HOLAAfrica!

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/bisexuality-vs-pansexuality-whats-the-difference-2/

Bisexuality vs. pansexuality: What’s the difference?

Sexuality is very fluid and there are so many ways we can identify, which can sometimes be confusing. One of the two sexualities that people sometimes get confused are bisexuality and pansexuality. This is mainly because they are both about lovin’ and f**kin’ more than one gender.  

So first, some basic definitions:

Bisexual: meaning “an attraction to two or more genders.” Another definition is “the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

Bisexuality is often seen as being attracted to only two genders but this isn’t always the case. The term was coined during a time when the array of gender identities and gender fluidity wasn’t as deeply unpacked and understood as it is now. According to Insider, ‘traditionally, many people have understood “bisexual” to mean “attracted to men and women,” but bisexual people have long defined it more broadly than that.’

Pansexual: The prefix “pan-” comes from Greek and means “all.” A pansexual person can feel sexual attraction to anyone, regardless of their biological sex, gender, sexual or gender identity. Pansexuals can feel sexual attraction towards androgynous, agender, bigender, cisgender, intersex, gender-neutral, gender-fluid, and transgender people. Pansexuals can also be called omni-sexual. 

A common misconception is that folx within the bi people are only attracted to cis folx but this isn’t the case. Pansexuality just speaks more to the engagement with gender fluidity as a concept. The dichotomy of man/ woman doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface when it comes to gender. Even Facebook offers a gazillion (almost 58 to be precise) options for users to choose from when signing up for the platform. And because gender is very much fluid, ‘pansexual’ allows for a new understanding of engaging with all the different genders in terms of romantic and sexual attraction. A case of ‘taste the rainbow’, if you will.

And when we mean different gender identities we are talking about male, female, transgender, gender neutral, bi-gender, gender fluid, non-binary, agender, pangender, genderqueer and third gender (to name but a few). So ‘pansexual’ seeks to hold all of these within the attraction/ romance framework, taking the work of bisexual that little bit further.

Even within our own streets, a lot of African languages are actually very gender neutral (for example, Yoruba and Swahili  or Zulu, which has multiple pronouns) illuminate our history of messing with gender. 

Pansexuality is a dope way of navigating this. One thing about pansexuality is that it also speaks a lot to how you view your romantic and sexual attractions in relation to your own gender identity. If you come from a framework where your gender is fluid, that might influence how and whose DMs you try to slide into.

Some people choose the term “pansexual” to highlight the fact that they can be attracted to all people, regardless of gender and some see “bisexual” as a way of saying that they can be attracted to multiple genders, but not necessarily all of them..

Finally, there are also other terms that folx can use to describe themselves:

–         Polysexuality is the attraction to many, but not all genders. 

–         Bisexual+ is an umbrella term for bisexual, pansexual, queer, and other not-monosexual identities. 

Resources

Pocket Queerpedia (free download)

‘Pocket Queerpedia’ is by and for South Africans – New Frame

The difference between bisexuality and pansexuality – Insider

The Difference between Being Pansexual and Bisexual, Explained – Cosmopolitan

You need help: Why be out as bisexual? – Autostraddle

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Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your of copy Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality – A collection of essays from folks all around the world. A collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays. 

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content!

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/lube-a-short-guide-to-getting-wet-and-wild/

Lube: A short guide to getting wet and wild

Are you using lube? If not, then you should be.

Quite a few people think that using lube is a sign that you’re not enjoying yourself during sex, or it means there’s something wrong with you. That’s not even true. Society has socialised us poorly. It’s led us to believe that a pussy must be one thing that acts in one predictable way. Some folx are out here saying that a wet pussy is a problem and we should put Coke or sand in it (that’s a thing that happens in parts of Southern Africa), whilst others are in these streets expecting a dripping wet, squirting pussy à la porn every time they look sideways at it.

Everyone has an opinion on how women’s bodies or assigned female at birth (AFAB) bodies should look, feel and taste and they will give their opinion, often and loudly. Especially if they are a cis-het man.

When it comes to the ‘your vajayjay should be wet’ camp, women who are less moist are stigmatised. In their Feministing piece, Sesali B says, ‘Naturally, “wet p*ssy” has been uplifted as one of the necessary components of a satisfying sexual experience for straight, cis men’.

The misconceptions surrounding lube use mean that most folx won’t even admit to needing it, let alone take steps to incorporate it into their sex lives.

We are here to tell you that you should.  

Whether you get Niagara Falls levels of wet or are on the drier side, adding lube to your sex life is a real thing because it is awesome for a bunch of reasons. From adding pleasure to safer sex it really shows up for you and your partner.

When it comes to safe sex ‘“Some lubricants may help prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs),” explains Amy Roskin, MD, chief medical officer of The Pill Club. They go on to say: ‘without enough lubrication, sex can cause too much friction, which may cause small skin tears, cuts, or irritation that can make infections more likely.’

Dr Tlaleng, author of the best selling book, A Guide To Sexual Health and Pleasure, also encourages the use of lube and is always encouraging us to get our lives right and get slippery. In one article they say, ‘Vaginal dryness is not uncommon. When the vagina does not lubricate enough, this can lead to friction, pain and discomfort. Oestrogen levels have a direct impact and the levels drop naturally with menopause and the fluctuations during the menstrual cycle makes vaginal dryness common.’

Ask any expert and lube is 100% the MVP when it comes to sex. Not only does it make things safer but it also can add extra sensations and fun new tricks to do when you are getting sexy (which we’ll tell you about later).

Different lubes for different times

 Some types of lubes include:

Water-based

Oil-based

Petroleum

Silicone

Hybrid lubes (which are normally a combo of silicone and water-based lubes)

Different lubes will play different roles in various sexual acts, at various times. For example you should use water-based lube with latex condoms, since oil-based lubes can break down the latex.

Water-based: Water-based lube really has the range and is the best all-purpose slip and slide enhancer. So, if you don’t have a huge backpack or suitcase to be carting about all sorts of bottles (say on a weekend away or if you need to take some to the club) then this is your best bet. It is the only kind of lube  safe to use with all condoms and sex toys. Also in terms of clean up, water based lubes are easier that say, oil-based ones which can leave things sticky and with streaks.

The only thing it isn’t best for is play/sex in water because if you start getting hot and heavy in a pool, hot tub or shower, water based lube will wash away (because, duh, water).

Pro tip: Add a few drops of water if the lube starts to gum up, and it will get slick again.

Oil-based: The slipperiest but also the one with the most restrictions. It will degrade latex condoms so best for ol’ school masturbation without toys. Oil as a lube isn’t always great for internal use because oil cannot be absorbed inside the body. So try and avoid it when masturbating with a vulva.

Silicone: Silicone lube is great for sex in water since it stays stickier for longer and won’t wash away. It’s also a whole vibe for anal sex and if you struggle to keep wet for extended periods of time because you don’t need to keep reapplying it again and again.

According to Dr Tlaleng, ‘silicone lubricants are hypoallergenic, long-lasting and need to be reapplied less often than water-based lubricants’ so the formulas last longer. However, you can’t use them with (most) silicone toys because it melts and warps the material. Seeing as most toys are made of silicone these days it’s probably best to curve the silicone-based lube as your primary go-to if you enjoy your sex toys. You don’t want to end up messing up your sex toy (those things ain’t cheap fam).

Ditto for most condoms: Silicone lube isn’t always friends with condoms either, however the ones that you *can* use with silicone will go wild telling you on the packaging (screaming at you: THIS CONDOM IS SAFE TO USE WITH SILICONE-BASED LUBE WAAAAAA!). To err on the safe side presume most times that it’s a no-no.

Coconut oil: Yes, it’s technically oil-based but it gets its own special section. This is an au naturel vegan lube which can be used in sex without a condom and is great if you are sensitive or prone to allergies. It has one ingredient and is generally safe for most people and bodies (inside or out) and it’s super slick. BUT you cannot use coconut oil with latex condoms because it will degrade the material.

Another thing to note is if you regularly get yeast infections, coconut oil is a no go because it can throw off the pH balance in the vagina and you do not want that.

Please note: DO NOT use olive oil as a lubricant. Just don’t.

No.

Now that you have more understanding around lubricants, incorporate them more into your sex life, slip and slide into that vibe.

Articles:

Are lubricants a must for good sexv? – Times Live

10 Reasons You Should Absolutely Use Lube During Sex – Self

Why using lube can help you become a better feminist – Feministing

18 Must-Try Ways to Incorporate Lube Into Your Sex Life – Cosmopolitan

How To Safely Make Yourself Slippery (With Lube!) – Autostraddle

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Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which explores  dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your copy of Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality,  a collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays from folks all around the world. 

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content!

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/ghosting-haunting-breadcrumbing-figuring-out-what-the-fk-is-going-on/

Ghosting, haunting, breadcrumbing: Figuring out what the f**k is going on

We live in a world of swiping, sexting and sliding into the DMs. Dating, arguably, has gotten easier but in other ways, it is the absolute ghetto.It can be hot trash.

People have found so many ways to connect but also so many ways to also disconnect.

 Sometimes it’s all great sex, dates, nudes and lovely long conversations and other times you feel like you have no idea what the f**k is going on the other person’s phone or in their mind.

We’re going to break down some of the ways people disappear and distance themselves in interactions to give you a little insight into what the hell is going on out there.

Benching: When someone puts a potential relationship on ice for the sake of a more promising one. They may revisit the benched person if the other option falls through. It’s great for the bencher who basically gets a captain’s pick of a romantic partner, but it can be painful and awful for the other person (the benchwarmer).

Also see: Player-On-Loan: You aren’t needed in the first team, so are playing for other teams as well a.k.a. You are seeing other people to kill time with the hope of finally making your dream team. POLs stay ready, stay fit and are still in the game (credit: Candi).  

Breadcrumbing: This is the dating equivalent of leaving a trail of breadcrumbs, which leads a romantic interest on. Now please know, this is not a ‘friend zone’ thing but instead the person is  actively trying to have someone catch feelings for them. However they have no intention of actually making it  ‘a thing.’  Folx will keep you focused on them from afar by dropping little bits of attention here and there, whether it be a random text or Instagram ‘like’. Just to give you enough attention to keep you interested but not enough for it to actually be something.  

See also: Being in the warmer which is when you are put in the oven to warm till the person is ready to eat. 

Cloaking: This is ghosting on steroids. It takes it one step further by also blocking the person being ghosted on all platforms. Particularly harsh.  You are not only dead to them but dead and buried, fam. Access absolutely denied.

Cuffing/uncuffing: Sleeping alone in the cold can be hard, we get it fam. Cuffing is when you secure a bae for those long lonely frosty nights. You then uncuff when you have a summer body and the world is back to sun-drenched fun.  Sun’s out, buns out and unfortunately, you’re also out.

COVID cuffing: This is temporary lockdown loving, when you find someone to shack up with when the government locks us down. When the streets are open, you return to them.

Cushioning: If things aren’t as hot and heavy as they were before or a person sees things are coming to an end, they start flirting with other folks to ‘cushion’ the final blow of the break up. It’s like when you try out other apartments before you move out of your current one. 

DTR: Define The Relationship.  This is the crucial moment when you figure out what’s going on between the two (or three or four) of you. What is this thing we are doing? Is we f**king or are we just friends? Is this a booty call or are you about to meet my parents this weekend? What’s going on here fam?

Firedooring: When all the effort put into a relationship is one sided i.e. the door only opens one way like a fire escape. For example, a person who never texts back, never sets up a date and/or will only holler when they want some a**. Meanwhile you are here planning dates, buying data to Facetime and working hard. Playing yo’ self.

Note: Sometimes you need to stop and consider why your energy isn’t being matched. Why are you OK with a lack of reciprocity? We are manifesting reciprocity in this day and age people! In this economy? We must.

Ghosting: The classic move; someone disappears from your life as if dead and becomes… a ghost. When they are *poof* is gone. Ghosting is abrupt and unexpected, the person cuts contact with you on all platforms (WhatsApp, DMs, private message, phone calls etc). It’s usually used to end a relationship rather than having an actual conversation about ending vibes.

Haunting: When someone ghosts you but like Casper the (un)friendly ghost continues to roam around your digital home, liking posts and watching stories. Making their eerie presence known. Instead of just going away, they haunt your social media streets. Why? Hamba. Go. Be gone demon. (Ew.)

Left on read or Blue ticking:  So one person sends messages and the other person does not reply, especially if the messages clearly warrant a reply.  (P.s. we know you’re on your phone, we see you posting on other apps. Why are you like this?).

Orbiting: When you refuse to leave a former fling’s digital space after you have ditched them. This is when folx let someone know that they still exist and still feel them by liking their posts on social media and watching their stories. Circling their digital worlds andbusy leaving their greasy fingerprints all over other people’s posts (again, why do you not just leave?)

Note: A lot of these moves are used together. Orbiting  can be done in the context of ghosting, when the person has you on the bench and they are firedooring you. Basically they won’t put in the effort to interact properly but stay in your social media streets.

Knowing how people are rolling won’t necessarily give you closure or full insight into their motives but at least you have some idea what the hell is going on. Cause wow, it can be rough in these streets.

Y’all stay safe.

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Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your of copy Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality – A collection of essays from folks all around the world. A collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays. 

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content!

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/a-guide-on-having-queer-sex-for-the-first-time/

A Guide To Having Queer Sex For The First Time

You never learned how to have sex with another person with a vulva? That’s OK. 

Breathe. 

Having queer sex for the first time can be daunting but remember it’s about having fun. Sex is about connecting with another and vibing out. Figuring it out with the person/people is all part of the journey and this article will help to get you started. 

So how do you know you are having queer sex?

Autostraddle did make this fun little flowchart which we love.

Conversation: One thing we are always chatting about here by HOLAA! is…. chatting.  Having the conversations, trying things out and just being present in the moment is like 90% of the sex. Communication is key when it comes to coitus. Folx are like ‘give us sex tips’ and we respond – communication. People then get salty, ‘cause they wanted some sort of cute little -step-by-step sex trick. Communication IS a sex trick, people! So, before you have lesbian sex… talk about lesbian sex to your partner Talking about the sex you both want to have and the things you want to explore is sexy. Even chat about possible no-go areas. All this will make it go a lot smoother when it happens.

Safe sex: Always be having the safe sex. We mean getting tested, getting dental dams and finger cots involved. Having open conversations about boundaries and needs when it comes to the sex. Also making sure consent is at the centre of all of this.

Foreplay:  Technically this is a grey area because what is ‘pre-sex’ really, huh? But if you do want to section it off, there are many ways to play before you get into other parts of sex. Touching, licking, finding different parts of you that tingle when touched or stroked, getting all warmed up. There are so many places to tickle before you get to penetration.

Pro-tip: If it’s someone’s first time being penetrated, let’s not rush right in. Take your time, turn the person on. Be slow and gentle. Don’t just whip out the strap/fingers and slide in.

The Autostraddle article advises manual clitoral stimulation as a good place to start. Try giving the clit a stroke. Find out if the person wants it done gently or for you to give it a good rub.

Eating p*ssy: Oral sex is your friend. It really is. According to Autostraddle, ‘Oral sex is so awesome that it almost feels like cheating.’ Thems the facts, fam. When going down on someone, check that what you are doing is OK. Start slow,  be sensitive and then get more energetic with encouragement.

On the other side of the coin, if someone is going down on you, try and relax. Having someone between your thighs can make you feel insecure or shy but know you are amazing, you taste amazing and the person is probably having a fr*kkin’ good time. 

So lay back and relax.

Also dental dams. Dental dams when goin’ down. Practice safe sex, folx. 

Fingers and toys: Let’s take it down a few notches. Try one finger first, or a smaller more easily manageable toy.  Slow and steady. Also make sure that you use lube. 

Here are some steps from the Autostraddle article:

Start with your index finger in just a little bit, and then all the way in and then bring in a second finger if they want. (Then a third if they want, etc etc.) Don’t go too fast, give them time to respond.

Pay attention to where your other fingers are. If you’ve got your index/middle fingers inside them, is your thumbnail digging into their inner thigh? Check your sh*t. 

Some folx don’t want to be penetrated for various reasons, including discomfort, gender identity or gender expression, and/or a preference for a particular sexual role (as in “I fuck you, you don’t fuck me.”) If that’s you and your partner gets in that area, politely move their hand and tell them where you do want to be touched (or that you’d rather touch them).

Scissoring: Scissoring is a classic. The lesbians/ queer folx with vulvas did a thing when they came up with this.  

According to Cosmo , scissoring is also known as tribadism or tribbing, and consists of two partners with vulvas rubbing their genitals against each other for stimulation.

To figure out how scissoring works make a peace sign with your left and right hand and bring them together so the two ‘Vs’ interlock. This is the basic version of scissoring and is all about two bodies reclining on their sides and grinding, swiveling, and rubbing pelvic bones together. But this isn’t the only way to do it. Scissoring is a colloquial umbrella term for all sorts of acts of tribadism, like rubbing vulva against all sorts of body bits! So thighs, stomachs, butt cheeks and so many other places to slip and slide on.

It can be missionary, it can be one person on top, doggy style, or penetration can be involved. Try straddling your partner while they lie on their back. Putting one leg between theirs, try slowly rubbing your vulva on their thigh. You can try standing, kneeling, face to face, back to back. You can try anything and be generous with lube if you need it. 

Another nifty trick is adding a sex toy to your scissoring, something you can slide between the two of you to add that extra element of pleasure (especially a vibrating toy). 

Pro tip: Always stretch before scissoring. 

Frottage: This is when you touch and rub up against another *very* clothed body. The dry hump (as it is tenderly known) is also a real thing. It doesn’t have to all be naked play. You can even do it in your underwear.

Now that you have the basics you can go forth and have the queer sex you deserve to have! Go get nasty.

Links to check out:

 Touch Me Manual (free e-book) – HOLAAfrica!

37 Lesbian sex positions  to blow your mind – Cosmopolitan

A complete beginners guide to scissoring – Cosmopolitan 

How To Have Lesbian Sex with a person with a penis – Autostraddle 

Yes, Some Of Us Use Dental Dams (And They’re Hot) – Autostraddle

 Sex With Acrylics Is Safe, No Matter What the Memes Say –  Them Magazine

What’s The Deal With Scissoring? – Autostraddle

What Does It Mean To Be a Switch in Lesbian Sex? –  Autostraddle 

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Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your of copy Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality – A collection of essays from folks all around the world. A collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays. 

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content!

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/how-to-support-someone-you-care-about-who-is-in-an-abusive-relationship-2/

How to support someone you care about who is in an abusive relationship.

A few of us have been here before, either in abusive relationships or as friends bearing witness to our closest people enduring abusive relationships. Or we’ve experienced both. Either way, it is an emotionally challenging space to be in and can be heavy emotionally and spiritually. If you’re a friend or loved one to someone in an abusive relationship, you may feel like you want to do something or want to support them but don’t know where to start. As HOLAA! we thought we’d put together a list of some important things that you can do.

1. Listen More than anything, your friend needs you to listen. Listen to what they’re saying and what they’re not saying. Do not try and solve things. Listen. If your friend is speaking about the abuse, it’s a big step forward and chances are they’re tapping into all of their courage and through all of their shame to tell you what’s going on. Honour this act of vulnerability by listening and being truly engaged. Your friend may also need you to act as a sounding board. Basically, they recognise that they’re in an abusive relationship and they’re hearing themselves out. You may have to go through this conversation with them a few times. See it as a build up to them getting ready to take action.

2. Build up their self-esteem and remind them why they are important Abusive relationships are brutal; the abusive partner unconsciously or consciously systematically breaks down their victim. By the time your friend reaches out to you they’ve probably got very little self-esteem and self-love left – which means they’ve probably got very little emotional strength in them to remove themselves from the situation. As them friend, remind them of their self-worth by talking about their successes or positive traits. Pour love into them as a human and remind them that their are love and they are loved. Gently remind them that they are ‘the business’ (the awesomeness, the bomb diggity, the most amazing thing) and that she deserves someone who matches her general awesomeness. Chances are they put their partner’s needs ahead of theirs and doesn’t believe they are significant enough. That they deserve the abuse. They don’t. No one ever deserves to be treated with violence, whether it is emotional or physical.

3. Don’t push them too hard to leave They will leave, when they are ready and when they remember who they are. It takes time. It can take weeks, months and sometimes years to leave after someone realises they’re in an abusive relationship. Obviously we don’t want your friend sticking it out for months or years, but it has to be their decision, your role is to be there in a space of support. They are in a place in their life where they probably feel that they have very little power, the act of choosing to leave and then leaving is an act of power. Let them own that process.

Note: if things are really bad and their life is in danger, try your best to intervene.

4. Create a safe space for the break up The break up  is the toughest. They will question themselves over and over again. Reassure her that she is doing what’s best for her. Help her establish boundaries with her abuser, it is very easy at this stage for the abuser to regain control over your friend. You may, if need be, have to become a safe space for your friend or help her find a safe space to stay. Abusers are relentless in trying to have control over their victims. One of our own at HOLAA! had to deal with their ex showing up at their office, their gym and following them in traffic. Things can get messy quickly and safe spaces do help alleviate the anxiety your friend may feel after leaving. A change of environment will help create the energy needed to start a new chapter.

5. And in really tough situations… Things do get intense. You may need to be prepared to accompany your friend to a hospital or to a police station to lay a case if things get physical. Your account of things will help your friend but most importantly, your presence may give them the courage to follow through on getting medical attention and taking legal action against their abuser. Also be prepared to support them through acquiring a protection order if this is something that is available in your space. The actual application can be terrifying as much as it is emotional especially when queer couples can be at threat of exposure or are treated a certain way because they are queer. The painful space is the hearing and having to face their abuser again but hopefully there will be people and a system in place to protect your friend.

Even if this system is not necessarily part of the legal system it can also include NGOs, other friends and family or even just a tight group that is supportive of here. There are many ways to set up a support system, even outside the police and courts which can sometimes fail people even in the most ‘progressive’ spaces.

6. Take care of yourself as well

While you’re being a good and supportive friend, be sure to take care of yourself. Speak to someone or try to process your feelings. Sometimes it can be very heavy to hold these sorts of experiences especially if you have experienced something similar and therefore the experience of supporting someone can be triggering for you. We recommend you speak to someone who is not the friend that you are supporting. This is because as someone who is in or is exiting an abusive relationship, realising that their experience is affecting you may leave them feeling guilty and overwhelmed by this. In time, connect and share your experiences when your loved one is stronger and able to speak about things.

And lastly, we send you all the best vibes for being that person who gives a damn to support someone through a painful time in their life. It’s tough on the heart and we totally get it.

This piece forms part of  the #QueeringTheCloak series which is part of a larger project exploring sexual, emotional and physical violence in queer women spaces on the continent.  The project seeks to essentially ‘pull back the cloak’ on shame and silence around this violence.

For all the articles and pieces on #QueeringTheCloak click here.

Also an article on 11 Signs You Are being Gaslight in a relationship and another 10 things the author learned from someone using gaslighting as an abuse tactic. There is also a piece where the woman says At least she didn’t hit me”. There is also a piece by a woman who writes a letter to her ex abuser’s new girlfriend. Also some healing words for after the relationship is done.  There is also this piece about tackling abuse in queer feminist spaces. 

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Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your of copy Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality – A collection of essays from folks all around the world. A collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays. 

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/what-are-you-getting-off-too-a-look-at-feminist-porn/

What are you getting off too?: A look at feminist porn

Folx are fapping, stroking, pinching and rubbing themselves and sometimes when it happens they need good content to do it. The messed up thing is porn has been made by men for men for so long that the rest of us have been left out and that is not the one. And that is where feminist porn comes into things. So to kick it off we gotta figure out what it is, ‘cause  wow not all porn is feminist.

According to Wikipedia: 

Feminist pornography refers to a genre of film developed by and/or for those dedicated to gender equality. It was created for the purposes of encouraging women and their self-beliefs of freedom through sexuality, equality and pleasure.

The thing is about feminist porn (like most other things that are gorgeously inclusive) is not super widespread and queer/female-centric content is generally produced more by indie studios who tend to operate on their own sites rather than the major ones like Porn Hu. Even though you can find some on there it can be tricky to locate and you may need to know specific producers/ studios and search for those or really define your search.

There are however platforms out there. 

Alice Vaughn, a sexpert  says that ‘OnlyFans was one such content platform — up until an announcement made on Aug. 19. In a surprising turn of events, the site stated it’s now banned porn (or “sexually explicit conduct,” as they put it in a statement). The platform later begun to rethink the proposal.  And this is surprising because, well, this sexually explicit content is the very reason OnlyFans became so popular.  The ban officially begins Oct. 1, 2021.’

‘Unlike mainstream videos, which typically focus on what guys want to see — long blowjobs, certain sex positions, etc. — Vaughn says feminist porn focuses on female pleasure. With feminist and ethical porn, there’s more talk about consent on set, safe sex is often a focus, and the actors more diverse to represent a wide array of interests.’

SO the big money question: What makes porn feminist? According to The JuiceBox:

1) Real Pleasure. One of the key features to feminist porn is genuine pleasure. This

means the performers use plenty of lube, choose the positions that work for them, and they aren’t faking all those orgasms, they are genuinely enjoying themselves. Some companies are committed to only real orgasms, every time. So what you see is the realest of real deals

2) The best porn for women/Gender Non-Conforming folx focuses on an ethical workplace. This means the cast and crew are paid fairly for their labour, no one is required to do anything (or anyone) they don’t want to do. And no one checks their bodily autonomy at the door and body shaming is not a real thing on set. 

3) Challenging stereotypes, instead of reinforcing them. In feminist porn, performers aren’t tokenized based on their race, body type, or gender.

Instead, the performers are given the option to have sex in a way that is organic to them as people, and engage in the kinds of sexual play that feel good to them. 

In a HOLAA article the writer says: ‘Porn that shows men and women as sexual collaborators rather than men as conquerors could do a great deal to change people’s perceptions about themselves and their sex lives. As one connoisseur of the coitus arts.’ This is part of the work that feminist porn tries to do, pushing back on the power imbalances between the genders. 

In their article Russell O’Connor, says, it would have the ability to promote “positive, healthy attitudes about sexuality and, indeed, about gender itself”. Porn legend Nina Hartley echoed this when she said that this kind of porn could “change men’s and women’s attitudes at their deepest neurobiological level”. Folx are working hard to make proper flicks in these streets so respect sex workers who are making great content and pay for your porn.

Pay. For. Your. Porn. (respect their hustle) for example check out this CrashPad Episode.

Happy fappin’.

Links to check out:

7 places to watch Feminist Porn  from Bustle

The 11 Best Feminist Friendly Websites – Juiceboxit

Porn for Women: 21 Feminist Porn Sites You’ll Really, Really Enjoy

– Glamour

Why Tumblr’s Ban On Adult Content Is A Huge Step Back For Sex Positivity – Feminist In India

Feminist porn: Giving the world a little something different when it comes to online sex –  HOLAAfrica 

Tumblr’s ‘porn ban’ will leave its marginalised users with no safe haven – The Guardian

Sexual Rights – APC

***

Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are living, lovin’ and f*ckin.

#HOLAApost published on https://holaafrica.org/things-we-need-to-normalize-in-the-queer-community/

Things We Need To Normalize in the Queer Community.

Look, truth is we have some great things in the queer community but we also have some shady things that happen. We have some ways in which we are re-defining love and life and some ways we are emotionally being hot trash.

We have some weird rules, some toxic practices and some shady sh*t that we do as queers. So we need to re-think some stuff. Here is a list of things that we need to ‘normalize’ in the queer community.

In fact, ‘the straights’ can normalise some of these things too. This is basically stuff we should all be unpacking.

1.  Normalise studs dating studs and femmes dating femmes: The idea that we must replicate heterosexual relationships where there is a ‘man and a woman’ is not a real thing. Forget heteronormativity. Love who you love. Dating along perceived ‘gender roles’ limits the experiences and ways in which we can f**k and love and live. 

2.  Normalise being OK with not wanting sex:  as queer people we are constantly sexualised and we also sexualise ourselves. We think that by being queer we need to be having sex all the time. It’s a real thing to not want sex or have sex. It’s about where you  are at, that is the core tenant of sex positivity and being sexually grounded. Having sex in the when, how and with you want to. And if that is no-one and not at all then that is valid. 

3.  Normalise being happy and single: We are constantly bombarded with the need to be in a relationship. These internet streets are full of cute couples being the most. It’s really fine to be single and thriving. In fact sometimes it is better.

4.  Normalise understanding and asking for consent: Consent is so necessary and we do not talk about it enough. You cannot simply assume people want to have sex. Or hugs. Or anything really. Learn about consent.

Side note: The level of sexual violence within the queer community because we are not engaging properly with consent is troubling. We need to do better. So much better.

5. Normalise both tops and bottoms having multiple orgasms: Too many shady ideas about who No matter if you are top, bottom or a switch everyone deserves orgasms (especially with the gay boys, yep we looking at you)

6.  Normalise taking the pleasure of bottoms seriously: See previous entry. Often the pleasure of bottoms is not prioritised and sidelined. All folx deserve pleasure when it comes to sex. 

7.  Normalise being a switch a.k.a. being a top or bottom: People can have multiple ‘roles’ during sex, you don’t always have to be the one who is in charge or the one who is the ‘taker. It is OK to explore both, to try and engage with all sides of the sexual experience. There is nothing wrong with being a switch.

8.  Normalise Kink: People find pleasure in different ways, getting kinky is one of those ways. Also kink will teach you a whole bunch about having the sex you want, speaking about it and also consent.

9. Normalise not being cheated on: Folx are creeping, slipping and sliding. Getting cheated on is not ‘normal’. Its not just something that happens. It’s not something that ‘people be doing’. Cheating is painful and harmful and you do not have to take it. Just because the community is small, and being single is a real thing it doesn’t mean you have to accept someone stepping out on you.

10. Normalise not cheating: Stay focused Cheating breaks down another person and is so hurtful and harmful. Especially when people find out. There are much better ways of exploring your sex and sexuality. And if the cheating is about needing to cheat well thats a whole other thing that you need to deal with. 

11.  Normalise gender not being binary: Gender is fluid and comes on a spectrum. It is not in a binary. It isn’t just masculine and feminine. F**k with gender, do what you want with it. Explore it, engage it, change it in yourself. Taste the rainbow. 

12.   Normalise understanding that abuse in the queer community exists: We aren’t perfect. Being in a queer relationship isn’t all 10 years of commitment, a puppy and photos of bae. There is violence in our intimate spaces and we need to face that and tackle it instead of sweeping it under the rug.

13.   Normalise not dating the whole squad: Look, your friends are fabulous and the community is small, we are sure, but do you gotta date the *entire* squad? Like the whole damn crew? Come on now.

14.   Normalise being in an ethical non-monogamy: Wanting to explore and be with other people is perfectly normal. There are so many different ways to create partnerships and relationships, from polyamory, to throuples, to open relationships and more. Some people are outchea trying to creep and cheat instead of having open (sometimes hard) conversations about redefining their relationships.

15.   Normalise queers being religious: Jesus loves the gays, its Christians who are being a hot mess. Religious spaces have not always been kind but there is so much that people draw from their spirituality and that is so important.

16.   Normalise not having to  come out: You do not have to come out, the idea that you have to announce your sexuality to the world in order to be valid is not a real thing. In the closet or not you are still queer AF.

17.   Normalize calling out misogyny in queer communities: There is a lot of hate towards women and femmes in the queer community. From the way femme presenting gay men are treated to active violence against trans women, it’s a hot mess and hot trash. The world is filled with misogyny/misogynoir and the queer community is no different just because we are always saying ‘sis’ all the time.

18.   Normalise calling out racism: Queer folx often think because they suffer one type of oppression they are immune from shelling out another. There are plenty of racist folx in our LGBTQ+ streets. Being queer doesn’t make you an angel.

19.   Normalise not having a fixed sexual identity: Just because you identify as a lesbian now doesn’t mean you will always identify as a lesbian. Or pansexual. Or bisexual. Or gay. Your identity is allowed to change. Labels are road signs not destinations.

20.   Normalise not being a perfect queer: Being a ‘Gold Star Lesbian’ or ‘Platinum Star Gay’ is not a real thing. You are not Gay Concentrate and there is no competition for being ‘the most homosexual in the group’. People can define their queerness as they want without judgement from others. Back the hell up.

21.   Normalise your friends being as important as your lovers: Platonic intimacy is amazing, and treating your friends with all the love and care you reserve for lovers is a real thing. Love and sex are fabulous but friendship is also such a vital part of lives. 

22.  Normalise the feelings of asexual being valid: Back to the hypersexuality we sometimes impose on ourselves (and others impose on us as queers) asexuality and not wanting that sexual interaction has folx shook. Asexuality is valid. 

23.   Normalise healing from your past traumas: We are holding a lot of hurt, a lot of pain and so many traumas within the queer community. It’s OK to heal. We deserve healing. We need healing.

24.   Normalise taking care of our mental health: Mental health is so important, as important as your physical health. Do your squats, base your scalp, drink your water but also journal. Find a therapist.

25.  Normalise side eyeing and calling out predatory relationships sometimes disguised as ‘age gaps’ and ‘dating baby queers’:  When there is an age gap you need to address it, unpack the active power dynamics or else it gets real predatory real fast. 

When we know better we do better. 

***

Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your of copy Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality – A collection of essays from folks all around the world. A collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays. 

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/preparing-for-two-vulva-sex-a-quick-guide-to-queer-sex/

Preparing for ‘Two Vulva’ Sex: A Quick Guide To Queer Sex

You have come out, you are ready and DTF (Down To Fuck). Only problem is, you have never been with someone else with a vulva. Never had ‘The Lesbian Sex’. Never gotten freaky with other queer folx. 

You begin to freak out, right? 

Wrong. 

There is no need to be afraid, sex is something that you can learn about and get better at. With the right foundation you can figure it out. 

This article is here to help you have figure out how to have sex with someone with another vulva. 

Let’s kick it off, queer sex is not something we get taught in sex-ed at school (damn, do we even get sex ed…?) so the internet is the place to find out the things.

Pre- prep: Figuring out your own vibes

First step in this queer  sex journey is to masturbate. Knowing your own body and pleasure really helps when you are about to start rubbing on someone else. Being comfy and chill in your own skill goes a long way to you being comfy around another body. An article by auto straddle says: If you have a vulva and you wanna know how to make a person with a vulva feel good, you have the advantage of using yourself as a test subject — not that what pleases you will please your partner, but it’s a start.

Take a look inside yo’ self: Doing some self-reflection before you jump into the sex is a vibe. Before you jump into the wide world of queer  sex. Bring yourself to yourself and think about what you would want in bed, what your hang ups are, what your turn ons and turn offs are. Who are YOU as a sexual being?

Engage in some self stroking: Touching yourself with your pants  and underwear on (you can unzip your pants, but don’t pull them down) might be very good practice for when the horniness grips you in a non- bedroom setting. 

Look at your p*ssy: You also need to look at your vulva. Just check it out and get comfortable staring it in the face and being like ‘hey there vagina… how’s it going?’ Getting comfortable with your genitalia is always a good step before you get comfy with other people’s.

Opening Up The Vulva

If you are going to be wandering around your vulva (and the vulva’s of other folx) you should probably have a break down of it:

Clitoris: Your clit is made up of the glans/head (the most sensitive part with 6,000-8,000 nerve endings), the hood (which drapes over the glans) and the shaft (which is on average 1.9 cm in length). Some clits are larger than others, and clitoral stimulation is a great great way to reach orgasm. 

Studies have shown that most people with vulvas are more likely to reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation as opposed to penetration. Also the vibe of the clit is feeling good i.e. it is made purely for pleasure. That is its ONLY function. 

Let it do its job.

Labia Majora and Minora: Them be your “pussy lips.”  and, the labia minora are the asymmetrical delicate folds of softy spongy erectile tissue within the labia majora. Some labia minoras extend past the majoras and some are tucked away inside. These come in different shapes and sizes and all are magnificent.

Note: yours will not look the same as other people because vulvas have range, porn and other things can make it seem there is a way for your p*ssy to look but really they are all lovely in their own way.

Vagina: Your vaginal entrance is below your clit and urethral opening (aka where the pee comes out). Vaginal tissue is elastic, you may have heard that babies come out of it and fists can go into it. Most of the nerve endings are in the outer third of the vagina.

G-Spot: Put a finger in your vagina. Now make a “come hither” motion towards the front wall of your vagina. Do you feel that spot with a texture unlike everything else’s texture? It’s a sponge about the size of a bean that fills with blood during arousal, directly in front of your uterus.

Perineum: The flat area between the pudendal cleft and the anus. Some women find this area sexually sensitive. Slangily referred to as “the taint” ’cause it ain’t the genitals and it ain’t the asshole.

Grooming and body care

Now, to have good sex you gotta keep it fresh and clean, folx. Don’t be coming round with janky nails, dirty hands, dusty sex toys and other nasty things. Be focused. 

Let’s get into some grooming tips.

Hair: A lot of folx will wonder about hair because of all the eating of p*ssy and things but you know what? Do what you want with your hair. Body hair is such a contentious thing and whether long or short or in your armpits or on your legs or nowhere at all do you. Granted it might be a little trickier to get all in there if there is more hair but there is always a work around and some folx are all about having that hair there.

If you do want to remove the hair then that’s a vibe too. You can also trim it, get a landing strip, get a wax. Just make sure you do something that doesn’t irritate your skin cause that will not be good vibes when the sex eventually happens.

Nails: You know nails are important when it comes to lesbian sex. Keep them clean and filed. Your nails must not be serving jagged edges. This is not 90’s R&B. If you love your nails long there are ways to have the sex without swerving your manicure.  For example you could wear gloves.

According to an article on the THEM website,  “Manicured nails with gels or acrylics are totally safe for penetrative sex,” says Jessie Cheung, MD, a cosmetic dermatologist who specialises in sexual wellness.  The only thing is staying away from stiletto nails because they could ‘ tear the paper-thin mucosa skin that lines the anus and vagina.’ (Lawd… just typing that was hard. Goodness. Ouch.)

Vulva care: And last but not least your actual va-jay jay. In terms of this you need to remember a few things, the simpler the grooming the better. Your vulva is self cleaning, it handles its business. You do not need to sprinkle perfume on it or smear stuff to make it smell and taste like peaches. It is perfect.

Vulva care is drinking your water, getting medical check ups,  washing it with water (and *maybe* a mild soap but that is about it). No need for all that razzle dazzle, the vulva has got this. If you want to use a product to clean your vulva make sure it is: scent-free, dermatologist-tested and hypoallergenic.

Links to check out:

 Touch Me Manual (free e-book) – HOLAAfrica

How To Have Lesbian Sex with a person with a penis – Autostraddle 

Yes, Some Of Us Use Dental Dams (And They’re Hot) – Autostraddle

 Sex With Acrylics Is Safe, No Matter What the Memes Say –  Them Magazine

What’s The Deal With Scissoring? – Autostraddle 

What Does It Mean To Be a Switch in Lesbian Sex? –  Autostraddle 

***

Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your of copy Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality – A collection of essays from folks all around the world. A collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays. 

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content!

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/tops-bottoms-and-switches-what-flavour-are-you/

Tops, bottoms and switches: What flavour are you?

Sex is dance. There are people who lead, some who follow, others who can’t dance and people who don’t want to be on the dancefloor at all. One of the ways to do the naked tango is by figuring out roles and in the queer and kink communities there tend to be three categories: Tops, bottoms, and verses (or, “switches”, which is used more commonly by women and femmes).

These terms that refer to sexual preferences within the queer community.

Even though they were originally used to describe the sexual preferences of gay men in the 1970s, more and more queer folx are using them to chat about what they want in bed. They’ve evolved into more of an ‘everyone’ thing. You can now find this lexicon in a bunch of spaces: the gays are using it, the TikTok lesbians are about that life, BDSM circles, and gender non-conforming (GNC) folx are getting in on the vocab. 

What is top, bottom and versatile?

With being a top, bottom or versatile, power dynamics are at the centre of it all (as opposed to solely the acts). It’s all about where one person gives over control (which is a power play in itself) and the other person takes the lead (or both).  

Top: This role implies that the top is more dominant during sex, often the one to penetrate their partner(s). Tops generally prefer to take a more ‘active’ role in sex by acting as the person who penetrates, gives oral sex, or does other sexual acts. As with all sexuality, tops fall on a spectrum. Some tops will be happy to receive some of the time, but prefer giving. Some tops don’t want to receive at all.

Because queer sex can look many different ways, being a top doesn’t necessarily refer to the specifics of how sex is had.  There are even some subcategories e.g. a “stone top” refers to someone who only likes to “give” during sex and not be touched sexually at all.

Bottom: A bottom tends to receive during sex; they are the ones being penetrated by their partners. A bottom is perceived as being more submissive when engaging in sex (taking more of a ‘backseat’ in bed). In terms of receiving, it can be about oral sex, penetration, or related to other sexual acts. However, as with tops, the specifics of the sex aren’t as important as the power dynamic. 

The idea of receiving pleasure and being a ‘bottom’ sometimes comes with unfair negative connotations.

Sometimes  bottoms are looked down upon and folx assume  they are automatically ‘pillow princesses.’ There’s also ‘bottom-shaming’ , where folx think of tops and bottoms as  a hierarchy, viewing bottoms to be passive or weak. But this isn’t the case. There are bottoms who are out there serving, winding, moving, bringing the absolute magic. A power bottom challenges the top-bottom relationship by controlling the thrusting and rhythm below or in front of their partner. Think of it like topping from the bottom, a bottom in control.

Switch/Versatile: If you’re into both bottoming and topping, you would probably be considered versatile or switch. If you’re not into penetration at all, you might identify as a ‘side’.  Just like the other categories there is a spectrum, some switches are bottom-leaning, some prefer topping, but all are happy to swing either way.

Like we said, top/bottom/verse discourse has experienced a resurgence ‘cause of the funky youths on TikTok, where queer people have been making videos describing how things go down with each preference.  Of course labels can be pretty helpful. However, when it comes to queer sex there are many people who  navigate sex in a super rigid and heteronormative way. There are folx out here who firmly believe that one person is always the top , and one is always the bottom and partners are not allowed to switch and change.

This really limits the way in which you can experience sex, you sexual tastes and skills may change over the course of your life. And like anything related to sex, the binary relationship between tops and bottoms is a lot more complicated than ‘you are what you are and can never change.’

Sure, there are plenty of queer folks who almost exclusively bottom or top during sex, but there’s just as many who consider themselves versatile or switch. There is space for everyone to find themselves and move from one label to  another. It really is OK to identify with different labels at different times or with different partners. Make sure to have conversations with partners, experiment with them (with consent), with porn, with toys, and explore to see what gets you off. You don’t have to be any one thing if you don’t want to, sexuality is beautiful and fluid.

***

Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are living, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content!

Comment and share your thoughts! Your name and email won’t be published if you don’t want it to.

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/one-two-threes-a-party-tips-on-planning-your-threesome/

One, Two, Three’s a Party: Tips on Planning Your Threesome

A threesome is when three people join together for sexual pleasure. It can be fun but can also be a dumpster fire if you don’t think through it. Here are some ways to do it right.

When people think of threesomes often what comes to mind is three folx who got a little wild one night and had them a good time. There is a lot of sexy stumbling about and somehow magic happens. Not the case. Threesomes take work fam. Having sex with one person is tricky enough now two?

Threesomes can also come in the form of relationshipping. A triad or throuple is a polyamorous relationship between three people. Usually, this refers to a relationship where all three people are actively involved with each other (A is dating B, B is dating C, and A is dating C).

However, the term triad can also refer to “vee” relationships, where two people are both dating one person (the hinge) but not each other. These relationships can be either open or closed/poly-fi (polycule where all folx are seen as equal partners and agree to restrict sexual or romantic activity only to other members of the group).

One Refinery29 article gives advice about having threesomes and starts saying, “If you’ve made the decision to invite a third person into your sexual relations with your steady partner, you might think the hardest part is over. However, you must now figure out how to make sure everyone laughs, orgasms, and thoroughly enjoys themselves. Figuring out how to have a sexy, romantic, drama-free threesome is actually the hardest part once you’ve decided your relationship can handle a ménage à trois.”

It goes on to say that, “[Threesomes can be] rife with imbalance, preference, and asymmetrical chemistry and power.”

Here are some of our tips for figuring out a threesome:

Figure out what you want: Do you want to have a threesome with two other people of your own gender? Do you want to have a threesome with two people who are strangers to you and each other? What are you looking to experience? These are some of the questions you should ask yourself before you jump into bed with multiple folx because it will help you shape the experience you want. 

Having the pre-conversations: If you’re in a couple, sit down together (at a time when you’re not horny or naked) and discuss clearly, honestly, and openly what you’re both looking for and what, if any, compromises you might need to make so you’re both comfortable.

Approach friends with caution: Asking someone who is already in your life can be tricky because you run the risk of ruining the relationship by changing the dynamics. It’s best to think carefully about bringing in this sexual element to certain friendships. For example, do you really want to have a threesome with your best friend and her husband? Or your work mate and their long time non-binary partner? If things go sideways is that really the energy you want in your life? Think about the risks when thinking about the rewards of having a threesome with certain people. 

Make sure all folx involved are on the same page: Whatever way you go about choosing who shall be involved in the good times, the most important thing is to make sure that everyone is in agreement about the terms of your encounter and/or encounters. This is when enthusiastic consent and conversation really comes in. Is everyone happy with who is involved (e.g. Does she actually want to sleep with your love muffin or is she just being polite? Do you really want to involve sex toys or is one person pushing for it?) Having conversations as a collective is a great way to make sure that everyone is happy and excited with all the moving parts of the sex that is coming. 

Check in with each other: Make sure that all parties involved are on board with a shared vision of the evening, and remember that you can back out at any time, even if you feel like your partner (or other threesome participants) will be disappointed.

When it comes to having a successful threesome there may be some logistics (obviously), so here are more tips to consider when planning your threesome: 

Consider the logistics: Where are you going to have this threesome? In your marital bed or at a more neutral hotel/motel? If you’re a single person hooking up with a couple, will you stay the night or excuse yourself post-orgasm and head home? Have you remembered to bring your wallet or do you have Uber on your phone? You got your lube or fave toy? Think about the before, during and after and plan accordingly to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible. 

Communicate boundaries: What are the rules of the game? Who is allowed to kiss each other? Who is allowed to penetrate each other? Often couples will set boundaries about the kind of behaviour that is OK for them during a threesome.

Make sure everyone feels included: “Threesomes require more communication during the experience, and it is important to agree to check in once in a while during the experience and make sure everyone is OK.”

Come up with some positions for three: Threesomes mean a wider variety of positions to try. Now is the time when research is your homie. Find out about the bunch of things y’all can do beforehand, discuss them and then go wild trying all the things out.

Have a post sex conversation: Even if you think you’re all going to simply walk away from the experience, take the time to chat and check in that everyone is feeling good about what just happened. Having a sexual experience like this can sometimes be a lot to handle so make sure that everyone is walking away from the experience roho safi (i.e. with a good heart). 

We tend to think it’s all rubbing up on each other and orgasming but having a threesome is a considered and planned thing if you want to do it right. There are a lot of things to think about when having a threesome so do some research before, have some conversations and above all, be safe. 

Articles:

How To Make Your Threesome As Romantic As Possible (Refinery29)

Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are living, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content!

Comment and share your thoughts! Your name and email won’t be published if you don’t want it to.

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/listen-and-learn-about-fkin-sex-positive-podcasts-to-know/

Listen and learn about f**kin: Sex Positive Podcasts To Know

Understanding sex can be very tricky, sticky so why not listen to people who can make it a little less confusing? Here is a list of podcasts that help with all things sex and sexuality.

The Spread Podcast – Hosted by Kenya- born sex educator, Kaz Lucas, The Spread Podcast is Africa’s biggest sex positive platform and serves you a variety of topics with guests from around the world. A mixture between information and personal narratives, The Spread has conversations with a host of people, from sex workers, to kinksters, social media stars and even medical practioners, on everything from coming out to anal play to being asexual whilst being a porn star.

Open Wide say Ah – Hosted by Cape Town based, actor and sex educator, Loren Loubser, Open Wide is a podcast that is inclusive and a beautiful vortex that is queer, educating and shameless nature. The podcast aims to destigmatise sex, sexual health and consent whilst teaching people different ways that what sex and relationships can look like. It’s super fun edutainment and, frankly, it’s important. A much needed conversation for people to find power in their own pleasure and what that can look like.

Where Should We Begin with Esther Perel–: Ever wanted to listen into couples therapy? This is for you. Guided by the extremely smooth tones of sex and relationship therapy Esther Perel voice and wisdom this podcast allows for you to sit in on therapy session between couples and sometimes even friends. You get a look into the problems that come with sharing your intimacy with another human (or humans depending on your relationship) in a stand-alone therapy session whilst also hearing Esther’s thoughts on the session overall. 

Basically Life Podcast: Hosted by our very own curator and author of Quirky Quick Guide To Having Great Sex, Tiffany Kagure Mugo, this  is a podcastt that looks at how a myriad of people are living, loving and having sex. Through a series of interviews with people of various sexualities, backgrounds and walks of life Bascially Life takes a peek behind the curtain of people’s sex and love lives whilst also giving you a bunch of information on everything from being in an open relationships to celibacy and finding pleasure, to threesomes,  sexuality, mental health and much more.

Inner Hoe Uprising – A smart and funny podcast about sex, love, and dating from four black feminist 20 somethings living in New York. Despite having an American leaning towards it does zero in on spreading knowledge around sex positivy and healthy sexual practices from a fun and engaging way that proves universal. A mix of social commentary and sex the podcast even has a current affairs segment called Fuck That, which brings awareness around various topics linked to sex, love, gender and race and other things. 

(All are available on most podcast platforms including Spotify, Google Podcast, SoundCloud and Apple Podcasts)

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Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your of copy Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality – A collection of essays from folks all around the world. A collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays. 

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content!

New Post has been published on https://holaafrica.org/a-short-guide-to-effective-communication-especially-when-things-are-popping-off/

A Short Guide to Effective Communication (especially when things are popping off)

Any relationship expert worth their coins will tell you, to make any relationship work you have to communicate well. Learning how to engage with another person is not easy and communication, be it with a friend, lover, sibling, co-worker or random on the street isn’t always easy.

The world is full of misunderstandings and different points of view which sometimes can clash, leaving people feeling unseen and unheard.

So in true HOLAA! fashion here are some tips for good chats and communication.

Tip #1: Use ‘I’ statements. When having conversations, we may get kind of accusatory. We can come at folx with ‘you do this’ and ‘you do that’. Try using ‘I feel’ and ‘I think’ to show that this is your point of view and not an absolute truth (absolute truth is a scam). 

Tip #2: Practice active listening. Actually, hear what the person is saying. Don’t just wait for them to finish so you can jump in. Check that main character energy. If tensions are getting too high and no one is hearing each other, it’s OK to take a break and come back to the convo later. Just hit pause.

Tip #3: Turn your feelings into a request: For instance, if your partner is always on the phone instead of saying, “You’re on your phone all the time,” say “Hey babe, tonight I’m cooking a really nice dinner and I would love for us to have a phone free evening. If you’re down for that, that would mean a lot to me?’ Same result with less potential for fights. 

Tip #4: Beware of threatening gestures: Sitting eye-to-eye is one of the best ways to minimise threatening gestures. Try not to sit with your arms crossed, or leaned back all snarky or in a way that you personally would find threatening. Face the person and open up your body language.

Having open and relaxed body language will mitigate any potential fight or flight signals because your brain automatically responds to movements caught in your peripheral vision as more threatening.

Tip #5: Check your reactions: Be aware (and mindful) and take responsibility for your facial expressions, gestures, body postures, and tone of voice that your partner might interpret as threatening.

If you trip their threat response wire, the calm and effective communication will be over.

So, check yourself on threatening gestures such as: rolling your eyes, raising your voice, crossing your arms and turning away from them when they are speaking to you.

Tip #6: Don’t be rude, fam: Sighing loudly when you don’t like what you’re hearing, clicking your tongue, checking your phone and cussing them out (e.g. flipping them off) is just counterproductive and mean. It will wreck any attempts to communicate.

Remember you will not always get communication right and fights and arguments happen, so be kind and patient with yourselves and others. Growing this skill takes time.

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Check out the Basically…Life Podcast (on all platforms) and our YouTube series We Are F**kin Here for other vibes that show how queers are livin’, lovin’ and f*ckin.

For more info about all things gender and sexuality download our Touch Manual which has a bunch of info about dating, sexuality, gender, sex and much more!

Get your of copy Touch: Sex, Sexuality and Sensuality – A collection of essays from folks all around the world. A collection of intimate, beautiful, gorgeous essays. 

Also visit our Instagram page and Twitter account for even more great content!

Queer for Christmas: A Guide To Surviving and Thriving The Holidays https://holaafrica.org/queer-for-christmas-a-guide-to-surviving-and-thriving-the-holidays/

Queer for Christmas: A Guide To Surviving and Thriving The Holidays

The holidays can be a lot. For everyone. Not only are you probably dropping ALL the coins because its Dezemba but there is the vortex of family to deal with.

Questions of like ‘where is your husband?’ and  ‘why do you not have kids?’  Comments like ‘I see that life is treating you well because you are… not small’ and those aunties who have a million and one judgements. There are also the feelings of pressure to connect with people and sometimes there can be a sense of loneliness and isolation during this time. Dealing with the holidays as a queer person can be even harder so here is a guide to navigating this tricky time of year.

One of the things to do is manage your expectations. Prepare for the worst while leaving room for the fam to surprise you. This might be the holiday you find your ally or another holiday where people’s trash a** opinions pop up again. This might be the time your parents have a Come To Jesus Moment or the moment where your father says something ‘about the gays’. Leave room for everything but also brace yourself.

Try to prep by thinking what sort of stuff could pop off i.e. potential arguments or issues that might come up ahead of time so that you are prepared, even a little bit. Knowing what could happen or could come up can help you decide ahead of time what you will engage with and how far you will engage it. There are a bunch of things that could pop up and sometimes its OK to not want to engage with homophobia/issues about marriage/ misogyny/ ableism/ all manner of f**kery.

Find your heart squad and hang out with and reach out to the people who make you feel less sh*tty, either inside or outside the space. The digital world is at your fingertips or you can just put on your shoes and simply walk out the door and go be around the folx. Keeping a connection with people outside the space as well who can keep you afloat.

Remember that your private life is nobody’s business. Folx will slide into your life DMs and make all manner of comments and suggestions, and ask all sorts of questions. If things get too personal or invasive, set boundaries, tell people to back it up. As a queer person, your life is not there to be prodded at and examined without your permission. It is not a case study to understand and unpack. You’re allowed to not answer questions like, “But which one of you is the man?” and you certainly don’t have to discuss your sex life with anybody else.

Boundaries. Do the best that you can to set limits with yourself and others during the holidays. Feel free to politely but firmly decline an invitation to a family event if you think it would be better for  your emotional health—and do something on the holiday you find to be fun and/or emotionally nurturing.

Bring acceptance to the table by remembering that things are not perfect, they don’t have to be, and you can’t control anyone’s behaviour but your own. Heated arguments at the dinner table will not elicit a change of heart and you do not have to save everyone. You only have to save yourself. This is a moment when self-preservation is key, take care of yourself.

Listen to old episodes of Basically Life and read HOLAA articles to make you happy happy. 

When all this is happening its important to remember some things:

When it comes to dealing with family, there is no such thing as a “best reaction.” Again, you cannot control anyone else’s reaction and what they do is not a reflection of you or your worth. How people react is often about them and not you.

Let folx do them, try and embrace the concept of understanding, patience, empathy and to allow everyone their own individual process. People go through their own things when confronted with things that they do not understand or cannot accept, or struggle with. So let people move through things in their own way and again, try not to internalise things. It is difficult but try and move from a place of ‘that’s a you problem’ if people project on to you.

Coming out is a group event and sometimes people around you need space to come out as well, and what looks like rejection may simply be a period of adjustment.

Try to have compassion and grace for yourself and for your family. Find a way toward acceptance rather than judgment. If you want to try and connect and have a relationship with your family, even if they are struggling with who you are, you might have to try to accept them even though they don’t fully accept you (again sometimes this is a process). This is not out of a sense of obligation but because in the long run, arriving at an emotional separation, (“that’s them and this is me,”) may be better for your own mental and emotional health.

Sometimes you ain’t trying to deal with all that mess so you want to curve the family gathering. If you decide to skip the family gathering:

Take care of your emotional and mental health: Remind yourself that your mental health and emotional happiness come first. If you can’t be in contact with your family at all over the holidays, that is OK. If you feel comfortable only being in touch with certain people, or in certain situations, that is also OK. Do whatever you need to create a space where you are taking care of you. Self care in all senses of the phrase.

Consume queer content: Gather all the queer content you can get your magical hands on. Watch queer films, listen to queer podcasts (like QueerPrisim256 and QueerCity Podcast or even QueerWoc and of course Basically Life) and read queer books (like this list of 15 essential queer African reads). Listen to queer music. Get deep into your queer culture and know there are spaces you are seen.

Journal What’s On Your Mind: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to write down/ voice record/ video everything that’s happening in your head. Putting your thoughts and feelings out in the world can be so helpful in determining what needs to happen to make you feel happier, safer, and healthier.

Celebrate Your Accomplishments: You are magic and you have survived another one of these wild years! You have done so much and even just showing up and existing is such a vibe and know this should be applauded. When you’re alone over the holidays, it’s easy to blame yourself, bring yourself down or criticize yourself and your identity. Taking the time to sit down and recognize all of the wonderful things about yourself and all of your accomplishments can do a bunch of good for your self-esteem and self-image. Give yourself your flowers fam.

Reach Out To Your Fellow Queer Community: Queermas is a real thing. Gathering the loves around you if you can is a way of bolstering yourself and finding peace and joy during this time. If you’re feeling alone around the holidays, it’s safe to assume that many other LGBTQ identified people feel the same way and even if someone isn’t feeling lonely, it’s still really meaningful to reach out and see how others are doing and remind them that they’re not alone. Even if someone can’t meet for coffee or a movie, simply exchanging a few messages on Facebook or an Instagram or Twitter DM might make a positive impact on someone’s day.

From us at HOLAA! we are sending so much love and wishing you a brilliant day and a happy happy holiday, no matter how you spend it. Make sure you stay safe out there fam.

Links

When you’re not welcome home for the holiday – After Ellen

Queer and heading home for the holidays – The Brag

LGBT and heading home for the holidays- Psychology Today