clair de lune

I’m lucky enough to have found someone, but i’m also thinking of how much i used to tolerate them, more than just meeting them halfway.

I met them all the way, and I sank my teeth and nails into them. They’d say maybe this is a lie but who are they to judge what I know about myself. The blindness of your hurt from before would make them think otherwise.

But this is the truth. BJ said this and it resonated with me, because i ran out of patience. I couldn’t tolerate any more bullshit anymore.

So tolerating them isn’t really something that proves to you that you should stick to them. Despite all the shitty things they’ve done to me, I still sank my nails into them. And that is my biggest regret; sinking my nails in when i was so done, when they were so awful to me.

I sticked around still and I regret it because they didn’t deserve it. They didn’t deserve anything good i’ve done for them. And yet, I’m waiting for karma to hit, for having abused my kindness when they knew they were being a shit.

That’s what they are. Shit. That’s all they had been all along. Because they think of themselves as shit, because they hate themselves. Because they can’t sit still with themself for a moment in the presence of no one.

Then they just go around, being shitty to other people and still wonder, « why is everyone running away from me ? why do i push away the people i love ? »

I’ve woken up after a very vivid dream and asked myself, why am I still seeing the same thing over and over again ? It feels like yesterday was a year ago, when I was all fine by myself.

I’ve woken up, shaken from what i’ve seen, dream after dream with nothing in between, traumatizing, haunting. It wants to hunt me.

Yesterday was a year ago, I don’t know where I’m at, but definitely some place better than before. I keep reassuring myself, you’ve done the right thing. By my laws, I’ve never doubted what I needed. And my decisions, and only mine brought me the peace within me today.

Only for it to shatter after one dream.

I spiral, i ask myself what to do, when there’s nothing to do but sit with the feeling and accept it. To be nostalgic is to accept the death of previous life. To yearn is to keep doors open.

Mine aren’t here. There’s no house anymore, no more doors, just the solid ground as I lay on it and realize, I’ve done the right thing. I would’ve been someone else, somewhere else’s if not my diligence and my pride, my scratched heart, the footprints of your steps from before. You used to enter the house warm, now it burned down.

Now you’re in the cold, and there’s no one else to blame but yourself. Your own decisions brought us here, to this unwanted dream as it runs behind me for me being its prey.

It’s too cold for you and i’m not here anymore. I’m fading away slowly and you’re a ghost that kept harrassing me, only for you yo disappear and vanish as I shut the door closed. Locks and all. Dreams and all outside.

I know it’s chemical, but it’s too strong to handle, too slippery to hold and too fast to catch. It goes beyond my mind and abilities. But it’ll stop.

The dreams stop at some point, and you realize, it’s not so bad. It wasn’t forever.

Only chemical. And i beat it.