im all dressed up with no place to go putting on my face for the world a beautiful costume
i thought if i covered up some spots of low self worth with a little eyeliner and some plum lips id be fine it wouldnt matter
i thought some denim to cover my fat stomach and a tight tank top to showcase my breasts and waist would disguise my inability to function in this world
i thought maybe i could convince myself that i am happy right now that i am fine that i am okay
that i am not alone in my room lying on the bed ignoring the telltale twists and yanks pulling me deeper down
i just want to eat some salty movie theater popcorn and get drunk and pretend that that will not end up making everything that much worse
that i wont look in the mirror and see the smudged tears and red rimmed eyes
the excessive fat that i zero in on and think about how i wish i could cut it off without adding scar to injury
salt water cuts through my perfected mask and i can see lost eyes staring back at me raw emptiness filled with too much heaviness an oxymoron for the extremely moronic lunatic i can literally feel the insanity creeping into my veins i want to run away i want to breathe normally feel stable if im able to but im nauseated and unable to
and i dont know how to get better because it comes and goes and like a ghost i thought it was dead but its back again holding me hostage in this body
