S H I N J U.

Asking for closure is a humiliation ritual Excerpt from a journal As comforting as having answers for why any kind of relationship has come to end, taking a step to chase for answers from someone who has already withdrawn can become self-abasing rather than clarifying. If the other party didn’t feel the need to explain their reasons to cut you short from their life, getting worked up and having restless nights pondering over the reason won’t get anyone any further in life. As I like to remind myself that, I still had those restless nights, rewinding my mind over what could I have done? What went wrong? How did I hurt them? Endless questions to roam my mind and keep me awake. I go over our time together, the promises we made to each other to stay in contact, to stay friends or in reality maybe I just assumed that we’d maintain that status after all. I have asked for closure in two instances, one was a situation I never quite figured out—too distant for anything serious, yet too close to call just friends. The other was a person I held dear to my heart, I knew them briefly, but they were someone that I admired the moment I met them, their fiery temper and an effortless wit, ready to retort at anything. Asking them for closure was the most humiliating experience I have ever had the displeasure to have, and at the end of, I never had the answer, the confusing situation one only said “I pressed reset” with a deprecating tone. The witty one just ignored my existence as I greeted them excitingly and walked away. All I was left with in that moment as I stood there like a painted-faced idiot watching them leave were my conflicted feelings, anger, sadness, the urge to grab into them and ask for answers, ready to stoop low. I hated myself for pondering, overthinking it and not letting go. I couldn’t force them to give explanations, how could I ? I was blocked, did I even have the right to know what happened? It’s been months and I still think about it all the time as performatively nonchalant as I like to be, I still have their birthday presents sitting around in my room to remind me of their existence.

i didn't want my life to be a collection of letting go, of my routines, my hobbies or my loved ones, for the latter, i wanted someone to fight for me, choose me with intent, like i was the only one for them. i didn't want the weight of letting go to overwhelm me, to think that it was not meant to be after all, for all these feelings to be transformed into self doubt and resentement.