groove thing that sounded like this heat to me, and i'd do that kind of tremolo picked high note bit that's all over their stuff, that jangly thing, between this dissonant thing. i didn't write it down, but the aim is to just do stuff. sometimes writing out tabs to remember them later can feel like a drag on the improvising, and moving around rhythms as i come up with them. i think i may be getting better at that, too, which is exciting.

i watched another episode of mahoromatic:

as the series gets more serious, it gets really good (i love that shot of the ants taking away the grasshopper, such a perfect image to settle on). not like, genius, i guess, but i like that there's something happening in this episode about mahoro having been made to be innately good, pure of heart, pure of mind, etc, and that's an almost gutting thing. in being able to do the right thing always, it creates some alienation between herself and her own thoughts, she isn't sure where she stands, something small obliterated by a larger logic and tendency lodged inside of her.

i also really like her confrontation with ryuga, and that his obsession with fighting her is allowed to have this graceful quality, it's very classical and not particularly surprising but something in its handling feels a little more complicated than you'd expect. it's strange. he's a fun presence in the show, i guess for the fact he makes some things less fun, everyone has to be a little more serious about this strange angelic beautiful man who resists his own happiness, both of them equally alienated from their being, their agreeing to fight feels like it's a joining of that mutual sense of self. it's of course every other 'why did you spare me, now we must find out who is the best,' thing, it's just situated strangely, the whole war thing is so in the background that it is allowed to be very gestural, the factions involved even come off as similar, and this regular life stuff means so much more than this death drive thing, but there's a fundamental alienation from that, they can't allow themselves to get into being there, among others, being there for others, entirely. mahoro's situation is interesting, at the start it's almost as if she's grasping at a seed that negates her absolute goodness, a selfishness to have home, more time, not be the best at fighting and not have her early death, have something go on a little longer, and this is measured against service to another who can't allow her to solely be a servant. there's a lot there. ryuga's coming to terms with suguru too, accepting that he is wrong gracefully, that's such a strange move, i felt he would not. it's strange that a show so committed to sex jokes and nudity would shift to placing all that on its most perverse, annoying (funny) character.

what we see of that in this episode's really funny, maybe some of my favorite bits in the series, with shikijou's fear that suguru is now gay for ryuga, and some of the other girls fearing this as well:

it's quite funny, though. i think if it were done worse, it'd come off as incredibly homophobic. maybe it's that to some extent, what we are shown is aesthetically appealing, it's also a caricature of something and i dunno i think it's fun how it pulls in these images you'd see in older manga and so on, even the way they're drawn is something exaggerated, it's so knowing. maybe i am just drawn to how this looks, but it's a really good bit, i dunno.

time to go eat this matcha croissant my gf got me... oh she also got a yuki figure, from haruhi, for herself. it's really embarrassing but i never finished it... i need to. i just got bogged down with schoolwork and mental episodes through college so i never got to it. stupidly. i didn't have to finish college but i should have finished haruhi. she's saying i need to, now, she really really wants me to. i really really wanna. i also need to do the other seasons of aria, and then whatever other stuff i wanna do. i want to watch moeshit honestly. i should watch more stuff like milky holmes, or even rewatch that. it's been a while. i really liked that. nhk is another embarrassing one which i never finished. too crazy in college. i had a much better go of wasting time in the library reading manga. it also leans to having much more interesting writing much of the time. the other day, also, my gf got me a tommy february6 pin, which i dunno what to do with but i really wanted it when she sent it to me and i can just look at it, in my little area of things i like to look at.

i worked on music a bit today, i just tried to fix one without much anxiety about it. an odd sentence. what i mean is i just thought this new thing chris from airwindows put out, this weird tiny highpass thing, could help with how the track sounds weird to me. it did help but it's a rather subtle thing, more meaningfully i did my resonant eq dry/wet thing and got things to sound more, like, good. more gooder. it's also less bright in an awful way and i had the snare too loud so that's corrected as well. one thing i wanna change is the reverb but when i load in my reverb preset that i made it's pretty fussy and crashes. so that's not happening now. maybe i'll just hack it back together w/o the preset but that's a drag. i remember decently well what to do, it's not hard. just kind of annoying to do all that. i suppose i could simplify, though, as well, for this one.

i also just played marathon for a bit. i had a lot of good runs and then died at the end, so all the stuff i was using today was pretty much used fully, i didn't lose anything i'm torn up about. i guess i'm sad about one of the guns just because it was kind of fucked up good but that's not a big deal. i have other ones in my inventory. it's kind of sad i didn't kill that guy, he had purple shields. i feel like the late night / super early morning runs have changed. there's like very very few people around. everyone's very hidey i guess. kinda annoying, i'm trying to play riskier to get interesting things to happen. it wasn't dull at all, it's just dumb when the hour of night one is playing at, you're unlikely to run into many people, and you still run across people playing assassin who will do inscrutable things like turn invisible and throw smoke grenades down to execute you.

i listened to this album today, also:

or the one with this on it. but it's a good record. it's more consistent than i thought, and i thought it'd lean much more gun club-y like animal and tiger baby came off, but that's not entirely what's going on here. it's a weird record and this one's pretty indicative of another thing happening on the album, which is stuff that gestures at anthemic arena rock, almost. it's not quite there, which saves it from going over into something unlistenable, instead it's quite good, interesting how that thin line can be moved across at all. this song's also got a lot of noisy bits that work out to make it feel much closer to what was going on with burn piano island. but the album's much more straightforward, or i think when johnny and cody and mark were the blood brothers, there was a tendency for them to obfuscate what exactly the songs were doing, which would make them very strange things, and there's was a greater emphasis on dissonance in guitar parts. it makes sense it's less like that, it's not less punky and that dissonance definitely still here but it's a very different approach, rather than having parts that orbit some kind of chord idea and never really seem to confirm it, save for things like ambulance vs ambulance, even that's also got the octave chord stuff which dances around something stable, it's leaning on different approaches to writing. it's interesting, the garagey stuff really works out, i think the a-side is like excellent on this record. it's fun music. the b-side is probably going to grow on me but the album gets a little less hairy i think, but there's also the song with jordan, formerly of the blood brothers, and that one's grown on me significantly more. first time hearing it, it kind of blended into the record, a lot of reverbed out stuff that's not as gripping as the other stuff, but i wanted to relisten to it, because at first it was the most disappointing thing, this reunion not being as crazy as i'd like, and it certainly isn't still, but it's still kind of crazy, it is good.

the closer's like so cool, to me:

i would like it, if the band kept going, would play with what this song's doing.

also it's pretty impressive to me that johnny's really grown into the voice he has now, and that it's near enough to what he used to sound like, it's a proper maturation i think. maybe that's just a benefit of ross robinson producing and stuff but he still sounds super good.

but i'm just happy it's not a disappointment overall. there's some stuff i'm not as into here, some of the tracks that lean too anthemic aren't really gripping me, but t-hexx really makes that balance work. i'm interested to see what people make of the record, hopefully the band keeps it together, too, does more stuff. a second record could really solidify some things.

it has me thinking about the black eyes comeback record. given that their discography is thin, 3 albums including that one, it's not really strange to say it's among their best, but it may be better than their debut for me, in terms of overall quality. the debut has some songs i've spent much more time with, but the newest feels rather serious, as a piece of work. would like to hear more from them too.

i need to make myself go sleep now. i feel so weird. like i want to and don't, and something feels very wrong, i guess. i say i guess too much i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess, i guess.

it feels good to repeat something so many times over again. it feels good here, and in regular writing. it's a mechanical thing, maybe it's like making yourself breathe slow, or drawing large uneven looping wiry things in pen on notepads, though that is mostly for children. when you become an adult you want to waste ink less. probably as a teenager, really. i did submit some writing somewhere today. it was something written from the seed of a kind of joke i make to my gf, it's rather obscene and i can't situate it correctly if it's not said to her. this makes it interesting to turn into a piece of writing. the aim is something kind of evil. it's also something impossible. i want the thing it does to happen in flashes, it is at best to work as a kind of lightning striking aimlessly. this is all i can do. i should try that more.

i doubt i will be accepted to minor literatures. but i would like to. i like the name of the publication quite a lot, at least.

looking back at today, it has the character of being 3 entirely different days, it feels as if i was alive across time and scarcely present for it, a greater span of time than 24 hours. but i know it was only a day, which makes it seem full, but it's something like cotton, i don't know, i can't tell, i feel strange suddenly and it must be the lack of sleep and the continuing not to sleep and the anxiety i have that when i try to sleep i won't be able to and that the next however long is going to be me trying to fix my sleep and i want to give up before trying, i want to wash my hands of caring, i want to be done with myself, suddenly. i'm being hysterical, i'm (etcetcetc). i can't tell where the discomfort is actually coming from. i feel smothered in something like fog. i am okay, honestly, i think i am basically happy except this, and i think today made me happy, and i think i will be happy tomorrow, and i'm being hysterical because i'm tired, and i now feel like i'm caught in a trap i made for myself, is all, and something about it is kind of funny.

i felt a wave of nausea, i feel a wave of exhaustion, i feel sore, i feel like sleeping and i don't feel tired. i feel vaguely on fire. i'm going to make myself go sleep. i think i'm kind of delirious. i should have slept when it was dark out. i miss sleeping when it was dark out already. it would be nice if i weren't literally stupid.

so,

i did like everything i wanted to... i recorded, i played marathon, i was ready at an okay time, woke up at an okay-ish time... it was really good!! i also recorded more feedback noise stuff, with my multi fx pedal running into and out of itself, i decided to try and use my chorus pedal on it, which didn't have the effect i wanted, exactly, but it was interesting, and it added a lot of volume so that is probably interesting enough. the sounds feel very much like the kind of thing i've wanted to get, this kind of early analog computing, early sound art synth stuff, even, clicking and high tones, radio noises, some circuit based math. i want to get that sort of thing as an interstitial piece between songs, especially since today i just used the laptop mic to record, there's something very interesting about how that sounds. i wish i had a more complicated and delicate mode of linking all this. maybe that i'm running it through clipping is the issue? i'd like it if more of the guitar itself could come through. it kind of gets reduced via whatever's going on to being a pulse control, which means i can still play it, it becomes a rhythmic thing, which is interesting, but i'd like it if i could affect the pitches and tones a little more. i can but it's an entirely different way of 'playing' where i am instead pointing the body at the ceiling, turning it all around, back and forth, getting the frequencies to like, bounce off the walls to get some different feedbacking to occur, until a very loud and infinite drone returns. this setup i had was different in that way, it was less high pitch than the last. i wonder how much this could all change based on where the amp itself is, as well. i wonder if it were farther away, would that be enough to get some more delicate and varied sounds, would being closer do that? the high pitched squeal is a constant, and i like that, i just wonder if there's different kinds of break-ups and things like that which i'm gonna hear, these decays where it sounds like something very synthetic passing through tone rows or something, very weird and atonal.

it makes me really happy to be playing that kind of music, even if at home. i feel like if i had a little more going on, there's enough here, this is a kind of performable instrument, it's not as much delay noise, it's not that screeching every tone at once, it's more delicate and quiet which is more difficult and harsh, to some extent. absolute terror can bathe people, there's something to immerse oneself in, a thin stream of something too high, and something wrong wriggling around beneath, that is an interesting thing. it's very skinny feeling, a starved cat of sound. feline near death yowling. that blind cat in blanchot's thomas the obscure. at least a little bit. at least a tiny bit of that. yes, the merest portion of that. but i am touching something akin to that subterranean night thomas tumbled through.

it feels very good to make guitar do this. it is so wrong to make guitar do this. it is perfectly right, to make guitar do this.

i also played marathon today and was kind of good at it, i thought i'd die so much, i died like 3 times. most runs were successes, and that feels kind of monstrous. i shouldn't be able to do that. one of them was pure evil, actually. i found a guy trying to do a guarded exfil, and i was behind him, he came out of one of those orange tunnels in perimeter, i was going through that just getting to this coordinate cache thing, i saw him there, he had purple shields and a bunch of stuff. i killed him, and he was an assassin, it was kind of sad, he was so jumpscared by it he like couldn't do anything. before that i had also been managing to get the jump on people. i'm good at ambushing people, at least. straight on fights i wanna get better at but the game's pretty asymmetrical by design. one was really fun because i went to follow someone, and then heard a second person following them, and waited for them to to fight, whoever won came to where i had been hiding. i wasn't playing passively though, in general, except on some of the last runs because i was like, winding down, after the purple shields and bunch of stuff guy i was happy to end there, prior i was trying to do more getting into fights stuff, which are fun even if i lose. the game really does make you feel something crazy, something like grace and some kind of sense of a yawning infinity of nothing but 'that,' whatever 'that,' is, a landscape of torture and return. all success is weak, sometimes it makes you feel beautiful, though. and it's so pretty on its own, too. it had been a while since i felt like it gave me good stories, which maybe compelled the time away, returning it's nice to remember it's as good as it always was. there was some server stuff but that's whatever. i even got a bunch of contracts done today, that makes me very very happy too. i also finally reached vip with one of the factions as well.

today my gf went out with her kpop friends, which was interesting, from what i've heard. i won't go on about it because i didn't hear from her friend, all their turbulence. but some of it has to do with their relationship with their other friend who they'd always been fighting with, they being my gf's friend, who is going through a number of changes that make sense, but the friendship stuff remains as insane as ever, to me. it's just like, i can't imagine being friends with somebody for so long and not learning how to have a conversation with them, or going so long in life that you don't realize like, the thing where you ask someone to rate you on a scale or if you're attractive is such a bad question to ask, it's like, there's no way to get a good answer. no answer is good, for one, being asked that kind of thing puts you in the position of always being a liar, or being mean, it's always something to be negotiated. asking is like, such a test of another person, with little to do. also the fundamental awfulness of being like, that persons x/10, etc. i don't know. stupid games, stupid prizes, feelings hurt. i just end up remembering that they had to consult chatgpt to have it help them reign in their conversations with her because of their rage. and then that friend, she's also like, kooky. i guess one detail is like, they had a friendship breakup, but the breakup is never friends again, never talk again, it's that they can't hang out alone anymore, and that they'll just hang out in the friend group. which is really crazy. that makes no sense to me. it actually sounds like a great way to create insane tension and end up making everyone upset.

classique song.

up too late. stupid very stupid. i just wrote a bit though. that's good, innit. i hope so.

at times i reflect on the extent of respect lost for people who i thought were pretty like, together, i guess, and it's not like them having issues is the sole thing, not like our coke friend having drug issues is the primary thing, not like my gf's friend having trouble managing friendships is the essential thing, or anyone having a hard time, and having a hard time badly, i've been like that so often, cutting myself or whatever, or retreating from people, wanting to die, being out of it. it's something else, about these friends, like my gf's kpop friend having to consult chatgpt, not wanting to do away with a relationship entirely even if that seems like the desire, and then turning around on my gf, with all their communication issues, making her cry and feel like a villain for not asking the right question, and just like, carrying on like that's nothing. i think about some of the people i've met in the past few years in such a different light, which is painful. i know i must come off one way, with some people, and then they realize some other kind of thing about me, or whatever, or some other thing, even that can be kind of depressing, i feel bad about the thought that they might see it on my face. i don't like this loss of respect, or the draining of my patience at the thought of being around, or really being around, these people. i liked them a lot more, i guess i could again.

part of it is that it is painful to consider the friends you've made, and wonder if you've done something wrong or something. i dunno. i dunno what we did wrong really. it just makes me feel sort of crazy.

i really really really really really really need to sleep now,

so,