Always explain why they’re being punished. Only use punishments that both have agreed to and consented to; preferably ones outlined in a contract. Keep an example list of infractions and their punishments.

Never use or remove items of comfort as punishment. Avoid distancing or limiting contact with yourself as a form of punishment.

The punishment should always “fit the crime”. Avoid over-punishing as well as under-punishing.

Once the punishment has been administered, then it’s done. No dwelling on it or bringing up what they did wrong.

Explain, give examples, and give alternatives to avoid future offenses.

Reassure and comfort them afterwards.

Most importantly, learn and move on.

I’ve probably said things like “I need accountability.” (or “I need structure.”, or to feel owned, or a firm hand, or rules, or guidance, or to feel safe being vulnerable, and lots of others)” dozens, maybe hundreds of times on this blog. 

Of course, needs are things we require. I remember learning needs vs wants in third grade. The textbook said human needs are food, water and shelter. That’s it. The end. So I see why it may read to some that “needing” rules is absurd. Or why they may read me write “I need accountability.” and then assume that I mean “I need a disciplinarian in order to get by.” but that isn’t at all what I mean. What we require can change depending on our circumstances. You may only need food, water, and shelter to survive, but we can talk about need in ways that are totally unrelated to simply surviving. Most of the time when I talk about what I need here on my blog, I’m talking about what I need within a D/s relationship with @cynicaldom. This can include things I need in order to let go of control, what I need in order to feel safe submitting, what I need in order to feel vulnerable opening up about my desires, what I need in order to trust and admire my Dominant, what I need from him in order to give him what he needs from me, and more. 

I functioned just fine before I had rules given to me by my Dominant. Well before I had lived D/s I desired clear expectations, limits and boundaries, structure and to be told ‘no’ if I was doing something that wasn’t in my best interest. But I got by without that, and I was pretty happy even. I was drawn to the idea of "old fashioned” relationships from a very young age. In hindsight, I realize that was my subby heart often read Dominance and submission into the depictions of old fashioned relationships, and I was drawn to that idea because I was seeking to submit, to let my future man lead my relationship. So I’m not at all trying to say the bone-deep desire to live this way isn’t just part of me. It definitely is just part of me and I am certainly more fulfilled in life when I get to live D/s. But…

I don’t need a Dominant looking over me in order to be a functioning member of society. If I am going to submit, I need more than I would otherwise need.  I require a lot more when I am living D/s because submission is vulnerable, I give more of myself, and D/s is an exchange.

There are things that I need in order to fully open up my submission and to let go of control. For me, I need to rules, clear expectations and structure to be there so that when I let go I don’t feel like I’m just blowing in the wind. I need accountability so that if I somehow wriggle away a bit too far, there is something to pull me back where I belong. I need to feel the presence of his leadership regularly so that I can breathe and know that he’s got those things I let go of handled. 

While I let go of more when I’m submitting, I also pick up more responsibilities when I live as a submissive. Through living D/s, I now have rules and chores and the expectation that I will behave in certain ways, and the expectation that I will take my commitments to CD very seriously. Because of those, I need to see him committing to his responsibilities to make it feel fair that I am held accountable to my responsibilities so strictly. I regularly place his wants above my own which requires a bit of sacrifice, so I need to know it is appreciated to avoid feeling used. In part, I need to see his appreciation for my submission through his other actions. I need to see that he considers my feelings regularly, that he keeps space open to hear my opinions, and that when he makes decisions for us both that he does so with our mutual best interest at heart. 

There’s just something about you.

You touch me in ways I’ve never experienced before.  It’s in the little things you do, the effortless way you interact with me that always feels genuine and real.

Maybe it’s the way you make me laugh with your humor and wit.

Maybe it’s the vulnerability you’ve shown me in your openness and empathy.

Maybe it’s how you shorten my name when you say it, how easily it rolls off of your tongue with a confidence and familiarity that makes it seem like you’ve been calling me that for years.

Maybe it’s the way you listen to my neurotic, anxious, obsessive ramblings and never judge me or show me any frustration or irritation - just endless patience and support.

Maybe it’s the way you run your fingers through your hair when your hands are unoccupied, making me smile and turning me on in the exact same moment.

Maybe it’s the way you call me beautiful, and cute, and sexy - and I actually believe you mean it, even though I never believe it from anyone else.

Maybe it’s how we never seem to run out of things to talk about, and it is never forced or difficult.

Maybe it’s the strength of character you’ve displayed by admitting when you’ve been wrong - earning my full respect in one emotional conversation.

Maybe it’s the way you accept me exactly as I am.

Or maybe it’s the way you love me when I can’t love myself.

I don’t know, baby.

As your devoted submissive, I will crawl to you.

I will worship your mind, your heart, and your body.

I will give you my trust, my vulnerability, and my liberty.

I will be your biggest champion.

I will support you in all of your dreams and desires.

I will dedicate myself to your wants and your needs.

I will beg you for your orgasms and the privilege of pleasuring your cock.

1.) I need the structure and rules in order to feel fulfilled.

2.) I need to have someone to care for and be valuable to

3.) I crave the intensity of D/s interactions

4.) The feeling of ownership makes me feel safe and free

5.) Having someone in my life who is willing to push my boundaries has made me a better person

6.) I need someone who craves me and wants me just as much as I do them and I have not found that in the vanilla world

7.) I need to be held accountable for my actions in a way that only a D/s relationship can provide

8.) I love having a person who will take me down dark paths of desire

9.) I have desires that require absolute trust in order to be fulfilled

10.) I crave that moment when I can finally let go and fully submit and my mind finally quiets

11.) Sometimes I just need the feelings of hands on my throat or buried in my hair and the whisper of “You are Mine” in my ear

M / s

I felt in my bones

accepted and seen

I felt picked up

Cherished

Loved

“You are Mine.”

Not a question

Not a command

A statement of fact

A release of such pent up fear and frustration

My body shook with it

And I was one with the Earth

One with Him

And all was

Finally

Finally

Right

There are many ways to make someone feel cherished, loved, protected, yes…  owned. Some may involve ‘leather and chains’. But a lot of the time, and certainly in public, little things mean the most.

A quietly whispered ‘no’ when picking an outfit in a store, a hand on a shoulder in a restaurant, how about a quick approving nod across a room. Clearly a hand can wander, an arm may squeeze that little bit tighter, fingers twisting or tugging a lock of hair. Simple things.

Not every sub wears a collar, not every Dom has a whip hanging from their belt. D/s can be expressed in the smallest of tokens, gestures, movements, Between a Dom and a sub the raising of an eyebrow can be enough, mean more than a lengthy conversation.

Someone might hold their partner that little bit tighter than necessary, perhaps let that finger linger on bare skin just a little bit longer, that hand a slightly firmer hold, signifying perhaps just a little bit more than usual.

One finger in the right spot, just a thumb rubbing gently perhaps, causing goosebumps inside and out. Barely noticeable for an outsider, but for those to whom it matters a simple sign that says ‘you’re mine’.

Little things. So very important.

M / s

I felt in my bones

accepted and seen

I felt picked up

Cherished

Loved

“You are Mine.”

Not a question

Not a command

A statement of fact

A release of such pent up fear and frustration

My body shook with it

And I was one with the Earth

One with Him

And all was

Finally

Finally

Right