Ash

These past few weeks, since week 1 of CGEP, i have been so carried away of all the topics about psychology, science, social construction, race and religion. I was at my most fragile state that even my faith was compromised. The ideology that my books, professors and classmates are telling me is so far from my faith, my belief — my born again life. I was near that line between their reality and mine. I was near crossing it. I was peeking and almost in. I was almost letting go — telling Him ‘I’m so sick of it. I can’t breath. Their reality has more air.’ I always knew that He is forever faithful but I was almost ready to forget. My service to Him became so dull and boring. My songs became meaningless and insincere. I uttered words that contradict what I felt. Perhaps, I became vainglory. So human. I loved it when I sang smoothly and hated it when I tripped. Even though, I know that a man-pleaser is not what He wants. However, I know I was longing for Him, I know that my soul still cries out for His presence but still I just can’t pray. It became hard for me to pray. After realizing everything, I was so ashamed to even talk to Him. I felt so undeserving to face the King of kings. I forgot the fact that Jesus already took our shame and sins before we even come to Him. I forgot how he accepted Joshua again after a failure and even fought with him in his battles. I forgot how He gave peace to Daniel when he was in the lion’s den. I forgot how He called David and Moses for a mission. I forgot how many times He forgave His people and poured out favors.

I forgot that You are Emmanuel, that You’ll walk with me wherever I go. I forgot to remember how many times You pulled me back to You when I was holding You loosely. I forgot what I said that I will be still. I forgot that You are faithful. I failed to remember all of Your promises. Now, You, again, caught me off guard. You have Your hand holding me tightly, with all Your might, though I am weak. You’ll never let go.

Your amazing grace is calling me again. He is whispering, “come back home”.

I am longing for a refuge and Your love found me again. Your presence is now my shelter.

I was lost and You, once again, left the 99 and brought me back to what I call “home” where everlasting peace resides.

Now, I’ll respond in honor of Your calling, Jesus.