emily lola

5.23.20

2:22am

it’s one of those nights again. although it’s not raining tonight. but i like the rain so i put rain sounds on. it was to try to help me fall asleep but i guess that’s not happening.

i call these nights my insomnia nights.

the nights where i just cant seem to make myself fall asleep. sometimes i’m tired, other times, like tonight, i’m not. i have a 9am shift tomorrow... today? whatever.

but somehow i can’t stop thinking about my future. i have absolutely no idea what i’m doing. i definitely don’t want to be like amber and work at starbucks for 12 years. sorry amber.

i surprised myself by saying that i actually want to go back to school. but what do i take if i don’t know what i want to do in life? first i wanted to be a nurse. do i want to go back to nursing? no i don’t think so. then i wanted to be a teacher, but i just don’t think i have the motivation for that, even though i would be great at it. my dad thinks i should be a meteorologist because i like to talk about clouds. but idk.

sabrina told me i say i don’t know a lot. she said it’s a defense mechanism. maybe she’s right. i want to call off tomorrow...today? but if i do i wont get my scheduled 30.5 hours this week.

i'm weak.

i really need to move out. and go back to school. there’s this girl that i’ve known for like 11 years that’s looking for a roommate but we aren’t that close and i’m scared.

man i hate having existential crisis’s in the middle of the night. there’s too many thoughts in my head and i need them to go away.

i really need to loose weight, and exercise. i wanna do yoga, because i think that’d be good for me. but i need to start, and motivation is hard.

i feel so inadequate. all my friends know exactly who they are or who they want to be and what they’re doing or going to do in life, and i’m over here living with my parents, working a minimum wage job, eating junk food and binge watching anime, completely clueless.

it’s one of those nights; i can basically kiss my chances of getting any sleep tonight goodbye.

ugh this sucks. i’m so over everyone asking me when i’m going to move out or go back to college. i sick of everyone hounding me about my future. like look you’re not going to get a straight answer until i do buddy so knock it off.

what am i going to do with my time? i guess i could read. or draw. or idk, lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until dawn.

now i’m listening to the ocean. not the actual ocean since i live in ohio and nowhere near a body of water. unless you count the field next to my house that floods every time it rains. i want it to rain again. to storm where thunder shakes the house and you get soaked just walking from your front door to your car. and i want it to storm for hours upon hours.

now i’m getting a little sleepy, but i doubt i’ll be able to fall asleep and be able to get up in time for work. maybe i will call off. i slept until basically 2 today. maybe that’s why i can’t sleep right now.

oh well.

maybe i’ll find something to do.

until then, i’ll just go back to my existential crisis.

so long.

3.29.20

1:15am

i really felt like i needed to sit and listen to the rain. its chilly, and my head still kinda hurts and i definitely should be asleep but for some reason, i felt oddly compelled to sit outside on the porch and listen to the rain and thunder.

i long to go out and stand in it, until it soaks me to the bone, but i know thats unreasonable, so i dont.

its soothing, the sound. the pouring, pounding rain on the pavement making me feel at ease in a world full of chaos. i want to feel the water on my toes and splash and walk through the puddles, but i dont.

why dont i?

probably because its inconvenient and my brain is telling me that ill probably get sick if i do. i feel calm yet also confused. calm because the sound, sight and smell of the rain. but confused about everything else in life. im living with my parents, im not in school, i work a minimum wage job and i have no idea what im doing in life.

and i really need a hug.

its been raining, no, storming off and on for a few days now. it seems like the weather knows exactly how i feel, and is portraying that. i miss my friends. and i constantly feel like a horrible person, a fraud, a fake. im definitely living two different lives right now. i feel everything, yet nothing. and my head still hurts. something is definitely wrong with me.

the rain is coming down harder now, and i am cold. its impossibly dark outside, except for the dim porch lights and the occasional flicker of lightening that i always seem to miss. my foot is going numb. im playing my “rainy days and insomnia” playlist right now because it seems appropriate. its been about fifteen minutes but it feels like no time has passed. i keep feeling like someone is watching me from the house, even though i know everyone is asleep.

the rain has let up a bit. this night reminds me of the night i wrote emotion. two in the morning, pouring rain, the longing to let the rain seep into my clothes and soak me to my core, thoughts threatening to overflow, sleepless nights. its all too familiar, a perfect case of deja vu.

i got that feeling again, like someone was watching me. nobody was there.

im on edge.

im nearly twenty-three and i feel like my life is going nowhere. i feel like a child. like i dont know how to do anything. i feel helpless. hopeless.

i really need a hug.

bandito is playing and it feels like the perfectly appropriate song to how i feel right now. ive bitten off almost all the nails on my right hand. i was doing so well too. why do i keep looking behind me, as if someone is there?

stop.

stop.

nobody is there.

nobody is there.

i cant quiet my mind. and i dont know if im crazy or if the sky is getting lighter already. why is life so hard? it seems as if everyone else has it so easy. most of my friends know exactly what they want to do in life. im clueless. i feel like a failure. am i paranoid? i keep feeling like im seeing things.

i love the rain. the droplets like tiny tears pooling on the concrete. soaking the ground, watering the earth. the smell is my favorite though, i think. the fresh, earthy scent that signals that there is life in this dead world and it is thriving. i want to thrive. but im barely surviving right now. im cold but i dont want to go inside just yet. i should be in bed. but here i am, sitting on my porch watching the rain and word vomiting my thoughts out here for the world to see.

okay, deep breath.

in.

out.

okay.

let's go.