I always have to write on a steamed Mirror

I'm so lost. I dont know what to do. That's a lie. I know that I have to get up and keep going . But am I even going in the right direction? Does it count if I'm not sure about myself and all the things I do? I'd love to chat with someone but I have the paralyzing fear that all that will be pointed out are my flaws. The things I'm doing wrong, have done wrong and will probably continue to do wrong. My own mother left me out in the cold, no I dont feel like i can trust anyone. If I befriend someone at work, all its gonna do is get me in trouble. No more friends, they always get tired and leave or do something mean. I dont deserve anything, I just deserve to be miserable. I have no motivation to get better other than I just dont want to be this way anymore. But I've never felt that I could change. No one will take me seriously. God knows my whole family thinks I'm a joke. Maybe I am. Maybe I should just give up. I dont know if being a VA is what I want anymore. I dont know that I want to get my license anymore. I really hate emergency. But I can't go anywhere else right now. How selfish would that be? I drug him along for three months just because I couldn't figure my shit out. I lost everything and I dont know if I'veg rieved, given myself time to, or all I do is say I need to grieve when all I do is wallow in self pity. Maybe I deserve to be miserable. I cant see anything clearly. Everything is covered in a cloud and I feel like if I could just see through it I would be fine. But I dont know how. Maybe I dont even know how to grieve. Maybe i just have to start so much farther back. I'm just such a waste of a human. I dont like myself anymore.

It's weird that I feel hurt by the action when I knew before that they weren't really friends, that they didn't really care. So why does it hurt then? I guess the fact that I'm leaving and it was all so easy is a good thing. Maybe it's just because this one thing meant so much to me. But its ok. I don't need them to suceede. I'll do it on my own (rather with my very carefully selected support group) like I have before.

One day I'll lay down in bed at night and rest easy because I've finally got my shit together

Just the greatest feeling when the person whose supposed to be your best friend puts it in your face that no matter what you've done for them, are doing or will do, that no matter what your going through, you still don't matter to them. Your time means nothing. Your thoughts, fears, wants and needs are entirely irrelevant. All you are is a entertainment when they have nothing else. Sorry I decided to start living my life without you.

I'm so angry about things going on that I picked an easy target and just tore her apart. While she did hurt me first, I shouldn't have used her as target practice. That's not right. It's not fair. And now I only feel worse. Do I try to make it up to someone who I can't stand and possibly make it worse just because I yelled at her? Or do I hope my profuse apology was enough? I am at the point where I realize that I'm angry and am constantly angry. It's effecting one of the most important relationships I have. And I hope i am able to do something to get rid of being so angry and hope it has t even began to take much effect with him.