THE ‎ ‎ LIVING ‎ ‎ END.

— saying his tone was misleading was a gross, utterly grotesque understatement. tense times, a process that somehow felt like it simultaneously spanned the breadth of a decade and an eye blink all in itself, with theodore slumming it on a pull-out couch, had santi's hair standing on end. it was to the point where he found himself micro-analyzing each interaction between the two. why, exactly ? he wasn't sure. denial, hope - both two sides to a coin that could not stop spinning alongside turbulent thoughts. " i didn't take it. it's probably in your car. " wrong. it was in the glove pocket of his own - a lie hopefully inadmissible during their hearings. " you seriously scared the fuck out of me, theo. what happened to ' hello, good morning, have you seen my cd anywhere ' ? "

denial finally had his gaze flickering from the buttons of the blender to santiago's features , thoroughly trying to decipher whether what was said was a lie. and it sure was — well , that would be if he still knew santi just as well as before their marriage fell apart. and theo would love to think he still did. " already checked my car ──── want me to check yours ? " he challenged , result didn't really matter when just grasping at straws for reasons for them to be at odds with each other. and although their morning routines might not be as affectionate as before , theo still poured a cup of hot coffee for santiago with exact amount of cream & sugar that he liked , handing it over with feigned reluctance despite making it purposely. " it's my day off , " he said nonchalantly before a sip of green smoothie , such a workaholic that time offs usually meant that his boss was just tired of his face. " are you gonna be around ? or am i going to hopefully have the house to myself ? "

familiar waitress delivers the truth evelyn had been swallowing down with now - flat soda: that a date had left her again. feels cheeks grow red with embarrassment and irritation, and she slumps back in the chipped leather of the restaurant's booth. " of course, " she sighs, almost bitter, almost sad. " well. you know the drill at this point: i'll take the bill, and i have cash. " what was worse ? constantly being set on the worst blind dates by her friends or always having a witness to it ? starts thumbing out five dollar bills as her eyes flick up to her waitress'. " ... i need you to know that it's, like, not me. " had enough confidence to know that she was a catch, and all the boys she'd been with just ... had butter fingers, she supposed. " it's them, i swear. "

it was impossible to elude the secondhand embarrassment she felt as the other woman began to explain herself , the common denominator in all those dates was painfully obvious and yet ... nellie was still inclined to agree that it must have been all the men's fault. she wished they were somewhere else — never been big on gossip , but wouldn't mind playing her shrink for a moment or two. " i believe you . . . " she simply said , couldn't offer much without being totally unprofessional. but damn her compulsion ──── looked around to make sure her manager wasn't anywhere near before sitting across the other. " i don't mean to be unprofessional , but you're my last table for the night and i'm off in five . . . " nellie paused to catch her breath , maybe even muster some willpower to stop herself. but it didn't quite work. " and um , there's this nice dive bar down the street , it's a really good place to unwind. i don't know , i just thought you could use a friend . . . instead of the usual asshole blind dates. " it was her turn to feel embarrassed , wasn't quite sure what came over her to offer her company to a stranger. nellie stood up and winced at herself before looking at the customer almost apologetically. " but of course , only if you want to. i don't want to impose. " or tank the restaurant's yelp reviews.

— " can we not talk about it, please ? i brought you here to distract me. do your best - or your worst. whatever. i don't care at this point. "

" i don't think you really understand what you're asking . . . " it was an easy task , maybe even too easy — hair always a little windswept , following that gust of impulse wherever it would bring him. but just because he lacked restraint did not mean he couldn't be concerned about dana. " just need you to be sure ──── 'cause once the gears start turning , i don't know where it'll take us. "

"do we have to do this right now?" he did stop walking away to lean against the desk at one end of the room, "i just - didn't like how they were looking at you. can you blame me?" @horrorphase

usually wouldn't even bother to deal with such tantrums , patience always running thin — but instinct always had him following dante wherever he went. fiore never really liked the company of most people aside from a quick fuck or a mindless party , but he supposed he had grown fond of the other man. " you're fucking dumb as bricks , " he scoffed , didn't matter that he liked dante because fondness had never been enough reason to mince his words with anyone. he would rather be candid than be stupidly meandering. " don't really care 'bout how anyone looks at me ──── i mean , cool if they wanna fuck me. but i came here with you , didn't i ? so stop walking away from me. "

— " ignoring me, and yet staring at me from across the room the whole night ? you're kind of shit at avoiding me, aren't you ? i'm flattered. "

" you're seeing what you want to see , bro . . . " quick to fall into his usual methods after being caught in act ; deflect , deny , decline ! but that was easier than swallowing his pride and confessing an attraction even after being ghosted. " and i'm not even trying to avoid you. i just thought what he had was a small fleeting moment of unadulterated bliss in an otherwise cruel universe ──── " a quick pause , shoulders shrugged , always prone to vomiting words uncontrollably in uncomfortable situations. " since y'know , you never replied to my good morning text after that night. "

The camcorder's adorned with colourful puffy stickers, stars and hearts from it's previous owner who'd abandoned it at the thrift, finding it's second home in Trent's hands. His camerawork's clunky, but he blames the broken slats that the mattress sits atop of, because the bed dips whenever he moves, which makes it look like he's filming from a boat. "It's like a scrapbook." He explains, looking at them through the screen. They look nice like this, a little fucked-out, eyes trailing lazily between the barrel of the lens and Trent, just doting enough to entertain him. His heart thrums. "Do you wanna know what I thought of when I first saw you? It's sorta insane, you'll never wanna sleep with me again."

exhaustion embraced his body like warm blanket , so close to the precipice of sleep but tried his best to linger awake just a little longer — like a dog who didn't want to miss any moment with its owner. " yeah . . . " he answered , curiosity was only more fuel to stay awake. and truth be told , trent could recite the phonebook and teddy would always find something captivating in how the words rolled of the other man's tongue. he could just listen to him talk forever and ever. he propped himself up on his elbows and smiled at the lens , not camera shy at all even when he felt a little disheveled and sweat - soaked. it was just a memory preserved , no point in not being his usual candid self. " good thing i like crazy ──── but i think mine's very simple. you tell me yours and i'll tell you mine ? "

“ it's not about jealousy, it's about friendship - i just don't think you should go on a date with someone who's that much of a tool. ”

" he's not that bad ──── " or maybe he was. but rainer's dating track record wasn't exactly the best , always wore rose - colored glasses for a little bit of affection. " wouldn't it be pathetic if i just spent every waking moment with you ? maybe i want to feel like someone that somebody wants to sleep with. "

" sounds lonely . " no lonelier than loving him , no doubt . or being loved by him . being a ghost kasey keeps , or was kasey the ghost himself ? an echo of touch and affection that so easily decimates when shown light , the memory of soft words which , with no effort or - contrary to some belief - ill intention , are over ruled and out volumed by words carried by shame and guilt and fear . masking themselves as anger or worse , resentment . he is the ghost , haunted by the empty rattle beneath his ribcage , because his heart is so god damn empty , he has believed his own lie that it doesn't exist . until he sees tj . until he hears tj speak , or watch him skate . until tj speaks about this new man . " fire and ice . how freakin' adorable . " the chuckle accompanying the words , despite their definition , is hollow and humourless . he clears his throat and the more tj carries on , with his much deserved happiness , it gets harder to hear . harder to remain still and listen to what he could have had . what he still aches for . " not like it's fucking hard to be , with you — shit . i need some air . " brunet pushes away from the bar top , and fines his way toward an exit . once outsie , he finds a corner between some parked cars and the restaurant to tuck himself away . a hand rubs over the back of his neck . the cool metal against his skin is another harsh reminder , and he retracts his hand . he gazes down at the ring , a single band silver that out to be an achor . not in a sense to keep him grounded , but instead something that has sunk to the depths , where no light can reach .

he must be a terrible person for even wishing this outcome in the first place — it was a selfish desire to see kasey sound so conflicted about him , knew that his words could be taunting but tj thought they were necessary to finally dredge up some truth out of the other man. and his wish came true ; heard from kasey's lips that maybe he wasn't so difficult to love after all , that maybe he was worthy of love despite how kasey made him feel before. he should be happy , he should feel like he won , but to see kasey walk away only made him suffer from a horrible pang of guilt. " kase . . . " he muttered under his breath as he watched him walk out the door , realizing his own cruelty in pursuit of feeling better about himself. " jesus fucking christ , " one last shot of whiskey for some quick warmth before he pushed himself off the bar stool and went outside ──── cold weather and falling snow didn't bother him at all , not when mind was too obstinate to find kasey. and relief washed over once he finally found the other , just stood & stared for a few moments as if letting the both of them collect their thoughts. tj took a couple steps closer but still left some space , didn't want to make the same mistake of being too close where someone might not want him. " it's kind of fucked up , isn't it ? you're always walking away from me and yet , here i still am . . . " tj scoffed at himself , all the progress he made towards moving on just felt like it was dissolving the longer he stayed near kasey. but at the end of the day , it was impossible not to follow his heart despite every attempt against it. " you've really hurt me , y'know ? like , really , really hurt me. " but tj wasn't even sure if he still wanted an apology. hell , tj wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. " but i know you're hurting , too. and maybe it's stupid , but ──── i can't just leave you out here , kase. "

" ... i have training tomorrow, and i'm gonna' be ass, " chuckles as he brings his glass to his lips again, " 'cause i'll just be thinking about that trip the entire time. i'll be daydreaming for hours. " and archery wasn't exactly the activity one should be distracted for, but no one was never near the target anyways and henri didn't have much passion for the sport; it was his parents, retired and washed - out athletes, funding the trainings, the equipment, the private coaches in some unrealized attempt to live their glory days again through their son. truly hadn't had much to be excited for since his days were filled with what he didn't want to do --- so a week with ludwig would be his first time in a while having fun. lashes flutter at other's hands on his face, warm and big and perfect, and ludwig's smile is enough to make his heart flip. he'd fallen so incredibly fast for him that it almost gave him whiplash. " soon, " whispers back. it might be his new favorite word. thinks about his next words carefully before saying, " i ... i don't know how you feel about that night. about what happened. but despite everything, i'm glad it's made us closer. " because he would've gone insane without ludwig too, couldn't imagine dealing with the aftermath with no one to find solace in. their secret alliance made him rest easy at night, the intimacy that came from it made him have the best dreams, and it was, terribly, starting to become difficult regretting everything. melts into the gentle kiss, and can't help but press one against the side of ludwig's neck before pulling away and looking at him again. admittedly had had a fascination over ludwig for a while, had initially viewed him as the one person in their shared friend group that felt the furthest. everyone else was loud and open about almost everything, and he was a stark contrast. but he'd liked him most for that reason: ludwig was refreshing. but to finally be able to truly learn more about him had henri almost stuck in a paradox of choice: fuck, what did he ask him first ? what question was the best ? ultimately decides on, " what's your favorite memory ? " feels like a silly and elementary question as soon as it leaves wine - stained lips, and he smiles, bashfully, as he follows up with an explanation: " is that dumb ? i dunno'. i just feel like you can learn a lot about a person just from that. we experience ... so many things, all at once, and something that stands out amongst all of that must be significant to the person, you know ? "

" here i thought there's nothing coming between you and that olympic medal. i feel like a distraction. " it wasn't lost on him that although henri was only the person he had let himself be somewhat emotionally intimate with , there were still a lot of things they still didn't know about each other. of course , he knew the basic things — who henri's parents were , his favorite coffee shop on campus , the things he did on his free time. but ludwig hardly knew anything about the nitty gritty , and to hear that henri was carried some gratitude towards the very things that could ruin their lives was a revelation in itself. they killed someone. whether it was an accident or not , they killed someone. and yet , henri was glad for how it bonded them. he should be appalled , but all he really felt was tenderness. " i really don't know how to describe the things i feel , " much better in capturing moments on film and using those imagery to communicate , " but people say things happen for a reason. so maybe this is it ──── maybe the universe wanted cruelty first to balance out how good this will be . . . " and another kiss. sweeter and more passionate than the last. it was despicable and selfish , absolving themselves of guilt , to view a person's life as a needed sacrifice to justify the good thing that came after , but delusion was also a necessary survival tool , too. he smiled softly at henri before gazing away from his features and looking at the television , imagining memories upon memories playing on the screen. his smile faltered for a moment , always had a tumultuous relationship with memory ; so many things he failed to remember , so many things he wanted to forget yet still haunted him. " i've never told anyone before , but . . . " a small pause , rarely ever talked about this. " before i was adopted , this really old couple actually found me in the middle of a forest while they were hiking ──── i was just there. confused. terrified. alone. no idea who i am , where i came from. i couldn't really remember anything from before they found me. still don't. " maybe he'd tell henri the full story some day , how the police tried to link him to missing children cases , how every dna test didn't yield any match. it was as if he just appeared out of nowhere. but ludwig would rather just let it be a small anecdote for now. he reached for his wallet , taking out a small photo of him and his parents , sitting together on a piano bench in the middle of a room that seemed to frozen in time ; vintage decor adorned every part of the room , quaint and classic. now clearer more than ever where ludwig got his love for old movies and old trinkets. " i lived in one of those group homes for a while . . . but the old couple who found me wanted to raise me. they couldn't have children of their own so they thought it must be fate. and coming home for the first time when they adopted me , i think that's my favorite memory. "

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