Udah lama ga muncul.

Something weird has happend. Someone back to my life after everything was going to be ok.

He came without any hesitation. He act like a Man, again.

May be he's not interest with me.

I just wanna live in peace.

Be more present.

Fearless.

Can't refuse, can only accept the pain in the chest that invites tears to finally come out. The pain is still the same with the same cause and the same person. If even a small thing can make you sick, how can you survive 10 years at that time?

He felt that his decision was right, very selfish.

He felt that what he believed was true and made the woman who was by his side for 10 years was just an illusion that he could touch.. which in the end was left behind.

Congratulations on letting your ego win.

Too much thinking.

The most hard feeling,

And I remember to NEVER EVER EVER do that shit anymore!

I am too precious, I am too worthy to do the same shit all over again.

But, I relize that I'll become that girl, who seeking attention for something new. I tried so many ways to be involved, to be seen, to be listened. Pathetic.

Today, was my day off.

Since I broke up, day off would be my nightmare.. even "nightmare" in the daylight. I'm hoping someone texted me, called me.. and yup so desperate. I am draining of this feeling.

Anykind of movies, podcasts, youtube videos been watched, but still.. I'm in grave. I hope someone call me, and asked me "how are you? I miss you" or someone new reach me with text "how was your day?" Sigh.

It is an art of grieving for me.

I hope that, something magical happend around this time 23.30

After breaking up, of course many changes are experienced.

1. I lost a partner to share all of my thoughts.

2. I lost attention to someone who knows me so well.

3. I lost by "Physical" attention.

4. I don't feel lonely, but deep down something big space empty and I can't describe this feeling.

Sooooo, Of course! I want to make a move, I want to make something different and obviously want to make him regret about his decision (sad and tragic statement; but true)

I changed my hairstyles, I posted something "nice" on IGs, I create my own happiness, even if is the fake one.

Suddenly, I relize.. is it me? Or dopamine taking control of my mind? Why so implusive? Why I want to change everything? And Why i hope something "new" has come fast, why i have to be happy all the timeee??

This is crazy, somehow.. I'll become the most oversharing woman, and somehow I feel happy to do that, dammn girl. I'll let my self stimulate by over dopamine. I don't know the side effect of this are good or not, but sometimes I feel enjoying it.

I have a new friend, actually not a closer one. But this guy gave me a whole safe place to "share" everything to him. I felt comfortable to share everything to him.

Not "everything" .. but every "any weird or quirky story" of mine, he's ready to listen.

So DO I! Of course, I like to listen if someone tell me something I don't know and gave me advice. I feel, I found the chemistry beetwen us. Not in relationship way, but in (may be) friendship way.

It's to early to say that, he's a good friend, but I guarantee he is a good MAN. Gentle, soft, idealis (enough, not too much), smart, attractive, but still had "boys will be boys" thing that makes me comfort to talk to him wkwk (somehow i don't like a perfect guy to be my partners).

Is it my dopamine taking control ? Why I've become fast to trust share everything to him?

Or may be, I am..