I'm so lost. I dont know what to do. That's a lie. I know that I have to get up and keep going . But am I even going in the right direction? Does it count if I'm not sure about myself and all the things I do? I'd love to chat with someone but I have the paralyzing fear that all that will be pointed out are my flaws. The things I'm doing wrong, have done wrong and will probably continue to do wrong. My own mother left me out in the cold, no I dont feel like i can trust anyone. If I befriend someone at work, all its gonna do is get me in trouble. No more friends, they always get tired and leave or do something mean. I dont deserve anything, I just deserve to be miserable. I have no motivation to get better other than I just dont want to be this way anymore. But I've never felt that I could change. No one will take me seriously. God knows my whole family thinks I'm a joke. Maybe I am. Maybe I should just give up. I dont know if being a VA is what I want anymore. I dont know that I want to get my license anymore. I really hate emergency. But I can't go anywhere else right now. How selfish would that be? I drug him along for three months just because I couldn't figure my shit out. I lost everything and I dont know if I'veg rieved, given myself time to, or all I do is say I need to grieve when all I do is wallow in self pity. Maybe I deserve to be miserable. I cant see anything clearly. Everything is covered in a cloud and I feel like if I could just see through it I would be fine. But I dont know how. Maybe I dont even know how to grieve. Maybe i just have to start so much farther back. I'm just such a waste of a human. I dont like myself anymore.











