Fear

I hate you. Despise you. Abhor you. And you have the gull to sit there and talk to me on how I'm hurting my best friend when you're the one that cheated on her and broke her heart. I don't even understand why she continued to talk to you after all that you've done. You're pathetic. Cheating is never okay. Stop acting like it isn't a big deal. You're over there saying how I am too blinded by the love around me to pay attention to my best friend. Shut up and sit down. You don't know me or anything going on with me and my life. You know nothing so you have no right to judge me.

I don't get why people try to start shit with me. Do you think I'm so easy to take down? Darling no. I don't allow anyone to ever talk down to me and get away with it. If there's one thing people know about me is to not start a fight with me. Each time someone has tried, they were shut down. Only the mad and insane try to start anything with me. But I guess I can add "absurdly stupid" to the list because you are by far the stupidest person I've ever met. Your arguments are invalid. You hold no strong position against me and I really don't give a flying fuck what you have to say to me. I knew exactly what you were thinking when you sent that. "I'm going to talk down to her and be all authoritative and act like I know everything". And I bet you were thinking that by being that way, I'd step down. Cower in fear. Oblige to your hollow words. Submit. So when I let loose my inner demons, you couldn't handle it. It was too much so you ran away and didn't bother to look back and say something to at least defend yourself. If you're going to fight with me, own up to it. But you can't. This is why no one should try and argue with me. I only argue back when I know I'm right. 

God I can't stand you. Karma will happen. You will be alone and broken from all that you've done. It'll happen and then you'll finally realize just how stupid you are and that you should have never taken her for granted. That you should have not gotten on my bad side. That you shouldn't have been so ignorant. 

You make me happy. You make me feel light on my feet. It's refreshing. I don't feel like I have to live up to some standard or have to watch each thing I say. I feel relaxed. Very relaxed. I'm used to being the one that's corny and sweet. The one that has to initiate everything. It's tiring and exhausting. That and it makes me feel rather annoying. But this time I don't have to do all that. For once, it's actually pretty even. 

I never really asked for much. Just someone that wouldn't make me wait and lie to me. Somehow, that's a very hard thing for guys to accomplish apparently and yet you've done it so easily. Where did- ...

"If you get injured and need surgery, DON’T COME TO US… But you’ll probably come to us anyway because we’re somehow licensed to practice this stuff."

You are insane. Absolutely insane. Tell me, where's the fun in having all these accounts that you follow me around with? Maybe I'm getting a little full of myself here but what is your deal? What do you want with me? Why do you always do this? If I'm really that person you can't get over... That person you always want to be with, why do you always do this? This is seriously a repeat of last year. We were kinda together and then you blew it thus steering me to someone else. You go after my sister, have her, and then do something to make her leave or you leave. Literally. The past has repeated itself.

You need to stop stalking me. You need to stop playing these games. You need to stop lying directly into people's faces. I caught onto this game a very long time ago. I just never said or did anything for the sake of giving you a chance to remedy it all. And to avoid drama if I could. But I'm not playing these games anymore. You think you're so smart. That you have everyone fooled. Oh I'm not fooled. I play dumb because I'm too tired to make a scene but know this. One day, I won't be the only one that knows. You're so in deep with your web of lies. Eventually, everyone will know and you will be all alone. By then, there won't be anyone left to point fingers at and you'll only be able to blame yourself.

I feel like I'm floating. I'm in bliss. I wish I knew how to properly express these things to you but I don't know. It's too hard. All of this... I locked it away. And I thought I was done with feelings. I thought I wasn't going to even bother to look anyone's way. But here you are, shining light in the dismal void I surrounded myself with. 

Remember those walls I built? Well, baby they're tumbling down And they didn't even put up a fight They didn't even make a sound

I'm content. Wow. That's an odd thing to say. I really don't have anything I'm bitter about right now. Things have finally gone my way. Well kinda my way. Realizations with Yuri last night have given me the last step I needed in letting go the dark, dark past. The asshole that I literally hate with every fiber of my being has finally been put in his place. THANK. GOD. It was about time. I'd do it myself but it would be viewed the wrong way so I'm glad someone else could. 

My friends are idiots and I'm so awkward with boys it's not even funny. I used to be so good at this sort of thing. This is a sign. A sign I need to stop being alone all the time. Maybe I won't completely mess this up. 

I'm starting these numbers all over again. New year, new cycle, right? Well more like I don't want to affiliate with those old thoughts anymore. They were toxic. I'm done with toxic things in my life. I think I now finally got rid of all the bad around me. Things are looking up. I feel hope. Hope in you. You give me hope. Hope that I'm not a lost cause. 

Please don't stray away. Please don't go after anyone else. Stay with me. I may seem distant at first but that's just my cold exterior. It's just who I came to be after all that's happened in my life. Will you accept me as I am now? 

Why me? Why all of this? Where is the light to guide me out of this? I'm young but I'm not stupid. You are not right. None of you are right. All of you that talk down to me.... That think they know better and that I'm being dramatic or throwing a tantrum. Of course I'm going to be hurt and have the hardest difficulty being friends with you. You tore my heart and incinerated it. Of course I'm going to bitter and angry towards you. You left and said that you'd come back for me but you didn't. Instead there's a knife in the back of my chest from two people I thought wanted a smile permanently on my face. I'm the one that's dramatic? I'm the one that's wrong? I have done nothing wrong. I've only given out what's left of me to you all and you all tore it to bits. 

Continue to talk down to me. Continue to say how you're right and that I'm not being considerate or understanding. Maybe all of you people are the ones that aren't considerate or understanding of me. But it's okay. I'll give you all the happy endings you all want. I'll deal with the sadness. The depression. The gaping hole and void inside of me.

I'd be nice for someone to actually mean it when they say they care. I wonder how many times I have heard some douche say how they care deeply for me yet they always magically disappear for like ever until I drag them out into the light. Stop lying to me. I don't understand who you're trying to fool here. If you can't honestly say anything to me without me literally forcing you to speak to me, don't even bother with me anymore. To think I would spend hours and hours thinking about you and worrying about all for you to not give a flying fuck and I don't want to hear it on how I could speak up too. I always do. It's always me. And when I do, it's like I'm some nuisance. I don't understand you. You're never straight forward. You tell me one thing and then your actions are the complete opposite. I don't get why we're always like this. I'm not even throwing myself on you or anything. There's not a single thing about me being complicated but it always turns out this way. Is this some sort of joke to you? Wow. I wonder just how many things are going to not go my way. I have always been so good at keeping my emotions at bay. You don't have the slightest clue how they've been these past months. I don't even understand it. How after all this time, how indifferent you are when it comes to me, I care about above all else. I've accepted that I'll never be the one that holds your heart ever again but that doesn't give you the right to be like this. Funny because I know you'll eventually see this. 

I remember at the beginning of December how you finally revealed what I've already imagined up in my head. I'd do anything to rewind and go back to that. To live in that moment where I was of importance to you. I'd gladly just relive that moment over and over again even though the end result was you just being like, "i feel this but i'm not going to do shit about it. haha bye". I don't mind feeling that horribly painful emotion if it meant that I could feel the happiness I had before it. The last time I ever actually felt like I was actually a somebody and not the nobody I always am. When you see this, know that nothing I said in that conversation changed. I still feel the same. I probably always will but not like that matters to you. Why should it? I'm just your.... I don't know.... Your relationship that turned into a job. Having me around was job and I'm forever sorry that I couldn't be all that you wanted. Be your everything like you were mine. I'm not bothering you anymore. I know when I'm not wanted. Maybe one day you'll miss me back and come looking for me. It will probably never happy but I can always hope. When it comes to you, that's all I ever do.