Spilled Ink

As I’m sitting here, all by myself in my room behind closed doors, I started thinking about how alone I actually am. You know, I have a family and they all love me and I love them, but there are things I can’t talk about with them cause they would never understand me. I have friends, a lot of them, but they don’t value me like I value them, they don’t appreciate me like I do them, they don’t see things like I do. They are my friends and we can talk about things but oh God I don’t know how to explain. I have friends, but I only got myself. I think I always will feel alone no matter how much people there are around me. At the end of the day, the only person who listens to me is myself. Sadly, I only got myself.

”You want to know the worst part? I knew it. He told me he wouldn’t hurt me. He told me he was different. But he wasn’t and I knew it. And whose fault is this? Yours? Mine? Is it your fault that you broke my heart even though you knew it was broken before? Or is it it maybe my fault? That I let all this shit happen to me all over again. One second I blame myself for letting you in, for trusting you, for doing this once again, and one second I blame you for telling me all those sweet things just to make me believe you, treating me good just to make me feel like shit a moment later. Whose fucking fault is it? I knew better and I don’t deserve this. But I don’t know shit anymore”

” sometimes love isn’t enough. And it’s just simple as that. Love isn’t enough ”

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some people will never appreciate you the way you want them to and they will never see how much you’re worth. No matter how much you want them to, no matter how much you wish they did, no matter how much you do for them and how much you want them to love you, how much you want them to be good to you.. They just won’t. You can try everything but you can’t force someone to be the right person.

” I think some people really enjoy the winter. I don’t mean because of the holidays. But they are just as cold as the weather, just as empty as the streets at the evenings and the dark skies are reminding them of their dark hearts. Maybe, this time of the year is reminding them that they’re never alone. If they don’t feel like there is someone who feels just like them, they can always relate to the Earth. And as we all know, it will get lighter and warmer soon. ”

How to heal

” he ruined me. He ruined my trust. He ruined eveything I believed in, my dreams, my wants, things that made me happy. He ruined my confidence. Everything I was insecure about and hated about myself, he made me hate it even more. He ruined this whole town for me because everytime I left my house I saw him everywhere, because there isn’t a place where we haven’t been togheter. He ruined my body because I still feel his touch and damn he didn’t even deserve to touch me, not even once. He fucking ruined everything about me but I have build myself up again and I’m stronger than ever before. I am worth everything and I won’t ever let a man ruin my life”

I always make excuses for people who don’t deserve them. I let myself down to make them feel better about themselves. I forgive, I say that it’s all good even though it isn’t. Even though it isn’t acceptable and shouldn’t be easily forgiven. Even though I get really hurt by it, I still don’t want people to feel bad even though they may deserve it. My phone may tremble in my hand and my heart will be screaming, telling me to write how I truly feel and just for once to do something for myself, but I won’t. I just wish I would forgive myself for things as easily as I forgive others. I just wish I forgave myself as easy as I forgive you.

” I just wish for someone to understand me. To understand that sometimes I can get very sad and I will not be that nice to others when I feel like my world is falling apart, and I just wish someone could understand and swallow their pride just to make me feel better and not get upset if I say something wrong. I’m so sorry and I dont ever mean it. I just get a little sad sometimes and I just want someone who’ll understand that”

” I know how it feels to be heartbroken. I know that all you want to do is to text him and tell him that you’re okay with him being this way, even if you’re actually not. I know that you just want to forgive him for everything and tell him to come over, just to spend some more time with him. You know deep down that this isn’t love. That he doesn’t love you the way that you want to be loved. You’re too obsessed with him to see your own value and to see that it’s not supposed to be this way, not at all. You shouldn’t be the one apologizing if you deep down know that you did nothing wrong and he just put the blame on you to feel better about himself, like he always does. I know that you want to text him. And all your friends is calling you stupid and they are getting mad because you still want to be with him, even though he did all that and hurt you bad. And you feel alone, you feel so alone and it makes you want to scream, and you are screaming, your heart is screaming. Scream, just don’t text him. I know that it is so fucking hard to act cold and to hold back. But that’s what is best for you. If he texts you, I’m begging you to try and not answer. Or at least be cold. He doesn’t deserve you darling, and I just wish for you to realize it soon. I’m good now and so will you be.”

” I hate when people say that if you’re the one who breaks up, you didn’t fight enough or you didn’t love them enough. I broke up, but I fought for him each and every day the last 6 months of our relationship. I went through hell for him because I loved him. It felt like someone stabbed me in my cheast 15 times a day cause he didn’t appreciate my love. So don’t you ever fucking put dirt on someone who broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend if they had their reasons. Don’t you fucking dare”

” am I the only one who feels that I’m too nice to people? I forgive them so easily just to make them feel better about themselves while I’m here taking all of the pain. I just wish good for people and I don’t want anyone to feel the things that I do ”

”But when do you know if you should leave? Is it at your second fight? Is it when he ignores to apologize because he didn’t understand he hurt you and you’re convincing yourself that it’s the last time he’ll do this? Is it when you feel that pain in your bones, that pain in your chest, that damn pain all over your body after a fight? Is it when you feel that it’s a good day just because you guys didn’t argue? Do you leave when you start getting scared of saying things cause you mind up getting in a fight? Or do you always stay?”