shark in the water

i fumble toward grace like a vine searching for a wall.

sometimes a mind is ready to leave the world before its body.

my body burned like a barnful of feathers.

i am not a slow learner, i am a quick forgetter.

nothing was on fire but fire was on everything.

sometimes i get the feeling you're never coming back.

will i ever even know when my work is done?

again, i am thinking of self-love.

i have always been a tangle of tongue & pretty want.

i'm sorry. this may be me at my best.

if i ask you to leave, you won't.

i'm becoming more a vessel of memories than a person.

i apologize. i never aimed at eloquence.

i told my mother i wouldn't live through the year.

spare this body; set fire to another.

it's a myth that love lives in the heart — it lives in the throat, & we push it out when we speak.

often, my kindness is clumsy.

sometimes faith feels too far away to be of any use.

my dear, how did you end up like this?

i'm sorry for that. & all the tears.

it doesn't take much to love a saint like me.

there is nothing left of me to forgive.

i've given this coldness many names, thinking if it had a name it would have a solution — thinking if i called a wolf a wolf, i might dull its fangs.

as long as the earth continues its stony breathing, i will breathe.

it’s serious business, this living.

i am less horrible than i could be.

envy is the only deadly sin that's no fun for the sinner.

seeing her was equally as confusing as the journey here. she was gorgeous, and clean. he noticed right away how clean she was because he could smell it on her when she hugged him. had he looked so broken? he leaned into her and hugged her back. breathing her in. another human, living, feeling, warmth beneath his fingers. and he held on longer than he had wanted to but cling when she moved back. ❛ yeah. thanks for this, by the way. ❜ he said, he noticed how his voice was so soft. he couldn’t help it. his throat was hoarse and he was in desperate need of a cigarette. he let her lead him into the bathroom and gave a soft laugh at her joke; he felt as though he were watching the entirety of their interaction through another persons eyes. she felt so far, or was it him who was far away?

❛ really appreciate this. ❜ delayed appreciation. before she even got out of the bathroom he had begun to undress. he couldn’t wait to be rid of the clothes. if he could just throw them away he could. they held the memory of all that went wrong and he didn’t know if he could bring himself to put them back on. but he wouldn’t be dramatic. or an issue. he couldn’t walk around naked. he turned the knob for the water and immediately got in. even the cold water felt warm against his skin, and it felt nice to rid himself of all the blood and dirt. he hoped this would wash away the memories. ❛ hey… evs? ❜ he called out as he washed himself, when there was no response he figured she had gone off to throw the clothes into the washer. he heard her enter earlier and take his clothes, another thing he’d have to thank her for when he was done. he felt almost embarrassed as watched the dirt and blood gather as it went down the drain.

levi sat on the bed with her legs crossed.   she could see his silhouette behind the blurred glass shower door through the cracked of the door reflecting off the mirror.   she had known him for two years,    and never once had he ever mentioned having a dangerous job,    or living a dangerous life.   she swallowed and fidgeted with her hands.   she was nervous again,    and wanted to ask what happened,    but she also wanted him to just feel comfortable enough to tell her.   despite not knowing this side of his life,    she would not hold that against him.   after all,    she had parts of herself that she had neglected to share also.   it then occurred to her that it was safer that he had kept all of that from traceable records.

𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟𝐟 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐝 𝐮𝐩 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐦.   𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐚𝐳𝐞 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐮𝐭,    not wanting to invade his privacy.   she turned her body away from the door and waited for him to emerge.   when he had finally opened the door on his own,    she turned back to face him and her cheeks were dusted lightly at the sight of him in just a towel.

he finally walked back to civilization, and on his way he could hear the sirens from cop cars. he wondered if they were heading to where the crime took place. he took solace in knowing emma would be able to rest now. a pang of guilt seized him once more and he chewed his cheek to keep his emotions in check. he couldn’t apologize forever; still. he knew he would. how could he not? who else would carry her memories. her parents were gone, and cook couldn’t even remember if she had siblings. he was a shitty boyfriend to her, but he can admit that he did love her. she would have been good for him if only he could have been the same for her.

he had two options one: steal a car, which could lead to more trouble. the technology these days might get him caught. and there there was two: getting a cab and going to london, which is where levi made a mention of staying currently. he had hoped to meet her face to face on better circumstances but… trouble followed him; it loomed in every corner of the room he stepped into and when he left it latched onto him. a moth to the flame. he couldn’t help the way he attracted it, but he also didn’t know who he would be without it. when he finally got the cab, which is where he spent more money then he would have hoped… he turned his phone on.

EVS. TEXT MESSAGE.

he felt his heart fall straight into his stomach. he turned his phone off right away. that lurching feeling returned and he had nothing more to give. he’d thrown up anything that bore semblance to food for emma and her parents. he tries to push her away but he can feel her again. stiff in his hands. he can see her again. he shakes his head and clears his throat. ❛ you got a water by chance, mate? ❜ when the taxi driver says no cook gives sucks his teeth then gives a shrug. ❛ s’alright. thanks anyway. ❜ it took a while for him to realize why the driver has been being so standoffish but when he ran his tongue over dried lips he tasted blood and knew he had to look rough. he kept silent for the rest of the ride.

when he finally arrived in london, which he surprisingly wasn’t too far from where he started, he turned his phone back on and finally opened her text. he felt a wave of relief wash over him and realized then how tired he was. he needed to lay down soon or else he would simply fall over and sleep where he landed.

text message: receiver: evs [ . 11:01am: thx. i’m here. ]

her phone vibrating on the glass coffee table released her from her mind,    adding to her anxiety.    she hoped it was bellamy,    only because she wasn’t quite ready to see cook for the first time.    ❛ oh my god,    why am i being so stupid. ❜ levi blew out a breath and shook her arms.    she hated the way anxiety could coil in her stomach so easily and became even harder to undo once it was there.    she breathed in deeply and walked over to the table and grabbed her phone.    her heart pounded like a drum against her chest as she read his name on her screen and a very brief ’thx.    i’m here.’ levi swallowed and shoved her phone into her pants pocket.    she stopped by the mirror in the hallway to check her face.    aside from the obvious anxiety,    she looked hot—even anxious.

𝐚𝐬 𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐚 𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞.    𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐝𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐡𝐢𝐦.    𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡,    𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐝𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠.    he was covered in something that looked like dried blood—or perhaps she was overreacting? he looked just as nervous as she did,    and levi decided that she had better get him inside before someone else thinks that he’s covered in blood.    she opened the door quickly,    and felt breathless and speechless now that the barrier between them was gone.

levi looked him over and saw the pain in his eyes,    the way his body seemed to tremble,    as if he were holding together by a thread.    levi frowned and stepped down off of the porch.    she suddenly felt overwhelmed with sadness at seeing him in this state.    in all of his pictures and short videos that he sent her,    he had never looked this defeated before.    without thinking levi embraced him in her arms,    paying little to no mind at all to the blood and sweat on his body,    which she could confirm now with the smell.    she took him by his hand and began to lead him into the house,    ❛ come on… let’s get you cleaned up. ❜ she said very gently and brought him inside the house.    she gave him a moment to take in his surroundings,    to take in their meetings,    which they probably both could agree that this was nothing like how they imagined finally meeting each other,    ❛ i don’t have a spare change of clothes unfortunately,    but the shower is this way. ❜ levi released his hand so he could follow at his own freewill.

text message: receiver: evs [ . 6:22am: u got room at your place love? ]

he read over it a few times after it send, contemplating a response to her response that he had already crafted in his head. a solid “no,” or “why?” his mind was swirling with negativity and he wanted to push it out. he felt his stomach lurch. emmas corpse was behind him. her parents were dead as well and he was to blame. he had gotten the whole family killed due to his recklessness. he keeled over, hands to his knees and vomited onto the snow, he dry heaved for a while afterwards and then as though nothing happened he spit, wiped his mouth, and he kept walking. he had to keep pushing forward. he walked a some paces before pulling his phone from his pocket again and sending yet another text.

text message: receiver: evs [ . 6:39am: sorry for going quiet. can explain later. ]

he sent he shoved his phone back into his pocket. his hands were still shaking. he could still feel the stiffness of emma. he wanted to lie down next to her; to pass away but that seemed too easy and too selfish. he had the weight of freddie’s death to carry, because if he hadn’t, who would? no one in the world knew about freddie’s death. that was another thing he carried with him. the memories, the knowing. he couldn’t allow himself rest while freddie wasn’t allowed it. he looked back once more and softly spoke into the wind. ❛ i’m sorry ems. i’m sorry. ❜ he pulled out his phone again. that guilt of her death sat with him while he waited for a response.

as soon as levi was out of the restaurant she pulled her phone from her purse to check for activity.   first priority was her bestie,    of course,    but something drew her eyes away from bellamy’s text.   it was cook.   she stared at the last text,    which was an apology for not texting her for at least two days.   she wasn’t counting until she realized she hadn’t received any sign of him for at least a day.   that was unlike him,    but her rule was to only text in the morning and at night.   she never wanted to be desperate.   however,    she felt her heart pounding at the sight of his text and opened it very quickly after debating it in her head.   her eyes scanned over the texts and she blew air at the briefness of them.   still,    she lingered on ‘u got room at your place love?’

𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝,    𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐩𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐨𝐟𝐟 𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞.   𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐥𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐚 ‘𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬’ 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐩 𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐧.   she was renting a fancy air bnb,    because she hated hotels.   she caressed her thumb over the text box,    trying to think of what to say and how to say it.   she suddenly felt anxiety creep inside where her breakfast was supposed to be.   she swallowed it down and switched apps to order and uber then quickly went back to her texts,    like somehow the messages would disappear.   instead of asking questions she simply inserted the address to where she was staying and sent it to him.   her stomach lurched and she felt a sickness that she knew was simply anxiety playing with her emotions.   she quickly went to bellamy’s text and began typing.   the uber had arrived while she was distracted by cook and she got in the back seat without so much as a hello to the driver.   she wasn’t normally rude,    so she did offer a smile for acknowledgment.

to : belly.    6.51 am.   hey belly,    i had a terrible date.   dickhole with a cute accent not worth it.   but i got hit up by bathroom penpal,     you know the one… but if he turns out to be a serial killer make sure you add his soul to your little vase for me <3

when levi arrived at her temporary home she tipped the driver generously and thanked them.   she hurried on to her airbnb,    went inside and tidied up the best that she could without making it look like she tried too hard.   she had no idea how long she would be waiting,    so she began scrolling on uber for something to eat.   before she decided she went back to cook in her contacts and began typing.