you come back as the underdog

she’s determined to be there, to support him. she’s not sure what the connection between them is, or even what it entails, but rey knows that being there with him, and letting herself feel it, is where she’s supposed to be. leaving him behind to face it on his own wasn’t an option that had faced her, not after everything. not after what she’d seen, and especially not after he had let her in, allowing her to be privy to the most vulnerable parts of him. 

the immense relief it brought to her was unprecedented.  

she counts her wounds, a few on her arm, several bruises culminating in a bigger one on her side, though she feels most of her exhaustion is inwardly. letting the dirt and blood wash off eased her, like she was finally able to start to process of letting go of palpatine, of exogol, of war, and of the dark place he had pulled her back from, an ultimately kind, selfless and giving act. even being on resistance ground, she knew, was extremely distressing. yet he was there; he’d let her bring him there. it wasn’t going to be for nothing. 

rey is putting her shoes on as he enters. she observes him, nothing mocking in her eyes. it’s… strange, seeing him like that, without so many layers to cover him. the color is lighter on his skin, the contrast less stark than any of what she’s seen prior. she senses his discomfort; she should have known there wouldn’t have been clothes he was used to, but she…

she doesn’t laugh, of course she doesn’t, but she smiles to him. “well, i like it,” she says decidedly, matter-of-fact, and it’s true. the very sight of him makes her feel warm again. she doesn’t say anything else on the matter, sensing that he’s uncomfortable, which she reckons is due to a variety of reasons and not just because of what he’s wearing. 

outside, celebrations had calmed, and she was certain they could expect finn and poe, perhaps even more, at any moment. “we can go on for hours, once we start.” she’s referring to the festivities outside. even after crait and in spite of extensive loss, they had celebrated. “but i⏤”

she exhales, her eyes meeting his. “i can sense that they’re coming soon.” she pauses, wanting to give him a minute to breathe, to think, to speak if there was anything on his mind. 

of course rey doesn’t make fun of him, ben says it to be preemptive more than anything else, mostly because he feels so out of his element. he doesn’t fall as easily into rage as he used to, mostly because he’s not so pent up and his head isn’t so full of voices that leave him halfway to anger at all moments. 

reluctantly he peers at her smile breathes out sharply, feeling glad to have her approval. that’s all he needs, as far as he’s concerned. “that’s good, because i doubt there’s going to be much available in colours and styles i prefer, at least here.” he doesn’t blame her for not mentioning it, it’s implicit. 

they’re not going to carry such dark shades on a resistance base. he’s too used to the stark white and black of the first order. he’s glad to be free of that and the contrast is as troubling as it is comforting. 

as she explains, ben nods curtly. “that’s alright.” he lies, because he doesn’t want them to come. he doesn’t want to face them, but he knows he has to. “i’m not going to hide behind you, but i appreciate you being my advocate here.” he tells her honesty, knowing that this is the last of the quiet, calm time he’ll receive for a little while. 

eventually the doors open and ben has taken his place leaning with the crutch beside his leg. he tries to keep his calm, but he’s unsure what he’s going to say or do. the first person he sees is poe, of course, who doesn’t necessarily look pleased at the sight of him but who doesn’t look anywhere near as bitter as finn. he remembers his name, it’s hard to forget, not just because rey considers him family. and it makes sense for him to be so angry. the first order had taken finn like they’d taken so many, brainwashing and training them. he’d been stronger, he’d done what ben should have done before he could. 

she shakes her head at him again as he laughs, not giving in, but appreciates that she’s able to amuse him. truly, rey’s in awe of him and of how he’s revealed himself to her, and she takes it, harbors it, wishing to keep it safe. 

wishing to keep him safe. no more masks or manipulation. just this, whatever it was. 

her face is clear with intent as he speaks, listening. she swallows thickly as he reaches out, bringing their faces closer again, noses touching. almost instinctively, her hand lifts to cover his, encouraging his touch as they lie there. she too finds comfort in it, even if she’s not particularly anxious of what’s to come. and if she does, it is not even close to what she envisions he must feel, an anxious pull she’s been able to decipher through the force. she calms and instills that calm in the bond between them, hoping to reassure him. “we’ll be fine,” she whispers, hoping to relieve him somehow. you’ll be fine.

she knows, naturally, that it’ll take time. there are things that will likely never heal, but it’s a beginning and that’s all that she’s hoped for. 

rey clears her throat when he rises, the intimacy once again making her feel a little unsteady. she sits, for the first time noticing the dirt and blood on her clothes. “there’s a refresher in the neighboring room,” she explains, her eyes going from her body to him. “there’ll be clothes there, too.” they usually kept some in the ship for storage, or for hygiene purposes, as it was where the back-up medical droids were kept, and oftentimes people had to change. “i’ll be in the room opposite yours.” 

she stands and leads the way, and once she’s in the lavatory and has a minute to herself she feels a number of feelings and thoughts rushing through her, ranging from admiration to shock to longing, and she’s certain she can still feel him under her palms, or in the very least his hands on hers. it’s intense, but more than anything she’s stunned by him. he’d dragged her back from nothing, and she couldn’t forget the feeling of his hand on her stomach, igniting warmth and pulling life back into her. and then there was the rest. the closeness, which was a new territory altogether that at the same time felt incredibly familiar. 

these were the thoughts occupying her mind as she showered. getting out of the shower, she doesn’t bother putting her hair back up in buns. instead, she puts it up halfway to let it dry, and picks out new clothes, darker in their hue but still a light gray.

and then she returns, waiting for him. 

rey is relentlessly comforting, in a way. it comes with her determination, he supposes and the fact that she has been able to see him down to his very core, no matter his hesitation to fully let her in. he always wanted her to understand him and his past, he never expected that she would. yet there she is, sensing his unease and lathering it in reassuring words. 

“we’ll see.” he replies weakly, but he grunts and it’s easier to keep his voice steady and stand up straight. as she explains where he can find clothing and the refresher. nodding as he takes in her words, he begins to follow along behind her, finding that he can at least step down on his bad leg now. it doesn’t feel necessarily good, but it helps to not be quite literally hopping everywhere in a way that makes him embarrassed about having an injury in the first place. 

when he’s finally alone, he wishes he wasn’t. that’s just par for the course, it seems. he’s too attached and finally letting himself acknowledge it. he appreciates the hot water, though once he’s no longer wearing clothing he can see the way cuts and bruises riddle his pale skin. his body aches differently than before, especially now that he’s had some rest and his leg isn’t taking up the majority of his attention. 

once he’s clean, he pushes his hair out of his face though small droplets continue to hit his broad shoulders and faces the options he has as far as clothing go. 

the first thing he realises is that there are no darker options other than an off-white shirt that is far too light in colour for his liking. he’d rather that than something in a brighter colour, at least. as for trousers, he lucks out with a pair as close to black as he can find, replacing his boots and hobbling back to rey despite his discomfort. 

somewhere in the back of her mind, she feels him cover her body with his. she adjusts to it accordingly, craving the warmth and contact even in sleep. her nights are usually restless, normally waking up several times, often with an uneasy feeling resting in the pit of her stomach, too tense to fall back asleep again. before joining the resistance, she was afraid to sleep in case she missed anything. in case someone were to return to jakku. with him, she sleeps soundly, allowing herself to let go. or perhaps more accurately, not letting go, but knowing that regardless of what happens, they’re safe. it was part of what she’d seen when she had touched his hand on ahch-to. not so much an image, but a feeling; one that had been strong enough for her to stop training and travel across the galaxy. 

rey, her fingers trailing up and down his arm, can tell he wakes. they’re intensely aware of each other, and she feels something within him shift, but his eyes are still closed so she continues to stroke his arm. 

when he finally breaks the silence, she closes her eyes abruptly and shakes her head, a slight smile on her lips. rey lets out a huff. “am not,” she protests faintly, her voice groggy, giving his arm a soft push. they both know the truth. 

though, she hadn’t been able to help herself. he’d looked peaceful in sleep, younger. whatever worries and pain he carried within himself were gone, even if just for the moment. it was a stark contrast to how she’d seen him so many times before, having felt the conflict within him, and recognized how it had manifested onto him. now, even the scar was gone. of course she had to look. 

it’s when he grabs her hand, however, that she’s pulled out of her head. she opens her eyes at the gesture, observing him for a minute, letting herself take in his smile. if she was tired before, that alone had jolted her awake, a burning feeling emerging in her chest. she clears her throat before speaking, her unoccupied hand rubbing her face. 

“i’m not sure.” her eyes fall to the space behind him on the window on the wall. it’s dark outside, but somewhere in the background, she can make out dim lights and movement. “it seems like they’re still going, but i don’t know for how much longer.” it wasn’t a permanent base; they would move soon and go somewhere else. “they’ll come soon. we should, um⏤”

get up, get ready? maybe change and clean themselves before then, but she doesn’t move. she would rather stay there for a little longer. 

the way she stubbornly protests makes an actual laugh leave ben’s lips, relaxed and warm but still very quiet. it’s private, his laughter, his smiles, he still reserves them for only her because she’s the only one who he feels is able to see him in his new skin. his mask has been completely shed now, but some part of him wants to carry it with him at least when he isn’t around her. 

his smile is barely there but as smug as ever but it’s obvious that he doesn’t mind. he likes it, even. he slips from extreme to extreme, knowing he doesn’t deserve her but desperately wanting to horde all of her love and attention. 

though he’d like to keep holding onto her hand, he loosens his grip completely, dropping his own hand to the small space left between their bodies, watching her as she answers his question. the time is slipping away and that makes anxiety bubble underneath the surface, even despite the calm he’d been able to feel rising out of sleep to find her still there beside him. his equal, his... he’s not sure how to word it. he’ll find the words one day. 

“probably.” ben agrees simply to her words, though she hasn’t exactly made it clear what they should do. he knows he’s still a bit of a mess. his hairline is still damp with sweat, his clothes don’t exactly scream much but i-rushed-back-to-you-and-only-had-time-to-take-off-layers. it’s still less constricting than the robes he’d once worn, but he thinks he’s ready for something else now. 

bravely, ben decides if he has to get up then he’s going to take a moment for himself. “we can get up, i just...” he huffs and then in a swift moment is cupping her cheek delicately, leaning in to her, his nose brushing against hers. it’s not necessarily suave, he doesn’t even know if it’s romantic, but he wants to be close to her again before he might have to be away from her. “i just want this, before i face all of that.” he doesn’t even kiss her, mostly because ben feels he’s not supposed to initiate them, not yet. there are words he’s supposed to say, but he doesn’t have them yet, he just has a shaky breath and intimate closeness while his heart flutters in his chest before he finally clenches his jaw and lifts himself up. 

if this isn’t the biggest mood i literally have a tab w thesaurus.com open rn

it’s a comfort, knowing that he’s likely seen what she’s seen; that she’s not alone in it anymore, and that he understands ⏤ even if they’re not able to express that, or even understand it, fully. it’s reverence, it’s devotion. compassion. something else, too, that runs deeper. something profound and complex, that’s different to anything else. it’s been between them for a long time, yet if asked to explain it, she doubts either of them would be able to. 

but as of the moment, he’s warm and reassuring. gentle. all of which she had recognized in him before, but were now being expressed in a different way. 

rey exhales at his touch, her breath warm against him, content as she feels his arm cover her. having him this close is nearly unreal and dreamlike to her, but he presses a chaste kiss to the top of her head she’s brought back to reality, another reminder that it’s real. 

the only thing that escapes her in response is a quiet hum, satisfied by the fact that she at least got to tell him that before drifting off to sleep, as she’s too tired to speak and for now, it’ll have to do. rey falls asleep like that, her body entangled with his, and it’s the easiest time she’s had falling asleep in a long while. 

she doesn’t have to imagine anything. she just sleeps. 

and when she wakes up, she’s not sure how long they’ve slept. her body is still aching but it’s more subdued now, and her is mind clearer. they’ve remained uninterrupted, leaving her to think that celebrations are still ongoing; that they’re still trying to avoid chaos by hiding that he’s there. 

her head is still resting on his chest, and she lies there for a minute to take it in, once again having to remind herself that it isn’t a dream as she feels his breathing under her. she rubs her eyes, adjusting herself. she wants to see him, so, making as little change to their current position as possible, she pulls away only slightly, enough that she can observe his face. her hand is now resting on the arm her head’s on, and fingers touching it gently, not wanting to wake him but finding it hard to not touch him. 

not even in childhood can ben solo recall many a night in the years since snoke took him in, that he felt obliged to sleep a night not consumed with any number of grave worries and distressing thoughts filling up his mind. they were spoken into it, filling him up and up and up with them until he exploded in outbursts that frightened people, that frightened even himself. 

a completely peaceful sleep had always been too far out of his grasp, teasing his fingertips but he’d always slip.

beside rey, her body tucked into his as he curls himself over her, almost shielding her from the rest of the galaxy. it’s a natural position to him, he’s so deep in slumber that he doesn’t feel the pain of his leg any longer. he doesn’t have many dreams, just flashes of her smile and incomprehensible scenes from places he can’t recognise in a look so brief. 

he’s still asleep when rey wakes up, at least at first. the moment he feels her fingers so gently touching his skin, it’s impossible to remain asleep. he’s so acutely aware of everything she does. ben keeps his breathing even, not quite wanting to part from the rest his body had been longing for, but he knows they have to get up and face the world eventually. there are decisions to make, a galaxy to see (if they can manage to get out of there without him probably being shot by a resistance member’s blaster). 

it’s more than just her fingers, he can feel her gaze on him. ben feels like he can sense her movements and he knows in some way she must sense that he’s awake, so he speaks. “you’re staring.”

with a heavy breath, he opens his eyes and thanks the stars for her being the first thing he sees. his hand clasps over hers, larger but fond in the way he moves her fingers slowly down towards his bottom lip. he almost backs out on his instinct, but then he’s pressing the skin between her knuckles and the tips of her fingers against his lips. it feels risky, which is laughable because they’ve kissed twice and they just slept in each other’s arms. 

She opened her mouth to object again, but scrunched her nose once more, she didn’t like all this girly stuff at all, especially the thought of being a pageant girl. That word combination made her think of not that intelligent girls squeezed into tight, bright pink dresses or looking like Barbies dressed in bikinis and high heels. That was everything Rey hated. At his words Rey forced a smile at him. “Here. Happy?” Her smile instantly dropped and she got up from her seat, ready to leave his office any moment. “Yeah, well, a coach won’t be parading in some hot pink thong bikini in front of the whole world and shedding a tear about wanting world peace, that would be me and only me alone. Hard pass.” And with that she turned around to leave the office. She’d rather do paperwork than be one of the pageant girls.

Rey had heard stories from people, who were or had been in love, telling her how with the right person both of them can just spend hours in complete silence, not saying a word, just being by each other’s side and enjoy their presence. It sounded silly to her wasting time like that, but she finally understood them. It felt like she could gaze at him for the rest of the day, take all his features in and memorize them (as if she hadn’t done it already while he was sleeping), maybe even lift her hand and let her fingers gently brush over his cheek, down to his jaw, brush a few strands of hair out of his face… and maybe… maybe lean in to steal another kiss… But she didn’t dare to do it. Rey averted her eyes from his lips and looked down at their joined hands, cheeks getting a bit more rosy, which she chose to ignore and pretend wasn’t happening. “I’m glad too,” her voice was almost a whisper, and another small, loving smile curved her lips.

When he was brought on the ship, Rey told people what he did, how he turned around and saved her life when she was gone, how he gave almost all of his life to her, just so she could live. The most selfless act she could ever imagine. Some people forgave him, some only understood, but couldn’t bring themselves to fully forgiving, some didn’t believe at all, but she didn’t blame them. They couldn’t see what she saw, they couldn’t see and feel the light in him. It was there. Slowly growing and spreading. “No, you gave your life to me, I was just healing you whenever I could, it’s nothing compared to what you did… I could never repay you for that, a thank you is not enough,” she shook her head a bit. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,” Ray said with a reassuring smile, which got replaced by a little bit of guilt. Denying the obvious was pointless. “Yes. I…” She didn’t quite have a reason why she was there, she just… she wanted to. She needed to. “I couldn’t leave you alone.”

The colour in her cheeks, Ben was sure it was there was a colour could surpass it. No, it was definitely his favourite. What a thing to wake up to, her rosy cheeks and her delicate, bewitching smile. It was almost hard to fully respond to him, to keep his thoughts from getting muddled as he stared back at her, his chest feeling heavy in a way that was overwhelmingly good. He was feeling so much now, more than he ever let himself before. It wasn’t necessarily all good, but that wasn’t really the point. Even the feelings that hurt, the brief flash of Rey, lifeless in his arms or Leia’s voice, the fact that she wasn’t here any longer, they were important. They made him feel more real, more connected to the galaxy than ever and to Rey, to their bond. Letting out a quiet breath, he struggled with what to say. “It was what needed to be done. I’d do it again. I’d do it even if the consequences were... worse.” He struggled with expressing that, maybe it was too heavy, but it was true. “Don’t tell me not to worry. You’re strong, but I feel it, I feel...”

her eyes widen a little at his confession and her eyebrows rise, softening her expression as she beholds him. she isn’t surprised to find that he’s mirrored her, that his dreams have been hers, too, but it’s different to hear it. a relief, almost. her hand moves, her fingers lightly touching his. “i have as well, for a long time, before i even saw you. i didn’t use to understand it, but now⏤” a dyad in the force. a power like life itself. she wonders if they had dreamt the same. if the force had brought their dreams together as they had separated over and over again. then again, it couldn’t just be the force. with it or without it, she was certain that they would have been here, that they somehow would have found each other. 

an unspoken inevitability, she’s sure. 

but she was there, and almost as if he’s reading her mind, he asks her to move closer. rey shakes her head, almost in disbelief at his question. “no. no,” she interjects to his question about it being selfish, her voice quiet, herself yearning to be close to him and glad that he feels the same. she lifts herself, closing the gap between them as she places her head in the space between his neck and chest, her forehead touching his chin. her arm stretches across his stomach, her fingers tracing soft circles on him as they rest. “i wanted to.” 

as her body sinks fully into his, it calms her. she can still feel her heart beating loudly and her breath is uneven and she thinks he must be able to hear now that she’s so close, but it settles something within her, a longing, and it instills a sense of belonging and safety she’s never felt before. at the thought, she closes her eyes and presses her face gently into his skin. i’m here, i’m here, i’m here. 

he’s here, too. she can feel him in the force. it circles around them, through them. she speaks after a moment, tired, soft mumbling into his body, as she’s somewhere between waking and sleeping, but she can’t hold it in any longer: “there’s so much i want to tell you.” later, of course, they both need to rest, but she needs him to know; wants him to know that how she feels, how he makes her feel, even if it’ll have to wait. 

it shouldn’t surprise him that there’s so much they haven’t been able to discuss, things they’ve shared without knowing that they weren’t so alone in the galaxy. he’s known for so long that something between them is different, that the force moves between them differently, since starkiller base, but he hasn’t been able to put it into words. they share more than two people usually would, or could, even other force users. it’s still something he yearns to fully understand, but he thinks that comes through being around her, allowing himself to submit to exploring it. 

“now.” he echoes, as if he agrees with a sentiment that hasn’t exactly been expressed in words. they both understand what he’s saying. she understands that he craves her warmth radiating through him, making him feel safe and making him feel as if he’s keeping her safe in return. he shivers when she’s tucking herself against him, her fingers tracing him so casually. 

there’s that smile again, though she can’t see it. she’s with him and of course ben solo is grinning about it, though this time far more sleepily than the last one. 

this is the closest thing to home he’s ever felt and his eyes could very easily become glassy again with tears if he lingers on the thought too long, instead, he wraps an arm around her, breathing in slowly, accepting her affection and trying to return the glow she makes him feel like he is completely drenched in. i’m here. you’re home. 

she smiles against him when he pulls her closer, welcoming the gesture as well his touch. his hands are warm and gentle, her skin tingling under his fingers, flushed and hot. intimacy, even in its most basic forms, was something she had been lacking her entire life. never had someone touched her for so long or in such a way. though, things had been different before. her mind had always been elsewhere, whether it was survival on jakku, the resistance, training, war, the force. everything else until this point had seemed secondary. it was different now. all the things she wanted to tell him poured into the kiss and became evident through tender physical contact. and while her skin was burning and her heart was beating out of her chest and it was new and distracting, it was immensely pleasant. 

she almost doesn’t want to get up. almost. until she remembers that she’ll finally get some rest and that they’re sharing the bed. of course she won’t deny him. 

but when she does rise, she’s observing him tentatively as he too attempts to stand. “are you sure?” the bacta had started healing the flesh wound, but she knows it takes time. she can tell when the exhaustion hits him and she quickly says yes, picks up the crutches and hands them to him, her hand finding his shoulder in an effort to provide support. she walks beside him to the quarters, adjusting her pace to his. 

her skin is still warm, and there’s a flutter in her stomach.

rey lets him sit first, offering him a quiet mm in response to his comment about making space. she discards of her shoes and arm wrappings quickly, but takes time to take off the belt holding her lightsabers and carefully puts it on a table on the other side of the room. 

she’s not quite sure what she feels as she lays down next to him, their arms eventually touching when she’s finally resting next to him. it’s a relief, the comfort of the soft mattress beneath them, and she for the first time allows herself to feel the exhaustion roaming through her. there it is, that dull ache on her side, and she pokes it with her fingers to examine the pain. it’s not so bad. 

becoming intensely aware of his presence next to her, she turns her body to face him instead of the ceiling, and she watches him for a minute, not sure what to say (and wonders if she should touch him, too). she brings the thin duvet up to cover them, and settles on, “is that okay?”

ben would like to watch her all the time, always knowing exactly where she is so she won’t dissolve into thin air like a dream, someone he can’t truly be given permission to have beside him. thankfully, he feels her in the force, her presence is all he focuses on, listening to it, breathing it in as he closes his eyes for just a moment. it’s serene, the awkward uncertainty of their second kiss not quite lingering in his brain for a moment. 

he only lifts his head slightly when he’s taking notice of where she leaves the sabers, but they don’t need them. for once, they don’t need them. 

when she’s close again, he goes back to staring at the ceiling, blinking and gasping inaudibly when rey’s arm presses against his. one little touch makes him hungry for more, but he doesn’t rush any of his actions. 

ben glances down at their arms and then lifts his gaze to look at her as she turns onto her side and he can’t help the way his eyes slip into a look of devotion. his whole body is sinking. into the bed, into accepting the comfort of her eyes on him and her body beside him, into finally being able to sleep without having to worry about still being apart from her when he wakes up. 

to respond to her question he nods, lifting his hand up to rest between them, fingers aching to reach out. “i’ve dreamed about this before.” he admits, his tone measured. “then it felt like more of a nightmare, really. only because i never thought it would ever come true. i’m scared to believe that you’re really here.” 

can he say that? he thinks she understands. she’s always understood him better than anyone ever did and he understands now why that is, why she’s always been able to see through him in a way that helped to make ben solo whole again.