C O N T R O L

When I was made of skin and bones and literally teetering on the verge of death people didn’t say shit about me ordering and eating two Big Macs just to purge them. No one gave me any looks when I was sitting there, in a crowded public place, with two fatty meals in front of me while I devoured them both.

People didn’t say anything when I ordered a drink made from skim milk when I was at Starbucks. Strangers asked me where my clothes were from and congratulated me on a good deal when I said they were from thrift stores. I got jobs easily and my bosses loved me. Strangers smiled at me on the bus and in passing. Customers bought more from me when I worked in retail. Men fell in love with me so often that I fielded three marriage proposals.

I had been overweight for most of my life, and was obese for a few years after a significant trauma, and I had an eating disorder the entire time. I was a binge eater and bulimic. And it wasn’t until it turned into anorexia and I lost 120 pounds in seven months that people were kind to me and took my eating disorder seriously. That people took my FEELINGS seriously. That people took my work experience and opinions seriously.

I’ve been the stranger that people think is pretty and I’ve been the stranger that people stare at with disgust. And even though I didn’t want to be looked at for much different reasons I still understand the impact of those gazes.

REBLOG TO LOSE 2KG WHEN YOU WAKE UP TOMORROW 🍃