elastic heart.

Exactly. It takes quite a lot for me to take anything personally, even with my brothers. I bet you are, Hold. Have you two talked since then?

Shut up. That’s not why. I may be shallow at times, but when it comes to a husband, I look for more important things.

I know. I used to deeply envy that about you. I sometimes still do. And no, we haven’t talked. I mean, we talked in passing when he came to Anna’s birthday party, but that’s it.

I guess we all know what that means.

– PRIVATE.

Like the people I work with. Like the people that follow me on social media. You’re a better person than I am, Hold. Sometimes I don’t think I can trust anyone other than you. Not even myself. I don’t mean that I don’t trust our family, because I do, but… they can’t see me. I can’t let them. I would feel worse knowing that they were worrying about me. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. 

I care about you more than I care about myself. It’s what keeps me from completely losing my mind. If it weren’t for you – I don’t know if I’d still be here. Physically, maybe, but not emotionally. I’d have shut down entirely. You kept coming back for me, even when you were drowning as well. I called and made an appointment with a really successful psychologist yesterday, but an hour later I called back and canceled it. I’m just so fucking scared of letting people in. I freeze up when people try to get to know me. All of my thoughts begin to scramble, and I lose the ability to speak coherently. So I either make up a reason to leave or I change the subject; depending on what it was. But you… I want to talk to you for hours. I want to show you every crack and corner in my mind. It’s not pretty, though. It’s really not. And I find myself hesitating constantly, because I don’t want it to effect you the same way. You’re everything. 

I was starting to wonder if I’d ever fill the void in my heart. With Ari; I felt happy, content. I still felt bound by chains. I never would have admitted that out loud. I wanted to be happy with her and so I told myself that I was, and maybe I really was, but the dynamic with Ari is so different from the dynamic with you. I don’t have to hide my scars from you. I don’t have to fight with myself to tell you what I’m thinking. And I never want to think of a world without you in it. 

There couldn’t be a world without you in it. 

– PRIVATE.

Well, to be fair, the people that follow you on social media mainly follow you for all your thirst traps. Thus, you can’t really blame them for being... distracted from your glowing personality when your abs and/or your crotch is front and center on their timeline.

On a more serious note, though, there’s no time limit for when or if you ever let people truly see you. Again, that decision is solely in your hands. Nan and Papa are two of the most loving and understanding people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, but they don’t know everything about me either. My production team don’t know everything about me. Not even the rest of our brothers know every part of who I am. 

You’re the only one who does. And it’s not out of disrespect for any of them because although the world is cold, I’m blessed to be able to say that many of the people I surround myself with are good people. So don’t feel guilty for not letting people in. I know it’s not out of malicious intent, and I’m sure they know that, too. 

– PRIVATE.

You do know me better than anyone else. As a matter of fact, some people don’t even really know me at all. 

Hey… You don’t have to worry about being strong for me. Being in the same room as you makes me feel so lifted. I don’t ever want you to feel selfish or less worthy of my love because you can’t always be happy, too. I’m going to be okay. I’m even better right now. I need you to focus on yourself, and on Anna, especially this time of year. You don’t need to be Superman; trying to save everyone else around you. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere and we can be a little bit lost together, okay? 

You’re my safe harbor always.

– PRIVATE.

Like the people you work with? Well, no one needs to know you unless you see fit. It’s up to you who you let in, Damien. Not everyone has to know more than your name. In fact, maybe it’s safer for you if they don’t. The only people I truly trust are you, the rest of our brothers, Nan and Papa, and Anna. And we’ve been just fine that way, haven’t we?

You know, sometimes I feel like you care so much about lifting me up that you forget about being happy yourself.. but what’s actually true is exactly what you just told me. It’s okay for both of us not to be okay. You don’t have to sacrifice your well being for me to be happy or vice versa. I can’t just focus on me and Anna right now though because I need to focus on you too. Because without you, I’m almost certain there’d be no more me. I love you so much.

I got invited to a Christmas orgy. How’s that for the season for giving? 

– PRIVATE.

There are a multitude of songs that could be classified as the song, but you’re probably thinking of the same one. 

I’m just thinking a lot, and I don’t know how to slow my mind down. I’ve tried so hard to pull myself together lately. I’ve tried being positive when my head starts to fill up with madness. My skin is covered in cracks and it’s like water is flooding in and pulling me down. I feel like I’m drowning; like I’m constantly reaching for the surface and it’s too far away. I don’t know how to fix it, Holden. I just want to fix it. 

– PRIVATE.

I know there are multitude of songs, Dame. And I also know you better than anyone does--at least that’s what you always tell me--so, yes. We probably are thinking of the same one.

I can handle him being snippy with me. Once I find the perfect moment to bring it up, I will. To hear his side of it and hopefully get behind the why of what he did. You’re not overreacting, Hold. You have a valid reason to be upset.

It absolutely is. I’m marrying him, aren’t I?

Of course, right. If there’s anyone who can handle snippy and snarky, it’s you. I’m just sick of his shit to be completely honest with you. Thanks, Fin.

holdensmythe replied to your photo: @holdensmythe

Awww. Gabe, you ol’ sap. Heh.

Just going though some old photos. 

thought it was cute. Better than the other ones I could post. 

I don’t even remember taking that. It is cute though.

adorable

I knooow. I’m such a proud papa!

It’s crazy how hearing something as simple as a song on the radio can bring back so many memories. Today was a really good day, but now I’m just a mess of emotions and I don’t want to be at work right now. 

Does anyone want to go for a drive with me? 

Oh no... which song was it? Was it the song? 

↳ INSTAGRAM: @dennysmythe uploaded a new photo

@itdamien: Then I'll be optimistic for you. You don't know that it's going to be horrible until it actually is, and so until then, we have to continue living.

He’s not. I haven’t talked to him about it yet because it’s something between you two, but I’m sure I’ll bring it up soon. It’s just a very serious and I’m sure touchy subject. Just know I’m on your side.

Of course I did.

There’s no need to talk to him about it. He’s already all snippy with Damien for who knows why. Don’t need him being a dick to you, too. Thanks, though. I appreciate the support. ‘Cause he definitely makes me feel like I am just overreacting sometimes. Not a great feeling.

Have I? I’ve been trying to get better at them. At least around you guys. It’s just, you know, hard sometimes. And I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that.