Equipment Reviews

To my dearest and most loving wife,

I stand before you a man of great promise and bright future.  But the clouds of darkness are slowly rolling in and smothering the fires that bring prosperity to our life.  I found rust on our grill.  Yes, the devil has entered our castle and made his presence known with a swift and devastating blow.  While trying to bring happiness to you, I discovered this unholy rust and it sickened me to my core.  How am I supposed to provide on such inferior equipment?  I know you are asking yourself the same question after hearing this news.

Wife, love of my life, you can clearly see that I am doing this for you.  I am inhaling smoke and risking potential third degree burns in order to bring you happiness and allow you to flourish as a woman.  Therefore, it is imperative that I get a new grill.

It is no secret that barbecues bring families together.  Throughout the spring, summer and fall, countless families come together and celebrate life. In fact, it is important (for your health) that I grill amazing dinners on the latest equipment.  As visible on WebMD, families that dine together tend to eat healthier food[1].  When we sit down to eat that wonderful meal that I created over the fires of creativity, we will be eating more vegetables cooked using a healthier method of cooking. Say goodbye to unwanted calories. After all, your daughter’s health is at stake here as well.  We need her to eat healthy food too, wouldn’t you agree?

I am sure you can agree that there is truth to the statement that a happy wife leads to a happy life. Well let me start from the beginning and say that your happiness is of ultimate concern.  In fact, researchers at Rutgers University agree with me.  In a new study[2], they found that “a wife’s happiness is more crucial than that of her Husband’s…”. You see, it is all for you.  By getting the appropriate equipment to cook for you, I can help ensure that you are happy.  

You are a patriot of the highest order.  There is no denying that you value freedom as much as our great founding fathers ever did. In fact, barbecues have been a White House tradition since Thomas Jefferson.[3]  I know you are a supporter of freedom.  Like the former Presidents of the United States, the leaders of the free world who enjoy barbecue while battling those pesky communists, you can help with the battle against rogue nations by supporting the freedom of fire and smoke. Embrace the equipment like our sailors embrace their newest commissioned destroyer.  Embrace the heaven sent hardware like the soldier welcomes the newest rifle. 

You are a strong, independent, and intelligent woman.  Following in the footsteps of your ancestors who fought tirelessly for Women’s Suffrage, we should celebrate the 19th Amendment to the Constitution.  And how did those ancestors celebrate the ratification of this most glorious Amendment on August 26, 1920?  That’s right.  They had a barbecue.  It would be against everything they fought for if we grilled on inferior hardware. It would sicken them to their core if the flames of justice danced inside the rusty grill of oppression.  

Our path is clear.  We need a new grill.

With all my love,

Your husband

[1] http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/features/family-dinners-are-important

[2] http://news.rutgers.edu/research-news/wife%E2%80%99s-happiness-more-crucial-her-husband%E2%80%99s-keeping-marriage-track-rutgers-study-finds/20140911#.WWk4Q-lJnIV

It’s official.  I need to change charcoal.  I happily use Kingsford Competition Charcoal Briquet.  100% natural, consistent, high heat for searing, and a long burning time for “low and slow” cooking in a kamado or smoker.  So why would I want to change?  Well, 100% natural seems to be a bit of a....stretch?  Yes, let’s go with that word.

According to various websites, including the Kingsford site, “...Some ingredients — coal, limestone and borax — are naturally occurring minerals.” (Read more at https://www.kingsford.com/faq/#E1OI7CLMWzLpVszZ.99) Borax is apparently used as a releasing agent for the briquet molds. 

No borax for me, but thank you for offering.

So this is the burning question (pun intended): Do I switch to an actual natural briquet, or go with lump charcoal? Charcoal briquets are uniform in shape and easier to control.  Temperature control is key with charcoal, so there will be a bit of a learning curve if I switch to lump charcoal. 

So what is lump charcoal?  They are random sized pieces of char (think about the coals in your last bonfire).  Some are one inch cubes while others are more branch shaped.  The difference in size and shape will directly affect the consistency of the heat produced by burning the charcoal.  However, lump charcoal is nothing but pure wood.  

Did I just answer my own question?  Am I going to be switching to lump and learning how to use it effectively?  Did I just challenge myself to do so?