The moment was gone as soon as it arrived and he was glad for it. He could tell that the people around them were watching, and he knew that the director had parked himself in the gallery to watch - no doubt spying to see if his Head of Cardio and what had assumed was the hew Head of Neuro were going to get along. He had not had his hands in a womanâs chest cavity he might have been more concerned with the idea himself. All he needed to do right now was to get through this and make sure that this person lived. That his brain was no where other than on this surgery, it was the oath he had promised. Letting her take charge was easy, she had been like this their whole medical career, this need to prove herself and he knew why, he knew she was fighting a battle in her field that he would never be able to relate too. Besides, his ego wasnât fragile enough to worry about her taking over one surgery. âSeems we did.âÂ
Once they were out and he was left in the hall way he couldnât help but watch as she pulled the surgery from herself, leaving him in a conflicted mind set, half of him wanted to march to the chiefs office and demand that she was gone or he was out of the door and he wouldnât be back, the other half of his was routed to the spot he was in until his feet were moving him closer.Â
âYou know, I should be surprised that youâre here, but you always did seem to hold little regard for my feelings Hope. I built my life again without you and whilst I respect you as a surgeon you have no right to walk in here the way you did today. Not unless youâre still trying to destroy me.â He hadnât talked much through the divorce, the drinking had still been a problem and had it not been for her lack of interest and his mothers support, plus his stellar medical record he probably wouldnât have been able to keep the boys in his state. Now though he had a clear mind and everything she had once made him feel came rushing back. âI know you never made me drink, but you broke me Hope, I couldnât fix you when I was so used to fixing everyone else and then you just gave up. I almost lost everything because of you, you have no right to even think about existing around me, not here not anywhere.â Would she taint people? Remind them of the broken man he had been when he arrived? Did he really deserve that?
Here was the thing when it came to her nickname being something akin to an ice queen, it held the insinuation that she was unreachable. No rhyme, no reason, no emotion, she simply moved along to wherever the current took her, and for a while that probably was true. Jonahâs bitter words took her back to the corner that she had to revisit over the past few sessions with her therapist, an outlet she had finally allowed herself even when Jonah had tried all those years ago. It was true that he had caught the signs of her deterioration, her withdrawal, an effect of giving life to their boys. Maybe theyâd simply taken the part of her that made her whole before and split it amongst them.Â
Losing herself in that darkness was something she let take her without a single ounce of a fight in her body. Though she had studied tooth and nail to know how to battle in the OR, this was one sector medically that she couldnât get a grip on, so maybe that failure was a huge part of her hesitation. It didnât excuse her choices, not by a long shot, but it was her broken pieces that she had to learn to mend without Jonah who had broken apart from her own undoing.Â
It was strange, looking at him now and wondering how they had let themselves get that dependent on each other. Was love always supposed to be like? Or was it just their doomed love that caused situations such as this? âI never asked you to fix me,â Hope said softly, though with conviction. âBut I lost my mind back then and itâs not an excuse to tell you to excuse how shitty I was.â She kept her gaze on him then, strong, tried and true. âJust because youâd will my existence away from you and anywhere else in the world, doesnât mean itâll come true.âÂ
She straightened her back then, crossing her arms together as she said firmly, âI wonât be pushed out of here because the position is too good to pass up. Itâs everything Iâve worked for, without you. If you take that from me, youâll feel like youâll have been vindicated, Iâm sure. But could you look at Sawyer and Sage again with an ounce of pride if you ripped my livelihood from me?â Hope knew it was a low blow, probably the wrong foot to start if she wanted to get in with the beautiful boys sheâd left behind all those years, but that was a conversation she would get into with Marianne to start, Jonah was too far into his bitterness with her for her to try.Â
She walked over to Jonah then, landing shoulder to shoulder parallel to him. âGet used to the way real life works Jonah, this isnât some soap opera thatâs going to get resolved in the blink of an eye. You said so yourself you worked back up without me. Youâve got your department and Iâve got mine. Your job security is safe because Iâd never threaten that. Even now that youâve threatened mine twice. But, do what you see fit. I suppose.â