on the fringes

Binondo, Manila

Mayo Uno

Talang maningning

Lakbay ko ay gabayan --

1. 

Christmas Day three years ago was the day I ceased praying.

2. 

Circumstances temporarily afforded us a beatific view from the top, like angels, but hanging in mid-air for so long was tiresome, and eventually, we had to come back down to the ground.

We had to stop pretending we had wings.

3.

It wasn't Immaculate Conception that had you and mama fussing over their newborn child -- the savior -- and had prompted the twenty-year marriage. Growing up, I realized it wasn't love, either.

4.

That Christmas, I had to believe in something other than eternal love, miracles, forgiveness, salvation. I had to anchor my faith on something other than that clump of stars that formed rosary beads in the sky (that I wished upon as a child), other than "A family that prays together, stays together".

5.

That Christmas, I mouthed my last prayer:

Father, forgive us our sins.

Father forgive yourself, for you did not know what you were doing.

Father, please be home.

In everything, Father, your will be done.

6. 

Christmastime years ago was when, after we prayed for a safe drive home, you smashed the car onto the pavement and the five of us nearly plummeted down a ravine.

It wasn't so much a quick swerve that triggered the crash as it was a slow cruise along a curved path. We knew where we were going but we ignored the warning sign saying the road was accident-prone.

I knew then that not every sign of the cross will guarantee security. Not every prayer will be answered.

7. 

daydream delusion

limousine eyelash

oh baby with your pretty face

drop a tear in my wine glass

look at those big eyes on your face

see what you mean to me

sweet cakes and milk shakes 

I'm a delusion angel

I'm a fantasy parade

I want you to know what I think

don't want you to guess anymore

you have no idea where I came from

we have no idea where we're going

lodged in life like two branches in a river

caught in a current

flowing downstream

I'll carry you     you carry me

That's how it could be 

don't you know me

don't you know me by now...

all that there is for now are

only in my head, like

carefully remembered dance steps

of an unfamiliar song.

in time, these movements

will be executed, 

despite the lack of

finesse or precision.

i've developed two left feet

from years of zero practice,

but nobody ever said

an awkward dance

First sunrise of the first day of the new year

The trouble with the first sunrise of the first day of another year is that it makes you conscious of all you've been and all you'll become -- how new year's resolutions have been and will eventually still be mid-year's disappointments, how you will be a disappointment (to yourself, mostly). 

The thing with this sunrise is how it's able to summon all your fears in one giant heap, like when you dive deep into the blue without an oxygen tank on. Not graduating on time. An absent father during the holidays. Failed relationships. Failing relationships. Never being able to fall in love again, or at least not for a very long time. Not being able to keep your promises. Endless contradictions and inconsistencies. It forces your thoughts to laboriously swim back and forth '14 and '15, assessing mistakes, anticipating future problems, flailing from overthinking, fearing drowning. 

But in the middle of all that struggle, it's a good thing to remember to just float, your head above water, allowing the the moment to sink in without you yourself sinking. 

You'll be all right. The world will be all right. Struggle is necessary, and you love sunrises and you love the ocean, as you love looking at the stars alone or with someone you love having conversations with, and whom you love, all night long or all nights forthcoming, your fingers interlocked.  

The problem with the first sunrise of the first day of the new year is that the feelings it imparts to you only come once a year.

People are as fleeting as the fog that blankets the night.

This is the part where we walk home alone.

BEST. Babalik ako, lovely people <3 

Our trip to Dodiongan Falls, Iligan City! 

July 28, 2014