becoming something

does this even count as social media if no one is really active on here anymore? if no one is interacting and Tumblr is kind of fading out, does it still count? I only ask because I’m on a fast that I decided on, and I wanted to give up the platforms that really take my attention like Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook.

but I’m realizing it’s deeper than that. it’s muscle memory. just picking up your phone and scrolling. because even without those apps, I’ve caught myself scrolling through my email, my camera roll, apps I don’t even open, just to get that same feeling. and that’s when it hit me. it’s a real addiction. I don’t like that it has that kind of control over me, so I’m doing what I can to take that back. to reclaim who I am and what I can do when I’m not constantly consumed by something in my hand.

I’m also giving up coffee for a month, and I think I’m going to try my shot at sobriety too. not because alcohol is something I struggle with, but social settings make it so easy to just have a drink without thinking. and when I really think about how many events I’ve been to lately, it’s more than I’d prefer to consume. being an alcoholic is something I’ve always feared, and I know it’s not doing anything good for my body anyway, so I might as well give it a real shot.

my caffeine intake though… that’s a different story. I drink coffee and Red Bulls and still be tired. like actually tired. that’s crazy when you think about it. drinking a Red Bull and then going to sleep is insane, and the dreams be wild too. not funny for real, I need to chill.

lately I’ve been making these salmon bowls and they’ve been so good. fresh salmon from the market, avocado, cucumber, carrots, and I did this mango habanero one that was just… yeah, very good.

speaking of the market, I remember when I was like 17 and my mom used to go to the grocery store just to see this man she had a crush on at Kroger. she would go to the meat market and he’d give her lobster rolls, like four for the price of two, sometimes five for one. and she would really get dressed for it too, lipstick on, cutest outfit, just to go to the grocery store.

I remember the day she brought us with her and introduced us to him. she was like “these are my girls, Indya and Faith.” she was so proud. I miss her a lot.

if I’m being honest, these past few weeks have been really rough for me. I’m just trying to get back to a place where I feel okay again. climbing the corporate ladder is hell sometimes. you start to realize there aren’t a lot of people that look like you in those spaces. and the ones that do don’t always root for you. sometimes they feel threatened by you, by your potential, by your light.

and that’s hard. because it makes it harder to move with joy, harder to trust how the Lord is working when everything in you wants to react.

I’ve been in Charlotte for three years and I’ve never hated work. I’ve actually loved it. I love what I do. but right now, I just feel really small. making more money than I ever thought I would, but feeling small and unsupported at the same time.

so today, I think I’m going to go to one of my favorite places. I need to get grounded. touch sand, touch grass, just be. maybe get a cute set from the outlet, maybe a dress for tomorrow. pack a small bag, bring some hair stuff, I don’t know.

I just want to be away for a little bit. and maybe cry a lot.

I wonder if I were the person I am now five years ago, what life would look like for me. would I feel fulfilled? it’s hard to see the silver lining when you’re in it. hard to remember that the story is already written, that it’s already done, and we’re just walking it out with the choices we make.

maybe I took the long route. I don’t know. I’m 27 now, and if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that you’ll get there eventually.

not a kid no moreeeeeeeeee

sending my love to you <3333